The one I love Is...
by Rakna
Summary: A story about how the love of two special girls can change one Ikari Shinji. (Note: Translations and side-stories by other authors are available on my webpage)
1. Prologue - Even dolls have feelings

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Prologue - Even dolls have feelings   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Finished on February, 14th 1999   
Revised on April, 19th 1999   
Additional corrections on May 29th 1999   
Final revisions on March 2nd 2000   
  


* * *

  
Ayanami Rei.   
The assigned pilot of Unit-00.   
Most people who knew her would agree that the First Children possessed little emotion. Actually, most people, with the exception of the Commander and Pilot Ikari, thought she had NO emotion whatsoever.   
A few times, Ayanami had shown those two genuine emotion.   
One of the Ikaris often wondered if Ayanami had known happiness, while the other did not seem to care.   
But overall, Ayanami was a total mystery.   
For much of her life, Ayanami behaved as though she felt no emotion. However, two events changed that: the failed activation test of Unit-00, and the arrival of the Third Children, Ikari Shinji. While the first event apparently had little impact on the life of Ayanami, the second greatly perturbed her very simple life.   
For reasons she could not comprehend, the young Ikari didn't seem to be scared of her as the rest of her class were. He had shown interest in her. He seemed to care about her even more than Commander Ikari. This possibility disturbed her regular thoughts. And over time she found her mind more and more preoccupied with thoughts of the Third Children.   
That made her... uneasy.   
She couldn't understand him.   
He had cried for her.   
He had made her smile.   
And she had enjoyed the feeling.   
And now...   
Ever since the fight with the Seventh Angel...   
His attention seemed to have shifted to the Second Children.   
This idea... disturbed her.   
She had, actually, grown to enjoy the Third Children's attention.   
She didn't want to lose it.   
Out of one of her school uniform pockets, Ayanami withdrew a small pocket calendar card she had found on the street one day.   
She stared at it a moment.   
One day was marked in red.   
February 14th.   
Contrary to what people might think, Ayanami Rei was aware of what was going on around her. She had a lot of time to observe the w orld and the people who lived in it. She often had trouble comprehending them. But she could easily pick up every bit of relevant factual information she came across. So, she knew the meaning of that date. She also studied the rituals men and women seemed to perform on that date. A few months earlier, she would have considered it a waste of time. But now... it was a tool she could use.   
Slowly, the teenage girl got up and picked up a small package from a desk. A small box of chocolates. She had skipped a meal to buy it.   
"Ikari-kun..."   
Filled with an almost alien resolution, Ayanami decided that she wouldn't lose Ikari Shinji to the fiery Second Children.   
Quickly, she left her empty apartment.   
That morning, NERV Headquarters received many emergency calls from a number of the operatives assigned to watch over the three Evangelion pilots.   
Something was definitely wrong.   
That morning, Pilot Ayanami Rei ran to school.   
With a broad smile highlighting her face.   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][3]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#prologue



	2. Chapter 1 - Valentine's Day

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 1 - Valentine's Day   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on February 16th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on February 21st 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on March 2nd 1999   
Final draft finished on March 7th 1999, revised on April 20th 1999   
Additional corrections on May 30th 1999   
Final revisions on March 6th 2000 

Disclaimer: 

This story begins after the 14th episode and goes on until the end. So if you haven't seen the entire series and the End of Evangelion movie, expect spoilers. I won't warn you anymore. 

(*) Click to reach translations notes   
  


* * *

  
I was surprised to find my two roommates already far ahead of me for breakfast. That was odd. It was my turn to cook. But it appeared that Asuka had opted for raspberry jam on toast. As for Misato... as long as there was beer in the fridge, she was fine. And the fridge was rarely short of beer. I guess she drank so much of that stuff, she could now survive solely on it.   
"It's not fair!"   
Trouble. Asuka was already in a bad mood. That wasn't totally unexpected. I had already witnessed a similar scene two weeks before. And I knew that I would see the same scene in two weeks.   
So, Asuka was in a bad mood, which meant that she would eventually pick on me to vent her frustrations. Still, I was lucky; things could have been a lot worse. At least it wasn't _that_ time of the month! Well, that was what I thought. Couldn't be really sure...   
Silently, I decided to accept my fate while preparing my own breakfast. Simple eggs and toast. I wasn't sure I had the energy for something more complicated. For a moment, I considered saying "Hi!" to my two companions, but from the look on Asuka's face, I decided to keep quiet. Better to stay unnoticed for as long as I could.   
"Life is rarely fair, Asuka."   
Well, what a surprise. Misato seemed to be in her serious mode. Not typical. She would probably soon revert to the irresponsible-happy-teasing mode soon. Her aim was probably to throw Asuka off-guard.   
"But it's Sunday! Not only Sunday, but Valentine's Day, too!"   
Asuka was definitely unhappy. I couldn't help but shudder at the thought. While I personally didn't care about a stupid holiday, Asuka was bound to make a big deal of it.   
"I just know I'll go through hell today." I silently thought. "Maybe an Angel attack will save me..."   
But then again, the Angels were responsible for this mess.   
"Asuka, you know perfectly the position of the Tokyo-3 School Board. Due to Angel attacks, many days of school have been lost. Therefore, one Sunday every two weeks is now a school day."   
I could feel that Misato was loosing her patience. Asuka had already lost the argument. She just didn't know it yet.   
"This sucks!"   
"Maybe. But you'll go anyway, even if I have to make it an order."   
"But it's not fair! Baka [(*)][3] Shinji, say something!"   
Well, so much for staying unnoticed.   
"Don't we have synch tests, today, Misato-san?"   
The classic Ikari Shinji evasion tactic. If you try very hard to ignore reality, it may go away. However, I knew it likely wasn't going to work. Already, Asuka was fuming and mumbling a few German insults, if I guessed right. A full-scale explosion was imminent. But luck, under the name of Katsuragi Misato, was on my side.   
"No, Shinji-kun". I could see a really big smile on the Major's face. For a second I wondered if it was a good, or a bad sign. "Tonight, we'll have a PARTY!!!"   
That caught Asuka's attention. A party... While I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of yet ANOTHER party, at least it had calmed Asuka down considerably.   
"A party?"   
Asuka was suddenly quite enthusiastic. That only made Misato more cheerful.   
"Yes! We'll have Ritsuko, Maya, Shigeru, Makoto... You can also ask your friends at school, if they want to come. Don't forget to ask Rei too..."   
"Who cares about Rei! What about Kaji? Will he come?"   
All the blood seemed to suddenly drain from the Major's face. I almost couldn't help bursting out laughing.   
"Well, I don't know if..."   
"Yay! I'll call him right away!" said Asuka, ignoring totally the Major's reply.   
"... he should come. Damn! She didn't listen to a word I said..."   
Silently, I finished my meal. Seeing that Misato was obviously not in a mood to eat anymore, and that Asuka had forgotten about her own meal, I cleaning up the table. Otherwise, the dishes would just remain there.   
A party. While it was always nice to see those people I thought of as my friends, I wasn't too thrilled about it. Parties were too noisy and crowded for my taste.   
Oh, well, that was better than having an angry Asuka on my back.   
  


- - -

School. Another boring school day.   
Or at least that's what I expected.   
The class was actually quite alive this morning. The girls all appeared to be making quite a fuss about this Valentine thing. I was really surprised to see Hikari give chocolates to Touji. I had guessed she had feelings for him, but never would have imagined that she would tell him, much less make such a public display. Touji was sooooo embarrassed that his face reminded me of a tomato. Kensuke's comments didn't help the poor "couple". I just hoped Touji wouldn't say something stupid. Hikari was a nice girl. It would be a shame if Touji hurt her feelings.   
For some reason, Asuka appeared to be fuming. She kept throwing me dark glances. Not knowing what was the matter with her, I decided it would be best to just ignore her for a while, at least until she cooled down. So, I put my head down on my desk and waited for the boring lecture on the Second Impact to begin. With any luck, I'd fall asleep.   
Suddenly, everyone fell silent. Curiosity got the better of me. I raised my head, and was shocked by what I saw.   
Ayanami Rei, holding what was obviously a Valentine's Day chocolate box and slowly walking right toward me.   
No! She wouldn't... She couldn't...   
I literally froze.   
Her usual neutral expression was gone. Her hands and lips were shaking. I could see in her red eyes... fear. Yet there was something else. I wasn't entirely sure: a spark of vitality, which I had never seen in her.   
I was mesmerized.   
She handed me the box. I was surprised to see my own hands shaking. For a brief moment, our fingers touched. It was one of the greatest sensations I had ever felt.   
"This is for you, Ikari-kun."   
I'm not sure, but I think I managed to say thanks.   
She smiled. That rare, so very precious, and beautiful smile.   
All around us, some students fell off their chairs. Others literally fainted. I didn't notice. I was in heaven.   
When I came back to my senses, Rei was walking toward her desk. The neutral, emotionless mask was back on her face. Only the box of chocolates in my hands convinced me that this wasn't a dream.   
"Way to go Shinji! You lucky dog!"   
Happy to have the pressure off his back, Touji was now teasing me about what had just happened. Already, the mighty Student Gossip Machine was hard at work, trying to figure out the 'what', 'why', 'when' and 'how' of my 'relationship' with Ayanami. Rei now back to her normal emotionless self, I was almost torn apart for answers by the others girls in class. This was far worse than the attention I had received a few months earlier, when everyone found out I was the Pilot of Unit-01. I knew by the way my cheeks burned that I was blushing terribly. Quite frankly, I would have liked to crawl under my desk and hide.   
Surprisingly enough, in the background, I heard some girls saying how they envied Rei. That was a surprise! Much more of a surprise than the deadly looks I was getting from some of the guys in class. While I knew Rei's personality, or actually lack of, scared people, I also knew some guys did literally drool over her. She was, after all, quite attractive, in a mysterious way. And now, I was suddenly those guys number one rival. How great...   
For a second time before class even started, the classroom became dead silent. I could feel that something was VERY wrong.   
"IKARI SHINJI!"   
Oh, God! Asuka!   
She didn't look mad. No. She looked beyond mad. She was scary. More than those goddamn Angels.   
I froze. Again.   
Fear is quite an interesting thing. I can avoid the tentacle of a giant building tall monster while piloting an equally tall mecha and still manage to get slapped by a girl. Damn did that hurt! I was really glad I hadn't been hit by a fist. I swear, that girl could give Touji a run for his money.   
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rei had stood up. Her face showed an anger likely equal to the one I could see on Asuka's face.   
"Ayanami!"   
I was surprised by my own voice. No hesitation. No sign of my usual shyness. It was more of a... commanding tone. A lot like my father. That thought was... disturbing.   
Rei didn't move. Acknowledging my unspoken command, she nodded, smiled to me, then shot an angry glare toward Asuka.   
The matter with Rei solved, I turned my attention to the redhead. She still looked angry, but... She had tears in her eyes. I found myself unable to be angry at her.   
Asuka always had extreme reactions. It wasn't unusual. Actually, it was part of her charms. But tears. I had only seen her cry once. On the night before the Seventh Angel battle. And it had been only a single tear in her sleep. To see her like this... Almost fragile. Without her usual arrogance. I couldn't quite believe it.   
"Why?" I softly asked her.   
Again, she gave me a look full of hate. I prepared myself to be hit once more.   
"Baka Shinji!!!"   
Then... She ran out of the class, almost hitting the old sensei on her way out.   
"What's the deal with that girl?" asked Touji.   
He was silenced by an angry Hikari.   
"Suzuhara!"   
Touji suddenly became quite calm. Very, very calm. But he had asked a very interesting question. What was her problem?   
Could she possibly be...   
No...   
She wouldn't be jealous. Would she?   
No. Way.   
Then... Why the tears.   
Maybe it had been something in her eyes. Yes, that was it. It was something, perhaps just a speck of dust.   
Surely I wasn't stupid enough to believe that...   
Soon, everything seem to go back to normal. Hikari did the "Rise", "Bow", "Sit" routine. Another school day _finally_ started.   
Once the sensei had begun his lecture on the Second Impact, I collapsed on my desk. I felt completely drained. Dealing with Asuka's usual mood swings was bad already. Today, she was worse than ever. Those tears... And on top of that, I had to deal with a overemotional Rei. This was simply too much. My thoughts were a mess. I got tired of trying not to run away from reality and drifted to sleep.   
Nobody would notice, and even if they did, I didn't care.   
  


- - -

"IKARI-KUN! How could you do this to Asuka?!"   
I woke up, my body shaken by an angry Class Rep. I opened my eyes, completely disoriented, my senses a mess. I was promptly saved by Touji.   
"Don't shake him like that! That kid still has to save the world, y'a know."   
Yeah... That was better. Now that my head wasn't moving back and forth, it was easier to try to understand what was going on. Apparently, I was in school. Which was normal since it was the place where I had first fallen asleep. And since the only students remaining in class were Hikari and Touji, most likely to save me from Hikari, I guessed it was time to eat. I did feel hungry. A glance at the classroom clock confirmed it. It was a little over noon.   
"How could you do that?!"   
"Do what?"   
"You ignored her! And you made her cry..."   
What did she mean? I hardly ignored Asuka. It was kinda hard ignoring a girl when she was trying to beat you up. And I certainly didn't do anything to make her cry. She didn't cry. No. Those were tears. But she wasn't crying.   
What then?   
"I didn't do anything!"   
"Exactly! You didn't do anything! You just stood there and accepted Ayanami's chocolates!"   
"And?"   
"Don't you care at all about Asuka's feelings?"   
"What do you mean by 'Asuka's feelings'?"   
Hikari was obviously surprised. She seemed about to say something, but decided against it.   
"Suzuhara-kun, could you please wait for me outside..."   
I really didn't like the sound of that.   
Touji hesitated a while. But in the end, he chose Hikari's warm smile instead of my pleading look. No surprise really. The Class representative waited for the tall boy to leave the room before finally saying what was on her mind.   
"You don't know Ikari-kun? Asuka loves you! Aren't you two a couple?"   
What was that? Did Hikari actually say what I thought she said? And did she actually believe that?   
"What?! We're not a couple!"   
Where did she get this idea? Asuka. My girlfriend? Must be the worst joke I ever heard.   
"She's always teasing me! She's always trying to put me down! I'm probably what she considers her biggest rival. We hardly manage to live together. I wouldn't be surprised if she actually hated me. And you're saying that she's in love with me?"   
"Yes!"   
"Didn't you listen...?"   
"You boys can be so blind! She wouldn't even bother teasing you if she hated you! You're probably the only person she truly respects! Yes, you are likely her biggest threat. But you're also the only one she can identify herself with. When you aren't such an idiot or a wimp..."   
I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. She couldn't be serious, could she?   
No. It wasn't true. Yet, if I thought about what happened this morning...   
No, no, no...   
"Can't be..."   
It was just too much. Too much. I tried, as hard as I could, to tune out everything around me and all those thoughts in my head.   
Nothingness. I only wanted nothingness.   
I didn't want to think about Rei. Her smile.   
I didn't want to think about Asuka. Her angry expression. Her tears.   
I didn't want to think about friendship.   
I didn't want to think about love.   
I didn't want to think.   
But I couldn't. There was... no place to run to.   
When I snapped back to reality, only Touji and Hikari were staring at me, a worried expression on their faces. Hikari had probably called Touji back.   
"You... you okay, Shinji?" asked Touji.   
I found myself unable to answer. I nodded.   
"I'm so sorry Shinji! I didn't think... I didn't think about your feelings..."   
Hikari was almost on the verge of crying. Girls. So sensitive...   
"It's ok."   
An expression of relief washed over their faces.   
"Man, you freaked me out!"   
I turned my attention to Hikari.   
"What do you want me to do?"   
She gave me that "What do you mean?" look.   
"I don't know what to do. Me. Rei. Asuka. So complicated. I don't know what to think. Just tell me what to do."   
"Well, you could at least start by apologizing to Asuka... maybe also give her a gift!"   
"A gift..."   
For a while, I looked at the chocolate box Rei had given me. A gift. A sign. What kind? Of friendship? Of love?   
I thought about giving this box to Asuka. But I realized how unfair it would be to both of them. Rei and Asuka.   
"Yes."   
I got up, picked up the box, and walked toward the door. Only when I was about to leave did I look at my friends again.   
"Thanks."   
Then, I remembered something.   
"Misato is throwing a party tonight. Please come. Asuka may need you Hikari and I don't think I could handle it alone either. Tell Kensuke. And... tell Rei."   
Touji nodded.   
"Count on me."   
I would. God knew I would.   
I then set out to achieve the task given to me. I had something to do. I could focus on that task and forget about everything for a while.   
There was always time to worry later.   
  


- - -

After a few minutes, I started to wonder why I had panicked earlier. I had to be honest. At a time, I had been very interested in Rei. Now, I was quite interested in Asuka. Both of them were very attractive. Why shouldn't I be happy with the idea that the two most attractive females of my class _may_ have an interest in me.   
Wasn't it what I ever wanted? Somebody who would care for me.   
Yet, I couldn't manage to be happy about the idea. I guess I didn't want to believe it. If I did and was wrong... And even if it was true. How long would it take for them to just leave me behind, alone, like Father did? Wasn't it just better to simply avoid the trouble and ultimately the pain?   
Why did I let them be my friends in the first place?   
But were they my friends? Asuka just kept teasing and annoying me. Rei... was Rei.   
I didn't really know either of them.   
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I was starting to have quite an headache.   
I finally arrived at a small general store. I knew the place quite well. After the arrival of Misato in our apartment nearby, the owner had tripled his alcohol sales. At least that's what he told me.   
I looked at what was left of the Valentine gifts display. Not much really. But I wasn't planning on anything fancy anyway. I really just wanted to get rid of this as soon as I could, then forget the whole thing. Besides, I didn't have much money. Only a few yens left from the last time I had gone on an errand for Misato. I had forgotten to give the money back and she had been too drunk when I came back to ask for it.   
I don't know why, but this triggered a thought in my head.   
We weren't paid.   
We were piloting EVA, saving the world from angels and worked for free. Well, survival of the human race was a nice reward, but what about us, really?   
I made a mental note not to forget that thought.   
I didn't have much use for money. NERV paid for the food, apartment and school uniforms. Still who knows, I could find a use for it.   
I would need to talk to Misato.   
But now was the time to get back at the real problem, which was buying one of those boxes.   
I finally opted for a red heart shaped box with a single blue ribbon. It wasn't exceptionally cute, but that would have to do. I didn't even bother to look what kind of chocolate was inside. I just paid for it and added an order for beer to be delivered at the apartment tonight, along with a few snacks to eat. I knew Misato would probably forget about it. Or did she expect me to think about such matters?   
I exited the store and made my way toward the apartment. The hardest task yet remained to be done.   
Talking to Asuka.   
  


- - -

The apartment looked empty. But I knew better. Like myself, Asuka tended to take refuge in her room when she had a problem. She had only lived in Tokyo-3 for a short time. Since Hikari was still in school, she couldn't be at her home. And she couldn't go to NERV Headquarters without Misato noticing. So she had to be in her room.   
Besides, a pair of shoes lying on the floor attested she was here.   
I went to my own room. I didn't stay long. Just long enough to put Rei's gift in a drawer. I had been carrying it with me for too long already.   
Then I proceeded to the kitchen. I took a look at the kitchen clock. 13:13. It was well past lunch time and I was definitely hungry. And eating would buy me some time. With any luck, Asuka would make the first steps and come to talk to me herself. She had to be aware of my presence. If she came... It would make it much easier.   
Taking a few ingredients out of the fridge, I gave myself the task to make two quick sandwiches. One of them for Asuka. I doubted she had eaten anything since breakfast. I could tell, cooking and housecleaning was, after all, mostly my responsibility.   
I tried to take my time to eat, but I was torn between getting over the imminent discussion as soon as I could and avoiding it altogether.   
Needless to say I didn't enjoy my meal one bit.   
Much sooner than I would have liked, I found myself standing before her door. I knocked.   
"Go away Shinji."   
There was annoyance in her voice, but also something else. Possibly sadness.   
Scenes from the morning replayed in my mind. Asuka running away. Tears in her eyes.   
"I'm sorry Asuka."   
I didn't know what came over me. But I suddenly felt the need to open up to her, to actually say what was on my mind.   
"I never know what to do. Or what to say. I can't figure out what you're thinking. You're always teasing me, harassing me. What am I to you? A nuisance? A threat? A friend? Do you actually hate me? Or do you actually not care? I can't tell. And you won't tell me, will you? You'll just call me an idiot."   
I couldn't believe I was saying all this.   
"But I care about you. I like you Asuka. You're one of my only friends. Even if you're a pest most of the time. I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings. I'm even more sorry if I'm too much of an idiot to figure out what exactly your feelings are..."   
We both remained silent for a while. This was going nowhere, so I decided to simply leave her alone. So what if she didn't even care about me enough to say anything? I should be used to it. It's not like I could win a popularity contest.   
I've put the heart shaped box in front of her door, along with the sandwich. Might as well get this over with and get back to school. I was beyond late, but it's not like anybody would care anyway.   
"I'm leaving some lunch outside your door. I know you haven't eaten anything yet."   
Without another word, I left the apartment.   
Time to catch what was left of the afternoon classes.   
I spent the rest of the day trying to listen to the sensei's lecture, trying to avoid thinking.   
When I came back home to clean up for the party and prepare dinner, I noticed that both the sandwich and the chocolate box had disappeared from where I had left them.   
I entered my room to drop my school bag and noticed something on my bed. A box of chocolates like the one I had given Asuka, but a bit smaller. And to it, a small card was attached, with three words badly scribbled on it:   
  


"Baka. Thank you"

  


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 2 - Shinji belongs to me!   
  
  


- - -

Omake (extra) 

Without another word, I left the apartment.   
I spent the rest of the day trying to listen to the sensei's lecture, trying to avoid thinking.   
When I came home to clean up for the party, and prepare dinner, I noticed Asuka lying on the floor, her neck bent at an odd angle and her eyes vacant. From the info we received after the autopsy report, it seemed she had slipped on the sandwich which resulted in a really nasty fall.   
Well... I guess it was one way to solve my problems...   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][4]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#baka
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap1



	3. Chapter 2 - Shinji belongs to me!

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 2 - Shinji belongs to me!   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on February 19th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on February 24th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on March 8th 1999   
Final draft finished on March 22nd 1999, revised on April 25th 1999   
Final revisions on March 6th 2000 

(*) Click to reach the translations notes   
(number) Click to reach the author's notes on a specific subject   
  


* * *

  
It was past 18:00 when Misato got back from NERV Headquarters. When she entered the apartment, I had her meal ready and finished all necessary preparations for her improvised party. While Misato would have called it a feat, I didn't deserve that much credit. Her parties were quite straightforward and easy to prepare. All that was needed was beer, sake, chips and other snacks, sodas for the younger participants like myself, and more beer. The hardest task was to clean up the apartment. Fortunately, I was on cleaning duty on Saturdays and Sundays so there wasn't much to do, unlike on Thursdays since Misato "cleaned" on Wednesdays. How that woman could be so messy was beyond me.   
Quite frankly, I was glad when Misato showed up. Asuka had decided to come out of hiding when she recognized the aroma of cooking and since then, we had shared an awkward silence. At times, she appeared as though she wanted to say something, but the words kept getting lost between her brain and mouth. I couldn't blame her, for I felt the same way.   
So we just started to eat in silence and tried not to stare at each other. Because if we did, we just ended up looking away, hoping the other didn't notice the blush on our cheeks.   
With Misato back, things returned to the way they used to be. We talked about nothing and everything. Asuka even managed some pretty convincing lie about how school had been so boring and how Misato had screwed up her day. I felt the unspoken target of those words, and they hurt. I think Asuka must have noticed it, because she gave me an apologetic look. I know Misato had been aware of the silent exchange between Asuka and me, but she chose not to mention it. I was really thankful for that. The three of us having suddenly nothing else to say, we just kept silent. Asuka finally decided to leave and keep Pen-Pen company in front of the TV.   
"Anything you want to tell me, Shinji-kun?"   
Sometimes, I would surprise myself in thinking that Misato was probably the closest person I had to a mother. This was one of those rare moments. She was giving me a genuine concerned, caring look. I almost told her what was on my mind. Almost.   
"Maybe later Misato-san".   
I stood up and joined Asuka. I didn't feel comfortable in her company, but at the moment, it was safer than having to confront Misato.   
  


- - -

Touji and Kensuke arrived early. Probably to have more time to drool over Misato, although Touji was more serious than usual. I guess he was a bit worried about me. I considered myself lucky. Touji was a nice guy and a greater friend. Probably the first true friend I ever had, along with Kensuke. I owed them a lot, so I tried extra hard to look cheerful. They didn't have to worry about my problems.   
Hikari followed shortly after. She said "Hi" to everyone, then literally dragged Asuka into her room. From what I could guess, Hikari seemed intent on having a discussion with Asuka similar as the one she had at school with me. While I appreciated Hikari's intentions, I felt sorry for Asuka; Hikari could be so bossy at times.   
"Don't worry Touji, one day you'll be the one she'll drag into a bedroom." teased Kensuke.   
Touji blushed and tried to convince us he didn't care whether or not he'd share time alone with the Class Rep. Misato and Kensuke cracked up in laughter, followed by me. Needless to say we didn't believe him one bit.   
Since the adults had yet to show up and Hikari was out of sight, Misato decided to keep teasing Touji, harassing him with embarrassing questions about him and his "girlfriend" while offering him a good look at her ample and lightly covered bosom. Kensuke and I just kept laughing at poor Touji, until Misato decided we should be her next target. But the sudden arrival of Maya and Ritsuko saved us, while exposing Misato in a compromising position that would have aroused most men.   
"Now hitting on kids. How shameless of you..."   
It was Misato's turn now to be teased by the good Dr. Akagi. But one thing I have to hand to Misato is her ability to turn any disadvantage into an advantage.   
"A girl can't pass all her nights alone. And you shouldn't underestimate these boys. They may look young, but they have anything a real man needs... and a woman."   
"Misato!"   
Ritsuko fumed, while Maya's face went red. The NERV computer operator seemed quite easily embarrassed.   
"But why use those poor kids to satisfy your urges when a man, like me, is available for the job".   
Misato went white. It seemed nobody had noticed Kaji at the doorstep.   
I don't know if the girls had been listening to our conversations, but Asuka chose that moment to burst out of her room and throw herself into Kaji's open arms, meant for Misato, of course.   
It wasn't the first time I had seen Asuka act like this. I knew of her infatuation with Kaji. But for the first time ever, I was overwhelmed by a very strong emotion I had never really felt before. Jealousy. I barely registered the fact that Misato had the same look that probably showed on my face. Hikari and Touji had probably noticed. I'm not sure, but I think they asked me if they could see Pen-Pen's fridge. I didn't pay attention. I guess that's what they said, because that was where they took me.   
Once I had calmed down and managed rational thoughts, I tried to think about what had just happened. I had felt jealous. And had not managed to actually hide that fact. Did that mean I really cared about Asuka? More then I cared about an ordinary friend?. What was Asuka to me?   
"You okay, Shinji?"   
"I'm not sure. I guess so. Thanks, Touji."   
"Any time, pal."   
Soon, Hyuga and Aoba arrived, so everyone gathered in the living room. Misato chose that time to ask for a beer. Since she obviously lacked any social skills, I asked everybody else if they wanted a drink. Everyone happily said "yes". I was about to get them the beverages when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it to reveal Rei. Right on time, 20:00. I wasn't surprised.   
"Hi Rei."   
"Hello... Ikari-kun."   
That was strange. She seemed uneasy. But then again, she had already behaved unusually today.   
"Come in!"   
For an instant, she seemed about to say something, but she simply nodded and stepped in. I took her to the living room where I asked her to sit next to Touji, whom I looked in the eyes. He nodded, understanding I wanted him to look after Rei, and see if he could manage to calm inevitable hostilities between her and Asuka. Hikari seemed to understand as well, for she doubled her effort to draw away Asuka's attention.   
I returned to my duties in the kitchen and quickly came back with four beers and two glasses of white wine requested by Maya and her Sempai. I looked at my friends. Good. No property damage yet.   
Back in the kitchen, I was suddenly faced with a dilemma. I had forgotten to ask Rei if she wanted anything, and I didn't really want to ask the question just under Asuka's nose. She could very well overreact. Again.   
Finally deciding to bring something for Rei, I then had to guess what she would like to drink. Somehow, I doubted she'd be interested in some soda. I didn't think she would be interested in some sugared drink. Water? Too simple. Coffee? No, definitively a bad idea. I didn't think she would like coffee; and I didn't need a caffeine boosted Rei, although I did wonder whether it could actually have any effect on her. Better not to know. I finally settled my choice on a simple cup of tea. It would take some time to prepare, which was fine by me. I could be away from the party a bit longer.   
When I finally came back, I was shocked by what I saw. Rei was actually discussing with Kensuke. More then that, she was talking and Kensuke, along with the others, was listening. I gave everyone their drinks and realized that Rei was relating our first mission together, the battle against the Fifth Angel. While Rei still had her subdued tone of voice, I could definitely pick up a faint trace of excitement.   
"How cool, Rei!" exclaimed Kensuke once Rei had finished her story.   
I wasn't surprised by Kensuke's comment. He'd just go wild with anything related to the EVAs and the battles against the Angels. After every fight, he would ask me questions and every time I would tell him I didn't want to talk about it. I hated fighting the Angels. The last thing I wanted was to be reminded of those fights. But I realized... I didn't mind hearing Rei recounting those stories.   
"Humf! I don't see how that was so cool? Shinji killed it, not her!"   
Why wasn't I surprised to hear those words from Asuka?   
"Not cool?! She was great! Using her own EVA to protect Shinji's at the risk of her life! Only heroes do that! If you ask me, it was way better then being used as overgrown fish bait!"   
I shook my head. That was a very stupid thing to say.   
"DIE!"   
Realizing his blunder, Kensuke ran, followed by an angry Asuka.   
I took that opportunity to offer Rei her cup of tea. She look surprised and blushed a bit, but accepted the tea. Then the chase between Asuka and Kensuke caught her attention.   
Since the apartment offered little place to run and even less to hide, Asuka soon caught him and tried to ram her fist through his skull. Kensuke would have probably lost consciousness without Kaji's intervention, which consisted of asking Asuka about the eighth Angel mission, her first, and only, solo success. Asuka quickly lost interest in Kensuke, jumping on a chance to try to impress Kaji. I knew she would of course avoid mentioning how I was forced to jump into the volcano in the nick of time to save her. But I didn't mind. Unlike her, I wasn't interested in being a glorious EVA pilot.   
After Touji dragged Kensuke back in our little group, Shigeru took his guitar and started playing his best compositions. I was impressed, he was very good! I could feel the emotions he tried to express through his music. They were almost melancholic.   
Then, he played a song I quickly recognized. I believe it was called "Fly me to the moon". It was rather popular. I could almost hear the words... No. I did hear the words. Very softly, almost whispered. I stared at Rei, a look of disbelief on my face. Her red eyes met mine. Her voice gained some intensity, as if the words were destined for me. 

"...Fill my heart with song   
And let me sing forevermore   
You are all I long for   
All I worship and adore   
In other words, please be true!   
In other words, I love you!..." 

"Wow, you're good, Rei." said Hikari, visibly impressed.   
"Good? That's nothing! I'll show you good! In fact, I'll show you what a great voice is!"   
True to her words, Asuka herself started to sing, obviously trying to cover Rei's voice with her own. While Rei's voice had a relaxing quality, Asuka's was pure and rich, full of energy. But both were very beautiful. 

"...Fly me to the moon   
And let me play among the stars   
Let me see what Spring is like   
On Jupiter and Mars   
In other words, hold my hand!   
In other words, darling, kiss me..." 

Then, the slightly drunken Misato came to life.   
"That's the spirit Asuka! Let's do a karaoke! Shin-chan, go get the karaoke machine!"   
"We don't have a karaoke machine Misato-san..."   
She gave me a disoriented look.   
"We don't?"   
I shook my head.   
"Then get me another beer!"   
When I came back from the fridge, Misato was now singing, going on with her idea of an improvised karaoke.   
I suddenly realized I was feeling good. So far, things had gone right. Well almost. But no worries.   
I actually started to enjoy this party...   
  


- - -

After a few hours, Shigeru got tired of playing the guitar, so Kaji decided to provide the background music. Soon, the little apartment was filled with the sound of an old American song. I didn't knew what most of the words meant, but I had to agree that the melody was nice.   
With the exception of Kensuke, everyone was still here.   
I watched with interest what was happening before my eyes.   
Touji and Hikari stole glances at each other when the other wasn't looking. But neither of them seemed to have the courage to make a move. While Hikari's feelings for my friend were quite obvious to everyone, except him, he on the other hand seemed to have mixed feelings about her. Sometimes I couldn't quite tell what was on his mind.   
Asuka was trying hard to get a dance from Kaji. But Kaji's attention was only focused on the slightly drunken major, who was also the object of the attention of a resigned Makoto.   
Maya was intensely watching Dr. Akagi, while herself being observed by Shigeru. This all went unnoticed by a Ritsuko completely lost in thought.   
Rei was watching everyone, probably with the same interest as me, even if it didn't show on her face. Lately, I had learnt not to trust anymore her emotionless look.   
I yawned. It was getting late and this had been quite a hectic day. I leaned against a wall and closed my eyes, letting myself be relaxed by the music. I would probably have quickly fallen asleep if I hadn't suddenly felt someone leaning against me. My eyes opened, but I didn't dare move. While I was surprised, I guess I was relieved to see it was Rei. She looked at me, then closed her eyes and leaned her head against my shoulder. I was shocked! I wasn't sure how to react. Part of me wanted to get up and run from her. But another part of me seemed to be in control; another Shinji, who convinced me to relax and enjoy the shared intimacy.   
I looked at her again and was amazed by what I saw. She wasn't smiling, but I couldn't see her usual expression either. She looked peaceful, almost angelic. Seeing her like this washed away my remaining fears. I closed my eyes again, and let myself be lost in the moment. I felt... amazingly good. At peace, a kind of peace I had never felt before. I felt like nothing bad could happen to me. I felt safe. The moment was almost magical. But moments such as these were not meant to last. It started with a giggle. Then the drunken Misato said a few words. But those had a tremendous impact.   
"Oooh... what... what a cute couple!"   
"Oh my god!"   
I think it was Ritsuko. I didn't know for sure, I was still feeling a bit detached from reality.   
"Way to go Shinji!"   
"Suzuhara-kun!"   
That was enough to snap me back to the real world. I soon realized that nine pairs of eyes were directed toward Rei and me.   
Misato, in her drunken state, was still giggling.   
Kaji had a smile on his face.   
Touji was in pain, his ear being grabbed by a fuming Hikari.   
Ritsuko was very pale, a look of disbelief on her face.   
Maya, Makoto and Shigeru were speechless.   
Asuka was angry. Again.   
I suddenly stood up, forgetting about Rei and almost throwing her aside.   
"It's not what you think!"   
Quickly, I tried to think about something to say. Something that would make sense. I thought about saying "sorry" but realized how stupid it would sound.   
Then, Rei, who was also back on her feet, grabbed my arm with hers and gave everyone a sweet smile.   
Ritsuko fainted.   
Kaji's smile widened.   
Misato choked on her beer.   
Then, if it was possible, Asuka became even angrier. She literally pushed away Kaji, whom she was still clinging on to, who ended up colliding with Misato in a very embarrassing position, and threw a punch at Rei. To everyone's surprise, Rei actually caught Asuka's fist in her free hand.   
I was quite impressed. I did not know Rei had such quick reflexes. But then, I didn't know much about her, did I? She could very well be a master in martial arts, although that was doubtful. But since she had been at NERV for a long time, it was quite possible that Father had imposed on her a degree of hand-to-hand training. Just to make her a more efficient pilot. Or maybe she just had good natural reflexes.   
Bodily harm not working, Asuka reverted to verbal abuse.   
"Du... du Hure! [(*)][3] Leave my Shinji alone!"   
I wasn't sure what "hure" exactly meant, but I could take a few good guesses.   
Rei didn't react one bit. I somehow expected it.   
"Ikari-kun is not yours."   
There were no trace of anger in her soft voice. This was bound to drive Asuka crazy.   
"Yes he is! Shinji belongs to me!"   
This discussion was so unreal. I must have been dreaming. That was what I tried to tell myself. Just a dream. Just a damn stupid dream.   
"Ikari-kun doesn't belong to anyone. And if he did, then he would belong to me. He owes me his life."   
Dream or not, I immediately understood what she meant. Our first mission together. The Fifth Angel. Rei had almost lost her life protecting Unit-01 from the Angel's blast. I had always thought she had done it for my father. For the mission. But now... Hearing her mentioning this tonight. In those circumstances... I wondered...   
"Back off!"   
This time, Asuka pushed Rei with all her body weight. It seemed to work, as Rei released her hold on my arm.   
"I don't know what your little game is, Wonder Girl, but forget about him! He's mine, mine!"   
"This is not a game. And he will never be yours. I will not allow it."   
"What? Are you trying to say he's yours?"   
"I was the first. I was the one who had his attention before you came. But your influence will cease. You are only an outsider, with no real purpose here. Your only goal is to be the best. To satisfy your shattered ego. But soon Ikari-kun will be better than you. Then what will you have to offer? What will be your worth?"   
I couldn't help but to gasp at Rei's words. This was probably true. But it was also very cruel. By the reaction on Asuka's face, I could tell she was hurt. Badly.   
"So you think you're better! Of us all you're the worst pilot! What can a lifeless doll like you offer that I can't?"   
"My life. My body. My soul."   
Asuka's face froze. Obviously she didn't expect such an answer. And I must admit, neither did I. Quite frankly, I was very seriously pondering whether or not I was awake. This had to be a dream. Or a nightmare. I wasn't quite sure which one.   
"Your life? Are you saying you would die for him?"   
"Yes."   
"Are you stupid?"   
"No. My life always had a unique purpose. But now I have found a higher purpose. To protect Ikari-kun from harm. To make him smile. To make him happy."   
Everybody went silent, trying to understand what Rei had just said. Me most of all. That was, after all, a LOT of words coming from Rei. She clarified it for us.   
"I am still unsure of what love is. But, I believe I love Ikari-kun."   
Asuka felt to her knees, as if she had been hit by a fist. She raised her head. Her eyes were in tears. She gave me a pleading look.   
"Tell me Shinji... you said you liked me... tell me you don't love her... tell me you love me!"   
I kept silent. I didn't know what to say. I was still very much in shock by what both of them had said.   
"Don't tell me I'm losing to HER!"   
I wanted to speak but found myself unable to do so.   
"Say anything! Say that you hate me! Say that you love me! Say you don't care!"   
I just... stared at her.   
"Say something!"   
It had came out as a strangled cry. She looked so fragile. So vulnerable. Like a hurt animal. I wanted to take her in my arm, comfort her, tell her what she wanted to hear...   
But I didn't do anything.   
Such a coward I was. I hated myself.   
Seeing what she probably considered a refusal to answer, Asuka stood up and stormed into her room.   
"Fine! Have fun with your doll!"   
She closed her door hard, then I could hear her put on the lock she had recently convinced Misato to install, under the pretence that perverts like me would try to peep on her.   
I gave an apologetic look to the other people around me. The party was over.   
"I'm sorry."   
Everyone seemed to understand.   
Rei offered me an angelic smile.   
  


- - -

After taking care of carrying Misato to her room, I decided to escort Rei to her apartment. It was late and even with the Secret Services watching over us, I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of her walking home alone.   
But the truth was... I was only looking for a reason to leave the apartment.   
To run away from the sobbing I could hear through Asuka's door.   
  


- - -

It was dark in the empty streets of Tokyo-3. Due to the recent Angels attacks, parts of Tokyo-3 electric system tended to suddenly crash. It seemed the lights on this part of the city had suffered from one of those problems. And furthermore, the sky was filled with black clouds, hiding the moon. It would probably rain soon. I would have liked to push Rei to move faster, but I was reluctant to do so. Speeding up our walk also meant returning sooner to the apartment... and Asuka's sobbing. Besides, It actually felt good taking a night walk. A walk alone with Rei.   
When I looked at her, I couldn't help but to stare. Her pale skin stood out in the dim light, giving her an almost eerie look. She looked like a china doll, beautiful yet fragile. No, actually this was a bad description I realized, fascinated by the delicate lines of her face. She was beyond beautiful.   
She turned her head and our eyes locked. Her red eyes almost seemed to shine, like dots of fire in the dark. A man could get lost in those eyes.   
"What's the matter Ikari-kun?"   
As usual, her voice was calm and impenetrable, but I could see the faintest trace of worry in her features.   
"You... you're beautiful..." I whispered.   
Her eyes went wide. Did I just say what I thought I had said.   
Yes, I did. I had meant it. And she had heard me.   
I didn't know what came over me, but I felt the need to repeat those words.   
"You're very beautiful tonight, Ayanami."   
The initial surprise past, her cheeks went red. She turned her head away and looked at the ground, probably too embarrassed to look at me. For a second, I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut.   
But she looked at me again with that angelic smile of hers.   
"Thank you."   
We gazed at each other for quite some time. Then upon some unspoken accord, we went on our way.   
  


- - -

My heart was racing. I couldn't believe what had happened tonight. Rei had said she loved me. Now I was taking her home and on the way, I had told her she was beautiful. My mind was almost on overload.   
Then, my heart sunk. When I though about what Rei had said, I couldn't help thinking about the fight she just had with Asuka. And how the German girl had been devastated by both Rei and I.   
"You shouldn't have said that."   
Rei stopped walking and looked at me.   
"Said what?"   
"You were really mean to Asuka tonight."   
"I only spoke the truth."   
That was true, I knew it. Yet... it just didn't feel right.   
"Some truths can hurt if a person is not ready to hear them. I... well... just be more cautious about what you say. Asuka can be dealt with without the need of crushing her."   
"Very well."   
Rei seemed about to resume her way to her home when she looked at me again.   
"Do you care for her?"   
"I'm not sure", I admitted. "I think I do. I don't have many friends. Her, Touji, Kensuke, Hikari at some extent. Misato-san. And you. I don't want my friends to get hurt. Especially over silly me."   
Rei seemed satisfied by this answer.   
"You are not silly, Ikari-kun."   
Then she turned and walked away. I quickly followed.   
  


- - -

It had taken twenty minutes to, finally, reach her apartment. But to me, it had seemed to have taken much longer. Every time I began to enjoy walking Rei home, Asuka's face would flood into my mind. That tearful look. That single mental image kept ruining what should have been an enjoyable moment for me.   
We got there just in time as it started to rain.   
I had almost forgotten the appalling conditions in which Rei lived. A dirty building that looked uninhabited. A large amount of trash piling up right next to her door. I wouldn't have been surprised if I had seen a rat nearby. And that never ending noise. How Rei could accept such living quarters, I couldn't figure.   
The interior of her apartment was like the exterior: a mess. It was much like what I recalled. A floor that needed badly to be cleaned. A thick layer of dusts everywhere. Wrinkled bed sheets. Bloody bandages lying everywhere except in the trashcan. Even some dirty underwear here and there.   
"Is there something wrong?"   
Rei had probably noticed the look of disapproval that very likely showed on my face.   
"How can you live in such a mess? Doesn't it bother you?"   
"No. It doesn't. Should it?"   
I frowned.   
"Of course it should! It's not healthful! Besides, your living space is a reflection of yourself. If you don't respect it and take care of it, then I can't see how you can respect yourself. And you can hardly expect anybody to respect you."   
"But you respect me, don't you?"   
Damn! She had a point there.   
"Yes, I do."   
"Then your logic is flawed."   
I took some moment to think.   
"I've learned to know you better. But at first I thought you were weird."   
It was the truth. I didn't think it was the best thing to say, but it was the only thing that had crossed my mind.   
"I wouldn't live in such a mess." I added, determined to win my point. I didn't after all do Misato's cleaning just for the fun of it.   
At that comment, Rei took a look around, an embarrassed expression slowly appearing on her face.   
"I see. Please show me what I should do."   
I was surprised.   
"It'll be my pleasure."   
  


- - -

Rei only had a limited amount of cleaning products and accessories, not surprisingly untouched, but we still managed to make her apartment sparkle. Well, almost. There wasn't much that could be done for the ceiling at that time. Still, it was much better and we were rewarded by a pleasurable light lemon scent.   
Quite frankly, I had been surprised by Rei's lack of ability in housekeeping chores. She knew how to wash a floor, since like any other students she was on regular cleaning duties at school, but that was it. In fact, I think she honestly didn't know how to dust furniture, wash the toilet or shower, or even the kitchen sink. She didn't even seem to know how to make a bed. I wasn't sure why, but I believed it was all my father's fault.   
Someday, I would have to ask Rei about her past.   
"Nice change don't you think?"   
"Yes. It is... nice."   
Rei was somehow still in awe of the changes made to her apartment. I didn't think she ever imagined it could look... clean.   
"I guess all that is left now are those bed sheets. Do you have a washing machine?   
"Yes." [(1)][4]   
I pondered the question a bit. It was getting rather late and washing her sheets would take some time.   
"I guess I could show you how to wash them tomorrow if you want."   
"Yes! Please come!"   
I was startled by Rei's sudden outburst of emotions. She looked... happy. She had a cute smile on her face and her eyes were burning with life.   
"Thank you, Ikari-kun."   
"I was happy to help, Ayanami."   
Like a while ago, our gazes locked into one another. I tried to say or do something, but my brain wouldn't function properly.   
"Ikari..."   
I barely registered the sound of my name.   
"What am I to you?"   
She came closer, her body almost against mine. I took a step back.   
"Do you care about me?"   
I knew she was waiting for an answer. I could see it in her eyes. I also knew I couldn't escape. I had to answer.   
"I... I care about you. I... I like you, Ayanami. You're one of my only friends."   
Why did those words sound awfully familiar?   
"Am I just a friend to you?"   
Again, she took a step forward. I couldn't help but gaze at those lips almost against mine.   
"Am I?" It had been only a whisper in my ear, but I could swear it had more impact then any scream or yell I could have heard.   
I took a step back. Part of my brain registered the fact that I was now relatively close to the door of her apartment.   
"I... well... I'm not sure... I don't think so..."   
"Maybe I should help you think about it."   
I froze when I noticed she was removing the ribbon of her school uniform.   
"What... what are you...?"   
"Ikari. Do you want to become one with me?"   
This had to be a dream. One of those wild fantasies... Yeah, I was dreaming!   
But, if I had been dreaming, why was Rei looking so nervous? And why did I feel overwhelmed by panic when she started to unbutton her shirt?   
"Unite body and soul?"   
Oh, God! This wasn't a dream! I was there, in a small apartment, alone with my friend and fellow pilot, a very beautiful girl, who was stripping off her clothes and asking me if I wanted to have sex with her!   
OH GOD!   
I could now clearly see her bra. My mind just went off and my instincts took over.   
I ran.   
I slipped on the wet pavement and fell into a heap of rubbish near the entrance to the apartment block. But it didn't matter. I was out.   
I just let the rain poor on my face and tried to slow down the pounding of my heart. The thought that I had done something really dumb then occurred to me. Rei was probably angry now. I would be lucky if she didn't hate me.   
She came outside. She was back to her calm, controlled self. She stared at me.   
"I'm... I'm sorry..."   
Instead of beating the crap out of me like I thought she would, her face softened. I guess, I had forgotten I wasn't dealing with Asuka...   
"Do not be."   
She leaned over me and planted a light kiss on my forehead. Then she gave me a gentle smile. Incredibly, the rain just seemed to make her even more beautiful.   
"Once you are ready, you can tell me..."   
Then she disappeared.   
For a moment, I touched the place where her lips had met my skin. She didn't hate me. I felt taken over by a rush of relief. Then I smiled. This day had not been so bad after all.   
If only I could take out of my head the picture of a certain crying redhead...   
  


- - -

When I finally came back home, Misato was sitting in the kitchen, coffee cup in hand, talking on the phone. Apparently, she had already overcome the effects of all the beer she had drunk. She had a very serious look on her face, the same she usually had when in command of NERV operations. I knew right away that I should feel worried. And I did.   
"He's been gone for almost two hours now. I'm getting worried."   
Had I been gone for so long?   
"I know, Ritsuko. But what can we do? Just tell them how they should feel?"   
They were obviously discussing the 'incident' earlier. I wasn't really surprised.   
"Well, Rei appeared serious enough. And Asuka did cry for an hour before falling asleep, so I guess, she is serious about it as well. But it's all really up to Shinji."   
An hour... Asuka had cried... for an hour...   
"I won't be the one to tell him not to pursue a relationship if he wants to. They're human beings before being pilots, damn it!"   
Misato kept silent a few seconds.   
"What can the Commander do? Lock them up? Brainwash them? He needs them to pilot the EVAs. No doubt, he'll be angry with Rei, but he's not stupid. He'll probably order her to stay away from Shinji, outside of NERV. Whether or not she'll obey, it's entirely up to Rei."   
Could my father do that? Order Rei to avoid me? What would Rei do then? She said she loved me. Would she actually refuse to follow an order issued by my father?   
Why did I shudder at the thought? Was I actually THAT afraid of losing Rei?   
"Do you think he'll actually do it?"   
Misato gave me a startled look.   
"He's here. We'll talk about this later."   
She turned off the phone, took a sip of coffee and gave me her full attention.   
"Shinji! You're back! Oh, my God! You're soaking wet from head to toe!"   
"You didn't answer me!"   
I was surprised at my tone of voice. I had almost sounded angry. And I was. But I was angry with my father. Misato didn't deserve to be the target of that anger.   
"I'm sorry."   
"It's ok. I understand. And to answer you... I don't know. Quite frankly, I don't know how your father's mind works. But he seems to have some plans for Rei. And I doubt he'll be pleased when he learns that his prized pilot has decided to completely give herself to you."   
I nodded. That sounded just like Father.   
"Go dry yourself and put on some fresh clothes. Then we can talk."   
I nodded again. I quickly went into the bathroom to remove my wet clothes, and I dried myself with a clean bath towel. Wearing just a towel around my waist, I walked to my room to get changed. Then I was back in the kitchen.   
"So Shinji-kun. What will you do?"   
This discussion could be long, so I decided to sit down. I took some time before answering. I needed to gather my thoughts. Misato patiently waited for my answer.   
"I don't know, Misato-san. This is so confusing. Until today, I have always thought that Ayanami cared a bit about me, but never this much. And I thought she cared, only because I was Father's... the Commander's son. Well, I guess, I was way wrong."   
Misato nodded.   
"And as if things weren't complicated enough, Asuka goes totally ballistic. She seemed to be jealous of Ayanami. But that's nothing new. Asuka never liked Ayanami. And if she feels threatened by something, she'll respond aggressively. But tonight... and this morning... she cried. She cried, Misato-san! I had never seen her cry before. Well, at least not when she was awake. Why did she cry? Does she feel something for me?"   
"I don't know, Shinji-kun. Asuka is... difficult. It's hard to tell what her feelings are. And you, what are your feelings?"   
I was reluctant to answer. Sure, I lived with Misato. She was good company, and I think I now considered her more a friend than a guardian. But she also worked for NERV... and for Father.   
"I won't tell anyone, if you worried about that."   
Well, it seemed she had read my mind.   
"I don't want you to write this in a some kind of report either."   
Misato frowned.   
"You're getting smart, Shinji-kun. Very well, I promise this conversation won't be repeated anywhere, either in words or in writing."   
She then smiled.   
"So lover boy. Which one is the object of your affection?"   
"Both."   
The major gasped at the answer.   
"What did you say? Both? What kind of answer is that?"   
"The only one I can give you."   
The surprise on her features was replaced by curiosity.   
"Elaborate."   
"Well. I like them both. And I can't tell which one I prefer. On the outside, both of them are quite attractive. Asuka in a flashy way, and Ayanami... in a mysterious sort of way. As for what they truly are... When Ayanami is around... I feel comfortable and safe, as if nothing bad could happen to me. She is calm. Her presence doesn't bother me. I don't feel I have anything to hide from her. As for Asuka... Well, I admire her energy, her willpower, her sheer determination to be the best and that air of arrogance that emanates from her... Yet sometimes, very rarely, she can appear so fragile... that I would just like to hold her and keep her safe. And when she looked at Kaji-san tonight... I almost wanted to grab her and keep her close to me... This must sound silly."   
Misato shook her head.   
"No, Shinji-kun. I believe you truly care for both of them. But surely there are things about them you don't like. Something that can help you choose... the best one..."   
I took some time to think.   
"Well... Ayanami is cold. It's hard to know what she thinks. But today, she was completely different. She smiled. She stated what was on her mind. She even took part of the discussions we had during the party. And Asuka... She just keeps insulting me and teasing me. But Hikari told me it was because she cared about me. If it's true... Then those problems may not be problems for long.   
Misato took another drink out of her mug. From the face she made, it seemed the coffee was now cold.   
"There's more..."   
I really didn't know if I should talk about that. But then again, if I wanted Misato to help...   
"Tonight.... Ayanami... wanted... wanted me... to... to sleep with her."   
I blurted the last part out.   
"Did I hear you correctly?"   
I nodded.   
"And... did you two...?"   
"NO! I... I ran away..."   
Damn! This was embarrassing. Misato gave me a strange look. I could guess that the professional woman in her was probably in conflict with her careless side. She was probably struggling to decide whether to call me an idiot or congratulate me on being a perfect gentleman.   
"Well, I won't say it was the proper way to respond, but at least you have managed to avoid a great deal of troubles. The last thing we would need right now is a pregnant pilot."   
I blushed deeply at the thought.   
"Soooo... Let me see. Rei... has shown... an interest... in you. A very intense interest. Asuka also appears to show some degree of interest. And now, you're telling me that you're actually interested in both of them, and don't know whom to choose, right?"   
"Er.... Well.... Yes, I guess, that's a way to put it."   
"Shinji..."   
Misato's face was strangely serious.   
"I can only give you one advice..."   
I couldn't believe my luck! Misato would _actually_ be of some help!   
"Date both of them, of course!"   
"WHAT?! What kind of stupid advice is that?"   
Misato's fist hit the table hard.   
"Watch your manners, young man!"   
Seeing what was, no doubt, shame on my face, Misato's angry expression was quickly replaced by a wide smile.   
"Shin-chan, unless you make a choice now, how do you expect to make a choice at all, if you don't even know them a bit more than you do now? I can think of only one way to get to know them better, and that's to date them... and not at the same time, if possible."   
"Isn't that... dishonest?"   
"Well... neither of them is your girlfriend yet..."   
"You're... you're right..."   
"Of course I am! And if you're not sure, just ask Kaji what he would do. I'm pretty sure I can already guess his answer..."   
  


- - -

"Date both of them, of course!"   
Damn! Misato had been right after all. Well, if that's what Kaji would do...   
"Thanks, Kaji-san. Your advice is greatly appreciated"   
"I am always glad to help, Shinji-kun. And I must confess, I am greatly intrigued by this situation. I didn't think you were such a Casanova. Two girls at once. You truly are an impressive young man. And very honestly, if you keep Asuka busy, hitting on Misato will be much easier."   
The eternally unshaven man had a big grin on his face.   
"I don't know. While I'm interested in Ayanami and Asuka, the woman I truly love is Misato. If I let you have Mi-chan, some nights are gonna be quite lonely..."   
Kaji just froze there, mouth wide opened, unable to say a thing.   
"Just kidding, Kaji-san."   
An expression of relief washed over his face, followed by a smile.   
"Young boy, you've been living with Misato and Asuka for far too long..."   
I just shrugged.   
"I can't always be the one who gets teased, can I?"   
"I must admit, there are time when you impress me Shinji-kun."   
Coming from Kaji, those words meant a lot to me. But now was not the time to get overly happy about a little praise. I had problems do deal with.   
"If... if I date them... what should I do?"   
"First time?"   
I nodded.   
"Well, knowing Rei, anything would do. She's not much the 'going out' type. A nice romantic dinner followed by a movie maybe. Quite simple, but in Rei's case it would probably be quite new and exciting. And you're lucky. The Tokyo-3 movie center is showing a nice romantic movie this weekend. That should give you plenty of opportunities to... ahem... know her better."   
I frowned.   
"Hey! I don't want her to think I'm a pervert!"   
"Just teasing. Quite fair after the scare you gave me."   
I mumbled an excuse.   
"As for Asuka, I'd say the simpler the better. She may whine a bit, call you childish, but in truth, Asuka despises boys who try to impress her. Just make sure she has a nice time, and try to be more talkative than you usually are."   
"I see, thank you, Kaji-san."   
I was really grateful to Kaji. In times like this, I wished he were my father. Why couldn't Father be like him? Why couldn't Father at least care enough to take the time to just talk with me.   
"So, who will you begin with?"   
I had already given the question some thought.   
"Ayanami. It should be easier to break the ice with her. That way, I'll have a better idea of what I'll be doing with Asuka."   
Kaji seemed to approve.   
"A wise choice. Although, there is a small problem."   
I gave him an inquiring look.   
"Remember, you'll be taking her on a date. Don't call her Ayanami."   
I nodded in understanding.   
"Rei..."   


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 3 - Breaking the ice   
  
  


- - -

Omake 

What if... 

"Say something!"   
It came out as a strangled cry. She looked so fragile. So vulnerable. Like a hurt animal. I wanted to take her in my arm, comfort her, tell her what she wanted to hear...   
But I didn't do anything.   
Such a coward I was. I hated myself.   
Seeing what she probably considered a refusal to answer, Asuka stood up and gave me a look of absolute hate.   
"SHINJI NO BAKA!" [(*)][5]   
I'm not quite sure what happened next. Suddenly, Asuka had a wooden mallet in her hands which ended up hitting me with enough strength not only to hurt me like never before but also send me through the roof and into Low Earth Orbit.   
This was all Misato's fault! Didn't I tell her not to rent those damned old Ranma 1/2 tapes?   
Hope that I'll be at least lucky enough to land near a hospital. And on something soft if possible...   
"Kawaikune..." [(*)][6]   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][7]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Hure
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note2_1
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#baka
   [6]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#kawaiikune
   [7]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap2



	4. Chapter 3 - Breaking the ice

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 3 - Breaking the ice   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on February 20th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on March 10h 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on March 23th 1999   
Final draft finished on March 27th 1999, revised on May 10th 1999   
Final revisions on March 7th 2000 

(*) Click to reach translations notes   
  


* * *

  
One day had passed since that hectic Valentine's Day. While not as bad, the following day hadn't been a good one either. The only positive point of that day was a long and quite profitable discussion with Kaji. Besides that... Asuka treated me as if I didn't exist. No thanks to a good number of rumors, which involved Rei, Asuka, Hikari, and myself, school had been hell. I hated being a center of attention; Kensuke's and Touji's usual teasing was enough for me. Because of those damn rumors, Touji had been on my back all day. Who was the baka who came up with this stupid rumor that I had a secret relationship with Hikari anyway? And Rei? Well... she was back to her normal self. Quite frankly, after what had happened, I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. That was what scared me the most. She had already shown quite an outburst of emotions. Who could tell when the next would happen? And what she would do...   
Still, I finally decided to see her again, as promised, to show her how to take care of her bed sheets.   
Everything was now spinning in her old, but apparently working, washing machine. For a long time, neither of us spoke.   
"You did not come yesterday like you said. Why?"   
Damn! She was angry. It didn't show, but I was sure of it...   
"Well..."   
"Did you feel uncomfortable because of what happened?"   
How did she do that? Was I so easy to read?   
"Umm... I... I guess..."   
"Why?"   
If it had been anybody else, I would have wondered if it were a joke. But in Rei's case... There was a genuine innocence about her. Some things that seemed obvious to everybody else seemed to be unknown to her. I often wondered why, but somehow, I could think of only one answer: Father.   
"Well... I... I guess I was... afraid. I wasn't sure what kind of reaction to expect from you..."   
"You were afraid of me?"   
She had kept her usual tone of voice, but in her eyes I could read that she seemed somewhat hurt.   
"No! That's not what I mean... I... it... it just seemed too fast. I understand your feelings... it least I think I do. It's just... I don't think I'm ready for THAT yet. I'm... not even sure how I feel about you. I like you a lot... but enough too... you know... be that intimate... Damn! It's so confusing..."   
"I see."   
She turned her head away. Was she upset? Maybe I had said something that had hurt her.   
"It doesn't mean I don't care about you. In fact... would you... would you like to go out with me next Saturday night?"   
She looked at me, curiosity in her eyes.   
"Go out?"   
"Yes. On a date."   
"A date? What is that?"   
She... she didn't know? I knew her social skills were... limited, but that much?   
"It's... an occasion for a boy and a girl to meet... to be together... and do something out of the ordinary."   
"We have never done the laundry before. Does this mean we are currently on a date?"   
I blinked. She wasn't joking, was she?   
"No... not really. Laundry is hardly romantic..."   
Rei's eyes seemed to light up.   
"So a date involves romance between a man and a woman?"   
Dangerous ground here.   
"Well... not always. Rather, I think its purpose is to help two people discover if they can make a good couple."   
Understanding seemed to show on her face.   
"So in asking me, your purpose is to discover if I can be a good mate for you?"   
"Er... I... I guess it's one way to put it."   
She smiled. Did I love that smile.   
"Then, we shall go out together Saturday night."   
Wow! That had been easy!   
"Really? Great!"   
Again, she looked intrigued.   
"This pleases you?"   
"Well... yes. I... I've been interested in knowing you better for a long time now."   
"Why didn't you inquire about me sooner?"   
I shrugged.   
"The occasion never came. Or rather, I wasn't ready, I guess."   
"What about the Second? Will you take her on a date as well?"   
I froze. For a moment, I thought my heart had actually stopped beating.   
"I see."   
I didn't know what to say. This was really awkward.   
Then, Rei smiled.   
"It doesn't matter. I will win."   
  


- - -

Finally, Misato got back from NERV headquarters. I had been waiting for this all day. The plans I had built with Kaji depended on the news she would give me.   
"So? How did it go?"   
With a finger, she signaled me to wait. She went in the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the fridge, gulped it down, then finally gave me some attention.   
"Very painfully. Paying you means paying Asuka and Rei, and your father didn't seem thrilled about the idea of Rei being financially independent. It took a lot of arguing. However, the idea of one of his pilots going on stike and telling UN officals that he risked his life for free finally convinced him that it would be better to agree."   
That argument had been an idea of Kaji's. For some reason, he seemed used to dealing with Father and was better at predicting his reactions.   
"Once your father had accepted, it wasn't difficult to put you three on the payroll," Misato continued. "Congratulations Shinji! You are now an official NERV employee and as an Evangelion Pilot you have a bigger paycheck than mine."   
The fact that Father had agreed to pay us was surprising, but this was an even bigger surprise.   
"I'll be better paid than you?"   
"Yes. I aimed for the highest salary I could. Six million yen a year, more or less one hundred fifteen thousand yen each week [(1)][3]. And a bonus of two hundred thousand yen each time you go into combat and manage to come back without a scratch on the EVA."   
I gasped. So much money... and a bonus?   
"You're not serious..."   
"Two hundred thousand yen is not much compared to the repair cost of an EVA..."   
"Wow..."   
I could hardly believe it. I was actually worth that much money?   
"Each of you will have a bank account opened under his name. Your weekly pay will be deposited automatically."   
"Perfect!"   
Misato gave me a curious look.   
"If I may ask... why did you suddenly want to be paid? You didn't care much about money before."   
"I didn't have to date two girls before..."   
"Oh! I see... still willing to go forward with this idea?"   
I nodded.   
"There's not much else I can do unless you want Asuka to stay with Hikari permanently."   
"Still mad at you?"   
I nodded again. Mad was actually a light term.   
"I see... well, all I can say is good luck, I guess."   
"I'll likely be needing it."   
Yes, luck... This whole plan was crazy. I'd need some indeed...   
  


- - -

Sometimes, I wondered why I bothered listening to Misato's advice. Sure, it sounded good at the time. Date Rei and Asuka. Quite simple. Except for one small detail. While asking Rei out had been surprisingly easy, Misato's plan also involved asking Asuka on a stupid date, not to mention I still felt it was kinda dishonest toward both girls. And ever since Misato's Valentine's Day party two days ago, Asuka had not exchanged a glance with me, let alone words. That whole plan was doomed to fail...   
Luckily, I showed enough insight to talk to Hikari about my plans, or at least half of them. She didn't really need to know I planned on taking Rei on a date a day before Asuka.   
In any case, she had been hectic about the news and offered her help. Since Asuka had been seeking refuge in her house for the last two days, she promised to find a convenient excuse to throw Asuka out.   
It seemed to work, because Asuka entered the apartment shortly after I had arrived from school.   
She was, needless to say, in quite a bad mood.   
Our eyes met, but she quickly turned her head away, disgust clearly on her face.   
Oh, God! This would be hard.   
She ran into her room where she barricaded herself.   
I knocked on the door, but my only answer was silence.   
"Asuka... I need to talk to you."   
"Go away. You can go talk with your stupid doll."   
I felt a hint of anger, but I managed to suppress it. Now was not the time to have THAT discussion.   
Maybe the easiest way would be to simply say it directly.   
"Misato has promised us a day off Sunday. No harmonic tests, no school... Do you... would you... want... to go out with me?"   
Well, I had said it. I was shaking, my heart was beating at an abnormal rate, but I had said it. Seems miracles can happen sometimes.   
I heard a loud crashing noise coming from inside her room. Since it didn't sound like furniture been broken by a furious redhead EVA pilot, I became worried.   
"Are you ok, Asuka?"   
I managed to sound concerned. And I was.   
"No I'm not! I've just fallen on the floor, you baka!"   
I didn't dare ask how she had managed that and why.   
Her door flew open and a hand hit my face. Hard. Enough to throw me on the floor.   
"How dare YOU ask ME out on a DATE!"   
I had hoped she would be happy, but she was clearly furious. I couldn't blame her though, with what had happened on the night of the party.   
I tried to recall what Kaji had told me about her. If I didn't stand up to her, she would never agree. I wasn't sure if I was up to the task. Maybe I should have just chosen Rei...   
"Maybe because I wanted to spend some enjoyable time with YOU...", I replied while getting up.   
What do you know... seemed like I had some courage after all.   
"Why? Got tired of your doll already?"   
I gave her a deathly glare, but, again, managed to keep my cool. Maybe Rei's calmness was starting to rub on me.   
I took the time to carefully choose my words. I needed to hide my nervousness. And I didn't want to lie either.   
"I'm sure she'd gladly accept. But I don't want to share this Sunday with her. I want to share it with you..."   
I was suddenly struck by inspiration. Damn! Kaji was right. I did spend too much time with Asuka and Misato.   
Time for the coup de grace.   
"But I've figured you wouldn't understand... You never try to understand me... Baka!"   
While I only wanted to make her feel guilty, as I spoke the words, I realized I had meant them, and that the hurt expression that showed on my face afterward was actually genuine.   
I just left her there and stormed into my room, closing the door hard with all my strength.   
Suddenly feeling drained, I collapsed on my bed and stared at the ceiling.   
This had not gone like it should have. For some reason, I had probably just managed to hurt myself.   
I had started to think that Asuka might not have been worth all this trouble when I heard my door slide open. I looked up to see Asuka, a soft expression on her face.   
"You really want to go out with me?"   
I nodded.   
For a brief instant, I could recognize many expressions on her face. Relief, shame, joy and others I couldn't quite name. This, however, only lasted a second. When she spoke again, it was with her usual arrogant air.   
"Very well, Third Children. I'll bestow upon you the honor of dating me, Sohryu Asuka Langley. You'd better make sure you are worthy of my time!"   
I gave her a cocky smile that surprised her.   
"You'll see..."   
Asuka raised an eyebrow.   
"Well, well... where does all that sudden confidence come from?"   
It is said flattery can get you anything. Time to check.   
"Won't I be dating the most gorgeous girl in Tokyo-3?"   
She gave me her most beautiful smile, before reverting to her arrogant self. If I had not been seated on my bed, I might have fallen on the floor. For that brief moment, she had really been the most gorgeous person I had ever seen.   
"Indeed you will... Indeed you will..."   
  


- - -

Life can be surprising. Two days ago, Asuka had been totally angry with me. Now, she was all over me. She insisted we walked to school together, that we ate lunch together, that we came back home together... She almost came with me in the guys locker room to change for PE. While I'm sure most of the guys wouldn't have minded, I was glad I had been able to talk her out of that idea.   
Something was wrong with her.   
Was she trying to keep me from talking to Rei? It sure looked like it...   
From the basketball court, I looked toward the swimming pool area.   
True to herself, Rei was sitting at her usual place, obviously lost in her usual thinking. She turned her head a little and her gaze met mine. Our eyes remained locked for a short time, long enough for me to blush furiously. We were interrupted by the appearance of the head of a certain German girl over Rei's shoulder. She gave me a furious glare.   
That was bad, really bad...   
Trying to salvage things as best as I could, I just smiled and waved at her. Asuka's features changed from anger to joy in an instant.   
"Hi, Shinji!"   
She started to wave at me, getting the attention of all the girls around her and the guys down on the basketball field. Then, I suddenly felt the target of a lot of glances.   
It didn't take time for Touji and Kensuke to start teasing me.   
"Look, Shinji, your girlfriend is waving at you."   
"She's not my girlfriend!"   
"She did seem happy to see you were looking at her, and she didn't call you baka all morning long."   
Surprisingly, I realized Kensuke was right. Asuka had been much nicer then usual this morning.   
"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy looking at her," Touji continued. "Your little Asuka in a swimsuit. Look, look! Those legs! Those boobs!!..."   
"I wasn't looking at her! I was looking at Rei!"   
Damn! I really wished I hadn't said that...   
"You sly dog! So you're going for both girls?"   
Somehow, I couldn't help but to grin.   
"Maybe I am..."   
That shut both of them up. At least for a few seconds.   
"That's not fair! You're getting all the cute girls! I want to pilot an EVA, too..."   
No surprise Kensuke was still obsessed with that.   
"Seriously, Shinji..."   
Touji now had a concerned look.   
"We'll talk later. Tonight. This afternoon I have to skip class."   
"Synchronization tests?" asked Kensuke.   
"No... I need to talk to Misato."   
"Oh man! He really has all the girls!"   
I sighed. Those two could be impossible at time.   
"Well, actually, I still need to ask Hikari out..."   
"No you won't!"   
Touji tried to emphasize his objection by showing his fist.   
"What's the matter Touji? Don't want me to take your girlfriend away?"   
Touji began to blush furiously.   
"Speaking of Hikari, isn't tomorrow her birthday?" Kensuke asked innocently.   
Touji went white. I couldn't help but to laugh. Now, it was his time to suffer.   
  


- - -

It took me a while to find Misato's office. NERV Headquarters was a huge place and I had rarely visited her office. When I came to NERV, it was usually either to go fight Angels or to submit myself to Dr. Akagi's never-ending tests. Personally, the further away I was from NERV, the better I felt.   
How ironic, I was now a NERV employee.   
I finally found her office. Luckily, Misato was there, at her desk, or rather a giant pile of paper, mumbling a few curses involving UN military bills.   
"I need your help Misato."   
She almost screamed, obvious startled. Maybe I should have knocked first?   
"Shinji! You scared me! Don't you know how to knock?"   
"Sorry..."   
She gave me the Misato-Death-Look; the look that said "Do something that stupid again and you're dead". I just froze.   
"What the hell are you doing here? You should be at school!"   
"Well, I'm not. I decided to follow your advice so now I need your help."   
Her expression immediately softened.   
"I see. So... how may I help you?"   
I told her. Her eyes went wide.   
"You want what? What kind of pervert are you?"   
What kind of thought had crossed her mind?   
"Hey! I'm no pervert!"   
"Then why do you need Rei's measurements?"   
"I need to buy a dress for her."   
Again, she looked quite surprised.   
"What?"   
"A dress, you know, what girls wear..."   
She gave me the Look again.   
"I know what a dress is! What I want to know is why?"   
I smiled.   
"Do you know a restaurant called 'Pour deux'?"   
She nodded.   
"Yeah, sure. Fancy place that specialized in French and Italian cuisine. Been there once with Ka... ahem... someone..."   
I almost burst out laughing. Why she tried to hide her feelings for Kaji was beyond my comprehension.   
"You have your answer. Fancy place..."   
"You don't mean... you want to take Rei there?"   
"Yes..."   
"But it costs a fortune!"   
I shrugged.   
"That pay we'll get has to be of some use..."   
"But you won't have anything until at least next week."   
This would shock her.   
"Kaji loaned me some money. A lot of money actually. Enough to pay for the food, dress, a something nice for me to wear and all the other bits and pieces."   
I had been right. She looked stunned. Again.   
"Kaji did that? Since when does he have so much money to spend?"   
"Don't ask me..."   
Misato remained silent, obviously lost in thought.   
"So? Can you help? I'd hate to have to go peek into her drawers to find the size of her clothes. And I'm sure that with all those tests we have to go through, you already have all the information I need."   
"Um... That shouldn't be a problem. I'll ask Maya to give me the last plugsuit readings... Do you know what kind of dress you want to buy?"   
"No idea. And I want it to be a surprise, so I can't ask her to choose..."   
Misato shook her head.   
"Um... a boy buying a dress for a girl... It doesn't sound right... I know, I'll take care of it!"   
I frowned.   
"I don't know..."   
"Trust me!"   
"I don't know..."   
Putting her hands on my shoulders, she gave me a very serious look.   
"You really think you can handle it? I'm sure you didn't even think she would need a pair of shoes to go with her dress..."   
Then a silly grin crossed her face.   
"... And... some fancy underwear to please her man while we're at it..."   
"Misato!"   
She laughed. Not too surprising since I was her favorite teasing target.   
"Just teasing... But I know just the right place. Their work is great and it doesn't cost that much. They also use a new type of state of the art holographic technology, which is perfect for this situation. With our data, it'll be easy for them to make the perfect dress without the need of a live model, and it'll fit Rei perfectly."   
I took some time to think. It did sound good.   
"Well... ok... as long as you don't get her something indecent..."   
"How could you think I'd do something like that?"   
"We live in the same apartment..."   
She gave me a nervous laugh.   
"Don't worry! I'll make a queen out of your little Rei!"   
Somehow, I couldn't help but to worry...   
"When do you need that dress?"   
"Saturday night."   
"Oh my! Not much time to lose! I'll give Maya a call straight away!"   
Well, she seemed serious enough. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad... I hoped.   
  


- - -

It's surprising how difficult keeping a date secret is. Realizing I could never escape the apartment without Asuka noticing, I had been forced to ask for Touji's help. A few days earlier, he had, after a lot of pleading, agreed to hide the formal clothes I bought for the occasion. Now, I had to fake a visit to his home. That was highly unusual, but Asuka didn't ask questions, and since she wasn't crazy about Touji, she didn't insist on coming.   
"Man! I tell you, you're making a big mistake..."   
"Tell me something I don't already know."   
I had been trying to put on a stupid tie correctly for ten minutes now. Needless to say I was getting quite irritated.   
"If you know it's stupid, then why?"   
"Because I need to know which one I want. Both of them are pressuring me in their own ways. I've got to find out and fast."   
Touji gave me a doubtful look.   
"And you think dating them both will solve your problems."   
"Well... I hope it will..."   
Touji shook his head.   
"Man... you're hopeless..."   
"At least I'm dating someone!"   
I immediately regretted for saying this.   
"Sorry, Touji. I didn't mean it."   
"Well, you may have a point..."   
Touji grabbed the damned tie and solved my problems. Now, it finally looked right. Actually... I looked rather good in formal attire.   
"You know, you only need to ask her..." I told him.   
"Why would I want to ask her out?"   
I was the one who shook his head.   
"We're not at school you know..."   
Touji showed me the way out of his apartment.   
"Just go on your date!"   
I nodded. If he didn't want to talk now, it was ok.   
"Thanks," I told him, then I realized something. "If you're throwing me out, can you at least call my taxi?"   
"Baka!"   
  


- - -

When my taxi reached Rei's apartment, I found Misato waiting outside. She had volunteered to deliver the dress to Rei and help her out in preparing for our date. I had been reluctant to accept her help, but when she said she believed Rei might not know how to look properly feminine, I couldn't really disagree. While Rei hardly looked like a tomboy, it was clear by the way she treated her clothes and her unruly hair that she didn't bother much with her appearance. Unlike Asuka, who could sometimes monopolize the bathroom for almost an hour.   
"Your date is here, Rei!" Misato shouted.   
It was a good thing Rei didn't seem to have any neighbors, otherwise, everyone would have heard.   
I was about to scold Misato when suddenly, Rei appeared. The words simply died in my mouth and my heart started to pound.   
"Kawaii..." [(*)][4]   
I blinked, then rubbed my eyes, but the picture I had before them didn't change.   
She was awesome!   
She wore a long blue evening dress, which matched the curves of her slender body as well as her plugsuit. The upper part, with the exception of a lace collar, was apparently made of light blue nylon matching the color of her hair, through which it was possible to see her shoulders, arms and a nice view of her cleavage. The lower part of the dress, a darker shade of blue and made of satin, was cut on each side and revealed part of her nice legs.   
"Aya... Rei... you're so beautiful!"   
Her cheeks went red, making her look even more perfect, if possible.   
"You are very elegant yourself, Ikari-kun."   
"Now, now, Rei. What did I tell you?" said a visibly disappointed Misato.   
Rei nodded.   
"You are very elegant, Shinji-kun."   
I could see Misato smacking her forehead with her palm in total desperation. But it was fine by me. Shinji-kun. I liked the way it sounded when said by Rei.   
I extended my hand to her and smiled shyly.   
"Shall we go?"   
Rei smiled back.   
"We may."   
I opened the door of the taxi and ushered her in.   
"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you there, Shinji?" asked Misato as I closed the door.   
"No." I answered on my way to my side of the car. "It's nice of you to offer, but I can manage. Besides, I don't want Ayanami to be sick before dinner."   
I joined Rei inside the taxi before Misato could answer back, a grin on my face.   
I knew the Major would probably have her revenge later... but right now, I didn't care. I was with one of the two most important girls in the world, and we were going on a date.   
  


- - -

When we entered in the restaurant, I was impressed. While not really luxurious, the place still looked fancy in what was probably a typical European style. While the outside looked like any other building in Tokyo-3, made of highly resistant steel, the interior was completely different. Like a small house had been built inside. The walls, floors and ceiling were all in timber, probably oak or some other foreign wood. The tables and chairs seemed to be perfect replicas, at least that's what I thought, of antique European furniture. There were many green plants all over the restaurant and even two fish tanks: one that contained a variety of marvellous fishes, the other holding a few live lobsters, likely on the menu. All staff were in formal attire, and three musicians were on a stage playing a sweet violin melody.   
The waiter who asked for my reservation looked doubtfully at me for a while, but showing him my NERV ID settled matters. Rei and I were graciously escorted to our table, then handed the menus.   
"So... what do you think, Rei?"   
"It is... unusual."   
I smiled.   
"That's the whole idea. It's a way to escape Tokyo-3. Tonight, we're not pilots Ayanami and Ikari, but rather Ayanami Rei and Ikari Shinji on a date. No Angels. No EVAs. Just us..."   
"It is pointless to try to escape reality..."   
I almost felt bad about having taken her here when she continued, this time with a smile.   
"... but it is an interesting experience. And a nice thought having you all to myself."   
Hearing this, the word "joy" could probably be read all over my face.   
Then, I took a look at the menu. It was rather big and protected by a leather cover. I was amazed to see how detailed it was. For each meal, we could see a tasty picture. How practical!   
My stomach started to growl. Then, I was shocked to see Rei giggling.   
"You must be quite hungry."   
"I am!" I admitted.   
Rei took her own menu and started to search through it for a meal.   
"I verified before making the reservations. They have a good variety of vegetarian meals. They even have vegetarian sauces for their pasta dishes."   
"I see. It is nice of you to have remembered."   
Soon we ordered our meals. Rei ordered a fettuccini Alfredo with a Caesar's salad while I ordered a rib steak with pepper sauce and smashed potatoes.   
"Since when?"   
Rei gave me an inquiring look.   
"Since when did you have those feelings? For me?" I timidly asked.   
"I... I am unsure. Maybe since the first time. I have always felt confused by your decision to pilot without any training just to spare my life. You were the only one, except your father, who had seemed to care about my well being. And since that day, you never stopped caring..."   
I nodded. I did care about her. Probably more than I cared about my own life.   
"It is strange. But sometimes I feel like I have always known you..." added Rei, half lost in thought.   
I understood how she felt. I sometime felt the same way. Something about her, something I couldn't quite point out, was vaguely familiar, yet different. It was a weird feeling.   
Soon, our meals came. I gasped when I saw them. They were enormous plates, enough to feed the two of us on a single order. I took a bite out of my steak. It was good too! Excellent! A big change from Misato's cooking, or even mine.   
"Oh my!"   
I gave Rei a worried look. That was not something she usually said.   
"Oishii!" [(*)][5]   
A ferocious look on her face, she started to literally inhale the content of her plate.   
That was odd.   
"Can I... Can I try some?"   
I had just said the words when Rei stood up, her fork just under my nose. I blinked, then opened my mouth where she gently deposited the content of her fork. I had to agree with her... it was unusual... but truly delicious.   
We continued to eat for a while, in silence, when I finally found the courage to ask her something I had thought of since last Valentine's Day.   
"Tell me Rei, why did you... that night... you know..."   
I knew I was blushing. It seemed to make her smile.   
"Because it felt right."   
I gave her an inquiring look.   
"Because it is truly what I want. To become one with you. Body, mind and soul."   
I pondered the question for a while.   
"I never had that kind of relationship before... but I think sex is just not enough to unite two hearts. In fact, shouldn't it only be done if two hearts are already united? Otherwise, wouldn't it just be meaningless?"   
Rei blinked in amazement.   
"You... you may be right..."   
Then, Rei's face darkened considerably. She almost looked sad. I couldn't help but to worry. It was the first time I had seen such an expression in Rei and I knew I didn't like it.   
"What's the matter, Rei?"   
"If... if you are right... then I... I do not know what I should do to be one with you..."   
"I don't know myself... but... maybe there isn't anything to do. Maybe it's just something that happens. You... you just have to be truthful to yourself. Be who you are, nothing more, and show it to the world. Accept what you feel. Say it. Then... you will see.. If something must happen, it will. If two people are made for one another, won't their hearts call out to each other?"   
I shook my head.   
"I don't make much sense, do I?"   
Surprisingly, Rei smiled again.   
"No. You do make sense. I believe you and I is right. It is what should be. And it will happen. My heart is seeking out yours. And your heart will answer back, Shinji-kun."   
"I would like to be as sure as you..."   
"You will. Until then, I will wait for you to choose me over Sohryu."   
This said, Rei smiled once more and happily returned her attention to her meal. I couldn't help but to smile back.   
Maybe she was right. Maybe Rei and I were destined to be together...   
  


- - -

_I only dream of you_   
I guessed Kaji had been right. That did sound like a romantic type movie.   
The Tokyo-3 theater was much like I remembered. I had came here once, after the fourth Angel battle. At the time, I had been quite confused and only wanted to run away. The theater had seemed like a good place to avoid reality for a while. Not that it really worked. I had been quickly brought back to reality by the sound of two teenagers kissing. I still remembered how lonely I had felt at the time. But now, as I looked at Rei, I didn't feel lonely anymore.   
For the first time, I realized how large the theatre really was. And how empty. Beside Rei and myself, there were only around twenty other customers. It wasn't surprising. With the Angel attacks, the interest for movies had dropped, like Tokyo-3's population. For a moment I wondered why the owner had not closed yet. I was, however, glad it was still open.   
I chose what I thought were good seats. In the center, not too close to the screen, but not too far either. Just at the right place so we didn't have to make any effort to raise our heads to look at the screen.   
Soon, the lights went off, which startled Rei a bit. It was, after all, the first time she had ever set foot in a movie theater. I looked at her and gave her a reassuring smile. She nodded, then looked at the screen that had now come to life.   
At first, I had wondered if it had been a good idea. Rei was looking at the screen with that far away look of hers. I quickly feared she was getting bored, but when the relation between the characters seemed to take place, she showed a look of genuine fascination. Her eyes seemed drawn to the screen. While I was happy she liked that movie, I was kind of disappointed too. Guess I had hoped she would pay attention to me as well.   
Then, she took my hand into hers. Her eyes had not left the screen to do so, but I was quite happy nonetheless.   
I completely lost interest in the movie. I was amazed by her light touch, the heat and softness of her hand. For a long time, I forgot the screen and only gazed at her.   
  


- - -

While I waited outside the theater for Rei to come back from the ladies room, I tried to get some life back into my body. Watching a movie was nice, but two hours comfortably seated had that nagging tendency to drive all your muscles to sleep. Luckily, the weather was quite nice, unlike the week before when I had walked Rei home. I blushed at the thought at what had happened afterward. Well... what almost happened... I had some regrets for my not having acted differently..   
"Hope Touji and Kensuke never find out about that. Otherwise, I won't hear the end of it..."   
"What secret should they ignore?"   
Surprised, I jumped away from the source of the voice. Rei! Somehow, she had managed to get behind me without making even the smallest noise.   
"Shall we go?" she asked. "It is time to head home."   
I reached for my cell phone to call a taxi. Guessing my intentions, Rei prevented me from using it.   
"Let's walk."   
I didn't know what to think. While not that far, it was at least an hour's walk from here to her apartment. And from what I had heard from Misato, on the few occasions she had attended weddings and similar events, high heels were supposed to be quite uncomfortable. But on the other hand, she was the one who had asked to walk. Besides... could I really say no to her? When I looked again at that shy angelic smile, I realized I could not.   
Timidly, I offered her my hand. I didn't know if she would accept it.   
"Let's go..."   
Rei surprised me by taking my hand into hers. Again, I was amazed by the way it felt against mine. For the first time, I noted how it was smaller then mine and how the fingers looked more delicate.   
Both of us blushing, we headed for her apartment in silence. We didn't really need to exchange words. The other's presence was all we both needed.   
  


- - -

When we finally arrived at her apartment, Rei invited me in for a while, before I would leave to get home myself. I didn't want to go in, but I didn't want to give her the impression I wasn't comfortable with the idea. Besides, since that night, nothing had happened the few times I had visited.   
Still...   
She looked so sexy in that dress...   
"Maybe I'm the one I should be afraid of..." I thought, realizing the kind of thoughts that seemed cross my mind.   
It had been a few days since my last visit, yet the apartment was still spotless. Apparently, Rei had picked up a fervor for cleaning. I just hoped she did it for herself and not for me.   
Since there weren't any chairs in her tiny place, we both sat on the bed. Rei started to stare at me. For a while I tried to avoid her gaze, but my eyes never failed to find their way back to meet hers. Realizing I needed to break the silence that kept us locked in this silent intimacy, I said the first thing that came to my mind.   
"Did... did you like the movie?"   
This had the desired effect, although I thought I'd noticed a flash of hurt expression on her face before she regained her usual impenetrable countenance. But then, she smiled and her eyes seemed to suddenly burn with a passion I had rarely seen in her.   
"Yes." Her voice seemed softer then usual. "But there is one thing I did not understand."   
"What is it?" I asked, wanting to help.   
Without giving me the chance to react her, body leaned against my own.   
"This..." she whispered, as she wrapped me in her arms and placed her lips against my own.   
At first, I just froze, eyes wide open, not really understanding what was going on. Then, soon enough, my brain managed to catch on as I slowly melted into Rei's warm embrace. I held her back tightly and returned the kiss as best as I could.   
"I think I understand now."   
"Are you sure, Rei-chan?"   
Again, our lips met, this time with more passion, as we both laid on the bed. I surprised myself as I realized my hands seemed to wander all over her, even in places I would never have dared touch in a normal state of mind. I was rewarded by a small moan on Rei's part and a deeper kiss.   
I'm not sure if things could have gone further that night. Maybe. But I never had the chance to find out.   
I didn't know why, but I suddenly thought about Asuka.   
I broke the kiss and stood up.   
Rei gave me a startled look.   
"What's wrong, Shinji-kun?"   
I tried to smile.   
"Nothing, Rei-chan," I lied. "I just want to make sure things don't go too fast..."   
That was a lame excuse, but it seemed to satisfy Rei. Actually, she blushed a bit. I guess she had wondered herself how far it could have gone.   
Silently, I cursed Asuka. Damn her! Why did she have to exist?   
Then, I made a choice. Tomorrow would be her only chance. I would take her on her date, make sure she had fun and explain to her that we could be good friends but nothing more.   
Because, in my heart, I knew she had already lost...   
I had just fallen in love with Rei.   
  


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 4 - Don't play with fire   
  
  


- - -

Omake: 

"What is she doing?" I asked myself.   
However, in truth, I knew what she was doing. She was looking down at the basketball field. That bitch was looking at my Shinji, I was sure of it! Without hesitation I looked over her shoulder to confirm my doubts. Just as I thought! She was looking at Shinji...   
But wait a minute...   
He... me was looking at her! My Shinji!   
The jerk! How dare he! How dare he ask me out and then look at her! Her! That doll! What could he look at anyway? She was nothing compared to me! My breasts were bigger! My face cuter! I was one hundred times more interesting than her!   
Baka! Baka Shinji!   
I was about to scream when he noticed me. Then he smiled and started to wave at me. I didn't know why, but I felt the urge to wave back.   
"Hi! Shinji!" I said, in my cutest voice possible.   
I don't know why, but some times, some rare times, that baka seemed to make my heart race. It was crazy. He was a wimp. A stupid spineless jerk. Yet, there was something about him...   
And he was mine!   
I looked down at the First Children. The stupid girl didn't even realize it. But I had won. I was the one he had asked out. Not her.   
"You'll see, First Children." I thought. "I'll show you. I'll make sure you die of envy. Whatever you try to do, I'll beat you! I can't lose. You're only a stupid doll."   
I took one of her wrists, and dragged her to the pool. No way I would let her look at my Shinji any longer.   
"Don't stay right there, Wonder Girl! Race me if you dare!"   
Ayanami Rei. I will never lose to you!   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][3]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap3
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#kawaii
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Oishii



	5. Chapter 4 - Don't play with fire

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 4 - Don't play with fire   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on March 9th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on March 18th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on March 24th 1999   
Final draft finished on April 10th 1999, revised on May 13th 1999   
Final revisions on March 7th 2000 

(*) Click to reach translations notes   
(number) See the author's notes for details   
  


* * *

  
It was past two in the morning when I came back from Rei's apartment. While I doubted anyone would be awake, which the lack of light suggested, I removed my tie and jacket before entering. It would raise fewer questions if I were to bump into a sleepwalking Asuka.   
Trying to make as little noise as possible, I made my way to my room.   
"Shin... Shinji?"   
I froze. Asuka.   
I turned around and noticed that she was lying on a pile of sitting cushions. The way her eyes were half closed suggested I had just woken her up. Damn! I quickly went to my room, threw the tie and jacket in, then proceeded to see what she wanted.   
"What are you doing sleeping in the living room?" I asked, seeing she had not fallen back to sleep.   
"Waiting for you of course! What do you think you are doing, coming home so late? What time is it anyway?"   
"Around two in the morning..."   
"Mein Gott! [(*)][3] Two in the morning! Where were you all night?"   
I really didn't want to have this conversation right now. In fact, I didn't want to talk to her at all.   
"At Touji's place of course! Why do you ask? You're not my guardian!"   
Asuka seemed taken aback by my sudden outburst. Then, her own temper flared up.   
"Anta baka?! [(*)][4] We're going on a date tomorrow, unless you've forgotten, you jerk! So I've every right to be worried even if you don't seem to care!"   
Now, it was my turn to be surprised. She had tried to stay up all night because she had been worried about our date. She had waited for me... This wasn't the self-centered Asuka I knew. Maybe aliens had come and abducted her, then replaced her with a fake. Quite unlikely. Still, I couldn't help but to soften, even if I wished nothing else but to stay angry with her.   
"I'm sorry I made you worry. I'll try and make up for it tomorrow."   
Baka! What was I doing? Wouldn't it have been better for everyone to just let her be angry with me? She might have even cancelled the stupid date.   
Asuka seemed to calm down herself. In fact, she was smiling slightly. Then that smile turned into a grin.   
"I'll make sure you do, Ikari."   
She gave me a predatory look. I couldn't help but to shudder in fear.   
"So, what are your plans, Third Children?"   
This time, it was my time to grin.   
"It's a secret. See you tomorrow morning..."   
Rapidly, I sneaked away, while Asuka's temper got out of control again.   
"A secret? A secret! You... You... Baka!!!"   
  


- - -

I groaned when I heard my alarm clock. I would probably have been tempted to throw it at a wall, if I had been able to find it. Eventually, I stirred out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. Not fully awake yet, I crashed into something. The fact that my face was now embedded into something round and soft had been enough to ring a thousand alarm bells in my head. I was suddenly quite awake and realized I had sandwiched my nose right between Misato's breasts.   
I must have fainted because the next thing I saw was a blurry image of Misato's face and I was lying on the floor.   
"You didn't drink something from the wrong side of the fridge again, did you, Shinji?"   
I managed to get up.   
"No. Just didn't sleep well. Sorry..."   
Misato smiled.   
"It's ok. So, how did it go?"   
She probably read the answer on my face before I even talked.   
"Perfectly, almost as if it had been a dream."   
"Well, well, that must have been cute. So, ready for round two?"   
"I guess..."   
I didn't sound very thrilled. Misato no doubt sensed it.   
"Chosen already?"   
I smiled.   
"Quite likely."   
She nodded.   
"I understand. But still, have fun!"   
"I'll do my best." I answered, not really convinced.   
But I couldn't help to think about that date any other way than a chore that needed to be dealt with.   
  


- - -

I had everything ready when Asuka finally decided to show up in the wakened world.   
"Guten Morgen!" [(*)][5]   
"'morning, Asuka."   
"So, tell me, what should I wear for our date?"   
While I wasn't that eager about this day, Asuka seemed rather happy right now.   
"Keep it simple. Something comfortable. One of your school uniforms maybe. Or that nice yellow sundress of yours. Just make sure you have good shoes."   
"My school uniform? Shoes? On what kind of stupid date are you planning to take me?"   
I bent down and raised a picnic basket right under her nose.   
"A picnic in the nicest place there is around here. It's a few hours of walk from here, however..."   
"A picnic? That's pathetic!"   
"What, would you have preferred staying closed between four metal walls? You never got out of Tokyo-3, except for that volcano operation. Don't you think it's time for some fresh air? Or maybe it's just that you fear you can't handle a little hike..."   
This had the desired effect. Nothing like using that German pride of hers to get what you want.   
"Afraid? Me? I'll let you know I am not not in pathetic shape like those other girls. You'd be dead of exhaustion and I could still keep going and going, and going..."   
"So, you're gonna prove me wrong?" I said, handing her the basket.   
"You can bet on it!"   
I couldn't help but to smile.   
"Great! Get ready then, we're leaving in twenty minutes!"   
"Twenty minutes! I can't get ready in twenty minutes! I have to dress, eat, take a bath..."   
"Half an hour then!"   
"Do you want your date to smell bad?"   
I sighed.   
"All right, all right... we'll leave in an hour then. But don't complain, if we eat lunch late..."   
"I'll be ready before you know it."   
Somehow, I doubted it. Why couldn't she be more like Rei?   
"And don't peep while I'm in the bath!"   
  


- - -

"Are we getting there yet?"   
"Soon."   
We had been walking for a few hours now. Up in the sky, the sun was shining brightly. So far it had been a marvellous day. Perfect for a picnic. And maybe some other things. I now actually felt good about the date. It might be pleasing after all.   
Maybe I would take Rei on a similar date later.   
"Hey! Shinji! You haven't told me. The food is all supposed to be in this basket, right? So what's with the bag?"   
Asuka was pointing to a backpack I was carrying.   
"Just some stuff..."   
"Some stuff! Don't give me that kind of answer, baka! I can guess there's stuff in it! What I want to know is what is that stuff!"   
I smiled.   
"You'll find out..."   
"Why you...!"   
"We're here. Look!"   
With a finger, I pointed a small lake not too far, close to the edge of a forest.   
"Shinji! It's so beautiful! How come you know this place?"   
"I had some problems once... after the battle with the Fourth Angel..."   
Asuka nodded. I knew she had read my psychological, historical and battle profiles before the time we first meet.   
"I ran away and wandered around Tokyo-3 and the Geofront for a while. I happened to find this place. I couldn't help at the time but be fascinated by it. It took me a while to find it again, but I managed to do it weeks later. There wasn't much to do on week-ends before you showed up."   
A big grin appeared on her face.   
"So, my arrival changed your life?"   
"Yeah... Now I have twice as much laundry to do, and trash to pick up..."   
"Baka!"   
Asuka hit me on the head, but not with the strength she usually showed. She was smiling and I couldn't help but to smile back at her.   
It only took a few more minutes to reach the lake. For a while I gazed at it. This was truly the most beautiful place I knew.   
"Such a nice weather! And such a beautiful lake! You should have told me, I would have brought my swimsuit."   
For a few seconds, I looked for something in my backpack and drew out the said swimsuit.   
"That's my...! Wait a minute... What are you doing with that?"   
"Well... I didn't want to ruin the surprise... Sorry, sorry..."   
She put her fist under my nose.   
"That's not what I mean! You pervert! You looked through my clothes!"   
I took a few steps back.   
"I didn't, I swear! I asked Misato! She's a girl, you're a girl... it's ok... isn't?"   
This seemed to satisfy her... A bit. For a short time, I wondered if I should add that I was the one who usually did all our laundry. And in due course, I had seen all of her clothes before. Even her unmentionables. But since she had calmed down, I decided against it. Besides, it didn't seem like something wise to say. I might have ended up with some bruises. Although, it could also have saved me some laundry in the future.   
"I guess..."   
Then she seemed to realize something.   
"Where am I supposed to change?"   
She gave me a deadly glare.   
"So that's what you had planned all along! You took me here, in a secluded place, just so that you can see me change right under your nose. You pervert! What's next, taking advantage of my young and beautiful body?"   
I hadn't thought about that, but now that she mentioned it... No! I tried to ignore those last thoughts. But Asuka noticed the increasing blush on my face.   
"You... you... Don't tell me I'm right? You really are a pervert!"   
I shook my head. She was the one who put that idea into my head!   
"No! I swear!" I pointed the edge of a forest nearby. "You can go there and change! I never thought about doing anything to you!"   
Asuka suddenly seemed somewhat disappointed.   
"I should have known..."   
Damn! Did she really expect me to think about her in that way? Did she actually want me to think about her in that way?   
This was quite an awkward situation. Yet I managed to smile. It would probably hurt, but if it would make her happy...   
"Of course I wouldn't mind if you'd change here..."   
"Baka!"   
Again, Asuka hit me on the head, this time at full strength, but a smile on her face. Then she stormed toward the forest.   
She quickly came back, wearing only her shoes and bikini swimsuit. I had a hard time trying not to stare at her. She may have been only fourteen, but she still had a very nice body.   
"Like what you see?"   
I nodded. She smiled then threw her clothes on my face.   
"Don't stare like that, you pervert! And now strip out of those clothes!"   
"What?!"   
I had expected this, so I was already wearing my swimsuit under my clothes, but that didn't mean I couldn't play a bit with her...   
"You heard me! Take those clothes off! You really don't think I'll go swim alone, do you? Sorry if I blew away your plans, but you won't sit there all afternoon just to stare at beautiful me!"   
I took the time to fold her clothes correctly, then proceeded to unbutton my shirt.   
"I don't mind. But I'm not wearing any underwear, so I hope you don't mind seeing me in the nude."   
Asuka's eyes went wide.   
"Mein Gott! Stop that! I changed my mind! Just... Just stay there you... you... pervert!"   
I had a hard time not to laugh.   
I continued to slowly remove my clothes. Asuka now had her eyes closed and was mumbling something about guys being all perverts.   
"Well, that's what you wanted all along, so go ahead, take a peek!"   
"Why would I want to see you naked! You're just a skinny little boy! Touji maybe, he's better built than you... Kaji surely... Anta baka! Look at what you're making me say!"   
By that time, her eyes were fully opened.   
"Look who is a pervert."   
Asuka's cheeks burned with embarrassment. Then with anger.   
"You little..."   
"Serves you right for constantly calling me 'baka'."   
Asuka's mouth just froze, words lost somewhere. Then her face softened.   
"I don't know why, but you've changed somehow Shinji. You're not all that wimpy after all. I like that."   
Then she winked at me and with a sign, told me to follow her to the lake.   
  


- - -

For almost an hour, we acted as if we were kids, without worrying about EVAs or Angels, playing in the water and splashing the other around. Asuka even tried to teach me how to swim... with more or less success. [(1)][6] I must admit, it had been quite an enjoyable moment. And I had been surprised to realize I had not even given a thought about Rei.   
When we came back on land, I grabbed two towels from my backpack and we dried ourselves. Then, I got dressed, while Asuka decided to take the opportunity to catch some sun.   
"Hungry?" I asked, getting a bento box out from the picnic basket.   
"You bet!" she replied, grabbing the box with a ravenous look.   
She started to gulp down the content of the box. Then, she stretched out her hand.   
"Drink."   
I gave her a bottle of juice. She drank half of it in one shot, then went back to her bento box. I had barely began eating when she was finished. Then, she let herself lie down.   
"Not bad. You're not the greatest cook around, but it's definitely more edible then Misato's... can we actually call her stuff cooking?"   
"Thanks... I guess. It's the first time you've commented on my cooking."   
"Well, like I said it's not that great, but I do like it."   
I couldn't help but to blush.   
"Geez. Doesn't take much to please you!"   
"Sorry."   
"What are you apologizing for? You're such an idiot..."   
"Sorry."   
She gave me the death glare, but gave up and simply lay down, closed her eyes and went back to her sunbathing. I finished my lunch, then put everything back into my backpack and picnic basket. Having nothing else to do, I couldn't help but to stare down at Asuka. She almost looked asleep. Her face seemed relaxed and I could see her regular breathing by the way her chest slowly moved up and down. It wasn't really something new, but I did have to admit she was beautiful. More than a match for Rei, actually.   
"It's not nice to stare, you know."   
"Sorry."   
I quickly turned my head away.   
"Well, I can't blame you. You're a boy so of course you can't help but be fascinated by my beauty," Asuka said as she got up, then leaning down so that I had my eyes just in front of her chest. "So? What do you prefer? My breasts? My perfect legs? My butt?"   
At that point, I was red as a tomato.   
"You're so easy to tease, you're almost no fun...!" she said finally, as she sat down.   
Then, a grin appeared on her face.   
"Hey! Shinji! Wanna kiss me?"   
"What?!"   
I had to fight the urge to run away. This wasn't good. This really wasn't good...   
"You heard me... I can tell from the way you're blushing."   
Damn!   
"But... but... but... why?"   
"I'm bored."   
She was bored? She seemed to be enjoying herself just a few minutes earlier.   
"You don't kiss a guy because you're bored!"   
She just gave me a wicked smile.   
"Maybe it's just an excuse. Maybe I just feel like it. But you're right. Who'd want to kiss a wimp like you anyway?"   
I almost didn't resist the temptation of telling her Rei already had.   
"I'm no wimp!"   
"Then show me!"   
"I'll show you all right!"   
A week ago, it could have been quite an embarrassing and awkward moment. But my experience with Rei had changed that. I knew what I had to do.   
I didn't really stop to think about what I was doing. I was just tired of being called names and wanted to shut her up once and for all. So before I really realized it myself, I had my arm around her and my lips on hers.   
I must admit, it had been quite different than with Rei. After all, this time, I had been the one to initiate the kiss. I guess it must have surprised her, because the instant our lips met, all the muscles in her body went rigid. Asuka didn't react at all for a few seconds. Had it not been for the sudden increase of her heartbeat, I might have thought she was dead. Then she went completely limp and her trembling lips finally accepted the kiss.   
I should have stopped at that point. Part of me was feeling miserable. I was, after all, basically betraying my feelings for Rei. However, guilt was silenced by the pleasure I felt in the growing intimacy of the kiss and the arousing feeling of her barely covered body under my hands.   
Then, without warning, Asuka broke the kiss, freed herself of my embrace and quickly stood up. Her face showed shock and surprise, then slowly, her expression changed to anger.   
"How... how... how dare you!"   
I stood up myself, suddenly feeling a surge of anger similar to hers.   
"You asked ME to kiss YOU!"   
"You weren't supposed to! You're wimpy little Shinji! You don't kiss girls!"   
"Maybe you don't know me as well as you think!"   
Asuka furiously shook her head.   
"No, no, no... it's something else... must be something else..."   
Asuka then sudden froze, realization hitting her.   
"You... you... you knew! You knew exactly what you were doing... like... like you had done it before. But it's not possible... not possible... unless... oh, that bitch! You kissed that doll!"   
My anger rose equally to hers. This time, she had gone too far!   
"Rei is not a doll, and even less a bitch! Don't you dare say anything like that again! As for what I do with her... it's none of your business!"   
Her face went blank. Totally blank. For a few seconds, her eyes seemed completely lifeless. Then the tears came, and with them, a sad vulnerable look that almost tore my heart in half. What I felt at that moment was more painful then the slap I received mere moments later.   
"You bastard!"   
Then, she ran. I stood there, not knowing what to do, rubbing the cheek she had just hit.   
She was almost out of sight when I finally decided to run after her. I couldn't leave her alone, not in that state of mind. I had to repair the mistake I had just done. I had to. Not only for her sake, but also for mine. Because, I realized, her pain was unbearable to see.   
I ran as fast as I could.   
  


- - -

We ran for a long time. Often, I almost lost her. Asuka was clearly in better shape than me, for I had trouble keeping up with her. In fact, at times, I was only able to find her due to sheer good luck. Still, I managed to follow until she decided to stop. We were _somewhere_ deep in the forest now and I realized we were, most certainly, lost. I doubted if I could find my way back to the lake, and I was sure Asuka had not really tried to remember the path she had took.   
I was nearly exhausted when I caught up with her. She was sitting under a tree, tired herself. Her hair was a mess and I couldn't help but notice she had several cuts and bruises under the soles of her feet. She didn't move until I tried to approach her.   
"Go away..."   
Her voice had barely been stronger then a whisper. It got definitely louder as I continued, as if I hadn't heard her.   
"Go away!"   
I continued to ignore her.   
"You're hurt, Asuka..."   
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"   
What stopped me was the look on her face, rather than the words. I had seen her angry before. I had seen her mad before. I had seen her sad before. But this... It was a look of pure hatred.   
"I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Go away!"   
This said, she pulled her legs up to her chest, let her chin rest on her knees and then closed her eyes.   
"Leave me alone... just... leave me alone..."   
This time, she had said the words between sobs.   
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how. I wanted to apologize, but I didn't dare talk. So I did the only think I could think of. I sat down against a tree.   
I would wait.   
I least I had not ran away.   
  


- - -

"Someone! Help!"   
No answer. I wasn't quite surprised. It had been several hours since I had called for help the first time. Somehow, it seemed that in our race we had lost not only our way but also NERV Security. I used to find it annoying to know that they were always following us everywhere. Now, I only wished they were here. The sun had now almost disappeared and with it my chances of finding my way home. But I had not managed to resolve myself to leave Asuka alone. And I doubted I could have convinced her to come along.   
So I did the only thing I could do.   
I sat down and waited longer.   
  


- - -

"Cold."   
While it hadn't been said out loud, this single word startled me. It was the first Asuka had spoken in hours.   
"I'm cold and thirsty and hungry..."   
If the situation had not been as bad as his one, I would have been happy to hear her voice again. But right now, I could understand what she meant. I was hungry myself, enough for my stomach to actually hurt, my last meal dating several hours back, and quite thirsty myself. And I had to admit that without a jacket, it wasn't really hot out here at night. If you considered the fact that Asuka was only dressed in a bikini swimsuit....   
There wasn't much I could do about the hunger. But at least I could help with the cold.   
I stood up and started to unbutton my shirt. This actually drew a curious look from Asuka. I wasn't sure that she would let me come close, so I made a ball out of the shirt and threw it at her, where it landed at her feet. It was a bit colder now only wearing a T-shirt but it wasn't really something I couldn't manage. Although I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't catch a cold.   
"You don't expect me to put this on, do you?"   
I nodded.   
"Take it back. I don't want your help."   
"Either you put that shirt on or I'll put it on you myself."   
The redhead gave me a disgusted look.   
"You wouldn't have the guts to even try."   
I snapped. It wasn't really surprising. The tension had been building up for a few hours now.   
Before both of us realized it, I was holding one of her arms and forcing it's way into one of the shirt sleeves. Asuka started to struggle but somehow I managed to keep control, most probably because she was still sitting while I could use all my strength. It took some time, but I managed to actually get her into the shirt. Then, she tried to remove it. But I ended her efforts by taking her into my arms as tightly as I could.   
"Let me go!"   
"Not until you calm down!"   
Asuka started to squirm some more. I barely managed to keep my hold on her.   
"Get your filthy hands off me!"   
"I won't. Not until you stop acting like a child..."   
This just seemed to make her even angrier.   
"I'm not acting like a child!"   
"You are. If you weren't, I wouldn't have had to use force to make you wear this. You would have realized you were cold and would have put it on your own."   
"It's yours!"   
I shook my head.   
"It's just a shirt, Asuka. Nothing more."   
"I don't want your help!"   
She was screaming now.   
"Doesn't matter."   
"It matters to me! I don't want your help! I don't want anybody's help! I can take care of myself! I've always have, and I always will! Why are you still here? Why don't you just leave me alone?"   
I wasn't sure what to say to that exactly. I wasn't really sure myself. No, that wasn't true. I knew why. I just didn't want to admit it. Because if I did, it would just make my life more complicated.   
"Because I care about you. I can't leave you when you're like this, especially if it's my fault."   
I was actually surprised I had said that. And I felt guilty as I suddenly thought of Rei. But it was the truth. I cared about them both.   
"You don't care! If you did, you wouldn't have kissed her!"   
"I only kissed Rei because I care about her as much as I care about you, Asuka."   
Not only did I care about them both, but I also realized that right now, I needed them both.   
"Cut that crap... you don't care about me... nobody does..."   
"This isn't true. I care about you. So does Misato."   
"It's a lie..."   
I released her from my hold. It would be the only way for her to trust me.   
"It's true. If you look into my eyes, you'll see it's true..."   
Realizing she was free to go, Asuka bounced forward and jumped to her feet. I was afraid she would run away again when she turned around and looked into my eyes like I had asked her to.   
"I care about you, Asuka."   
She just stood still a few seconds. Then tears started to slowly make their way down her cheeks.   
I couldn't help but to smile.   
"Come. Let's see if we can manage to keep you warm..."   
I invited her to sit right between my legs. In any other situation, it probably would have looked a bit too intimate for comfort. But this was not the case. Asuka seemed to think about it for a while, then a gust of wind made her shiver. Soon, she was back in my arms, sharing body heat with me, her head resting on my shoulder.   
"I'm sorry, Asuka. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted this day to be perfect. I wanted us to have fun as friends."   
"Only as friends?"   
I didn't answer right away. But I realized I didn't want to lie to her. The lies had hurt too much already.   
"Only as friends. I wanted you to enjoy yourself so that you could understand that we could be friends, even if I were to become Rei's boyfriend... I can't stand to see you hurt. And I don't want to hurt Rei, either. I guess I can forget about being anyone's boyfriend now. You can say it... I know I'm an idiot..."   
"You sure are..."   
For a while we didn't talk. We just stayed like that, close to one another.   
"You love her?"   
Asuka was obviously quite tired. Her voice was nothing like it usually was. It sounded a bit like Rei's actually.   
"I think I do."   
"Did she know about our date?"   
"She does, but she doesn't mind. She is amazingly confident I will choose her."   
"You've had sex with her?"   
I couldn't help but to blush.   
"No! Er... we could have... but we didn't.... I couldn't... not until I was sure I loved her more than you."   
"Will you have sex with her?"   
"No. At least, not unless things change."   
"Would you like to have sex with me?"   
If it was possible, I blushed even harder. What was with those questions anyway?   
"I think... I'd like to. But I can't."   
"I see. So you're going to play around with both of us until you decide, is that it?"   
"I'm sorry. I wish there was any other way."   
It was true. I didn't want any of us to be involved in that mess. But I couldn't help it.   
"You shouldn't play with fire, otherwise, you'll get burnt."   
"I know. All along I knew that dating you both was a stupid idea. But I did it anyway."   
"You know, you ruined my first kiss."   
I couldn't help but to gasp in shock.   
"What do you mean your first kiss?"   
"Exactly what I said."   
"But... but... it's not possible! I mean... a girl as cute as you... Surely a lot of guys asked you out!"   
"Just a bunch of pathetic little boys..."   
I couldn't help but to suddenly feel very bad.   
"I'm sorry..."   
Then I realized something.   
"But you're the one who asked for it! And you're the one who broke the kiss! From my point of view, it was quite nice before you did that..."   
"Better than with her?"   
I couldn't help but to grin at the thought that crossed my mind.   
"It's hard to say. You didn't give us the opportunity to get more serious."   
"Yeah, you wish!"   
"Sure I do."   
Asuka suddenly moved in my arms, so that she could actually look into my eyes. She looked strangely calm.   
"You really think I'd let you kiss me knowing you love another girl besides me?"   
"I'd understand if you didn't want to. But I hope you would."   
She rose an eyebrow.   
"What happened to my Shinji?"   
"I guess, he's gone for tonight."   
"Then, if you're not Shinji..."   
Her head came closer to mine. A second later, we were sharing a passionate kiss.   
  


- - -

"Well, what a cute couple. Tell me Shinji, am I too early or too late?"   
I slowly opened my eyes. At first, I thought I was dreaming. Kaji?   
"Is it really you, Kaji?"   
"In the flesh."   
I tried to temper my excitement. I didn't want to wake Asuka up. Although, she seemed to sleep so soundly in my arms, I wondered if waking her up was actually possible.   
"What are you doing here?"   
"Looking for you of course. Misato was worried about you, you know. And since we had discussed your dating plans, she naturally came to me for help."   
I almost regretted the fact that Asuka was asleep. Or else, she would have known that there were people who cared about her.   
"How did you find us?"   
"Pretty simple. I asked my contacts in Security. It took some convincing, but I finally got your location."   
"What?! They knew we were here?!"   
I realized I had yelled. Asuka seemed to mumble something about boys being loud, but didn't seem to wake up.   
"Yes. And I'm pretty sure they're watching right now."   
"Those bastards! Why didn't they come when I called for help?"   
"It would have been against their orders."   
I raised an eyebrow. While I was still mad, I gave Kaji an inquisitive look.   
"Orders?"   
"Yes. They were not to interfere in any way, unless your lives were threatened. They were only to observe."   
"Who gave that order?"   
I knew the answer to that question already. I knew only one man who could manipulate people like this. What I couldn't figure out was why.   
"Commander Ikari."   
"Why?"   
"I can only guess. The most logical reason would be to ensure that the relationship between you and Asuka has a chance to develop; and judging by the way you are holding her, I think his plan is working. If you were to fall in love with Asuka, then you would lose interest in Rei. That way, your father would have complete control over her like he used to."   
"The goddamn bastard!"   
All of my life I had hated the man who was my father for leaving me. Yet, I had never really resolved myself to hate him completely. Some part of me had always hoped we could get together, learn about each other and become a family once more. That part of me died that night. This time, Ikari Gendo had gone too far. I could accept being manipulated by him. I really didn't mind actually. That way, I didn't have to choose for myself what was my life. I just had to live it. It was easier. But what he had done now, trying to manipulate Rei and Asuka, trying to control the two people who mattered most to me... I couldn't forgive. I wouldn't forgive.   
Making sure I carefully picked Asuka up in my arms, I stood up.   
"We're tired, Kaji. Can you take us home?"   
Kaji gave me a worried look.   
"Are you sure you can carry her like that? I have a jeep nearby, but it's still a fifteen minute walk..."   
"She's heavy, but it's not a burden. I don't know... I don't feel as weak as I used to be. I should be fine. I need to do this. I need to show her that I care about her."   
Kaji smiled.   
"You've grown up, Ikari Shinji."   
"No, I'm still a kid. I've just decided not to run away anymore."   
"That's what I said. You're definitely a man now."   
Was I? I didn't think so. I still couldn't choose between Rei and Asuka. And I still had to face the Commander.   
  


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 5 - The more things change, the more they stay the same   
  
  


- - -

Omake: 

"Oh man! No new movies this week! This sucks!" said Kensuke.   
"Well, we haven't seen that movie yet..." replied Touji a grin on his face while pointing to a title in the list of films featured by the Tokyo-3 Movie Center.   
"It's a porn!"   
"I know!"   
Touji's smile just got wider. Kensuke began developing a big sweat drop.   
"It's a foreign movie! It's not even in Japanese!"   
"Who cares! What I'm interested in is not the story..."   
Kensuke had to repress a nosebleed.   
"They won't let us in, we're too young anyway..."   
"Damn! You're right..."   
Kensuke smiled in triumph.   
"Touji, you're really a pervert you know..."   
"Shaddup!"   
Suddenly, inspiration hit the taller boy.   
"I know, let's go see Ikari! With any luck, Misato will be there..."   
Touji started to drool at the thought.   
"Come on Touji, is THAT the only thing on your mind?"   
"Just try and say that you don't dream about her at night!"   
"Actually, I thought you dreamt about Hikari!"   
Kensuke grinned as Touji went white.   
"If my sources are accurate, I've heard you stayed late at her house after her birthday party..."   
"Hey! We only watched a movie!   
"A romantic one surely. So, what did you do? You put the moves on her? You kissed her? Or did you two make passionate love on the couch in front of the TV?"   
"Kensuke!"   
Kensuke would probably have laughed, if a fist had not almost broken a few of his teeth.   
"Shut up and get a move on! Ikari - and Misato - are waiting for us!"   
"Shinji-kun is not home. You won't find him there."   
This startled both boys. Turning around, they realized Rei had just exited the theater.   
"Ayanami!" said the boys in unison.   
"He is on a date with Sohryu right now."   
Touji smacked his forehead.   
"Damn! I forgot!"   
"What?" said Kensuke, shock readable on his face. "Shinji is dating the Demon and you didn't tell me? Worse, you knew and didn't stop him?"   
Touji just shrugged, then looked at Ayanami.   
"So... You know. How do you feel about it?"   
"I do not feel anything. I am not worried. He will choose me over her."   
"What? Does this mean he dates her, TOO?"   
Touji nodded.   
"Oh man! My sources are really getting lazy! How come I didn't know about this?"   
"Shinji didn't want the Demon to find out..." explained Touji.   
"Oh..."   
Both boys nodded. They could understand Shinji's desire to keep his double dating secret. If Sohryu were to find out...   
"So, Ayanami, what movie did you just see?" asked Kensuke.   
"That one."   
With a finger, Ayanami pointed to a title. Touji and Kensuke gasped when they saw it.   
"You watched THAT movie?"   
"How... how did you get in?"   
From a pocket, Ayanami drew out her NERV ID card.   
"Oh man! I want to be part of NERV, too. They have the guns, the EVAs, the cool IDs and the girls!"   
"You can try and apply for a job. However, you will be refused since you have not finished High School yet."   
Kensuke seemed almost ready to burst into tears.   
"Why did you watch that movie?" asked Touji, obviously curious to know why a girl would want to watch an adult movie.   
"To learn how to be a good mate for Shinji-kun."   
Both Kensuke and Touji gasped again. They were about to ask Ayanami a hundred questions about her relationship with their friend when they realized she was already a few good meters down the street.   
"That girl is strange." finally said Kensuke after Ayanami was out of sight.   
"Yeah... I envy Ikari. Just think about all the things they'll do together..."   
Touji was drooling again.   
"Come on, let's go to Ikari's apartment!" said Touji as he dragged Kensuke along.   
"But he's not there!"   
"How can we be sure unless we go and ask Misato?"   
Kensuke then understood what Touji had in mind.   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][7]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#MeinGott
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#AntaBaka
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#GutenMorgen
   [6]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note4_1
   [7]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap4



	6. Chapter 5 - The more things change, the ...

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 5 - The more things change, the more they stay the same   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on March 9th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on April 28th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on May 5th 1999   
Third pre-reader draft finished on May 8th 1999   
Final draft finished on May 20th 1999   
Final revisions on March 8th 2000 

(*) Click to reach translations notes   
  


* * *

Part 1: Changes

Project E   
Third Children Observation Report   
February 26th, 2016 

_Shinji hasn't left his room for four days now, only coming out for synch and harmonic tests, never saying a word, since that night he was lost outside Tokyo-3 with Asuka. I'm beginning to worry, both as his guardian and NERV officer. He only eats at night when he thinks everyone is sleeping. His mood appears darker than usual, and his synch ratio has dropped by nearly 20%. Even with tightened surveillance around the apartment, I'm afraid he may run away again.   
I tried to ask Asuka what's going on, but she refused to answer. While she had seemed as perturbed as Shinji when Kaji brought them home that night, she has since then resumed a more or less normal life, although she is apparently very worried about Shinji. I have also noted that she is more aggressive than ever towards Rei. I can guess why, but without knowing what happened between her and Shinji, I can't know for sure. The medical check I had asked Ritsuko to perform didn't reveal anything unusual, except the obvious injuries to her feet, and those are healing well. She was able to go to school today. I don't know why I asked for that check. Did I really believe Shinji could have done something to hurt Asuka?   
I'm really ashamed of myself. I should have trusted Shinji more than that. But it's my job. I must take precautions against any potential threat to my team._   
  


- - -

I awoke that morning with a firm resolution. Time to face reality again.   
Since that night in the woods, I had withdrawn from the others. With all that had happened, I couldn't bear to face Asuka and Rei. I loved them both. I had kissed them both.   
This was insane. Was it really possible to love two girls at the same time?   
I didn't know. I had spent numerous hours thinking about it. Without really finding any answer, other then the fact that my feelings for both of them were genuine.   
I loved Rei. I loved Asuka. And I needed them both.   
But I wasn't a fool. I knew it was unfair to both of them. I needed to choose one of them. But I couldn't resolve myself to do it. Not yet, anyway. However, I knew I couldn't wait forever. Because if I did, everyone involved would end up hurt. I, the most.   
What I could do now was to make sure no one interfered. I had spent the last four days thinking about it. Kaji's words were still fresh in my mind.   
_"If you were to fall in love with Asuka, then you would lose interest in Rei. That way, your father would have complete control over her as before."_   
Father... No! Commander Ikari.   
I could accept the thought of him using me. But not Rei and Asuka.   
I took some clothes lying on the ground, got dressed, then exited the darkness of my room to enter the real world.   
  


- - -

As I made my way to the Commander's office, I received several strange looks. For anyone to go to the Commander's office unannounced was probably quite irregular. I wasn't surprised to be looked at that way. Everyone at NERV was likely afraid of Ikari Gendo. I, most of all. But I managed to shove that fear aside. I had spent many hours preparing for what I was about to do. I wouldn't let a small detail like fear destroy all my plans. If needed, I could always behave like the man I hated the most. So, when I entered his office, my face bore the same usual expressionless mask that used to be Rei's trademark.   
If my visit was highly irregular, the Commander didn't seem to care, as he waited for me to reach his desk before speaking.   
"What are you doing here?"   
He had his usual icy demeanor. Because of the lack of light in the room, I could barely see his eyes through the tinted glasses. For once, it was a good thing.   
I tried to answer, but was almost overwhelmed by the fear I always felt when facing to him. It took a few long seconds to gather what little courage I still had and manage to put my thoughts into words.   
"I don't want you to interfere with our lives ever again."   
The Commander raised an eyebrow. Well, well, judging by this reaction, he was probably quite surprised. It was, after all, the first time I could see some expression on his face other then a smirk. This reaction chased away part of the fear that threaten to cloud my mind at any moment.   
"Is this a threat?" he asked.   
"It can become one."   
Again, the Commander raised an eyebrow. For some reason, I thought about a poker game. We were both keeping a neutral face, trying to hide what kind of cards we had, trying to see if the other was bluffing. I realized it wasn't that hard, I just had to avoid letting my anger and fears get the better of me. Because if it did, then he would have control.   
"You think you can threaten me?"   
"Of course I can. I am the only pilot of Unit-01. You need me to save your life. You know as well as I do that you don't have any spare pilots. And you also know that Rei and Asuka won't be able to fight alone for long. That is, if I don't convince them to stop fighting for you at all. In this whole scenario... you are the only one who is useless."   
The Commander blinked, obviously shocked. So was I. I had thought about saying those words for a long time, but had I never imagined I could say them with so much conviction.   
But then again... it was the truth.   
"Are you saying that you'll refuse to pilot?"   
"Yes."   
"What makes you think I'd give in to your demands?"   
"You have no choice, unless you wish to be reduced to a bloody pulp in the hands of an EVA."   
I had hoped that the Commander would have reacted to those last words. That his face would have shown surprise or even anger. It didn't. Instead, he seemed amused, as that damn smirk appeared on his face.   
"Do you think you can threaten to kill me?"   
"What can you do to stop me? You need me. But don't worry, I don't intend on becoming a bastard like you. You should be safe."   
I just ignored him and turned my back to him. Although quite frankly, I was starting to break down. I couldn't keep the emotionless act much too long.   
"If you don't pilot, you will condemn mankind to death."   
I expected that.   
"You think that matters to me?" I retorted. And it didn't. What had humanity ever done for me?   
"If you don't pilot, you will condemn Rei and Sohryu to death."   
Damn! That hurt! I'd been expecting it and realized it was something he was likely to bring up, but it still hurt to actually hear it said. I kept myself under control, except for a small twitch on my cheek. Hopefully he was too far away to have seen it.   
"Better we all die living our own lives rather than live and be your or anyone else's pawns," I answered. And I truly believed in those words.   
The Commander remained silent. Well, if he didn't know what to say, I sure did.   
"One more thing: the living quarters assigned to Rei-chan are despicable. I expect her to move into the apartment next to ours."   
"Rei will stay where she is."   
I turned around and looked him in the eyes, then smiled.   
"Either she becomes my neighbor or she'll come live with me. Of course, we are a bit short of space and beds, so she'll have to sleep with me. I know she won't mind, since she was the one who came up with the idea in the first place..."   
I turned away before he had time to react.   
"Either way, you lose. It's up to you to decide what your loss will be. But understand this: none of us are your puppets anymore, including Rei."   
"You should forget about this idea of having a relationship with Rei. It can never work."   
I froze there.   
"What do you know? You should know already that it's going quite well."   
"Is it? Did Rei tell you her secret?"   
Again, I turned around to face him. The Commander was smirking.   
"Secret?"   
"Then this means you don't know. I thought so."   
"Know about what?"   
The Commander ignored my question.   
"Forget about Rei. This relationship is doomed to fail."   
"Shut up!"   
"You are just running away from reality again."   
"What reality? Yours?"   
"Yes."   
Damn old bastard!   
"Enough of this nonsense! I've told you what I wanted, and you know the consequences of refusing me. And that is all what matters."   
Having said that, I left.   
I almost collapsed once I had passed the door. My heart was beating at a dangerously high rate, and I had trouble breathing. I had done it. I had confronted the man who used to be my father, and won. I couldn't quite believe it, but I was sure of it.   
"Rei... Asuka... Thank you..." I whispered.   
Without them, this confrontation would not have been possible. If they thought I was worthy to be loved, then maybe I was worth more than I thought...   
However, I couldn't help but think back about what the Commander had said. Was Rei really trying to hide something from me? Why did Rei seem so important to him?   
I tried to shove those ideas aside. Those were only the results of the Commander's efforts to manipulate me again. I would not fall for it.   
When I finally headed home, I had a broad smile on my face.   
  


- - -

It was still a few hours away from Asuka and Misato's return from school and work, so I had the apartment all to myself for a while. Well, almost. Pen-Pen was here to keep me company, I realized, as he stood before me, a hungry look in his eyes. Poor Pen-Pen. Who knew what Misato had tried to feed him?   
"I'm sorry, Pen-Pen." I told him as I gave him a quickly made, but edible meal.   
Seeing the penguin obviously pleased, I decided to take a bath. It would help me think about what to do when my roommates returned... especially Asuka.   
I had not really been nice to them these last few days.   
I needed to find a way to apologize.   
  


- - -

I was startled by the sound of someone entering the apartment. I had not realized that the time had passed so fast. I exited the kitchen, still wearing an apron, to see Asuka standing at the entrance. When she saw me, she suddenly froze in place.   
For a long time, we looked into each other's eyes. Beside surprise, I had trouble telling what she was thinking.   
I smiled.   
"Welcome home, Asuka-chan."   
It felt like the thing to say. Seeing her made me feel so good. Even though I had been with her and Rei for harmonic tests, it didn't feel the same as it used to. We didn't exchange words. Lost in thoughts, I had barely acknowledged their presence. I didn't want to. But now I could. My problems were not solved, but I had understood that hiding away from them would never solve anything. It was a big step toward an answer.   
"Shin... Shinji... Shinji!"   
Her school bag fell on the floor. The next thing I knew, I was squeezed by a hard hug.   
"Shinji..."   
"Asuka..."   
It felt weird having her head against my shoulder. I had not really noticed that night, when she had fell asleep in my arms, because of the unusual situation we had been in. But now... being like this, in our home, on a day like any other... it actually felt good.   
I surprised myself by returning her hug as best as I could, since my arms were stuck against my body by her powerful hold.   
"For a while, I thought you didn't want to talk to me, that you wanted to avoid me..."   
She almost sounded like she was about to cry. I really felt bad about that. I shouldn't have shut them out of my life as I had.   
"I'm sorry. I just needed some time to think. But I didn't deliberately avoid you..."   
"Shinji..."   
Then for a second time, the door opened.   
"I'm ho..."   
The words died in the Major's mouth the instant she noticed us... and the way we were holding each other. By instinct, I released the small hold I had on Asuka. The redhead seemed to have the same reflex as me.   
"Misato-san, it's not what you..."   
My excuses were cut by a slap.   
"You pervert! Don't you dare hug me like that ever again!"   
This said, Asuka stomped to her room. I stayed there, confused. One instant, she was hugging me, the other she was calling me a pervert. Why were girls so hard to understand?   
At least, she didn't hit me too hard. Either I was getting used to being slapped or it really didn't hurt.   
"So... you're back, I see." Misato said, recovering from the initial shock.   
"Seems so. You're back early yourself."   
"Well, I wanted to see if the rumors were true. Something about the pilot of Evangelion Unit-01 visiting the Commander unannounced..."   
"Oh..."   
Misato gave me a curious look.   
"I see. What did you two talk about?"   
"I told him not ever to interfere with my life, or Asuka's or Rei's."   
Again, Misato looked surprised.   
"You... you said that... to him?"   
I nodded.   
"If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk further about it right now."   
"I understand, Shinji-kun."   
"Good. You know, Misato-san, to make up for my rude behavior of these past few days, I've prepared dinner. No instant stuff; just a nice home cooked meal."   
Asuka's door suddenly opened to reveal the Second Children, a hungry look on her face.   
"You've cooked dinner? Gott sei Dank! [(*)][3] Food! Real food! I honesty thought I'd die of starvation if you had continued to hide in your shell."   
I nodded. A second later, Asuka was already in the kitchen.   
"Humph... If she doesn't like my food, she can cook next time you're not cooking..."   
I suddenly realized Misato seemed slightly upset.   
"She just doesn't know how to appreciate your cooking..." I said to her, trying to cheer her up.   
Misato's face now showed a broad smile.   
"Yeah... you're probably right... Now, come on! Let's eat! It's been a while since the last time this family has eaten together."   
I was struck by those words. Family. Yes, Asuka and Misato were my family. Rei, too... And now, we were together again... This was my family. This was my home.   
  


- - -

We had barely finished dinner when a knock on the door interrupted our little private reunion.   
"Who could that be? Did one of you invite someone here?" asked the Major.   
Both Asuka and I shook our heads.   
Seeing that none of the female members of our group seemed intent on answering the door, I got up and went to see who had knocked. I was slightly surprised when opening the door revealed Rei. The blue haired girl seemed equally surprised. For a short time, we stood there, looking into each other's eyes, our cheeks growing redder with each passing moment.   
"Rei-chan..."   
"Shinji-kun..."   
I didn't really know what came over me, but I took her into my arms, like Asuka had done earlier with me.   
"It's so good to see you, Rei-chan..."   
"It is good to see you are feeling better, Shinji-kun..."   
Then, from the kitchen, we heard Misato's voice.   
"So, who is it Shinji?"   
Fearing that the Major, or worse, Asuka, might come and look for herself, I let go of Rei.   
"It's Rei-chan, Misato-san."   
"WHO?"   
Within an instant, Asuka was standing right behind me, a murderous look on her face.   
"What are YOU doing HERE?"   
Rei stayed indifferent to Asuka's obviously upset tone of voice. In fact, she seemed to barely notice Asuka at all.   
"I am here to see Major Katsuragi."   
The said Major appeared, having probably concluded that risks for property damage were likely not too high for now. But she did hold a new can of beer... most probably almost empty by now.   
"What can I do for you, Rei?"   
"I must inform you that my living quarters have been relocated."   
I barely managed not to look surprised. That was faster than I had expected.   
"How nice! About time you moved out of that dump. So, where will you live now?"   
"In the apartment next to this one. The Commander evaluated that it would be more convenient this way."   
How typical of the Commander to try and take credit for the idea.   
"WHAT!" shouted Asuka. "Haven't you invaded my life enough as it is already? I see you at school, I see you at work... don't tell me I'll see you here also?"   
Misato put her hand on one of Asuka's shoulders.   
"She won't be living here, Asuka. Just next door..."   
"I just know she'll spend her time here, trying to seduce my Shinji!"   
"Now, now..."   
This was bad. Better try to change the subject.   
"Care to show us around your new apartment, Rei-chan?" I asked.   
"Yeah! Great idea Shinji! Let's take a look!"   
I didn't like Misato's sudden burst of enthusiasm. She was hiding something. I could tell that her brain was working on putting together some kind of scheme.   
"Follow me." Rei said simply, as she invited us to go with her.   
  


- - -

"This place is bigger than ours! How come?" asked a surprised Asuka.   
"Actually, I think it's the same size as ours," I corrected her, "except it's less crowded with people and stuff."   
Rei's apartment did look like ours. But this one was nearly empty, and the thick layer of dust indicated that it hadn't been occupied for a long time. Actually, as far as I could recall, nobody had ever lived here.   
"I think our apartment looked like this when I first got here. I remember I had to buy some extra furniture. Feels like ages ago now." explained Misato.   
Furniture was indeed scarce. A low table and a single sitting cushion in the living room. Two chairs and a table in the kitchen with the fridge and stove. If Rei hadn't been alone, this would have been barely enough.   
"It's not fair! We have to fight for the bathroom and Wonder Girl here will have a huge one all to herself!"   
"I could arrange to have you share this apartment with Rei, if you like," suggested Misato, with a mischievous smile on her face.   
So that was her plan! She wanted Asuka to come live with Rei. It was a tempting idea. After all, our own apartment was a bit small for the three of us. Four, if we counted Pen-Pen. However, I doubted Asuka would ever agree to that. Besides, even though she would be right next door, I was sure I would miss her annoying presence.   
"What?! No way will I share an apartment with her!"   
"Shinji-kun could share this apartment with me," proposed Rei.   
For a few seconds, a deathly silence filled the room, however, an explosion quickly followed.   
"WHAT? What did you say?"   
"Shinji-kun could share this apartment with me."   
"No way! Never! Over my dead body! I'd rather live here than let him sleep under the same roof as you!"   
"Then it's a deal!" concluded Misato.   
"What?" shouted the redhead.   
She was obviously more surprised then I. Rei stayed indifferent. Misato had a huge grin on her face.   
"You're not serious, are you?"   
"It would be a great opportunity for you two to learn to work as a team. Like you did with Shinji."   
I, personally, wasn't sure this would be such a good idea. As I recalled our initial synchronization training, I could also remember how close that first week had come to being a disaster. If I considered Asuka's feelings for Rei... the odds were all against them. They could never become good roommates.   
"But... but... no way I'm staying with her! And don't you dare order me to live with her!"   
"I wouldn't do that. Too bad. That would have been such an excellent opportunity..."   
"For you to kick me out?! Just admit it, you don't want me living with you."   
"No, no, Asuka," said Misato with a reassuring smile. "You're always the one who complains about how small our apartment is. I just offered you an opportunity to live in a... roomier... place, that's all. I'd never throw you out. I care too much to do that."   
"Really?" asked Asuka, with a mixture of surprise and joy.   
"Really."   
The Major then turned her attention to Rei.   
"Say, Rei? Will you need any help moving your belongings here?"   
"No. Everything is already here."   
"Already here?"   
Rei pointed toward two boxes in a corner, a little white box and a bigger brown one. I could guess what was in them. The bigger surely contained her clothes: socks, panties, bras, a swimsuit, and five school uniforms, all the same. Maybe also a pair of high heels. The other box probably contained the dress I had bought her. I couldn't help but smile in realizing how much she seemed to value it, since she had kept it in a different box.   
"That's all you have?"   
"Yes."   
I confirmed this with a nod.   
"Hum... you know, Rei, you've got a salary now. Maybe you'd like to spend it a bit..."   
Rei looked a bit confused.   
"Spend it?"   
"You know... go shopping... buy a thing or two... maybe something else to wear than those school uniforms. I know! Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm on night shift! Let's go shopping together!"   
Rei looked at me. I nodded my approval to the idea. Although I found the idea a bit scary. Misato helping Rei choose what to wear... However, she had done a good job with her evening dress.   
"Very well then, we can go."   
"Great! I haven't had the opportunity for a good shopping spree in ages! Of course, I won't be the one buying..."   
"You never ask me to go shopping with you!" said Asuka, obviously feeling neglected.   
"You don't need me to."   
Illumination seemed to hit the redhead.   
"Yeah... Yeah! You're right! I am mature enough to take care of my own shopping without a babysitter!"   
This didn't seem to bother Rei at all.   
"Feel free to join us, if you wish."   
"Me? Go shopping with her? No way. I'll stay here with my dear Shinji."   
Somehow, the thought of spending an entire afternoon alone with Asuka suddenly felt scary. Besides, I had plans already.   
"Actually, I was supposed to go to Touji's..."   
"I said you'd stay here with me, Third Children! Don't you forget you still owe me that 'perfect day' you talked about."   
I didn't dare object. I still felt guilty about the way our date had ended.   
"Alright... I'll call Touji..."   
"That settles it then," concluded Misato. "Tomorrow, I'll pick you up after school [(1)][4]. Is it fine with you, Rei?   
"It is fine."   
"Misato-san, you're... you're not going to drive... are you?" I asked, fearing the worse.   
"Of course. Why?"   
I shuddered at the thought.   
"Rei, maybe you should reconsider... I don't want you to get sick... or worse... You know how her driving is..."   
"Shut up, Shinji!"   
Misato gave me the Look. Quickly, I tried to find something to say that would draw her attention away.   
"Say, Rei. You haven't eaten yet, have you?"   
"No. I did not have time yet to get anything to eat."   
"I still have some noodles and some rice cake left."   
"It would be fine. Thank you, Shinji-kun."   
Of course, Asuka didn't miss this opportunity to again express her opinion about Rei's new situation.   
"See! See! I told you she'd impose herself on us! Now we have to feed her!"   
I gave Asuka an upset look.   
"I paid for that meal, remember? And I am the one who's invited her. Besides, you know I would do the same for you."   
"You would?"   
I nodded.   
"Then, I guess, it's ok... but after that, you go home, Wonder Girl!"   
"Very well."   
"Good!" agreed Asuka, a triumphant look on her face.   
  


- - -

Like she had said, Rei returned to her apartment once her meal was finished. Having nothing better to do, I worked on some of my homework for most of the night, until I was finally too tired and went to bed. I quickly fell asleep.   
That night, something woke me up. My eyes went wide open and my heart was beating like crazy. Was it a nightmare? I didn't think so. Something was wrong. I could feel it. Then I realized something on my back was moving. I was about to turn around, when I was suddenly wrapped by an arm. Startled, I turned around and pushed the intruder off my bed.   
Then, the intruder stood up. I was surprised to realize I was looking at Rei.   
A very naked Rei. Who had been in my bed a few seconds earlier...   
"Rei... Rei-chan..."   
I tried not to stare, but my eyes always managed to come back to her body. Some part of my mind actually took note that Rei's hair was naturally blue, a fact I had not noticed the first time I had been in a similar position...   
My cheeks were probably crimson red by now.   
"Does this embarrass you?"   
I tried to answer, but seeing that my mouth didn't seem to work right, I nodded violently.   
She picked up a shirt that I had carelessly left on the floor, since it was destined to be washed anyway, and quickly put in on.   
"Is this better?"   
While her nice legs still showed, it did cover the most sensitive parts of her body. However, the way she had put it on, some skin still showed. I couldn't help but look at a spot right under her breasts where she had missed a button and where I could see her pale skin.   
"It certainly looks better on you than on me..."   
I was surprised to see her blush. That was strange considering she had no problem apparently going around in a boy's bedroom naked.   
"What... what do you want?"   
"I want to sleep with you."   
I gulped. Hard.   
Seeing my reaction, Rei giggled. I still wasn't used to see her have such reactions.   
"You are a naughty boy, Shinji-kun. I said 'sleep', not 'have sex'. Unless you want to..."   
"Well..."   
Rei silenced me with a finger.   
"I know..."   
I couldn't help but to feel quite reassured.   
"Why?"   
"I could not sleep," Rei answered simply.   
"You couldn't sleep?"   
She shook her head.   
"It is strange to live here. I feel out of place... and alone."   
I could understand how she felt. I used to feel the same way the first time I had slept under this ceiling. But now it wasn't unfamiliar anymore. It felt like home. And I now actually enjoyed its sight. And I hoped Rei would feel the same given time.   
"An unfamiliar ceiling. But you are wrong Rei-chan. You're not alone..." I said as I made room on one side of my bed, then invited her in.   
I didn't know if it was a good idea or not, but I knew I couldn't refuse her. Any fears I could have felt were washed away by the pleading look on her face.   
Whatever the consequences, I would deal with them later.   
Again, Rei laid right next to me. With the size of the bed, we had no choice but to be quite close to each other. We shared the same pillow, our faces inches from one another. It wasn't really surprising that we eventually found ourselves locked into a warm embrace, exchanging deep kisses. It didn't go further than that. I didn't even think about it. It felt so good being in Rei's arms; so warm, so comfortable. I didn't need anything more. I quickly fell into a deep and peaceful sleep...   
  


- - -

"Baka! Wake up! I'm hungry!"   
Slowly, the pounding on my door dragged me out of my peaceful slumber. One by one, my senses came online. As seconds passed, I became aware of a few things. My right arm was completely limp and was under something heavy. My left arm was holding something. Something big. Actually, it seemed I was holding someone. Tightly. This was confirmed when I realized I could feel the tickling sensation of someone's breathing on my skin, as well as something warm and moist on my neck. From that point, my eyes went wide open. Once I could actually focus, I realized I was looking at a blue haired girl.   
Rei?   
For a few seconds, I panicked. Then I remembered what had happened last night. Rei had slept with me. And apparently, she was still asleep. Amazing that all that noise Asuka was making didn't wake her up. But then again, her old apartment had been very noisy, so...   
Wait. Asuka. Pounding on my door.   
"Come on! I want breakfast! NOW!"   
Again I panicked, but this time, it was justified. Asuka was about to burst into my room, I just knew it. And if she were to find us like this...   
"I'm dead," I thought.   
My guess proved to be right, as Asuka finally got tired of waiting and opened my door. I knew it was too late, but I tried to hide Rei under a blanket. However, from the stunned expression on Asuka's face, it was clear she'd seen more than what she'd expected.   
Surprisingly, a few seconds passed and I was still alive. Asuka had not moved one inch. If I had been lucky enough, things might not have been too bad. That was not the case, as Rei chose that moment to finally wake up.   
"Good morning, Shinji."   
Asuka's eyes widened even more. I was surprised myself. It was the first time Rei had ever called me only Shinji...   
Then I was squeezed by a tight hug from the blue haired girl and before I realized it, she was giving me a very deep kiss. Had I not been frozen by fear, I would surely have enjoyed it. But my eyes were locked on Asuka who now looked ready to kill. Rei quickly sensed something was wrong. She didn't seem perturbed at all by the sight of Asuka.   
"You. You should leave. You are obviously disturbing Shinji."   
From that moment, Asuka lost any kind of control she had.   
"What is SHE doing HERE in your BED!"   
"It's... it's not what you think!"   
I was shocked to see Asuka lunged herself at Rei. She viciously grabbed Rei's hair and dragged her out of the bed and onto the floor, completely oblivious to Rei's screams of pain. I tried to say something, but I just couldn't talk.   
"Not what I think? Look at that whore! She's naked under that shirt! One of YOUR shirts!"   
"She couldn't sleep. She felt lost and alone... she just slept here, nothing more!" I finally managed to say as I tried to get up.   
Asuka answered by slapping me. Again.   
"Don't you dare lie to me! I'm not stupid! You damn bastard! You said..."   
Asuka didn't have the chance to finish what she was saying. She fell hard on the floor, the wind literally blown out of her. I stared in disbelief. Rei had just punched Asuka hard in the stomach. The blue haired girl glared at her, anger showing on her face.   
"You will not hurt me, or Shinji, ever again! I do not wish to fight you. But if I am forced to, you will regret it."   
Down on the floor, Asuka mumbled something totally incoherent. Rei didn't pay attention. Her eyes were focused on the bruise on my cheek. Very gently, she touched it.   
"Does it hurt?"   
"It's okay," I lied. My reaction to her touch convinced her otherwise.   
Slowly, Rei leaned toward me and kissed my hurt cheek.   
"It will be better soon. Let's go eat now."   
I couldn't help but to look at Asuka on the floor. Rei noticed.   
"There is no permanent damage. She will soon recover. We can leave her here."   
Trusting Rei, I followed her in the kitchen. Misato was waiting there, a worried look on her face that changed to a surprised one when she saw Rei. The Major scrutinized Rei from head to toe, then decided she needed another beer.   
"So, that's why it was so noisy a few minutes ago," she said as she took a new can from the fridge.   
A few seconds later, the can was empty.   
"Sorry," I apologized.   
"Can I ask, why you are dressed like that?" asked the Major.   
"Shinji did not feel comfortable with me sleeping nude."   
Misato looked even more surprised than she had been a few minutes earlier. But she regained her happy demeanor.   
"No wonder, if we consider that he used to complain about the way I dress in the apartment. You're definitely more indecent now than I've ever been," she said with a smile.   
"I see," said Rei simply and apparently unconcerned by her state of undress.   
Personally, I was feeling quite embarrassed and felt the need to give Misato a few more explanations.   
"Rei couldn't sleep in her new apartment. We only slept in the same room. Nothing more."   
Silently, I prayed that Rei wouldn't mention that we actually shared my bed. And with a lot of luck, Asuka wouldn't talk about that.   
"Umm... well, I guess then we'll have to include in our shopping list a pajama or something else you can wear when you sleep here. Although, it would be preferable that you try to get used to your new apartment. There's been enough trouble for now."   
"I agree."   
"Great! Now that this is settled... Shinji? Where's my breakfast?"   
Misato gave me the Look. I gulped. A few seconds later, I had my apron on and was fixing a quick meal. Eventually, Asuka showed up. She was very clearly still angry, but didn't say a word. I couldn't help but be afraid. If she kept control now, that meant she would start yelling at me the instant Rei and Misato left.   
What a day... and it had only barely begun....   
  


- - -

Surprisingly enough, the day had not been as bad as I expected. Asuka managed to calm down a lot once Rei had left our apartment to get ready for her day. By the time we were both ready to leave for the Saturday morning classes [(1)][5], Asuka was more or less back to her usual self, although she seemed intent on not talking to me for a while. Thankfully, Misato decided to see Rei so the two of them could have a little discussion, most likely about what had happened last night, so we walked to school without our new neighbor. We were half way to school when I finally decided to clear things up.   
"You know... I wasn't lying... nothing happened..."   
Asuka stopped. Realizing she wasn't at my side anymore, I turned around and looked at her. I had expected her to be angry again but she didn't. Actually, she looked strangely calm.   
"I know. I heard what you said to Misato. I guess I should have trusted you more."   
"Well, appearances weren't good..."   
"That's true. But still... I'm sorry."   
I couldn't help but to stare at her in disbelief. Asuka Sohryu Langley. Apologizing?   
"It's ok..." I only managed to say.   
That was enough to make her smile. She looked at her watch and realizing that we could be late, she grabbed my arm and dragged me all the way to school at high speed.   
  


- - -

We ate lunch alone, since Misato had picked up Rei right after school. After lunch, Asuka dragged me in front of the tv, where she introduced me to a new video game system she had apparently bought during my secluded period. Having nothing better to do, she handed me a joystick and proceeded to virtually beat the crap out of me through some fighting game. I guessed she was probably still a bit angry about last night, because she kept killing me in very bloody and painful looking ways. Once she actually got bored of killing me, we got out a bit, taking a walk to a park nearby, having really nothing else to do. We came back around two thirty in the afternoon to realize that Misato hadn't come back yet, which wasn't that surprising, since that wouldn't have given much time for Misato and Rei to shop. After all, girls always seemed to need several hours for that kind of stuff. Out of options, we reluctantly proceeded to do some of our homework. An hour later, I was tutoring Asuka kanji. We had been working for a while when our session was suddenly interrupted by the entrance of Misato. She had that silly grin on her face. I just knew she was about to ask for my help.   
"Hello you two. Had a good day?"   
"Oh yeah! A great day!"   
Asuka sounded a bit too enthusiastic. She probably didn't want to admit that she would have liked to have gone with Misato on that shopping trip. She had mentioned it a few times. Well, it was her fault. Misato had, after all, asked her if she wanted to tag along.   
"Say Shinji, can you do Rei and me a favor? We've left some packages in the car. Can you bring them to Rei's apartment? I'll be there with her unpacking her stuff..."   
Even if I would have liked to say no, I wouldn't have been able to. So I just nodded and took the key to her car she was handing me. Soon, we were all out of the apartment; Misato going to Rei's and Asuka strangely following me.   
"Why are you following me?"   
"Well, to help you of course!"   
That was weird. Asuka, wanting to help me? She never helped around the house. She only helped me from time to time with physics and maths because she needed my tutoring with the kanji she didn't know.   
"Are... are you feeling alright?"   
"Of course! Why do you ask?"   
"Well, you're suddenly nice and helpful..."   
"What? I'll have you know I can be nice sometimes, Third Children! I'm a very nice and helpful person! But if you don't want my help..."   
She was about to go when I took hold of her wrist.   
"Thank you, Asuka."   
Her temper suddenly went down and she was now slightly blushing.   
When we got to the car, I realized it was a blessing that Asuka had decided to help me. I couldn't believe how many boxes and bags Misato had managed to put in her car. Alone, I would never have been able to carry all of this.   
"Mein Gott! Did they buy the whole shopping mall?"   
Exactly my thought. I had been afraid of this. Misato had probably spent Rei's entire pay. And our next payday wasn't even close... I would need to have a talk with Rei about money and how to use it more wisely.   
I tried to give what seemed to be the lighter packages to Asuka, then took the rest. It was a very difficult task to carry everything back to Rei's apartment. Luckily, most of the stuff seemed to be clothing, so dropping one probably wouldn't be too much of a problem. At least, that was what I hoped. But I eventually managed to get everything upstairs without mishap.   
Upon entering Rei's apartment, I first noticed that Asuka seemed to be in a state of shock. Then I just dropped everything when I saw what had caused such a reaction.   
Rei was standing in the living room, an intrigued look on her face, probably wondering what was Asuka's problem. She was dressed in a simple combination of a very tight black pair of trousers and a black sweater. She also wore around her neck a long chain that went almost down her waist where laid a silver cross, most probably inspired by the cross Misato always wore. In short, we had a stunning Rei dressed in simple casual clothes.   
Having already seen Rei in an even more unusual outfit, at least for her, it didn't take me long to overcome the initial shock. Besides, I was now getting used to being surprised by Rei. Asuka on the other hand, was still out of this world.   
"That looks good on you, Rei-chan. I like it a lot," I complimented her.   
Rei blushed, while Misato beamed with joy and pride.   
"See Rei! I told you he'd like that! You really look cute in this outfit."   
"Very cute," I agreed.   
This proved to be a mistake as it was just what Asuka needed to get back to her senses.   
"Cute? You find her cute?"   
I froze under her angry glare. I only managed to nod.   
"Misato! How could you? Are you trying to make my life harder?"   
Misato wanted to answer, but was cut by Rei's words.   
"Why are you jealous?"   
"Jealous?! I wouldn't be jealous of you!"   
"But you are. You are jealous of my relationship with Shinji."   
"No way I'm jealous! Why would I care about this stupid jerk?"   
I couldn't help but feeling hurt by those words. All along, Asuka had given me the impression that she did care. Was it only my imagination, some wishful thinking?   
"Then you have no reason to object to our relationship. There is no reason why he could not be my boyfriend."   
"Never! I'll be dead when he becomes your boyfriend!"   
"Then you care."   
"I don't!"   
Asuka looked at Rei, then at me, with a confused expression on her face.   
"If you cannot be honest with him or even yourself, you do not deserve more attention than he would give to a mere friend. I love him, and I have told him. Have you done the same?"   
"Of course not!"   
"Then you have no claim. I am sure Shinji will appreciate that you do not interfere with us anymore."   
Asuka just stood there, at a loss for words. She looked at me. Her eyes seemed tortured, as if a great battle was raging inside her. She looked about to say something, but her lips just stopped and the next thing I knew, she was storming out of Rei's place. I was still looking at the door when Rei came close to me and hugged me from behind. Her chin rested on my shoulder.   
"You should not worry about her. If she cannot even say that she loves you, then she cannot be more than a friend."   
What Rei said made sense. And it would solve my problems. But why couldn't I be happy about it? Why did I feel hurt? Weren't Rei's words of love enough for me?   
As if she had read my mind, Rei held me tighter in a warm and comforting embrace.   
Maybe it was just best not to think about it for now.   
"I think we should order take-out. It wouldn't be a good idea to go eat next door," I just said.   
"Then that means I've got to cook tonight..." complained Misato as she left the apartment.   
Poor Asuka. It seemed things would get even worse for her.   
  


* * *

Part 2: Into the Darkness

Project E   
Third Children Observation Report   
February 29th, 2016 

_It's interesting to see how the recent events changed Shinji. Obviously, he now has a greater confidence in himself, most likely the result of his confrontation with the Commander and his relationship with both Asuka and Rei. While he is still the introvert type, you can feel a definite air of confidence in him. And this had impressive results on today's harmonic tests. Those literally skyrocketed, his results now being a whole 10 points higher then Asuka.   
I had my doubts at first. But now, I believe this situation can actually be beneficial. If only Asuka and Rei could learn to get along... Unfortunately, Asuka now seems to have switched roles with Shinji. She was obviously very shaken by the fact that Shinji has broken her record. And her war with Rei isn't helping.   
I'd really wish Shinji would settle his choice on one of them. And it's very selfish to say, but I almost hope it would be Asuka..._   
  


- - -

"Come on, Asuka... you can't still be angry at that? I didn't beat your record on purpose..."   
"That's what's annoying me! You didn't even try! You just did it like it was the most natural thing in the world!"   
I had hoped that a good night's sleep would have calmed Asuka. Obviously, it was not the case.   
"That was just luck. I'll probably score lower on the next test."   
"I don't want you to try and cheer me up!"   
"Then do not act this way," Rei said suddenly. "True, you have been beaten. It is now up to you to regain what you have lost."   
With all the argument, both Asuka and I had forgotten about Rei. She had kept silent until now. For a while, I almost believed she wasn't even listening, that she just sat there and ate breakfast as if she was alone in the kitchen.   
"You know, Rei-chan is right," I said myself, realizing Rei did indeed have a point. "You were our top pilot until now. Surely, all you need is to train a bit more and you'll beat me again in no time. You are, after all, the best EVA pilot we have."   
I noticed a quick frown on Rei's face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. She just kept eating her rice and toast without a word. I knew that she didn't completely agree with what I had said, but Dr. Akagi had once told me that our synch ratio depended on our will and mind only, that it was all mental and psychological. So, if Asuka truly believed she was indeed the best and worked hard to earn back that position, she just might succeed.   
"Maybe you're right... I am the best after all."   
She didn't look very convinced. Those last words lacked the usual strength that we used to feel in them.   
"You should eat before it gets cold," I told her, pointing at the untouched stack of pancakes right in front of her, trying to get her mind on something else.   
Without much spirit, Asuka cut up a small piece of pancake and put it in her mouth. Then her eyes lit up and she took another bite.   
"This is good! Wow, you've really outdone yourself today, Shinji! This is way better than your usual cooking!"   
Ravenously, the redhead started to wolf down her meal.   
"Actually, I didn't make them, Rei did. I taught her how to make those this morning. But you're right. They are delicious!"   
"Thank you," said a now slightly blushing Rei.   
Asuka almost choked on her last bite.   
"What? Wonder Girl made those? And you said you taught her how to make pancakes this morning?"   
I nodded. I suddenly wondered if I should have kept quiet about breakfast.   
"Why show her how to cook? She's not even eating her own damn pancakes!"   
"Well, I thought it would be nice if she knew how to cook a few things other then instant... and... well... she asked me."   
"Asked you?"   
"Yes. As his fiancee, it is only natural that I should know how to cook the meals Shinji likes."   
"Fiancee?" both Asuka and I shouted in perfect synchronization.   
"Yes. It should be a matter of time before we are engaged."   
This was something I had not expected. I had not even chosen yet one of them and Rei was already assuming that I'd ask her to marry me... and with the way Asuka was glaring at me... I probably looked as white as a ghost.   
Then, the phone rang. What perfect timing! Eagerly, I escaped this awkward situation to answer it. I almost regretted I did. Rei understood just by seeing the expression of worry on my face.   
"An Angel..."   
  


- - -

From inside the EVA entry plug, I could hear Misato through the comm system.   
"Asuka, Shinji, Rei, can you hear me?"   
We replied in chorus.   
"I've sent you all data on the target. At present time, we have nothing further. Approach with caution, observe its reaction, and, if possible, try to lure it outside the urban area."   
"All right, Major," Asuka said happily. "But don't you think that Shinji ought to take the point position?"   
"Huh?"   
That was odd. Asuka was declining the opportunity to lead us?   
"Well, it's only natural that we should be lead by the number one synchro-ratio holder, don't you think? Or have you no confidence, Shinji?"   
This time I could feel the teasing in her voice. I thought about replying, but decided against it at the last second. No need to make her already slightly depressed mood worse.   
"Alright. Asuka, Rei, back me up."   
"What the...?" shouted Asuka.   
"It was your idea Asuka. Too late now."   
"Damn! Unit-02 will back him up."   
"Unit-00 will back him up as well."   
  


- - -

Surely it was indeed an Angel. A weird one at that. Only a floating black and white sphere hovering above Tokyo-3. From my position I had a clear shot. No way I could miss it.   
"Rei, Asuka. Are you there yet?"   
"Not yet," was Rei's soft reply over the comm system.   
"Baka! You know an EVA can't move that fast!"   
Damn! I really didn't like this. I couldn't help thinking about the Fifth Angel. That one too had been a simple shape floating over Tokyo-3. It had nearly killed me and later Rei. Who could tell when this one would strike?   
"Aren't you here yet?" I asked more to myself than to the others.   
My finger was nervously playing with the trigger of Unit-01's weapon, something that could pass as a giant handgun. I really didn't like this. Really didn't...   
"Maybe I should just try and kill it myself..."   
Moving the EVA slightly out of its hiding place, I aimed its weapon toward it. However, I couldn't resolve myself to fire without Misato's order.   
"Damn..."   
If Asuka had been in my place, that things would probably dead by now... How did she managed to make such drastic decisions?   
I was about to fire when suddenly the target just... vanished. Then I heard Hyuga over the comm system.   
"Pattern blue. Angel detected directly beneath Unit-01."   
"What?"   
I looked down to see a black circle appear on the street just under Unit-01.   
"A... a shadow?"   
Then I was almost frozen by fear when I felt the EVA slowly sink into that thing.   
"Ah! What's this? What the hell is happening? My God! I'm... I'm sinking!"   
Panicking, I emptied the clip of my weapon into the target. With no result. The EVA kept sinking. I tried to move out of that trap, but the EVA's legs wouldn't move an inch. Whatever I was sinking into, it was just too thick to move...   
I could hear Misato and the girls screaming frantically over the comm.   
"Shinji-kun, run! Shinji-kun!"   
"Shinji!"   
"Baka! What are you doing?"   
I couldn't answer. I couldn't even think straight. I was just panicking, screaming for help. Now I couldn't move the EVA's arms either. Soon, the head would be swallowed as well. Then... what would happen to me?   
"Eject plug! Send the signal!"   
"No use. There's no response."   
"Misato-san! Misato-san!"   
Was this it? Would I... die?   
Afraid, I closed my eyes. I only opened them once I realized that I couldn't feel the EVA sinking anymore, nor hear anything but static over the comm system. Outside, the only thing I could see was a blinding white light that forced me to switch off the external cameras. None of the monitors could detect anything. It was as if I was floating in nothingness.   
"Am I dead?"   
My only answer came from the emergency battery monitor. The EVA had just lost all external power. Again, I panicked. But this time, I managed to think about my training. After losing some precious fifteen seconds of power, I switched to life-support-mode. Everything went suddenly dark and silent. There was nothing here now but me.   
I wasn't sure if I had done the right thing. I had a hard time fighting the urge to reactivate power. Life-support-mode implied being vulnerable, as Unit-01 wasn't protected by its AT Field anymore, not to mention that I couldn't detect any incoming adversaries. If something was out there, I was at its mercy. However, no doubt that if there was indeed something out there, it would have attacked already.   
"I'm really in trouble this time..."   
  


- - -

Inside the EVA, I waited. That was the only thing I could do. Wait. But what was I waiting for? To be rescued, or did I wait for my inevitable death?   
"I never thought doing nothing could be so exhausting."   
I knew, of course, that no one could hear me, but I needed to hear a voice, even if it was only mine.   
Briefly, I activated the EVA's monitors. Nothing. Not even noise. No answer whatsoever from the radar and sonar. I was tempted to activate the external cameras, but I knew I would only see white light.   
It had been twelve hours since I had switched to the life-support-mode. Which meant I only had four or five hours of power left. After that... my life would end.   
My stomach growled. How ironic. I was about to die and all that stupid body could think of was food. Like this wasn't torture enough.   
"This really sucks..."   
  


- - -

I woke up with a start. Maybe I just had a nightmare. In any case, I immediately panicked. The quality of the LCL was deteriorating, probably due to a decrease of the purification capacity. Breathing was harder. But the worst was the smell. Blood. The smell of blood. I almost choked at the thought of this liquid filling my lungs.   
"It smells in here! Blood, it smells like blood! I... I hate this place!"   
Scared, I tried to open the hatch of the entry plug. But to no avail, of course, since the plug was still in EVA.   
"Why can't I open this lock! Open! Let me out! Misato-san! Misato-san! Asuka! Rei!!"   
I was crying now. I just couldn't help it. I was helpless.   
"Ritusko-san... Father... Please, help me..."   
Pleading for my father's help. After all he'd done, all he'd tried to do. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop. I was so scared, so alone...   
Sometimes I disgust myself.   
I eventually calmed down, resigned to my fate, no strength left.   
"I'm gonna die..."   
  


- - -

I must have fallen asleep again. Surely, I must have, because, even after years to think back about that moment, this the only conclusion I can come to. I'm pretty sure this was all a dream. It must have been a dream. Either that or I came pretty close to losing my mind.   
I wasn't in the EVA entry plug anymore. I was sitting in a streetcar, heading toward some unknown destination. Facing me, I could see a young boy, maybe five years old. Shadows hid his face from me.   
"Who? Who are you?"   
The young boy leaned over toward me. I recognized the dark blue eyes. They were mine. But strangely, I wasn't scared. More reasons to think that this was probably just a dream.   
**"I am you."**   
"Me?"   
**"Yes, you. I am your hopes and dreams."**   
"Hopes? Dreams? I've forgotten what those words meant a long time ago."   
**"Because Father abandoned us? Is that reason enough to lose all hopes?"**   
"I'm bad. He never loved me. To him, I'm only a tool to use. I'm sure he never wished that I existed! Nobody ever did!"   
**"Mother loved us."**   
"Mother is gone!"   
**"Still, you are wrong. There are people who care for us."**   
Briefly, the faces of Rei, Asuka, Misato and Kaji appeared in my mind. Then those of Touji, Kensuke, Hikari.   
**"Our family and friends."**   
"They only do because there's no one else around. They just need a pilot! Sooner or later, they'll find someone better and leave me behind like Father did!"   
**"You are only deceiving yourself."**   
Briefly, I heard words in my mind.   
_"You've done something admirable today. You can be proud of yourself."_   
Misato had said that after my first battle inside EVA.   
_"Good work, Shinji."_   
Father had praised me after the destruction of the Tenth Angel.   
_"You've grown up, Ikari Shinji."_   
Words said by Kaji after my failed date with Asuka.   
**"Why would these people think we have value if we are useless like you seem to think?"**   
I didn't know what to say.   
**"Would a coward have stood proudly before Father?"**   
_"Better we all die living our own lives rather than live and be your or anyone else's pawns."_   
"..."   
**"What about Rei-chan and Asuka-chan? They care for us. They desire us."**   
_"Ikari. Do you want to become one with me?"_   
_"Would you like to have sex with me?"_   
I didn't know what to think.   
"I'll just hurt them..."   
_"LEAVE ME ALONE!"_   
I still could picture Asuka's tears in my mind. How long before I would make Rei cry too?   
"I'm just using them like Father uses everybody at NERV! I'm no better then him!"   
_"I see. So you're going to play around with both of us until you decide, is that it?"_   
Asuka was right. I was just a jerk.   
**"But they care for us. They love us."**   
_"Shinji belongs to me!"_   
_"I am still unsure of what love is. But, I believe I love Ikari-kun."_   
**"And we love them."**   
Yes. It was true. I did love them.   
**"They have full knowledge of our feelings. Yet, they don't seem to care whether they will be hurt or not by our decisions. Joy cannot exist without pain as light cannot exist without darkness."**   
_"If you don't pilot, you will condemn Rei and Sohryu to death."_   
Images of Rei and Asuka lying lifeless in a pool of blood flashed into my mind.   
**"You would hurt them more by leaving than by staying at their side."**   
Images of Rei and Asuka, in tears.   
**"Do you wish them to go through the same pain we did?"**   
Images of Father leaving me when I was a little boy.   
"No!"   
**"What's your wish then?"**   
"I don't want to die..."   
I barely whispered the words. But as they escaped my lips, I grasped the full meaning of those and understood that was what I really wanted.   
"I don't want to die."   
When I first arrived at NERV, I was on a path of self-destruction. I did not care about my life. I had often thought about death, but never really sought it because I lacked the courage to. Or at least, that's what I thought at the time. I realized, it didn't take courage to die, it takes courage to live, really live.   
"I don't want to die!"   
I didn't want to die alone in this empty place.   
"I don't want to die!"   
If I could at least hold Asuka and Rei one last time in my arms...   
"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"   
"I WANT TO LIVE!"   
**"Then, so it shall be."**   
For a brief moment, I felt enveloped by a comfortable heat and a strange feeling. A sensation... like... love?   
Then I felt a brief presence. Familiar.   
I can't remember anything beyond that point.   
  


- - -

I believe I woke up at the sound of the entry plug being opened. I'm not sure. My memories of those events are still blurred. When I opened my eyes, I saw a familiar shape.   
Mother?   
"Shinji-kun, Shinji-kun, Shinji-kun!"   
When my eyes managed to focus, I realized it was Misato. She was in tears.   
"Shinji-kun, are you okay? Shinji-kun!"   
"I just wanted to... see them... one last time..."   
Misato hugged me tightly. I think, I must have passed out at that point.   
  


- - -

When I woke up a second time, it was in a completely different place. One I was really starting to be familiar with. NERV infirmary.   
"I really hate that ceiling..."   
As I whispered those words, I noticed that my chest felt heavy. Then I realized that Rei's head was there. The girl had fallen asleep.   
"How long have you been there?" I asked, not expecting an answer, as I let my fingers run through the soft blue hair.   
This woke her up. First, she gave me a confused look, then realizing where she was, she grabbed me in a hug and kissed me fiercely. This was so unexpected I barely reacted. Then, she burst into tears. I was shocked; it was the first time I had ever seen Rei cry. I didn't know what to do. Almost instinctively, I held her tightly.   
"It's okay, Rei-chan. It's okay..."   
"Shinji! I was so worried! I thought I had lost you!"   
I recalled the dream, vision or whatever I experienced inside the EVA. So it was true. They did need me. Rei did truly love me.   
"It's okay Rei-chan. I'm here. You're in my arms now. I won't go away. I promise."   
This seemed to calm her, as her sobs subsided.   
"You do?"   
I nodded.   
As she left my arms, I couldn't help but noticed how she looked even more beautiful with a tearful expression on her lovely face. Then I noticed something strange. Her left cheek was badly bruised. Did she get hurt in the fight against the Angel?   
"Who... who killed the Angel?"   
She gave me a puzzled look.   
"You did."   
"I did?"   
"Yes. Your EVA went berserk again."   
That probably explained why I didn't remember a thing.   
"I will let you rest now..."   
She was about to leave when I spoke.   
"Thank you, Rei-chan, for watching over me."   
She smiled, then opened the door, to reveal an Asuka who had obviously been eavesdropping. Both girls exchanged a dark look for a while, until Rei was out of the room. Then Asuka looked at me and blushed.   
"Sorry..."   
The first thing I noticed was her black eye and large cut on her lower lip. This time I understood.   
"You two had a fight, didn't you?"   
Asuka's face went white.   
"I'll take that as a yes."   
"We were both worried, and I said things I shouldn't have said, and..."   
"It's okay."   
Asuka looked surprised in hearing that.   
"It is?"   
"As long as it's the last time you two fight, I guess, I can forgive you both. Now, why don't you come and hug me," I added with a broad smile.   
"In your dreams!"   
"Alright then. Leave, so that I can get to sleep right away. Don't want to miss that dream."   
Asuka gave me a curious look.   
"You sure that Angel didn't mess with your mind?"   
"Don't think so."   
"Well... I can't let the First have an advantage over me..."   
Awkwardly, Asuka got closer to my bed. We stared at each other for a whole minute. Then she took me in her arms.   
"I'm so glad you're alive!"   
"Believe me, I share the feeling..."   
  


- - -

It took the usual twenty-four hours before I was considered ready to leave the infirmary. I was really getting sick of all those tests.   
When I came back home, Misato wanted to throw another one of her parties to celebrate my return and victory over the Twelfth. I politely declined. I just wanted some peace. Asuka seemed to understand, as she barely yelled at me. It was surprising how fast her minor injuries had healed in one day.   
I went to bed early. Like I said, it's surprising how doing nothing can drain you.   
For a second time in less than a week, I was awakened in the middle of the night by someone crawling into my bed.   
"Rei-chan?" I groaned, still half asleep.   
"Wrong girl, you baka."   
That was enough to completely wake me up. Surely enough, once my eyes adjusted to the poor luminosity of the room, I saw two blue eyes surrounded by long red hair right in front of my nose.   
"A... Asuka!"   
For a second, I panicked and almost tried to run away, but Asuka seemed to anticipate my reaction by holding me tightly in place.   
"Don't be scared. I won't bite. Unless you ask me to..."   
I wasn't sure I liked the voracious grin on her face.   
"What are you doing here? Don't... don't tell me you couldn't sleep..."   
"I don't have such a convenient excuse. I just wanted to know how it felt..."   
She hugged me tightly, bringing our bodies against one another. I could clearly feel her breasts against my chest and the soft skin of her legs on mine. I couldn't help but begin to feel my lower regions react to her. Asuka either didn't notice or simply didn't care.   
"Feels warm..." she whispered in my ear.   
Her lips met mine. At that point, I really couldn't help but melt into her embrace. We exchanged a very long kiss. Then she whispered something else to me.   
"You know, Ayanami is wrong. I... I... I like you, Shinji."   
I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know what to think. So Asuka liked me after all... but what did it mean really? Did she like me as a friend? Or did she actually love me? But if she didn't love me, what was she doing here?   
My thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of light snoring coming from the girl. What do you know, she had fallen asleep.   
Carefully, I tried to free myself from her hug. I really didn't want to spend the whole night that close to her. Then I looked at her. She was so beautiful. Sleeping soundly and peacefully like this, you couldn't tell that this girl could be a real nuisance at times. I remembered the first time I had been in a similar position. I had almost kissed her. This time I didn't stop. Just a very light kiss, not enough to wake her up. Surprisingly, seconds later, she moaned my name. I couldn't describe how good that made me feel.   
I closed my eyes and tried myself to get to sleep, but to no avail. I just couldn't sleep with the knowledge that this girl was just lying in bed next to me. I may have been a clueless wimp, but I was still a boy. There was no way I couldn't have some ideas when looking at her nearly exposed breasts, not to mention feeling her body against mine. Just her smell was intoxicating.   
Strange that I didn't have similar thoughts with Rei a few nights ago.   
I sighed and looked at the ceiling. This would be a very long night...   
  
  


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 6 - Friends   
  
  


- - -

Omake   
  
  
- Scene 1 -   
  
Then, the phone rang. What perfect timing! Eagerly, I escaped this awkward situation to answer it. I almost regretted I did. Rei understood only by just seeing the expression of worry on my face.   
"An Angel..."   
I shook my head.   
"No. Godzilla. He's back!"   
  
  
Godzilla VS Evangelion   
Soon in a theater near you   
  
  
- Scene 2 -   
  
I went to bed early. Like I said, it's surprising how doing nothing can drain you.   
For a second time in less then a week, I was awakened in the middle of the night by someone crawling into my bed.   
"Rei-chan?" I groaned, still half asleep.   
"Not even close."   
That was enough to completely wake me up. Surely enough, once my eyes adjusted to the poor luminosity of the room, I saw two brown eyes complemented by shoulder length blond hair right in front of my nose.   
"R...Ritsuko-san!"   
  
(I'll leave the rest to your imagination)   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][5]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Gott_sei_Dank
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note5_1
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap5



	7. Chapter 6 - Friends

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 6 - Friends   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Assisted by [Darren Demaine][2]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][3]

Started on April 15th 1999   
First pre-reader draft, Part 1, revised on May 28th 1999   
First pre-reader draft, Part 2, revised on June 13th 1999   
First pre-reader draft, Part 3, finished on June 26th, revised on July 9th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on July 9th 1999   
Final draft finished on July 18th 1999   
Final revisions on March 10th 2000 

(*) Click to reach translations notes   
(number) See the author's notes for details 

**Warning! This chapter contains lime scented elements.**   
  


* * *

  
Part 1: The Trip

A month had passed since the Twelfth Angel's attack. Things had pretty much gotten back to normal. Well, as close to normal as my life could be, anyway. After some difficult moments, Asuka and Rei had managed to "solve" their differences in a civilized matter. Asuka could now do whatever she wanted with me on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, while I was Rei's on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I tried to object to the idea of having my life run by a schedule that I had no role in working out, especially since the possibility of freedom was only one day a week, Sunday. There was no way I could possibly stand long against _both_ of them, so I just accepted their arrangement. Besides, it wasn't really that bad. In fact, many of the guys at school envied my situation.   
Still, there were some changes. Asuka was now definitely nicer to me. She still called me 'baka' almost a hundred times a day, but she barely yelled any more. Most of the time, anyway. For her part, Rei had changed considerably. She was definitely more open to others now and, while not the extrovert type, she did show a bit more how she felt to the people around her. Her biggest improvement was the fact that she now actually had a friend outside of NERV, one of our classmates, a girl named Hotaru. Even with the recent changes, that girl seemed to be the only student of our class who didn't seem uncomfortable in Rei's presence. Well, beside me and Asuka to an extent. Even Touji and Kensuke didn't yet feel at ease around her. Maybe the closeness of the two new friends was due to the fact they were very much alike. Hotaru was a shy girl who had clearly no friend, like Rei months ago. Because of her frail complexion, her skin had the same porcelain qualities as Rei's. If her short hair had been blue instead of black, the two could have passed as sisters [(1)][4].   
As I looked at them happily eating lunch together, I couldn't help being proud of Rei. She had made a lot of progress in the last few weeks.   
"Shin-chan! We have to do something!"   
This sudden outburst from my red-headed companion dragged me from my thoughts.   
"Uh? What do you mean?"   
"Look at them!" she almost shouted, pointing at Touji in a corner of the school cafeteria, then Hikari a few seats away. "The way they try to ignore each other, even though they are madly attracted to each other, is driving me insane! We must help them! They too deserve to know the happiness and love we share!"   
Those last words got the attention of the entire student body. Not that there were many students in this school these days. Still, we couldn't help but blush under all those looks. I almost crawled under the table when I noticed Rei's burning glare. She could be really scary when she looked at you that way.   
"What are you all looking at?" shouted a suddenly angry Asuka.   
Scared of the red-headed fury, everyone decided to get back to whatever they were doing a few moments before.   
"Are you really sure she likes him?" I asked, trying to calm her down.   
"Sure! I asked her. I don't know why, but she has the biggest crush on that baka. Personally, I think she deserves better, but if she want him that bad..."   
"Hey! Touji's a nice guy!" I objected, wanting to defend my friend.   
"He's just a pervert like you!"   
Wide opening here...   
"I didn't know you liked perverts..."   
"I don't!"   
"Then we don't go out tonight like you had planned? You did call me a pervert a few seconds ago..."   
For a few seconds, Asuka didn't know what to say.   
"Fine, you're not a pervert. But he's still one."   
Well, there was no point in starting that argument all over, so I stayed quiet. Besides, I knew that deep down, Asuka probably didn't really think Touji was a pervert. She just needed to complain.   
"Okay, she likes him and I know that Touji has a little crush on her as well. So?"   
"So? We help them get together, of course!"   
"We? Why we?"   
"Because I've got a plan. And I need you to help me."   
"Me? I can't even solve the problems of my own love life!"   
"That's because you're too stupid to realize that Wonder Girl ain't a match for me!"   
I tried to ignore that last comment. Now was not the time for _that_ fight. Again.   
"So, what do you have in mind?" I asked, trying to change the subject.   
Asuka took some time to look around. Whatever she was looking for, she didn't really seem satisfied by what she saw. In a few seconds, she finished her meal, then grabbed me and dragged me out to a deserted classroom.   
"Less spying ears here," she explained, seeing my puzzled look.   
What was with the paranoia all of the sudden?   
"A camping trip," she then said flatly.   
"Uh?"   
"A camping trip. We will all go on a camping trip."   
"A camping trip?"   
How was that supposed to draw Touji and Hikari together?   
"Yes. You go with Touji. I go with Hikari. Then, by some twist of fate, we all meet at that lake you showed me on our first date. When night comes, you and I take the tent you were supposed to use with Touji, so he and Hikari will have no choice but to sleep together in the other tent. If Touji is like any other male, he will take that opportunity to put the moves on her. Perfect plan."   
I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that plan. It seemed... devious.   
"What if she doesn't want him to put the moves on her?"   
"Are you kidding? She's only waiting for that!"   
"She told you that?"   
All of the sudden, Asuka became quite embarrassed.   
"Well... no..."   
"You don't know, then!"   
"Of course I know! Remember when I spent a few days at her house? You should have heard her in her sleep, moaning that baka's name and..."   
She was almost crimson red now.   
"And what?"   
"I really can't tell you. You'd get a nosebleed..."   
Being a boy, I imagined quite a few scenarios. All of them with the potential of being hit by Asuka and called a pervert if I expressed them. Since my own cheeks suddenly turned red, Asuka seemed to guess what was crossing my mind.   
"Pervert!"   
"Ouch!" I complained, after being hit behind the head.   
Before I even realized it, I put my foot into my mouth. Again.   
"Like I'm sure you did nothing when you saw her!"   
"What!?"   
This time I was slapped.   
"You're really worse than Touji!"   
Before I could even think of a reply, she had stormed out of the room. Then, her head reappeared.   
"You'll come to the mall with me after school, we've got camping gear to buy. Try to control your hormones in the mean time."   
This said, she was out again.   
"That girl is a pain. Can't wait for tomorrow. It's safer with Rei."   
  


- - -

"A camping trip?" asked a dumbfounded Touji. "You're asking me to go camping with you?"   
"Well... yes."   
Oh, man... That wasn't going well. I just knew it, this was a bad idea. Why something so complicated? Why couldn't Asuka have thought about something simpler like going to the movies and having both of them sit together?   
"I dunno. It's more Kensuke's thing..."   
I knew it. He was trying to find a way out of this.   
"I asked him, but he said he couldn't. Something about a new Top Secret military project. Come on, it would be fun. Aren't you tired of Tokyo-3? I sure am."   
"Well..."   
Time for pleading, I guess.   
"Everything's ready! I don't want to go alone..."   
"Misato is letting you go? Just like that?"   
"She gave me some tracking devices to carry with me. NERV will know exactly where I'll be and they can get me to headquarters in around ten minutes. Besides, we'll be away only from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. I really doubt an Angel would choose that time to attack..."   
Well, at least that was what I hoped.   
"And what about your girlfriends? Aren't you owned by Asuka on Saturdays? Surely she won't let you got that easily..."   
"Hey! She doesn't own me! And they're not my girlfriends!"   
"Yeah, right..." said Touji, barely suppressing a chuckle.   
Damn, I really hated being reminded of my problems with the girls...   
"Asuka doesn't really mind."   
If he knew that was actually her idea... Maybe Touji was right. I really needed to stand up a bit more to Asuka...   
"Oh, alright... I'll go with you!"   
"Great! Trust me... you won't regret it!"   
Silently, I hoped this would be true...   
  


- - -

Once we got out of Tokyo-3, Touji seemed to relax a bit. Once we actually got to the lake, he seemed to actually be glad he had agreed to come with me.   
"You know, Shinji... this wasn't such a bad idea after all," said Touji, lost in contemplation over the lake.   
I only half listened to him. Without really realizing it, I walked toward the lake and stopped a few meters away. I bent down, and touched the green grass. There was nothing specific about that particular spot of grass I touched, but the memories it stirred made me go through a wide range of emotions. This was where I had shared my first kiss with Asuka...   
"So, that's the place?"   
Startled, I raised my head to see Touji at my side, a big grin on his face.   
"What do you mean?"   
"Come on, Shinji. I heard the story. This is where you first kissed Asuka, isn't it?"   
"What?! How do you know about that?"   
"Hikari."   
"I see... I guess girls would talk about such things..."   
"So, that's the place?"   
I nodded. Touji's grin grew even wider. I was about to tell him to stop looking at me that way when someone called our names.   
"Suzuhara-kun? Ikari-kun?"   
While I expected that turn of event, I was still surprised. Not as much as Touji, however.   
"In... Inchou?" [(*)][5]   
Both girls had appeared behind us, carrying similar backpacks as those Touji and I had brought with us. While Asuka seemed oblivious to the weight on her shoulders, Hikari seemed almost exhausted. I was only a bit surprised to see Touji run up to her and take that burden off her shoulders. Hikari thanked him and both of them blushed.   
When I took my eyes off that scene, I realized Asuka was staring at me. I understood why as I realized I was still kneeling down on the spot of grass I had previously touched. Silently, Asuka walked toward me. I stood up. We stared at each other for a few seconds, then Asuka surprised me with a deep kiss. I knew that Touji and Hikari were watching, so I froze at first. It was the first time we actually kissed in public. But after a short moment, I forgot about our friends.   
"This time, we did it correctly," whispered Asuka, after she broke the kiss.   
When I brought my attention back to our friends, I noticed that Hikari had an astonished look on her face while Touji showed again that damn wide grin.   
"What are you boys doing here?!" suddenly shouted Asuka, startling me. I knew it was part of her plan to try to convince both Hikari and Touji that this was not some scheme, but I still didn't expect her to yell just after kissing me.   
"Camping of course!" replied Touji, pointing at our belongings, a few meters away.   
"What a coincidence!" exclaimed Hikari. "We came here to do the same..."   
That was just perfect. Coming up herself with the coincidence hypothesis was the best thing that could have happened. However, even if he didn't mention it, I could feel that Touji felt sceptical about this.   
"So, what do we do now?" I asked.   
Asuka had expected Hikari to take advantage of the situation. She did.   
"Well, we had planned for a girl trip, but now that we are all together, why not all stay here? It would be fun! The more the merrier!"   
I noticed Asuka had trouble hiding a grin. Realizing this, she played her usual role, which was yelling and making a lot of noise about nothing.   
"What?! You want us to camp here? With those perverts?!"   
"We're not perverts!" I objected.   
From that point, things just escalated into the kind of argument we usually had.   
"You are! I'm sure you heard I was coming here and came yourself to take advantage of the situation! No Misato around... Admit it, you the other baka planned all this so that you could do all sort of perverted things to us, defenceless girls!"   
"What?!" shouted Touji.   
"Oh, my..." said a dumbfound Hikari.   
The argument continued for a while, until we got tired of it and all decided to stay, exactly as Asuka had planned, of course. Since dinner time was coming fast anyway, nobody had the time to find another place where they could camp. Soon, Touji and I were handed the task of setting up the tents, while Asuka and Hikari were gone in the woods to put on their swimsuits.   
"Why do we end up with all the work?" complained Touji, while trying to figure out how to set up Asuka's tent.   
"Because we're guys? Besides, I'm sure you're happy to lend Hikari a hand..."   
"Yeah, but this is still the Demon's tent..."   
"Hey! Asuka-chan's not that bad!"   
"Oh, so it's Asuka-chan now? That kiss must have been something..."   
Damn! I had let that "chan" slip... Oh, well, after what he had seen earlier...   
"Nah... That was nothing. You should see us when we sleep together..."   
"What?!"   
Touji was so surprised that he lost his hold on the tent. Everything went down. I smiled. I had my revenge.   
"Oh, man! I've got to start over now!"   
I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Touji soon followed. So far, everything seemed to indicate it would be a pleasant day.   
  


- - -

The day had gone by pretty nicely. Since the girls had resolved to catch some sun while we were taking care of the tents, it seemed that the task of gathering wood for a fire and prepare dinner would fall on us gentlemen. Since Touji's cooking skills were limited to the use of instant microwave meals, he decided to take care of the wood. When he had gathered together a reasonable pile of branches and timber, I worked on starting up a small campfire. By the time the girls got tired of lying around, our meal was under way and the sun was slowly leaving us.   
We ate, then chatted for a while until Asuka went to our tent and came back carrying a sake bottle and a six pack of Yebisu in each hand.   
"Let's start the real party now!"   
I was, to say the least, more than surprised.   
"Where the hell did you get that, Asuka?!"   
"Where do you think? The same place Misato buys her weekly supply of alcohol. The owner didn't even suspect a thing when I put those on her credit."   
"You did what?!"   
"Relax Shin-chan... It's not like she keeps count of how much beer she buys..."   
I shook my head in disbelief. Sometimes, Asuka just went too far...   
"We shouldn't be drinking... we're too young..."   
"Oh... Is little Shinji scared?"   
"I'm not scared!"   
"Prove it."   
She handed me a beer, a smirk on her face.   
"It won't work Asuka. I'm not going to drink that."   
"Just as I thought. You're a wimp. Say, Touji, are you more of a man than Shin-chan here?"   
"I've got nothing to prove to you."   
I had expected Asuka to give up, but instead, a huge grin grew on her face as she eyed Hikari.   
"Then I guess you're the only one left, Hikari. Shall we show these guys we've got more guts than them?"   
"I don't know Asuka..."   
"You don't want the boys here to think you're a shy girl, do you, Hikari-chan?"   
I knew that when she had said 'boys', Asuka had meant 'Touji'. And by the way Hikari glanced at my friend, I knew Asuka had hit a nerve.   
"No... of course not..."   
Reluctantly, Hikari took the Yebisu can Asuka handed to her, before taking one for herself. Both girls opened their cans. Hikari took a shy sip.   
"It's not so bad..."   
"Come on, Hikari, that not how you drink!"   
I was stunned to see Asuka lift the can and make a very good imitation of Misato. I was impressed. She drank the entire can in one shot. I couldn't help but seriously wonder if this was the first time Asuka drank beer.   
"Yeah! Misato's right, that's the way to drink!"   
"You want me to do that?!" shouted a still stunned Hikari.   
Asuka nodded.   
For a while, Hikari stared at her can... then she attempted to copy what Asuka had done a few minutes earlier. She didn't really manage it, but she still drank most of it before almost choking and splashing some of it all over herself. Then she burst in a fit of giggles, followed by Asuka. Touji and I looked at each other. We both nodded and grabbed a beer ourselves...   
  


- - -

I'm not shy to admit it. I can't handle alcohol. It was the case back then and it's still the same today.   
After the first can of Yebisu, I felt its effects. I was a bit light-headed and I realized I was laughing a lot more than I usually did. After the second can, I had problems walking straight, which I realized is annoying when you have to walk any significant distance to get some privacy while paying for one of beer's side effects. After the third can and a couple of drinks at Asuka's sake bottles, I realized that any attempt at moving any of my limbs in a coordinated way was almost futile. While my mind was more or less clear, my body was completely out of it. And as time passed, I was very slowly but surely drifting off to sleep.   
At least, I wasn't the first to get drunk. Hikari was totally out of control before I finished my second can. I must say it was... an interesting sight. I don't know if she used the pretence of being drunk as an excuse, or if she was really that drunk, but soon enough, she was glomping Touji. At first, this scared the hell out of the guy, but after a short while, he seemed to relax and actually enjoy the situation. Maybe the beer was helping.   
Asuka quickly followed Hikari's example and was soon all over me. Like for Hikari, the effects of the alcohol rapidly showed on her attitude, as she kept switching from an overly happy demeanor to a shy and silent attitude.   
Touji didn't really seem affected by the alcohol, if we didn't take into account the fact that he got comfortable pretty quickly to the attention Hikari provided him.   
Sure thing, we had a lot of fun, something I didn't experience that often. We sang songs, told jokes that we normally wouldn't have laughed at if we had been sober, and even went as far as a midnight swim in the lake. Fortunately, none of us were stupid enough to swim out too far, so no unfortunate incident occurred.   
I guess the party ended when Asuka realized I was seriously dozing off.   
"If you'll excuse me, I'll go put my dear Shin-chan to bed before he falls asleep and manages to get himself into the fire, or something stupid like that."   
Touji, of course, had a good laugh.   
I felt someone grabbing me and dragging me somewhere. It must have been hard on poor Asuka, because I really had trouble walking. Not that I really tried to help her...   
Eventually, I heard the sound of a zipper being opened and I was thrown forward into my tent.   
"Oh, yeah..." said Asuka to Touji before following me, "Earlier today, I moved my things here and put your gear into my tent. Surely you understand that I want to spend the night with dear Shin-chan..."   
"What?!" shouted what sounded like an obviously shocked Touji.   
They argued for a while, but I didn't pay attention. Lazily, I removed my shoes using only my feet and crawled toward my sleeping bag. Well, I supposed it was mine since it was the only one in the tent and it was where I had last put it. Slowly, I unzipped it, then crawled inside, although not closing it. I felt too lazy to remove my clothes, so I just lay there, ready for a welcome night of sleep. Of course, I was shaken awake by Asuka a few minutes later. I guess this meant that she had won the argument.   
"Come on, don't fall asleep yet, you baka! Geez, talk about low alcohol tolerance. You're really pathetic..."   
Those words struck me as odd. This wasn't the drunken girl that had been glomping me a while back. That thought was enough to keep me awake for a while. As I opened my eyes, I realized Asuka definitely seemed like her usual self.   
"Well, that's better. If we're stuck together, you could at least keep me company."   
"You make it sound like it's a bad thing. You know, you're the one who's always crawling in my bed!"   
"Of course... Your bed is more comfortable than mine."   
For a few seconds, I really asked myself if she was serious or not.   
"Speaking of bed, where's your sleeping bag?" I asked, trying to change subject.   
"Left it at the apartment, I had to make some room for the beer and sake."   
"What are you going to do?"   
"What do you think? Use yours of course!"   
"What? It's mine!"   
To affirm my claim, I grabbed it with all the strength I could muster. Asuka just shrugged.   
"So? There's room enough for two..."   
It was probably useless to try to argue, so I kept my mouth shut. It would be a bit tight, but I guess we could manage to squeeze ourselves in a single bag. I really wonder... When we had gone shopping, she had insisted that I take a larger bag, saying I would be more comfortable. Had she actually planned to leave her bag way back then? But if she did, why did she buy one in the first place? Just so that I wouldn't grow suspicious? It seemed a bit too much, even for someone like Asuka.   
Oh, well... It wasn't like it was the first time we'd share sleeping space anyway...   
"Shinji? Do you think I'm pretty?"   
I was taken aback by this question, but answered before even thinking. Not that I could really ponder much on this question.   
"Of course I think you're pretty, Asuka-chan! Who wouldn't find you pretty...?"   
I expected her to be all smiles after such an answer, but her face was very serious. I didn't recall seeing her this serious before. It felt... almost as if I was looking at the Rei I knew two months ago.   
"Do you think I'm prettier than Rei?"   
I cringed at that question. I really didn't know what to answer. If I said no, I might hurt her. If I said yes, Asuka was likely to tell Rei. Why did she have to ask that question...?   
"You're both the prettiest girls I know!"   
I knew this wouldn't satisfy her, but at least it would buy me some time. Not that it really helped...   
"Oh... So, I'm as pretty as her, am I?"   
I just nodded nervously. Part of me, however, was really worried about her. The way she had asked that question, in a monotone voice similar to Rei's...   
"I see..."   
In fear, I awaited her wrath. I never would have anticipated what she did next.   
She stood up, then, before my brain registered what she was doing, she let her swimsuit top fall at her feet. I was shocked beyond belief. Not to mention a bit scared.   
Still, I couldn't help but stare at her newly exposed breasts. It was, after all, a lovely view... However, I felt slightly disturbed by the emotionless expression on her face. It was like what she had just done didn't mean anything at all to her.   
"So, is Rei still as pretty as me?"   
I tried to give some kind of answer, but no words managed to came out of my mouth.   
"I see you still need some convincing."   
I can't believe I didn't either faint or suffer from a major nosebleed when I realized that the "convincing" consisted of removing her bikini bottom. Part of my mind commanded me to close my eyes and run away, but another part was just too fascinated to do anything else but stare. So that's what I did.   
"So, am I prettier then her?"   
I just nodded like an idiot. If that's what she wanted to hear, that's what I would say. Quite frankly, I didn't really give the question much thought. And I didn't care much at the moment.   
I barely reacted as Asuka slowly moved to position herself on top of me, her knees on each side of my body. Probably too much for my brain... She bent over, so that her breasts were only inches away from my eyes.   
"Do you want these?"   
"Asuka, you should stop that..."   
She didn't listen. Instead, she grabbed each of my wrists and simply put my hands on her breasts. I gasped at the touch. They were soft, yet firm, warm, and delightful. It realized it felt a bit similar to Rei's breast I had accidentally grabbed months ago. Although, unlike then, I could take the time to enjoy the sensation.   
Again, I felt a hint of worry as Asuka's face seem fixed in a mask of indifference. Something was wrong here...   
"Asuka... we... we shouldn't be doing this..."   
I said the words, but part of me didn't mean them. I was nervous as hell, but I knew that this wasn't the reason why I tried to resist this redhead goddess. The only thing that kept me from surrendering to her was fear. Fear of hurting Rei. And fear of hurting her too...   
I gave a sigh of relief as Asuka removed my hands from her chest, but froze as she started to undo the buckle of my belt. The girl had not listened to a word I had said. I couldn't really blame her, since I wasn't putting out much of a fight. Not to mention that a certain part of my anatomy clearly showed I didn't much believe in my own words. It didn't help that I let out a slight moan as her hand "accidentally" touched it. Finally, some expression appeared on her face. A small, but clear grin.   
"Tonight, you're mine."   
"Asuka, please..."   
I couldn't say more as pulled down my pants.   
"I'll be your first. This time, I'll beat Rei..."   
Those words had as much impact on me as an N2 explosion. My thoughts became crystal clear as I understood one simple reality. With those words, all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. The camping trip. Getting us drunk. Us sharing the same tent. Even Asuka's expression. Asuka's purpose had never been to help Touji and Hikari in admitting their feelings. From the very beginning, Asuka's sole intention had been to achieve what Rei had failed to do: have sex with me. It wasn't even something she wanted to do, her cold attitude was proof of that. Without even thinking, my hand lashed out. Asuka fell, her eyes widened in surprise. She raised her trembling fingers to the cheek I had just slapped.   
"All along, you've been manipulating me... Did you ever care for me? Or was it just a competition with Rei, with me as the trophy?"   
"Shinji... I..."   
"Shut up."   
I had spoken in a voice barely louder than a whisper. But it had more effect than if I had shouted, as the words carried all the hurt I felt. I put my pants back on, grabbed my gear, with the exception of the sleeping bag, and left the tent. Strangely, I didn't feel the effects of alcohol anymore.   
"Shinji!"   
She screamed my name a few times. As I walked toward the fire, I ignored her calls.   
Finally, my legs gave in and I collapsed. I didn't try to get up. I didn't have the strength, or the will. If death would have been coming my way, I wouldn't have moved.   
"Why?" I shouted, hitting the grass with a fist.   
Why? How could she have done this? Did she ever love me in the first place?   
_"You should not worry about her. If she cannot even say that she loves you, than she cannot be more than a friend."_   
Maybe Rei was right. Asuka had never actually said that she loved me. Only that she liked me. It could mean anything...   
Of course, I was guilty of the same crime. I never had found the courage to tell either of them that I love them. Yet, I knew I did. But I never told them, fearing that those words may eventually hurt one of them if I chose the other.   
Could this be only a misunderstanding...   
_"This time, I'll beat Rei..."_   
No, there was no other way to interpret those words. Asuka was just... toying with me. Like she always did.   
I felt like crying, but resolved myself not to. I had suffered enough because of my father. I wouldn't cry for another puppeteer.   
"Damn you, Asuka!!! Damn you! Damn you! Damn you..."   
  


- - -

"Man, you look awful..."   
I raised my head, just enough to see that Touji had joined me near the fire.   
"You should be in Hikari's arms right now, not here trying to cheer me up..." I told him, trying to drive him away. I didn't feel like receiving someone else's pity.   
"Yeah... But it seems Hikari can't handle alcohol. She fell asleep the instant she laid on her sleeping bag."   
"It's a shame."   
"It's not so bad. I know how she feels now. Thanks Shinji."   
I gave him a puzzled look.   
"Hey! I'm not an idiot!" said Touji. "I know it wasn't a coincidence we all met here."   
"It was all Asuka's doing. She just wanted to drag me away from Misato and Rei so the she could use me like the idiot I am."   
"Maybe... but you... you did this for us, didn't you? So, again, thank you, Shinji."   
I took some time to analyze what Touji had just said. Then I smiled.   
"Hey, if this mess can make my best friend happy, then I guess it's worth it."   
Touji smiled in return. Then, he gave me a serious look, the kind that only appeared on his face when he was worried.   
"So, what happened?"   
I explained it all to him. Even the most intimate details. It wasn't like it had meant anything in the end anyway.   
"If it weren't for the fact that I'd be angry too if I were you, I'd call you stupid. A lot of guys would kill for a chance with that girl."   
"She can fuck any guy she wants, I don't care..."   
Without any warning, Touji hit me hard on the head.   
"Hey!"   
"Baka! You don't mean that and you know it! Otherwise, you wouldn't feel so miserable over this."   
As much as I hated to admit it, he was right.   
"I guess you're right. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. You know, I envy you Touji. Hikari's a nice girl. She's cute, honest and she really cares for you. You won't have a love life as complicated as mine"   
"Maybe you should let Asuka explain herself..."   
"So that she could try and manipulate me again? No."   
For a while, we both kept silent, not knowing what to say.   
"At least, you still have Rei. There's no doubt that she loves you."   
"Rei."   
At the mention of her name, my heart actually seemed to feel lighter.   
"Maybe you should be happy about this. That solves your problem. Now that things are over with Asuka, then you can go forward with Rei. You did say that you loved them both as much. One or the other... what's the difference?"   
Those words perturbed me. Was... was it really over? Like this? But Touji was right. It did solve my problems. Didn't it? Suddenly, I wasn't so sure anymore. I used to think that I loved both of them equally. But was it really the case? What if... what if I loved Asuka more than Rei?   
"Say, you're not going to sleep outside, are you? You can sleep in our tent if you want."   
"No, I don't want to impose."   
"Really, Shinji..."   
"I'll stay here, Touji."   
Realizing he wouldn't change my mind, Touji left. He quickly came back from his tent, holding a sleeping bag.   
"Here. At least you won't catch a cold."   
"And you? What will you do?" I asked, worried.   
"I'll manage, don't worry. At least I don't have to worry about the rain or the wind."   
"Thanks, Touji."   
Touji gave me a proud smile.   
"Hey! What are friends for?"   
Then a serious expression showed on his face again.   
"Shinji... We live in a crazy world. You should know that better than any other. Whatever decision you make, don't wait too long. Because if you do, something may happen and you could regret it. Think about it. I've been doing that a lot myself these past hours..."   
When Touji left, I had indeed a lot to think about.   
I wished I had brought my SDAT player. It always helped to push any thoughts out of my mind.   
Damn...   
  


- - -

I awoke, regretting I did. I didn't know if it was the result of the alcohol, or the fact that I had slept under the stars, but I felt miserable. Well, more than the previous night. I was feeling dizzy, it felt like all my muscles hurt. My mouth felt dry and gritty, like I'd been eating sand. While last night the alcohol had affected my limbs but left my mind free, today the after-effects were just the reverse. I had perfect control over my body. Too perfect. It seemed as if I was oversensitive to everything. Any movement sent a blizzard of signals that slammed into my brain. Nothing was missed, no sensation too small to overload my mind with its buzz.   
This maelstrom of feelings added to my general feeling of rottenness. I had been betrayed. Again. Betrayed by someone I thought I loved. No. Not thought I loved. Loved. That's what made it so painful. I had nothing left here. The euphoria I had experienced yesterday had collapsed in ash, choking me with its remains. I should have remembered what I'd learned before coming to Tokyo-3: never open your heart. They couldn't hurt you if you didn't let them in. I'd let Asuka in; I thought I could trust her. Instead she'd torn something from me. I could almost hear her mocking laugh. Worse, I could almost see the smirk that must be on her face. I'd seen that same smirk in my nightmares. It was the same as my father's. That hurt most.   
Painfully, I got up and stared at the sky. It was barely dawn. Awake, but my mind not really focused on what I was doing, I dragged myself toward the lake and, using my hands as a cup, I took a few sips of water, then splashed my face. For now, I tried to bury my pain deep down, like I always did. I found it harder to do then usual.   
In the process of trying to focus on what was going on outside my mind, I noticed a very important detail I had neglected to see a few seconds earlier. On the ground laid a towel and some clothing. That meant... that someone was bathing in the lake! And since I doubted that Touji wore panties, that someone was very likely female.   
Okay, it wasn't a problem... I just had to turn around, go back inside Touji's sleeping bag and fake sleep.   
But part of my mind wouldn't let go of a single thought... it could be Asuka.   
How pathetic. With all she's done, here I was, almost drooling at the thought of seeing her...   
Partly disgusted at myself, I raised my head. As I suspected, someone was in the lake. A brown haired girl. Hikari I supposed, as she was the only brown haired girl around.   
I didn't know if I should have felt relieved or disappointed.   
Since the girl wasn't facing me, she hadn't noticed yet that I was staring at her naked back. Of course, with the luck I've had these last weeks, she had to turn around before I could decide to do the same and leave. So, when she did, not only did it confirm that the girl was indeed Hikari, but it also gave me a perfect view of her breasts. While the view was nice, I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed by fear. I was dead. If Hikari didn't kill me, Touji would. And I was sure that the dumb smile I had on my face wouldn't help at all...   
How stupid!   
"I'm sorry!" I managed to mumble as I quickly turned around and got back to the now dead fire where I awaited my death sentence.   
It only took a minute before I felt a presence at my back.   
"Ikari-kun."   
"Horaki-inchou... I... I..."   
As I turned around, I forgot any excuses I was trying to say. Hikari was standing just in front of me, only wearing panties and Touji's sport jacket. That last fact caught all my attention. Did they...? As I noticed the overly happy expression on her face, I concluded that indeed these two indeed had... shared some good time. Asuka had been right after all. At least this whole trip wasn't a waste.   
Asuka...   
Couldn't she just leave me alone? Why couldn't I get her out of my thoughts?   
My mind absent again, I didn't react at first when Hikari bent over me and planted her lips on my mine. But when I realized what had just happened... It had been only a very light kiss, but it still shocked me.   
"Thank you, Playboy-kun..." [(2)][6]   
I stared at her as she left for her tent, humming an happy tune, and kept staring for a whole minute after she had gotten inside, my brain unable to function correctly. I tried to analyze the latest events. Touji and Hikari had apparently slept together. Then, I had seen Hikari naked, but I was still alive. Not only that, but she had kissed me instead of breaking every bone in my body. Surely that girl wasn't the usually shy, sometime bossy Hikari that I knew. Maybe she was still drunk. Yeah, must be it. Satisfied with this conclusion, I decided to completely forget about the last minutes and go gather some wood to start a new fire. It would be breakfast time soon.   
At least, what had just happened did have some positive side effects. For a few moments, I had stopped thinking about Asuka. And now that I thought back at what I saw a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but smiling. A very small smile, but one nonetheless.   
"I envy you Touji. She's a nice, cute, normal girl..."   
  


- - -

Breakfast was nearly ready when Touji and Hikari joined me. I noticed that they were holding hands. For the first time ever, neither of them was trying to hide their mutual feelings. In fact, with the broad smiles that showed on their faces, these two seemed to be in some sort of private paradise.   
Another fact that surprised me was that Hikari didn't wear her usual hair style. Instead, her brown hair was falling loose over her shoulders. It was a thought that I usually tried to avoid, but this time, I couldn't. Hikari was a very cute girl.   
I couldn't help but shudder once Hikari finally took notice of me. However, she kept quiet about the previous incident. In fact, she was overly nice to me. Maybe she was just so happy that she didn't feel like being angry at me. I relaxed as I realized that we would simply share an enjoyable meal. And I must admit, even thought I felt a bit depressed, I did have a lot of fun watching Hikari feeding an embarrassed Touji. Soon, we were all laughing. But the laughter died down as soon as Asuka came out of her tent.   
Hikari excused herself, mumbling something about plates needing to be washed. Touji volunteered himself to fetch some wood for the fire, even though there was still plenty left. I was now all alone with Asuka. Some friends I had, deserting me like rats fleeing from a sinking ship.   
Asuka stood in front of me. She bore a neutral, emotionless face. I knew I probably had the same expression myself.   
"Shinji, I..."   
"Stop." I commanded. "Not a word. I don't want to hear a word. No excuses, no explanations, no insults, nothing."   
I could clearly see the surprise on her face. And, to some degree, the pain.   
"Right now, I'm not sure I can trust any of your words."   
I didn't leave her the chance to reply. I left. She said nothing to hold me back. Good.   
If she wanted breakfast, she would have to cook it herself. I wouldn't.   
  


- - -

An hour later, Hikari suggested that we should return to Tokyo-3. We all silently agreed. The fun was over now. We picked up our gear, and left. Asuka, Hikari and Touji headed directly home. However, rumor said that later that day, Touji and the class representative had been seen together in a park, in a very cozy position. They didn't deny the rumors, but rather confirmed them with a kiss right in the middle of a class full of astonished students.   
I wandered for a while before returning to the apartment. With all my camping equipment, I attracted many curious stares, but I barely noticed. I had some heavy thinking to do. I let my thoughts wander.   
Mother. She left me. Sometimes all I could remember about her was how much it had hurt when I knew she wasn't coming back.   
Father. He too, had left, but I'd always secretly hoped we could get another chance. Well, that hope had died recently, and if I hadn't had the two girls to think about, I don't know what I would have done.   
And now Asuka had left me as well. Not in a physical sense, but emotionally. Left me feeling used, toyed with, controlled. As always. I'm so pathetic...   
People I loved died.   
People I loved left me.   
People I loved used me.   
Was everyone I loved going to abandon me?   
No. Rei wouldn't. Rei wouldn't die like my mother. I had the ability to protect her. Nothing would happen to her, I wouldn't let it. She wouldn't abandon me like my father. We each had nowhere else to go. She'd stay with me. And she wouldn't use me, like... like...   
Damn her!   
Rei was all I had left, all I could count on. Even if there was no one else, I could always believe in her completely.   
_"Did Rei tell you her secret?"_   
I banished my father's words from my head angrily. I could trust Rei. I could! She'd never hide anything from me. She was my last hope, and she wouldn't let me down.   
She wouldn't.   
She wouldn't...   
If she did...   
When I finally got back to the apartment, I was relieved to be told by Misato that Asuka was in her room. I headed toward mine, emptied my backpack of most of its content, then packed most of my clothing. I grabbed my schoolbag, my SDAT player and exited the room.   
"Shin... Shinji? Where... where are you going like this?" asked Misato, visibly surprised and worried.   
"To Rei's place, Misato-san. I'm not sure I could handle living here right now."   
Even though she still looked worried, I could tell Misato felt relieved. She had probably thought I was planning to run away again.   
I gave a last look around. To think I had started to consider this apartment like home. Now that I felt at peace here, I had to leave. Was this some kind of twisted fate? First, Father had dragged me out of the boring but peaceful life of my uncle's home. Now, I had to leave this place, kicked out by Asuka...   
I hated my life.   
"When will you come back?"   
"I don't know. Maybe I won't come back."   
  


* * *

Part 2: I Love You

I woke up, still holding Rei's naked body in my bare arms. Like the previous mornings since I had moved into her apartment. Since Misato wasn't around, the blue haired girl didn't see the necessity of wearing anything in bed. And after the last few nights we shared, I didn't see the point either.   
As I stared at the ceiling, I thought back to what had happened a few days ago...   
  


- - -

After putting my things in an empty room, I collapsed on the floor, unable to hold back the tears anymore. I felt sick about myself. I was just a weak little boy. No wonder others used me as if I was just a toy. A toy you could play with, then discard when you got tired of it. Father, and now Asuka.   
Through the walls, I heard yelling. Two voices I knew very well. Misato was obviously very angry at Asuka. As best as I could, I tried to tune them out. But each time I heard her... I think I snapped and yelled at them to shut up. I'm not entirely sure, maybe I just imagined I did. But moments later, I stopped hearing them.   
Soon after, I was wrapped in Rei's delicate arms as she tried to calm me down with soft, tender words. I felt safe and warm in those arms and shed on her shoulder all the tears I had kept deep inside myself all those years. I cried myself to sleep.   
I awoke the next morning to find myself still in her arms. But now I was in her bed, rather than sitting on the floor of the other room. I don't know how she managed to carry me all the way there without waking me up. Maybe I had just been too exhausted to notice.   
I was startled at first to realize that we were both naked, but soon relaxed, as I realized it felt warm and comfortable.   
We remained in the apartment all morning. I tried to convince Rei to go to school, but I could never make her change her mind. She just said she wanted to stay here for me, that it was more important than listening to Sensei ranting about Second Impact. While I didn't say it out loud, I was really grateful that she didn't go.   
She prepared breakfast for both of us. As always, I couldn't help but be amazed at how good she had become in the kitchen. As she handed me a cup of hot tea, she asked me what was wrong. I asked her to follow me in the living room where we both sat down around the low table. Then, I told her everything. As I talked, I noticed the way she frowned a few times. And when I told her what happened in the tent, anger clearly showed on her face. But she quickly regained a calm and passive demeanor. Once I had told her everything, her words surprised me.   
"I do not think she intended to hurt you."   
"What?! How can you say that?! She tricked me! She used my friends to get to me!"   
"Maybe she thought it was the only way..."   
"The only way?"   
For a few seconds, Rei seemed lost in thought.   
"I am not sure. There are many things about her I do not understand. There is a wall around her, a wall that pushes people away. It must be hard for her to try and express her feelings, when all that she knows is how to repress them."   
Dumbfounded, I stared at Rei as my brain processed what she had just said. Somehow, I knew she was right. Asuka never opened herself. She was like a fortress. Impregnable. Her anger was her weapon, whose purpose was to push people away. In ways she was... like me.   
However, it couldn't explain what had happened that night. It wasn't just a problem of lack of communication. She had manipulated me. Used me. Used Hikari. Used Touji...   
"Do not let the past hurt you..."   
I felt her hand on my arm. Only then I realized that my anger had pushed me to clutch my hand into a fist. Her touch calmed me.   
"I am here..."   
I looked at those red orbs below the blue hair and saw how much she cared about me.   
"I am here for you..."   
Slowly, she leaned toward me, her gaze never leaving mine.   
"There is no need to worry about her..."   
I couldn't resist. Her lips were like magnets.   
"I love you Shinji..."   
I lost myself into a long series of deep passionate kisses. But I'm sure that I said the words that came to my mind.   
"I love you too, Rei-chan."   
We spent most of the morning locked into a warm embrace. Only in her arms did I felt the calm and peace I longed for. We barely talked. Each time we did, it followed a simple pattern; I would say how much I felt hurt and betrayed by Asuka and Rei simply answered that she would always be there for me.   
After lunch, Rei left the apartment. I could see that she didn't want to, but she said she had to go for some tests scheduled by Ritsuko. I assured her that I would be all right and told her to go. But before that, I asked if she could get my cello from Misato's apartment. Once she was gone, I tried to lose myself into the music I played. I wasn't very good with the instrument, but playing helped me get my mind off Asuka.   
All day, I tried to keep myself busy. I started by setting up my new room, which was done very quickly since there wasn't much to do. From a closet, I picked up a futon, a pillow and spare blankets. Rei had bought those under Misato's suggestion, just in case someone would have to use this room. Another example of good planning by the Major. Since I had only brought part of my clothes, setting everything up only took a few minutes. This done, I wandered around the apartment, in quest of something, anything, I could do. But ironically, now that I had shown Rei how to take care of her apartment, there wasn't much to do. Everything was almost impeccable, including the bathroom. I still decided to wash the bath and the toilet, as well as all the floors and windows, just in case. Then I proceeded to make some laundry, starting with Rei's bed sheets, followed by whatever I could find in Rei's wash basket, as well as some of my own clothing. I eventually found myself wasting time organizing the content of her fridge, before giving up trying to be "useful". Since Rei didn't have a TV, I finally grabbed my cello and played for what was probably the longest time in my life.   
I wasn't sure when Rei would come back, but I still made dinner for both of us. I figured it would at least make more dishes to wash.   
When she came back, a few hours past dinner time, she found me working hard on my class assignments. Somehow, I had done more homework in a single day then I usually did in an entire month.   
Rei tried to apologize, but I interrupted her. I was just too relieved to see her back. I fixed a quick meal for her and watched her eat. She couldn't help but blush under my gaze.   
When it came time to go to bed, Rei seemed disappointed when I walked to the guest room, where I had set up a futon, but didn't say a word. While I felt comfort in her presence, I wasn't sure I really wanted to sleep in the same bed as her. This was how everything had started in the first place...   
Later that night, I stood against the railing of the balcony, staring out into the night. I had been awaken by nightmares and since then I had found myself unable to close my eyes. After getting tired of looking at the unfamiliar ceiling of my new room, I chose to gaze at a more pleasant view.   
The night air was cold against my bare arms and legs, but I barely registered it. I just looked in fascination at the numerous lights of Tokyo-3. Tokyo-3... The city that I was defending. Why didn't I care about it? Really, what was there left to care about? Why did I go on?   
Bringing my head down, I looked down at the road below. It was quite a distance from where I stood on the balcony. I couldn't help but wonder... Would I feel any pain if I were to fall all the way down there?   
Again, for maybe the hundredth time, I remembered the last part of the nightmares that had plagued my sleep. Asuka was standing behind me, a slight smirk on her face. Then, between laughs, she spoke... _  
"Baka!"   
"Just a toy!"   
"A pathetic little boy!"   
"Did you really think that I could ever love you?"   
"You're so pathetic!"   
"A coward!"   
"Hypocrite!"   
"Meaningless!"   
"Worthless!"   
"Useless!"   
"Why should we care about you?"   
"Who could love a boy like you?"   
"Who could...?"   
"Who could...?"   
"Who could...?"_   
I stiffened when I suddenly felt two arms wrapping around my waist and a head leaning against my shoulder. For a brief moment, I was frozen with fear, thinking that those arms belonged to Asuka. But I quickly relaxed as I realized that this was reality and not a dream, which meant that those arms could only belong to Rei.   
"You will catch a cold if you stay out here much longer," she whispered to me. In the cool night air, I could feel her warm breath against my back. I can't begin to tell how good it felt to me right then.   
"I couldn't sleep."   
As I felt her lips against my skin, slowly kissing every inch of my neck, I lost complete interest in any thought that I previously had. I turned around and stared at the blue-haired girl. She wore only a light blue nightgown that left very little to the imagination. I had convinced her to at least wear something when she walked around the apartment, in case Misato or someone else from NERV happened to come over unannounced. She also had on her silver cross, now attached to a silver chain. As far as I knew, she always wore it except when she had a swimsuit or plugsuit on. So far, I hadn't thought about asking her what that cross meant for her.   
I looked into her red eyes and saw how much she cared for me. In a common accord, our lips met and we stayed locked into each other's arms for what seemed an eternity.   
"I will make you forget about her..."   
Rei took my hand and showed me the way to her room. I did nothing to resist. Before leaving the balcony, I looked once more at our city. I had been wrong. There was still something to care about...   
The next day, I woke up to see that Rei wasn't in bed anymore. A bit worried, I got up went to look for her. I found her in the kitchen, putting the final touch on breakfast. We greeted each other with a small kiss, then she told me to sit down and that she would bring my meal. It felt weird to be taken care of that way. An odd thought then crossed my mind... that was how a wife would act for her husband... well, unless she had a more important job then his. I could barely picture women like Misato or Ritsuko taking care of a husband... well, especially Misato, since she could barely take care of herself. Still, that thought was odd. It also reminded me of what Rei had said a month earlier.   
_"It should be a matter of time before we are engaged."_   
This wasn't such a bad idea. If we were engaged, she wouldn't have any reason to go away, right?   
"Take your time to eat, Shin-chan. I will go take a bath, then prepare yours."   
"You won't eat?"   
"I am not hungry. Do not worry, just enjoy your meal."   
"I always enjoy the meals you cook."   
Rei blushed, then left. Once she was out of view, I happily started to eat.   
Asking her to be my fiancee. Could I do that? Did I really want that? Was Rei the girl I wanted in my life? But did it really matter? There was no one else now...   
I was done eating my miso soup and rice when I heard the doorbell. That was odd. Who would come by Rei's so early? Curious, I went to see who it was.   
"Who is it?" I asked as I pressed the button for the intercom.   
"It's me."   
I felt a surge of anger when I heard the reply. Asuka! That damn little...!   
Deciding to ignore her, I headed back to the kitchen. But she kept buzzing, and when that didn't work, she started to knock. Very loudly, too. After the fifth knock, I gave up. I had forgotten how annoyingly persistent she could be.   
"What do you want?" I asked as I opened the door but stood in the opening not to let her in, putting as much venom as I could in my voice.   
Asuka didn't react at all. Her face was blank, emotionless. She just simply said, "Today's Tuesday."   
I immediately understood the implications of what she had said. I couldn't believe this girl. How could she dare to ask me to spend the day with her after what she had done?   
"So what?" I replied, the venom still in my voice.   
Was it my imagination, or did she actually flinch at bit at those words? Whether it was my imagination or not, part of me actually enjoyed it.   
"It's over," I added. "Go away."   
"No!" Her outburst surprised me. Before I could react, she knocked me down to the floor using her elbow, then entered the apartment.   
"We need to talk!" She didn't seem angry, but rather... desperate. I was confused. This wasn't the Asuka I knew.   
"Get out."   
Startled by those words, I turned around to see Rei standing behind me. Obviously, she had still been in her bath when Asuka decided to burst in, as she stood there naked, soap and water dripping on the floor from her hair and skin. Her eyes seemed to burn with anger.   
Asuka didn't say a word. She just stood there, looking at Rei, then at me, then back again at Rei. The pain became obvious on her features.   
"I see..." she whispered between gritted teeth. As she said those words, I could feel the hurt in her voice. I also couldn't help but wonder, why? Why should she feel pain in the first place? Because someone else was now playing with her toy? Well, too bad for her.   
"Get out of my apartment," Rei said in a quiet, subdued voice.   
Asuka obeyed the order without so much as a word of her usual protest and even closed the door behind her. I could hardly believe it. What had just happened here? I didn't understand anything anymore. Did she...? Did she have feelings for me after all? But in this case... why?   
_"Maybe she thought it was the only way..."_   
Could that be it? No, that was just too easy... Then why?   
"I think I will stay here with you today," said Rei, breaking my train of thought, as I stood up.   
"You don't have to..."   
She gave me her sweet smile.   
"I want to."   
Not bothering about her state of nakedness, she walked toward me and her lips met mine.   
As my hands wandered on her wet skin, I stopped thinking about Asuka...   
We spent a quiet day together. I mostly tried to catch up with the school work that I had neglected over the last few months. Rei simply read quietly. Well, until she started to read a few manga she had borrowed from her friend Hotaru. Seeing her giggling is always something that amazes me.   
An hour after dinner time, both Rei and I were startled by a knock on the door. Afraid it was Asuka again, I let Rei answer.   
"Hotaru-chan!"   
"Rei-chan!"   
I was amazed to see both friends, one of them usually very shy and the other still quite reserved, except with me, hug this way. Rei was obviously beaming with joy, seeing her friend here.   
The moment she noticed me, the young girl became suddenly quiet. I was probably making her uneasy.   
"Hello, Tomoe," I said, followed by the warmest smile I could manage.   
"Hello, Ikari-kun," she replied, her head bowed.   
I really wondered why this girl was so shy.   
An awkward moment of silence followed. I was about to retreat to my room, since my presence obviously make everyone nervous, when Rei's friend spoke again.   
"Ikari-kun... can... can I ask.... can I ask you a question?"   
If possible, she seemed even more nervous then before. She was almost red with embarrassment.   
"Er... Sure, ask."   
"Why are you here at Rei-chan's apartment? Isn't it Tuesday today?"   
I couldn't help but to groan. Did everybody know?   
"It doesn't matter anymore which day we are. It's over."   
The frail girl seemed surprised.   
"Does that means that you're Rei-chan's boyfriend now?"   
"Hotaru-chan!" said a blushing Rei.   
I gave the idea some thought. If I considered the last few days, I could really give only one answer.   
"I... I guess I am."   
"Yay!"   
That wasn't a reaction I expected. In fact, this change of attitude was almost scary...   
"I won the bet!" said the girl proudly, before realizing that she shouldn't have said that... Rei had a scolding look on her face, while I had a dumbfound look.   
"A bet...?"   
"Er... You... you know our classmate, Kuno Minami? Short brown hair, rich family girl?"   
I nodded. The name did seem familiar. I also remember hearing the Kuno name from some argument Misato had on the phone a few weeks ago. If I was right, Kuno Minami's mother was the owner of one of the biggest companies that worked on repairing the Tokyo-3. Her services were rumored to cost a fortune but, when it came to repairing damage, her crew was supposed to be the fastest.   
"Well, she started a bet about which girl would be your girlfriend between Rei, Asuka and Hikari."   
Not those rumors with Hikari again... Well, luckily Touji and her were going out now, so I didn't have anything to fear anymore. Unless Hikari told him about what had happened at the lake.   
"It seems," continued Hotaru, "that she got the idea from her mother. Minami's mom made a lot of money betting on which girlfriend her sister's fiance would date. Some rumors also says something about bets concerning which boyfriend her sister's fiance would date, but it doesn't really make sense..."   
"And you bet on me?" simply asked Rei.   
The girl blushed.   
"Well... you're my best friend. I had to support you..."   
Rei's face softened.   
"That was sweet of you Hotaru-chan."   
"So, what brought you here, Tomoe?" I asked, trying to change the subject. I still couldn't believe someone was wicked enough to make a bet about my love life...   
"Oh... I almost forgot."   
From a bag she carried, she pulled out to big stack of paper.   
"Here's your printouts."   
Damn! And I had barely caught up with my past homework... Oh well, it would keep me occupied.   
"That much in only two days?" I asked, a bit curious. It was, after all, a bit odd.   
"Well, Sensei is sick and his replacement isn't really interested in Second Impact history."   
"So we're actually working in class for once?"   
"Yes. And our homework is really hard..." complained the girl.   
"Do you need any help?" asked Rei.   
The black haired girl seemed to beam with joy.   
"You would help me?"   
Rei nodded, a smile on her face.   
"Great! But I left my own homework at my place..."   
Rei looked at me. In silence, I agreed with what I knew was on her mind.   
"Then we will go there."   
After a few minutes, the girls left. Maybe it was a good thing. Some part of me felt guilty about monopolizing Rei here, even if it was her own choice. It was good to see her go out with a friend and classmate like any normal girl would do.   
School. Maybe it was time that I go back. But Asuka would be there. If I tried, could I ignore her presence? I wasn't sure. But I couldn't really stay hidden here much longer either.   
Maybe just another day... There were still a few things I needed to figure out. Mainly my feelings for both girls.   
When Rei came back near midnight, I was still awake, waiting for her. We exchanged brief kisses, then we both headed towards her room. If felt natural this time.   
  


- - -

"You do not mind if I go take a bath first, do you?"   
Those words snapped me back to reality. I had been so lost in thought that I didn't even realize that Rei was up. I smiled as I looked at her. She was so cute, her eyes still barely opened, her hair even more a mess then usual. I couldn't help but to give her a deep kiss. She didn't complain, quite the opposite in fact.   
"What a nice way to be greeted in the morning," she said with a smile.   
"You know I can do better," I replied with a grin.   
Rei simply answered back by giving me a quick kiss on the forehead before getting out of bed.   
"Sorry, but I should really go to school today. Hotaru-chan wanted to meet me early, there are still a few things she needs my help with."   
I nodded.   
"It's okay. Besides, I want to leave early for Headquarters, to see if I could find Kaji-san."   
She nodded.   
"Yes. I am sure he can help you. If I understood correctly, Major Katsuragi rejected him in the past. He should be able to help you understand. Then, you will see that there is no need for you to let the past affect your life."   
It sounded reasonable. But even after all those years, Kaji still had feelings for Misato. Would it be the same with Asuka? Was it possible to forget? Maybe. I did have Rei. It was a very good reason to forget...   
"The more time passes, the more I feel that I can believe you, Rei-chan."   
She smiled.   
I watched her gather her school attire, then leave for the bathroom. Only then did I get out of bed myself. Despite everything, I felt rather good. Humming a little tune, I proceeded to go make breakfast.   
  


- - -

After searching for a while, I found Kaji leaning against Misato over a vending machine. Both of them had a very serious expression on their face, which was quite unusual for Kaji. Some important discussion must have been going on.   
In an instant, both of them moved away from each other and tried to act casual. They had probably heard my footsteps. When she saw me, Misato seemed uneasy. Something was going on. Probably something I wasn't supposed to be aware of.   
"Well, I've got to see Ritsuko..." said Misato to Kaji. Then, she looked at me. "Hello, Shinji-kun."   
"Hello Misato-san."   
She barely looked at me. She just walked away. Was it because I chose to leave her apartment for Rei's? Well, I'd have to deal with that later. For now, I had other problems to deal with.   
"Hi, Shinji-kun!"   
Kaji was now back to his usual cheery demeanor.   
"Kaji-san... I'd... I'd like to talk to you... about something..."   
"Judging by the expression on you face, this seems important."   
"It is to me."   
The man took a few seconds to think. Then, he smiled.   
"Very well. But this is not a good place to talk. Come with me, I'll show you something good," he said, flashing that ladykiller smile of his.   
"I'm a boy," I reminded him.   
  


- - -

What a surprise! As I leaned over to get a better look, I couldn't believe my eyes. To think that there was something like this, here, this close to NERV Headquarters...   
"Are these watermelons?"   
"Don't you think they're cute?" said Kaji, obviously proud of his work. "This is my hobby. Keep this secret from the others. Making something or growing something is wonderful! We can see and learn many things through it. It also brings pleasure."   
"It also brings pain."   
For the second time this day, I could see a serious expression on Kaji's face. Probably as serious as mine.   
"Do you hate pain?"   
"Yes..."   
"Did you find what brings you pleasure?"   
"I thought I did. But it only brought more pain. Now, I don't know..."   
I couldn't help but think about the last few days. Even now, as I started to feel happy again thanks to Rei, I wondered if it would last.   
"I see. This is about the camping incident, isn't it?"   
"You've heard of it?" I asked, surprised.   
"Yes, Katsuragi told me. A fine mess, really. You want my opinion about this, do you?"   
I answered with a nod.   
"Asuka is a complicated girl, but not a bad one. I don't think she intended to hurt you. You should probably give her the chance to explain herself."   
"That's what Touji said."   
As I said those words, Kaji seemed surprised, but the expression left his face as fast as it appeared. Strange.   
"That was wise advice. You should listen to your friend."   
"But... I just don't know what to do. I... I... I'm afraid to face her."   
Again, Kaji took a few seconds to think about it.   
"Katsuragi is leaving for a business trip and I'm supposed to watch over you kids tonight, although nobody sees the point anymore, especially with you and Rei living in another apartment. You could come with me. Maybe my presence will help calm things between you two. You know that you two need to talk, do you? Otherwise, you'll always wonder why she acted as she did."   
"Yes, I guess we do," I muttered, not enthused at the prospect.   
The eternally unshaven man smiled.   
"Good. You kids have synch tests this afternoon. Once you're done, we can have dinner together, then you can come to Katsuragi's apartment with me. I'm buying."   
Synch tests. I had forgotten. That meant I would see her... I banished those thoughts from my mind and tried to cheer up.   
"Great!"   
  


- - -

"Well, Shinji-kun, ready?"   
"Not really, but it'll have to do."   
Kaji nodded, then knocked at the door. I could have opened it myself, I still had my keycard, but I guessed it would be better to let Kaji handle this. A few seconds after he had knocked, we heard Asuka's voice from the apartment.   
"Kaji-san!"   
So, she seemed to be as infatuated with Kaji as she used to be. That wasn't much of a surprise I guess.   
The red haired girl opened the door, a wide smile on her face. However, the moment she saw me, that smile faded completely.   
"I believe you two have to talk," Kaji said simply as he entered the apartment.   
Both Asuka and I stood still, neither of us daring to make a move, or say a thing. Only when Kaji told us that the living room would be more suitable for a talk did we move. However, once we sat down on, each of us at one side of the low table, we froze again.   
"Well, while you two talk, I believe I'll go take a bath..."   
Hearing that, I nearly panicked. Kaji just gave me a small smile and disappeared into the bathroom. Only then did I again turn my attention to Asuka. Well, here I was now. Shouldn't I ask the question that had been plaguing my mind since that night? How hard could it be?   
Very hard, apparently, as the words kept dying in my mouth. Each time I was about to do something, the visions of the dreams that I kept having at night came to my mind, putting a stop to any attempt to speak. What would be the use anyway? She would just laugh at me. But... as I looked at her... The Asuka I had before me was nothing like the one I dreamed about. This Asuka just stared at the floor, not knowing what to say, not daring to look at me. This was not an Asuka I knew...   
"Why?" I finally managed to say.   
Thank God! Okay, now the ice was broken, the ball in her court. Asuka took her time before answering. She seemed very nervous. A few times she seemed about to say something but stopped, biting her lip. It was an unusual sight.   
"I... I... I didn't know what else to do... I... I didn't intend things to go that way. When... when I said I wanted Touji and Hikari to get together... I really meant it! That was my goal at first. But quickly... I... I realized the possibilities. Once those two would get together... that would mean... that we would be left on our own. Alone. Without Misato or Rei to interfere. Just a moment for us... only us."   
"So we could have sex without them knowing!" I shouted, unable to keep calm, not even taking the time to fully analyze what she had just said.   
Asuka shook her head.   
"No! I didn't think about that! I swear! It just... I feared that night... that it wouldn't last! We would have a good time, then the weekend would be over... and then... then... we would be back here in Tokyo-3 and... the next day... you... you... would be back in her arms! Like you always do!"   
Those words struck home. I finally made the connection I had failed to see. As I saw tears flowing freely from her eyes, I felt her pain in my heart.   
"Do you realize how much it hurts?!" she continued, slightly shaking as if she were about to burst into tears. "Do you know how it feels to hold you, at night, knowing that the next day you'll hold her in your arms instead of me?! Do you know how I feel when we're eating together at school and that you look at HER instead of me?! I... I... I was desperate... I knew that... in the long run... I'd lose you. I'm only good at piloting EVA... That's the only thing I can do and I'm not even the best at that anymore. Her... she cooks like a chef... while I barely know how to make instant. She cleans, does the laundry, her apartment always sparkles... here, I expect you to do all those chores and my room is a mess. She's good at school... do you know that she's our class's top student, even though she misses half the classes? I can barely keep up because I can't understand all the kanji... me... a college graduate... how pathetic..."   
There before me, from this girl who'd never shown anything but self assuredness, was a catalogue of failures. I couldn't believe it. Asuka was the toughest person I knew, and definitely the most stubborn. I'd never seen anything but self confidence emanate from her, and hearing her words drove home just how much I expected it. More than expected, because in its own way I'd found her arrogance comforting. I know it sounds strange, but seeing the imperious way she acted, I secretly hoped that one day I might be able to deal with my doubts the same way. To have that kind of courage.   
And now I watched as she did a wonderful job of tearing herself apart. I'd thought once before that she was a lot like me, by pushing people away... but I'd never imagined this. It was distressing to find out how much we really were alike.   
I was living one of my worst nightmare. As I had feared, my indecision had hurt one of them. I felt really ashamed of myself. It... it was all my fault. All of it. I was the one to blame. Like always, I was the source of my own misery. But I had blamed her... I had been mean to her. I even hated her. And now... whatever self-esteem I had began to shrink at an exponential rate.   
If it was possible, Asuka's expression darkened. It felt as if a knife had suddenly been thrust into my heart.   
"If it was only that... but... she's nice to you. She takes care of you. I'd bet she'd do anything you'd want her to do! She'd probably die for you if she had to! And she's almost as beautiful as me!"   
The tone of her voice dropped. It suddenly felt almost empty. All you could feel from it was despair. As I watched, she seemed to shrink in on herself. She wrapped her arms around her chest tightly and drew her legs up.   
"But worse... she loves you and isn't afraid to show it. So, tell me Shinji... how can I expect to win against her? I have no chance... no chance at all... so I thought... that if we shared something you two didn't have yet... maybe you would... It was a stupid idea."   
"Asuka..."   
Her face was now bowing low, her eyes, partially hidden by her red hair, were closed.   
I didn't know what to say. I felt overwhelmed by Asuka's words. So she truly loved me?   
"I can't blame you for choosing her. Anybody with the slightest bit of common sense would make that choice."   
"Asuka... I..."   
She interrupted me. Well, sort of. I really wasn't sure of what I wanted to say. What could I say? Even if she truly loved me, I still had feelings for Rei.   
"Don't worry Shinji. So far, I've lived on my own, by my own, only for me, only for my own values and my own satisfaction. I don't need you, or anyone else for that matter. I... I don't want to be lonely anymore. If I could... I'd rather be with you then be alone. But it's too late now. And besides... half of your heart is not enough. If I can't have you all to myself, then I'd rather not have you at all..."   
"Asuka..."   
She raised her head and looked at me. I could see sadness in her eyes, yet there was something else. It almost seemed as if she suddenly felt at peace. A hint of a smile appeared on her face, a kind of smile I had never seen before. Despite the situation, the only thought that crossed my mind at that moment was that I had never seen anything as beautiful before.   
"It's okay. I can manage on my own. You be happy with Rei... Shinji... I... I love you..."   
This said, all that remained of her strength collapsed and she retreated to her room.   
She had just said that she loved me... she loved me...   
I wanted to go after her, but a strong hand grabbed my shoulder. I was surprised to see Kaji, still in his clothes and his hair obviously dry. Apparently, he didn't took that bath after all.   
"Leave her alone for now. She needs time to think. You need some too. You shouldn't make the same mistake you did before and make rash decisions again."   
While my heart commanded me to go after her, I understood his words. I nodded and Kaji released his hold on me. Then, a wide grin appeared on his previously serious face.   
"Well, well... I didn't expect her to actually say it. If things weren't so complicated, I'd congratulate you, Shinji-kun. Not just anybody can claim that girl's heart. So, what will you do now?"   
I didn't know. I really didn't know. More then ever, my thoughts were a mess.   
"Go to school tomorrow, I guess. Then, we'll see what happens..."   
I was about to leave, but suddenly changed my mind. I wasn't sure that facing Rei now was a good idea.   
"Kaji-san? Would you mind if I stayed here tonight. I think I could use a bit more advice..."   
"I don't know if I can be of further help, but I will enjoy your company, Shinji-kun."   
"Thank you..."   
  


* * *

Part 3: The Fourth Children

It was still early in the morning when I left Misato's apartment for Rei's. I had wanted to leave the apartment before Asuka would be up and I wanted to get to school early. That way, I could at least avoid Asuka until there. Now, with everything cleared up, I knew I had no reason to try and avoid her. However, I felt uncomfortable with what she had told me.   
She loved me.   
But she told me to be happy with Rei.   
This was so confusing. Did... did she really love me that much? So much that my own happiness was more important to her then hers? But... did she really love me? This could be another trick... I drove those thoughts out of my head. Those tears I had seen were real. She wouldn't have cried if she had wanted to trick me. She wouldn't have seemed so hurt inside. No... her feelings were genuine. But... what were mine exactly? How did I feel about her now? And how did it compare to my feelings for Rei?   
I sighed in frustration. How did things get so complicated?   
Oh, yeah... because I made the stupid decision of trying to date both of them...   
A surprise was waiting for me when I entered Rei's apartment. Rei was up, already in her school uniform, finishing setting up the table for breakfast.   
"Your bath is ready, Shinji. By the time you are finished, your meal will be waiting for you."   
For a few seconds, I stared, eyes wide.   
"I have surmised that you would want to possibly avoid Sohryu this morning, so I prepared everything for you."   
Was I so predictable? In any case, this was a sweet thought. I smiled at her.   
"Thank you, Rei-chan."   
Happy, her face softened and she smiled back.   
"Go take your bath. You can explain to me what happened yesterday night while eating."   
I nodded and walked toward the bathroom. Minutes later, I came back clean and wearing fresh clothes. I then proceeded to explain everything to her between a few bites. While she didn't seem to react much, I could tell that Rei wasn't pleased with these latest turns of events. I had gotten better at reading her expressions in the last few days. I didn't expect her reaction however.   
"Please... stay."   
"Uh?" I said, confused.   
"I know that when you came here, it was to avoid her. Now, you do not have any reason to avoid her anymore. Still... I am asking you to stay here... with me. This... this... is... the... the first request I have ever made in my life. Please... stay with me..."   
Here, right before me, was Rei... pleading for me to stay with her... Rei... a girl I believed even stronger willed than Asuka...   
"These last days... you were happy, were you? Why leave? So... please..."   
She looked so fragile... so beautiful.... I... I simply couldn't refuse. And I owed her. She had been there when I had needed her the most. I just couldn't leave like that. Otherwise, it would be as if I had only been using her. Like my father used everyone.   
"I... I'll stay with you, Rei-chan..."   
I wasn't sure it was a good idea. But then again, here or at Misato's... both places would make any choice difficult.   
_"If I can't have you all to myself, then I'd rather not have you at all..."_   
At least Rei wanted me here. It was probably for the best after all...   
Then, why did it feel like I was betraying Asuka? Why did I feel this dull ache? Was there anyway I could ever be happy?   
"Shin-chan!"   
She took my hand into hers and held it tightly. I guessed that she would likely have hugged me if a table hadn't been between us. She looked so happy... it made me feel so good. Yes, that was for the best. I would stay here... with Rei. Smiling, I got up and took her in my arms. She held me tightly. I was surprised to hear a faint sob. Was she so happy that she was crying? As I looked at her face, I dried two lonely tears with a finger. Then, we kissed. Not a deep kiss, but rather a soft, tender one.   
The guilt I had felt almost instantly vanished.   
  


- - -

  
Life is ironic. That morning, Rei and I tried to leave early to avoid Asuka. What did I see when exiting her apartment? Asuka, coming out of Misato's. We both froze upon seeing each other, Asuka as much surprised as me. It seemed that she wanted herself to avoid me. For a second, I wondered if this situation wasn't a consequence of our synchronization training.   
"Shinji..." said Asuka as I spoke her name myself. Yes, definitely some side effect of our synchronization training.   
An awkward silence followed.   
"We should leave if we want to be on time," said Rei, apparently deciding to take the situation into her hands.   
Without a word, we rode the elevator downstairs, then headed on our way to school. This lasted probably five minutes until Asuka finally broke the silence.   
"Wonder Girl..."   
We all stopped walking. As Asuka seemed tense, I deduced that she had something to say. Something probably related to what had happened the night before. Rei looked at her, an odd annoyed look on her face.   
"Shinji chose to be with you. Fine, I can live with that..." As she spoke, Asuka gained back her confidence. "But you better watch out, Wonder Girl! If I feel that Shinji's unhappy, I'll take him back!"   
For a moment, Rei just stared at Asuka, without reacting. Then she answered. I must say it was totally unexpected. Before replying, I could swear I saw an evil grin on her face.   
"Do not worry, Demon Girl. Shinji will be happy with me. I will not harass him, nor will I take advantage of him and certainly will not do anything to hurt him... like someone else did."   
I gasped at Rei's words. She acted so... so... Asuka-like. No, even worse... this... this wasn't my Rei...   
I expected Asuka to be offended by those words, but instead, she turned her head away, as if she could't stand Rei's gaze.   
"I see. Forgive me... Ayanami. Take care of him."   
I couldn't believe my ears. Asuka was... apologizing... to Rei? Did I just miss something important here?   
"Well, don't want to be late for school..."   
This said, Asuka ran away. I just stared at her departing figure, confused.   
"I just made sure that she understood that she should not bother us anymore. And I also showed her how unpleasant it can be to be called names," Rei tried to explain, noticing my confusion.   
"Still... I don't understand how she could give up so easily..."   
"Because of you."   
Because of me?   
"Come, we should go."   
Without really thinking, I followed her.   
  


- - -

  
I didn't know what to make of this new situation. Again, without much protest, Asuka had just accepted my relationship with Rei. But what exactly was my relationship with Rei? Thankfully, we got to school quickly enough, so I managed to put those thoughts aside for the moment. As both Rei and I took our places, I noticed in amazement that we were actually the first to arrive. Strange, where was Asuka?   
Soon, other students came. Most of then, I didn't know. They were just familiar faces, nothing more. I smiled as Hotaru came through the door. I frowned when I noticed a short brown haired girl; Kuno Minami. For a few seconds, I mentally debated about telling her about the displeasure I felt concerning her bets. I was getting close to gather the courage to face her when suddenly I noticed someone walking toward her desk. Asuka.   
"Hey! Kuno!"   
The brown haired girl raised her head from her laptop to look at the redhead. A slight grin appeared on her face, almost as if she had just spotted a defenceless prey. Which was quite odd, since I knew that Asuka was anything but defenceless.   
"What can I do for you, Asuka-chan?"   
"Here."   
Without saying more, Asuka pulled out a wad of yen from a pocket and handed it to the girl. She seemed a bit surprised for a mere second, then her eyes narrowed and her grin widened as she took the bills.   
"What for?"   
"Cause I lost the bet," simply said Asuka as walked toward her own desk.   
These were simple words, but they had an enormous impact. It only took a few moments before all eyes were focused on me and Rei. Our increasing blushes answered everyone unspoken question.   
"My God! It's true!   
"What?"   
"Whaaaaaaaa... I'm ruined..."   
"Shinji you lucky dog!"   
"I knew it! I knew it!   
"Does this mean we can date Sohryu now?"   
"So did you two do it?"   
"I'm soooo jealous!"   
"Damn you, Ayanami!   
"Ikari! You bastard!"   
Half of the class had gathered around my desk, the other around Rei's. However, Rei used her usual emotionless act and just ignored everyone to stare outside the window, so everyone turned toward me. I just tried to tune out all those voices as well as Rei seemed to do. Not paying attention to my classmates, I noticed Hikari entering the class. It immediately struck me as odd. Hikari was always one of the first students to arrive, not the last. And that expression on her face... she seemed... worried. Something was wrong, usually Hikari was very cheerful, except when she was acting as the Class Representative. From the look on Asuka's face, I could tell that she too found Hikari's behavior out of the ordinary.   
Quickly, the girl observed the whole classroom. Then, she looked in my direction. It almost seemed as if her eyes were locked on me. As she walked toward my desk, I expected her to tell everyone to behave and go sit at their places. She completely ignored the other students, in fact, she shoved a few of them aside in order to reach me. She almost looked... desperate.   
"All of you. Return to your places. Now."   
Everyone in the room seemed to freeze in astonishment. Rei had just addressed the whole class, something that never happened before, as far as anyone could recall. While her words had been said in a very normal tone of voice, they had as much impact as if Hikari had been shouting orders. Without a word, everyone left, leaving me alone with Hikari. Obviously, Rei had noticed as well that Hikari had a problem.   
"Horaki-inchou, can I...?"   
"Ikari-kun! Have you seen Touji?!"   
Touji? Why would Hikari be this worried over Touji? Did... did something happen? Now it was my turn to be worried. Strangely, I noticed that Rei had gasped when she heard his name and for a moment, she seemed perturbed, before hiding everything behind her usual cold expression. What was going on here?   
"Everyone! Out! Now!" shouted Asuka.   
Apparently, our classmates had become very interested in hearing Hikari's question. However, fear of the Legendary Wrath of Asuka Langley was enough for most to forget about their curiosity. The others were almost literally kicked out by the said Langley.   
"This seems serious, so we may as well do without all the gossip," said Asuka in a severe tone. "We've got a few minutes before Sensei shows up. So Hikari, what's the problem?"   
"Touji... Touji disappeared..."   
"Disappeared?"   
"Yes... I... I can't find him anywhere... he's not home... he's not at the hospital... Kensuke hasn't seen him since school yesterday. Ikari-kun... did you see him this morning?"   
"No... but... you know... Touji always gets here late. He'll probably show up..."   
"But..."   
"Is there's something you're not telling us, Hikari-chan?" asked Asuka, her eyes narrowed by suspicion.   
"Well..."   
Quickly, Hikari turned completely red.   
"When is the last time you saw Touji?" asked the redhead, still with an inquiring expression on her face.   
"Er... well... maybe... maybe... around... one... one in the morning..."   
"One in the morning?!" I gasped. "What were you two doing together at such an hour?"   
Asuka groaned.   
"Dummkopf! [(*)][7] Really Shinji... just look at the way she's blushing. I'm sure even _you_ could guess what they were doing together..."   
Quickly, the gears in my brain went into work. Then, the answered appeared, amazing me by it's simplicity. I quickly felt my cheeks burning, as I understood the implications and constructed many scenarios in my mind.   
"Oh!"   
An awkward silence followed. If possible, Hikari's blush increased.   
"He... he came to my place last night... I wasn't expecting him. He... he didn't look well... he looked... worried. When I asked, he told me everything was all right, but I didn't believe him. I... I hugged him... I wanted him to feel that I was there... for him. And then... one thing led to another...   
I really wasn't sure I wanted to listen to that. But Hikari seemed to need to talk about it. So I just continued to listen.   
"We... we had decided to wait... for a while. I was scared and wasn't sure I wanted that. But... it felt so good... feeling him so close. And I wanted him to feel better..."   
I tried to hide my surprise. I was sure those two had done it back at the lake...   
"So you...?" asked Asuka.   
Hikari nodded. Both Rei's and Asuka's interest in Hikari's story seemed to increase.   
"When... when I woke up... he was gone... without a word. It... it's not like him to do something like that. So... so I tried to find him... but I couldn't... I'm... I'm so worried! What... what if... what if he never liked me? What if he only wanted to...? And now that we..."   
"No way!" I said firmly. "Touji isn't like that and you know it."   
"Yeah. You told me yourself it was his gentle side that you loved," agreed Asuka.   
Hikari nodded and wiped a few tears. Rei put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a small smile.   
"Do not worry. I am sure everything is fine. Maybe he had something important to do and forgot to tell you."   
"You... you think so?"   
"He is strong willed. Nothing will go wrong."   
Both Asuka and I eyed Rei curiously. Something was odd here. Rei had talked as if... she knew something. But if she did, why didn't she say it? I gave her an inquiring look. She just smiled, then walked back to her desk. Soon she had returned to gazing at the view through the window.   
"Rei..." I whispered.   
An unsettling thought selfishly pushed Hikari's problems out of my mind. Could Rei really... hide something from me?   
Soon, our classmates came back. I noticed that Kensuke was among them. He looked really depressed. This got me worried, but before I could ask what was going on our sensei arrived and classes began. As Hotaru had said, this sensei's classes were not focussed on Second Impact, so I found myself so busy trying to follow that I couldn't find the time to talk to Kensuke through our school internal mail. Guess I would have to talk to him at lunch time. I looked at Touji's desk. Empty. Were Hikari's worries genuine? I tried not to think about this for now and listen to Sensei. Didn't I have enough problems of my own? Why should I worry about my friends problems as well? I groaned. Why was life so complicated?   
  


- - -

Seeing that Rei and Asuka were taking care of Hikari during lunch time, I decided to join Kensuke. He had isolated himself, looking as depressed as when he entered the class. Not really knowing how to approach him, I opted for asking a straight question.   
"What's wrong Kensuke?"   
The boy barely raised his head to acknowledge my presence.   
"It's not fair! Why, Shinji? Why didn't they choose me as the pilot of Evangelion Unit-03?"   
"Uh?"   
I stared, confused.   
"Evangelion... Unit-03? There's no Unit-03..."   
This brought Kensuke back to life.   
"What to you mean, no Unit-03? It arrived from the United States yesterday! They'll be doing the activation tests at the Second Experiment Installation in Matsushiro today! Don't tell me you don't know!"   
A fourth EVA unit... Well, that would explain why Kensuke was feeling so down.   
"No... I didn't know... I haven't been talking much with anyone lately. Hey? Matsushiro you say? So that's why Misato's had to go there!"   
An activation test. Maybe that's why Misato had been avoiding me the other day. Maybe she was afraid I might get worried. After all, Unit-00's first test did result in Rei getting hurt. Still...   
"I'm so jealous," said Kensuke. "I wonder who's gonna pilot it? Touji, maybe? He's absent today..."   
I stared in disbelief at Kensuke's comment.   
"Touji? No way! Nobody would give him an EVA!"   
Touji? Piloting an EVA? No way! I knew that even if he had forgiven me, he still hated the EVAs for hurting his sister. He would never ride one. And unlike Kensuke, he seemed to have understood that piloting EVA only brought pain...   
"It probably had a pilot already, like Unit-02," I added, although I really didn't know about that. "Probably some American guy..."   
Kensuke went back to his depressive state. Damn!   
"Makes sense..."   
I had to try to cheer him up a bit...   
"I'm sure the guy isn't as good as you would have been."   
"You think so?"   
"I'm sure." I lied.   
Evangelion Unit-03. Why didn't anybody tell me?   
  


- - -

As we came back from lunch, I noticed that Rei was clearly agitated. Instead of looking at the window, she just kept glancing at our class clock every five minutes. Asuka seemed to notice Rei's odd behavior as well, as she gave her a strange look. Rei either didn't see it or simply ignored her.   
Suddenly, our classes were interrupted by the ringing of three cell phones. Everyone froze and looked at us EVA pilots. Asuka seemed excited as she picked up her phone. Surprisingly, Rei seemed uneasy. She just glanced at the clock for a few second before finally picking up her phone, her hand shaking. I did the same thing, but I didn't really need to do it to know what was going on. A loud siren soon confirmed it. An Angel...   
  


- - -

We were quickly picked up from school and rushed to NERV, then to our lockers. As we rode the elevator that would lead us to the EVA, I could hear Asuka muttering something like "This time I'll kill it..." as if it was a mantra, before running toward Unit-02. Unlike Asuka, Rei walked out of the elevator calmly, an air of peace on her features. I froze as I tried to make a step forward. For some reason, I couldn't help but have this strong feeling of dread. Something bad was going to happen. I could feel it. Maybe I was just scared, as the events of our last battle came to my mind, but still... the feeling was there.   
Rei walked toward me and put her gloved hand on my shoulder. I looked at her and saw a worried look on her face.   
"I can't help but to think that..."   
"Do not worry," said the girl, cutting me off. "Sohryu and I will take care of it."   
I could now see determination on her face.   
"But if..."   
"Then do not hesitate. Whatever happens, fight our enemy. You must. Please... take care of yourself..."   
Her lips brushed against mine. Then, she was gone.   
_"Whatever happens, fight our enemy."_   
Those words... it sounded as if she already knew what we would be up against. Rei... why those secrets?   
  


- - -

"An accident at Matsushiro?" I gasped. "But... Misato's there! What...?"   
"Contact has not been restored yet," Rei said simply.   
My God! Then we didn't know if... No, I didn't want to think about it. Misato was surely all right.   
"So... what... what shall we do?"   
Asuka's image appeared. Naturally, she seemed annoyed.   
"What are you whining about? We don't have time to worry!"   
"But we have to fight the Angel on our own..."   
We always had relied on Misato's orders. Without her to guide us, I felt... lost. As if I was asked to fight that Angel with a blindfold.   
"Commander Ikari is taking direct command for now."   
"The Commander is...?   
Father was going to lead us. The feeling of dread I had felt before came back stronger than ever.   
  


- - -

Inside the entry plug, I waited for our orders, now that we had all taken position. Curiously, I was designated as the last EVA to intercept the Angel, so it meant it would have to get through both Unit-02 and Unit-00 to reach me. That was odd. It was the first time I was assigned as backup.   
Over the comm, I heard both Shigeru's and Makoto's voices.   
"The target is approaching."   
"All units, stand by for ground battle."   
I gasped as I saw the said target on the viewing screen. There was no way to mistake the shape. It was an EVA...   
"What? No way... an Angel? You mean that's an Angel?"   
"Correct. That's the target." I cringed as I heard my father's voice.   
"The target? But... it's an EVA, isn't it?"   
Could it be... the Evangelion Unit-03 Kensuke had talked about? It would explain the accident at Matsushiro...   
"Gott im Himmel! [(*)][8] I can't believe it! Was it taken over by an Angel?"   
Asuka sounded slightly worried. I couldn't blame her, I felt the same. Then, suddenly, a disturbing thought occurred to me.   
"Is it piloted by a kid, just like the other units? Someone my age?"   
That was a disturbing question. If someone was inside, what should we do?   
"What?!" exclaimed Asuka "You think it's piloted by someone? What the..."   
I heard her scream just before all communications with her EVA ceased.   
"Asuka? Asuka!"   
I was really worried   
"Eva Unit-02 was silenced completely," announced Makoto.   
"Pilot has ejected. Salvage crew is on the way."   
Thank God! She was all right!   
"The target is moving toward Unit-00."   
Unit-00... Rei...   
This time, it's my father's voice I heard over the comm.   
"Rei, avoid close combat, and stop the target."   
"Hai." [(*)][9]   
A few silent seconds passed. Nothing. Then I heard my father again.   
"Rei. Fire on the target."   
"I... I cannot."   
What the...? Rei was actually disobeying one of Father's orders?   
"Rei!"   
Through the comm, I heard Rei scream. I felt anxious. Not Rei too! Silently, I hoped that she would be all right.   
_"Do not worry. Sohryu and I will take care of it."_   
She had seemed pretty sure of herself. She probably would be okay.   
But Asuka had been easily defeated...   
After some time, I heard Maya's voice.   
"Mid-level damage to Unit-00, and the pilot has been injured."   
"Rei!"   
My heart was racing. Rei was injured! I clenched my teeth. That goddamn Angel! It would pay!   
But... the enemy was also an EVA. My anger died down as fast as it came.   
"The target is approaching," said the Commander. "Contact within 20 seconds. Take care of it."   
"You say it's the target, but isn't there a person inside?" I asked, although I wasn't sure if I was asking the Commander or myself. "A kid my age?"   
I stared at the black EVA as it came closer and closer. My finger was ready to hit the weapons trigger, but my hands just kept shaking. I couldn't do it. I couldn't attack it without being sure if someone was inside or not...   
Suddenly, it jumped at me. The speed of the attack took me by surprise. Before I knew it, my EVA was lying on the ground. As my EVA stood up, I got a good view of the other EVA's back. There, I saw it: a white entry plug, apparently stuck with a weird bluish substance.   
"An entry plug! There's someone inside it!"   
The black EVA was still on the ground on all fours when suddenly, its arms extended to an unbelievable length and its arms caught Unit-01's neck. Unit-01 was lifted off the ground, then thrown over a hill. Then, Unit-03 squeezed.   
It was an odd feeling. I felt an almost unbearable pain. I had trouble breathing. But still, I somehow stayed calm, just staring that the black EVA.   
"Shinji, why don't you fight?" asked the Commander   
"There's a person inside, I think."   
"It doesn't matter. It's an Angel. Our Enemy."   
"But I can't do it. I have to save the pilot! I can't kill a human!"   
How could he expect me to kill someone else? What kind of monster was he?   
"You will die."   
"I don't care! It's better than killing someone!"   
Suddenly, everything went dark. The pain and pressure against my throat died down. This could mean only one thing: they had cut my synchronization with the EVA.   
I wondered... what happens next?   
I was startled as red light flooded the interior of the entry plug. An odd whirring sound filled the air, much like the turning of a turbine engine. My head swung around at the sound of a computer terminal switching on. But I couldn't really see anything.   
"What the hell are you doing, Father?!"   
I knew I had sworn to myself not to call him that ever again, but in situations like these, you often forget such details.   
Then, to my surprise, I felt the EVA move. Slowly, I saw it raise its arms, then it grabbed Unit-03's neck, the same way it was holding Unit-01's. Then it started squeezing. Quickly, it became obvious that Unit-03 was suddenly losing the battle against Unit-01. Then, suddenly, in a sickeningly sound, Unit-03's neck snapped. I stared, horrified, as I watched its head roll limply forward and its arms fall from Unit-01's neck to hang loosely by its sides, like a lifeless, broken puppet.   
A single thought came to my mind. The pilot! If I had felt the pain while Unit-03 was squeezing Unit-01's neck, then what had just happened to the pilot... could he... my God! No!   
But this was only the beginning of the horror. For a few seconds, Unit-01 squeezed even harder on the other unit's neck, then it twisted itself around and slammed Unit-03 on the ground, hard. Furiously, it brought its fist down on the black EVA's head. It literally exploded in a shower of red blood, metal and bones. Teeth flew in one direction, an eye in another. Paralyzed, I just... watched. I don't know how I managed not to be sick at that sight. A single though kept repeating itself in my head in an endless cycle: "The pilot! We're killing the pilot!"   
I only reacted when Unit-01 started to completely dismember it. The shower of blood seemed endless. Arms were forcefully broken and thrown away. Unit-01's fist pounded without rest the other EVA's chest after its armor plate had been pulled out violently, destroying every organ, covering everything with blood. With all my might, I pulled the controls, trying to stop the EVA, but to no avail.   
"Stop it! Father, no! Please stop doing this!"   
No answer. The EVA just kept hitting and hitting and hitting... like a beast hungry for blood and destruction.   
"Damn! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!..."   
I was now crying. Helpless and crying.   
Suddenly, I stopped hearing Unit-01's pounding. With a flicker of hope, I raised my head. But soon hope became utter despair. In it's hand, Unit-01 held the other EVA's entry plug. The white cylinder shook under the pressure of the EVA's fingers.   
"Aaah! Stop it! Make it stop! NOOOO!"   
The gigantic hand clenched shut. LCL poured from the now twisted plug.   
I screamed in horror. If any hope had subsisted, it was now gone. The pilot was dead. I... I... I had killed a human being... I was a murderer. Those hands. The hands of my EVA. My hands. My failure to stop the beast...   
Again, I cried.   
  


- - -

"Shinji..."   
Misato's voice. It took me out of my daze. I was still crying, but my brain refused to think. I couldn't... if I did... my God! What have I done?!   
"Misato-san... you're okay..."   
Part of me felt relieved. Only a small part of me. The other part was still obsessed with what had just occurred.   
"I... I'm sorry. I... I had to tell you something important, but..."   
She sounded weak. And she did truly sound sorry. But I barely noticed.   
"Misato-san, I've... a person... I've killed... my father... I begged him not to..."   
"Shinji, I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."   
Over the comm, I noticed Maya's voice.   
"Report from the entry plug salvage crew. Survival of the pilot confirmed!"   
These words hit me hard. Alive! I raised my head, full of hope. Alive! So I hadn't killed the pilot!   
"He's alive?!"   
Over the comm, Misato continued what she seemed to be struggling to say.   
"The pilot of Unit-03 is... the 4th Children is...   
I looked down at the twisted form of the entry plug. Indeed, something seemed to be removed of it. I zoomed the image. My heart stopped...   
A boy... a boy in a dark plugsuit... a boy I knew well...   
"Touji?"   
I think Misato started to call my name over and over again. I'm not sure.   
I stared at the boy. He looked hurt. And the content of the entry plug. It was red. Not yellow as LCL, but red. Red as blood.   
Touji... Touji!   
I screamed. Then my mind went blank.   
  


- - -

Why? Why Touji? Why did he have to be hurt. This was a question that I kept asking myself. I tried to ask Father too, but I was denied an answer. Even as I threatened to destroy HQ, the only answer he gave me was knocking me out by increasing the pressure within the entry plug. I awoke in the infirmary, then was escorted into a prison cell. I stayed there for a while, until I was escorted to my father's office. No, the Commander's office, I mentally corrected. My father had died a long time ago...   
I regretted the fact that my hands were held behind my back by handcuffs. As I looked at him, I would have liked to put those hands around his throat, as he had forced my EVA's hands to strangle Touji's. It wouldn't matter much. I had came close to killing Touji. Who knows, maybe he had died at the hospital. So, why should another murder matter? But it wouldn't really be a murder. He was after all more a monster then a human being.   
The Commander spoke.   
"Disobeying orders. Personal occupation of an EVA. Crude intimidation. These are all criminal acts. Do you have anything you want to say?"   
Oh, there was a lot a wanted to say. A lot. Countless insults came to mind, a few in German, thanks to Asuka's influence. But I kept quiet. It would be a wasted effort. The man didn't care. He didn't care about anything.   
"I won't pilot EVA ever again."   
"Very well then. Leave."   
I nodded. Then, against my better judgment, I asked the question that plagued my mind since I saw the broken entry plug.   
"Why him?"   
The Commander surprised my by answering.   
"Because it was convenient."   
The son of a bitch! If looks could kill, I would have killed him a thousand times over. Without waiting for the security agents' indications, I turned around and left.   
"You are running away again. You disappoint me. I assume we won't meet again."   
"For your sake, we'd better not," I said, my seriousness surprising myself.   
Ikari Gendo... how I had wished to see you dead.   
  


- - -

Lying on my bed in Misato's apartment, I stared at the ceiling. What now? What could I do? What would happen? If I didn't pilot EVA, then my purpose here had come to an end. I no longer worked for NERV. I was not sure I could be allowed to live here or at Rei's. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay here either. This place reminded me too much of NERV... the EVAs... Touji...   
Touji... Misato had told me that he had been saved and he even had regained consciousness. But he had been badly hurt. His left arm and leg... [(3)][10] too damaged... they had to... no! Dammit! Dammit! NO! Silently, I felt the tears slowly soaking my cheeks again. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair! Touji did not deserve this.   
I would have wanted to shut my mind off. But I couldn't. Instead, it was spinning with images and memories.   
I saw Touji, glaring at me for hurting his sister.   
Unit-01's fist descended, the black skull cracking under the force.   
There was Touji, demanding I go all out and hit him.   
The spray of blood from a torn leg painted a building with a gruesome arc.   
Touji, bugging me about looking at Rei in her swim suit.   
Unit-03, the final shudder as its neck collapsed.   
The blood rushing to his face as Hikari shyly presented him with her chocolates for Valentine's day.   
The blood rushing free from the neck of Unit-03, trying to feed the decapitated head.   
My best friend drooling over Misato when she leaned over to pick up a file from the floor.   
Internal parts, like intestines, tossed carelessly over a traffic light. From them a liquid dripped down to the street, turning the ground red.   
Touji, giving me a friendly smile.   
Broken bones, pieces of metal, shredded scarlet flesh; the remains of Unit-03.   
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. I ignored it. I didn't want to see anybody. Almost silently, the door slid open.   
Out of the corner of my eye, It was her. Rei...   
"Shinji."   
Her voice seemed neutral, but I knew that she felt uneasy. Good. She had reasons to be.   
"Why?" I asked. "You knew, didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?"   
"It would not have changed anything. You did all you could do to protect him. Knowing who was the pilot would not have changed the outcome."   
I promptly sat up and gave her a hard glare.   
"That's not what I mean! You knew before, did you? You knew when Hikari came to me that morning, looking for him, did you?"   
"Yes."   
"Since when?"   
"Monday. Since he was chosen as the Fourth."   
I felt my anger rise. My hands clenched into fists.   
"Why?! Why didn't you tell me, dammit?!"   
"It would have worried you. I... I did not want to add this to your pain."   
I jumped to my feet and without thinking, grabbed her shoulders with all the strength I could and slammed her hard against a wall. While she hadn't reacted, the tears that fell from her eyes attested that it had hurt. But I didn't care. I didn't really realize what I had just done.   
"Dammit, Rei! You should have told me! I... I could have convinced him not to pilot! Touji... Touji knew... he knew how much pain EVA can bring... he would have understood... you... you hypocrite! You're no better then Asuka! While you were saying that you wouldn't hurt me, you kept that secret all to yourself. You're no better than her!"   
"I... I am sorry..." said Rei, tears in her eyes, still a bit dazed from the impact against the wall.   
"This doesn't change anything!" I yelled. Rei seemed to shudder in fear.   
"Even if I had wanted to..." Rei tried to explain, "Commander... Commander Ikari... had ordered me... not to tell you..."   
Father! The mention of his name only increased my rage...   
"I don't give a damn about that bastard's orders! He's not God! He can go to hell for all I care! Is it how it'll always be? Will you always choose him over me?"   
Confusion and pain showed all over the girl's face as she tried to answer.   
"I... I..."   
"Do you care more about him than me? Just say it, you don't really love me, do you?"   
"No!"   
It came out as a strangled cry. Tears poured down freely in her satin white skin. I didn't give a damn.   
"Then why... why didn't you tell me? WHY?"   
"He would not... have changed his mind. His sister... NERV promised to take care of his sister..."   
His sister... He did this for his sister...   
I felt suddenly weak. I might have fallen if Rei had not caught me. She dragged me back to the bed.   
My fault. It was all my fault.   
"It's my fault... I failed to take control of the EVA... Father... my hands... he used me to harm Touji. And now... you say he piloted because of his sister? It's... it's all my fault! If I hadn't hurt his sister in the first place, none of this would have happened! Touji wouldn't have piloted! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"   
Rei took me into her arms. But for the first time ever, her touch didn't bring me any comfort.   
"It is not your fault. Suzuhara's sister was hurt because she neglected to reach a shelter and because your EVA went berserk. You had no power over this. Nor did you have the power to stop Unit-01 from destroying the Thirteenth Angel. It is not your fault..."   
I stood up, freeing myself from Rei's embrace.   
"You don't get it, do you? It's my fault! If I had acted differently... if I had been willing to fight against the Third Angel instead of being frozen in fear... if I had tried to stop Unit-03, maybe pull the entry plug out..."   
Rei shook her head.   
"You could not. Unit-03 acted too fast. You would have had to fight back... and it would have brought the same result."   
"You don't know that!"   
Rei bowed her head for a moment, then she raised it again. I could see fear in her eyes. She was shaking. She tried to speak, and almost failed, but still managed to say a few words.   
"If... if you need someone to blame... blame me..."   
I gave her a confused look, not understanding what she meant.   
"What do you mean?"   
She just lowered her head, unable to look at me.   
"Answer!" I shouted as I grabbed her shoulders again and shook her.   
"The data... the data from the system that took over... the dummy plug system... it... it came from me... so in essence... it... it was I... who fought against Unit-03..."   
"You?"   
This killing frenzy... this hunger for blood and destruction... Rei? Such a thought... I couldn't handle that thought. Not able to look at her, I exited the room. I was about to leave the apartment, run away from Rei, when I almost bumped into Hikari as I opened the door. I stared at her in disbelief.   
"Ikari-kun!"   
Then, she burst into tears.   
"Ikari! They... they won't tell me anything! I've learned from his father that Touji was hurt in the last Angel attack, but nobody knows any more then that! He's not even at the hospital! I'm... I'm so worried..."   
I froze as I heard her words. I looked at her. The fear and hurt in her eyes... the tears... Then, before I knew what was going on, she was in my arms and crying again my shoulder. This sent me over the edge. I didn't think about anything, I just reacted. I pushed her away, as if she was some sort of monster. Then I ran. I ran away.   
I couldn't face her. Not her. Not knowing that I had hurt Touji. That I had tried to kill him. That because of me, he would never walk again like any other man would. I had almost killed... the man she loved.   
I ran, without knowing where I was going.   
  


- - -

I was standing on a small hill outside Tokyo-3, looking at this city. This accursed city. Because of it, my friend had been hurt. I didn't want to do anything with it. But... I didn't want to leave either. I... I had nowhere else to go. And leave, would mean never seeing Rei or Asuka again.   
Rei... did I really want to see her again.   
_"If... if you need someone to blame... blame me..."_   
I... I just couldn't. As much as I tried, I couldn't. This... this was my responsibility to bear.   
"You are in pain, are you?"   
Startled, I turned around to see a girl my age, bearing a warm smile. She wore a white sundress and her shoulder long white-gray hair flew with the wind. One thing that surprised me was how pale her skin was and the color of her eyes: dark red. Could this girl be related to Rei? I had never seen her before. I shook that idea out of my head. As far as I knew, Rei had no family. It was probably just a coincidence, just someone passing by. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, so I just tried to ignore her.   
"It must be hard on you to know that you could not do anything to save your friend. The human heart is fragile this way."   
I gasped and turned around to face the girl.   
"How... how do you know?"   
"I just do."   
The girl seemed about to leave when she spoke again.   
"Piloting EVA can only bring you pain. The Fourth was only the first to be hurt. The First or Second could be next. You should leave while there is still time. Otherwise, you will be destroyed along with those you love. It would be a shame."   
Who was that girl? What did she mean? Did she mean that Rei and Asuka could also be hurt because of me? Was it possible? If it was, how could she know that?   
"Who are you?"   
The girl just walked away. I thought she wouldn't answer my question when I heard her voice again. Barely, because of the distance, but still, I could hear her.   
"Call me Kaoru... Nagisa Kaoru." [(4)][11]   
  


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 7 - Awakening   
  


- - -

Omake:   
  
- Scene 1 -   
  
Of course, my brain lost to my hormones, so I raised my head. As I suspected, someone was in the lake. A brown haired girl. Hikari I supposed, as she was the only brown haired girl around. Since she wasn't facing me, she hadn't noticed yet that I was staring at her naked back. Of course, with the luck I've had these last weeks, she had to turn around before I could decide to do the same and leave.   
I stared, utterly shocked.   
For a moment, I didn't know whether I should feel surprised, or disgusted. To think I had found her cute... My brain decided to solve this dilemma in a convenient way.   
I fainted.   
"She's a boy..." I muttered before blacking out.   
Poor Touji. When he found out he'd been glomped by a guy...   
  
  
- Scene 2 -   
  
Shinji had cried himself asleep. Softly, Rei caressed his hair. This seemed to work wonders on the boy as his face relaxed. Rei didn't know exactly what had happened, but simple logic suggested that it was related to the camping trip, therefore Asuka. She felt an odd feeling, something she wasn't accustomed to yet. Anger. She felt anger toward the girl who could hurt her Shinji in such a way.   
"Sohryu."   
Just whispering her name gave her a bitter taste in her mouth.   
As the boy snored lightly, she looked around her. She would need to set the room up. It wouldn't take long, but she was reluctant to let the boy go. Then, a thought occurred to her. A chance. She smiled. Had he been awake, Shinji may have been startled by such a wicked smile.   
As she dragged the boy to her room, Ayanami was quite surprised to see that the boy didn't wake up. He was sleeping so soundly... Her smile widened. The boy didn't react either when she lifted him on her bed, nor when she removed his clothes. She stopped at the last item. Her hands were shaking. She didn't know if she should... But the curiosity was too great. She removed it. Her eyes flew wide open. One pale hand flew up to her mouth, covering the lower part of her face. For a long moment there was silence in the small room. Then, despite all her self control, a small sound broke from between her fingers.   
A strangled giggle.   
Before she knew what had hit her, she was laughing loudly, biting down on her fingers in an attempt to keep the mirth from overwhelming her. She couldn't help it. She knew it was bad... but she had to laugh... She had problems comprehending why. For some reason there was a bit of disappointment in her, but it was certainly nowhere near as powerful as the mirth.   
Finally quieting down to a silent chuckle, she wiped away a few tears. Sighing like she was a bit let down, she quietly muttered, "How unfortunate... like father, like son."   
Somewhere in NERV HQ, a blond haired scientist would have agreed.   
  
  
- Scene 3 -   
  
The black Eva was still on all fours when suddenly, its arms extended to an unbelievable length and caught Unit-01 by the neck.   
Unit-01 was lifted off the ground, then slammed into a hill. With fantastic speed, Unit-03 then drew Unit-01's face in close and opened its growling mouth.   
"Shinji!" the black mechanical giant demanded. "Is it true you saw my Hikari naked?!"   
Hearing this, Unit-01, the pride of NERV and mankind's only hope, started to sweat nervously.   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][12]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: mailto:horde@worldgate.ca
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note6_1
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Inchou
   [6]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note6_2
   [7]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Dummkopf
   [8]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Gott_im_Himmel
   [9]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Hai
   [10]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note6_3
   [11]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note6_4
   [12]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap6



	8. Chapter 7 - Awakening

  
Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 7 - Awakening   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Assisted by [Darren Demaine][2]   
Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][3]

Started on June 28th 1999   
First pre-reader draft, Part 1, finished on August 13th 1999   
First pre-reader draft, Part 2, finished on August 27th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft, finished on August 31st 1999   
Final draft, finished on September 10th 1999   
Final revisions on March 13th 2000 

(*) Click to reach the translations notes   
  


* * *

Part 1: A man's choice / I won't run away anymore

The bed was comfortable, but I barely managed to get any sleep. I had spent most of the night staring at this new unfamiliar ceiling. I'm sure I could have slept somewhere other than in a hotel room. I could have asked Kaji or Kensuke to let me in for the night. Misato was ready to let me sleep in my old room until tomorrow. But I didn't want to ask any of them for help. I didn't belong with them anymore.   
The two hours I slept were far from restful. In my dreams, my mind kept replaying what people had already come to call the "Unit-03 accident". However, there was a small, frightening difference: in my dreams, it wasn't Unit-03 that my EVA butchered. It was a giant Touji (nobody ever said dreams always made sense). I woke up screaming and drenched in sweat. I probably woke up the people in the next room as well.   
While my sleep had been invaded by nightmares, my waking hours were plagued by the words of the mysterious grey-hair girl.   
_"Piloting EVA can only bring you pain. The Fourth was only the first to be hurt. The First or Second could be next. You should leave while there is still time. Otherwise, you will be destroyed along with those you love."_   
I didn't know who that girl was. It could just be some demented person. Yet... I couldn't help but think about what she had said. Probably because I knew she was right. If I stayed, I would end up hurting Rei and Asuka just like Touji.   
Kaji had once said that luck was my talent. But your luck can run out sometimes. Twice already I had been basically useless. First with the Twelfth Angel, now with the Thirteenth.   
The fact was.. they didn't need me. With me out of the way, Asuka would not feel the need to show off and be the best. Her results could only improve. And Rei wouldn't have the urge to do something as stupid as trying to protect me like she did with the Fifth Angel. Actually, with me gone, she would probably use Unit-01 in my place. The tests had shown it was possible. Even with the upgrades, Unit-00 remained the less reliable EVA. And also... so far, Unit-01 had somehow... protected me. Now... it could protect Rei. Besides, if I hadn't piloted in her place when the Third Angel had attacked, she would have been Unit-01's pilot. I tried not to think that if I hadn't piloted, she probably would have died.   
Yes, I wasn't needed anymore. They had Rei, they had Asuka, and they had that thing... the dummy plug it was supposed to be called... they didn't need me. I would only get in the way, get them hurt. It was better this way...   
My decision was made. I would leave Tokyo-3 and never return. It was what I had to do, what I should have done a long time ago.   
If so, why did this feel so wrong?   
  


- - -

I couldn't help but shudder as I walked through the too familiar corridors of NERV's infirmary. My only relief laid in the knowledge that this would be the last time I would see those walls. I knew that Misato hoped otherwise. That was probably why she had neither taken my ID card away nor deactivated the access rights I had to this facility. But my decision was final: I no longer had a place here. Fact was... I never had a place here to begin with.   
I watched as the numbers on the doors scrolled by with each step I took. Part of me wished simply to run away. Wouldn't be the first time. But something compelled me to go on. Some morbid obsession perhaps.   
I froze as I reached my destination. Room number 107. I willed my hand to open the door, but it refused to move.   
I... I couldn't do it. But I couldn't leave either.   
God, I hated that.   
Taking a deep breath, I entered the room of Suzuhara Touji.   
With relief, I realized that Touji seemed asleep. His condition had stabilized, but he was still connected to IV units and some monitors. Then I noticed how irregular his form appeared under the bed sheets. I tried to look away, but something deep inside me forced me to look well at those areas where I should have seen the forms of an arm and a leg.   
This was my doing.   
Silently, the tears came.   
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. But as I reached for the door, my whole body froze at the sound of a familiar, but tired and weak, voice.   
"Shinji... came here to apologize... before running away?"   
"Touji!"   
I was reluctant to turn around. But when I did, I did not see the hate-filled gaze I'd expected, but rather, a smiling face. He looked as pale as Rei and he seemed really exhausted. But he was smiling.   
"So?"   
"I won't apologize. What I did is unforgivable."   
"Oh... and... you're going to leave... right?"   
Was I so predictable that everyone always seemed to know what I would do next?   
"Yes."   
He turned his head to look at the ceiling. I realized it must have been quite an effort to look at me.   
"Sohryu's right... you really are... an idiot."   
He spoke, without leaving his eyes of the ceiling. Even though those were said quite flatly, the words hit me.   
"Misato-san came. She... she explained everything to me. Shinji... this wasn't your fault..."   
Misato had talked to Touji?   
"It is! It was my EVA that did this to you!"   
Slightly, he shook his head.   
"You weren't in control..."   
"Doesn't matter..."   
I couldn't stand looking at him anymore. There, in that bed, hurt because of me. He had almost died because of me. I could see it on his face. He had came very close to leaving us. Ashamed, I stared at the floor. We both stayed silent for a long moment.   
"Does that mean I'm a murderer?"   
I stared at him in disbelief. What did he mean?   
"The EVA I was piloting... it... it killed a lot of people at Matsushiro... didn't it? It could also have killed... Rei and Asuka. And... if your father... had not taken that decision... it would have killed you too..."   
"It's not the same!"   
"How so?"   
I... I really didn't know what to answer. I knew that what he had said made sense. But... part of me refused to believe it. I guess... part of me needed to take the blame... because it was the only reason that could justify my decision to run away.   
"Your EVA was taken over by an Angel..." I answered, without much conviction however.   
"Yours... by a computer," replied Touji, simply. "Same thing. We were both stuck... in... 'things'... we couldn't control."   
I knew this was true... but...   
"I could have tried to rescue you instead of just doing nothing and giving up!"   
Yes. This reason would do...   
"How? How do you think you could have done that? That Angel beat the crap... out of both Sohryu and Ayanami... in matter of seconds. It beat you... fairly easily too...   
He had a point. But still...   
I was about to say something when he continued. It seemed he had only paused to catch his breath and gather his thoughts.   
"You've had days to whine about this... did... did you figure out yet a way... you could have... saved me?"   
I had thought about it a lot. Scenarios where I could have saved him had played themselves out through my head. If I'd only done this... if I'd tried that... but... no, I never really managed to find an answer to that question. In shame, I stayed quiet.   
"Thought so." said Touji after a whole minute had passed, seeing that I obviously had no answer to give him.   
"Doesn't matter."   
I would not let him convince me that what had happened was insignificant! I would not! It was my fault, dammit! Why was he so nice to me?!   
"I'm of no use to any one. If I stay here, I'll just end up hurting more people!"   
"No, if you stay... you'll have to face what happened... and that's what you fear... being hurt yourself. If you leave... you'll hurt everyone who cares about you. Misato. Rei. Asuka. Me."   
Damn you Touji! Why did you have to be so bright all of the sudden!   
"Nobody cares..."   
"It's not true and you know it."   
This time, it felt as if Touji was angry. I guess he would have shouted those word, if he hadn't been so weak. The painkillers probably didn't help either. But he again raised his head to look at me. He may have seemed weak, but I could see the fire in his eyes.   
"Rei and Misato... they hid the truth from me..."   
"They didn't want you to be hurt..."   
"I could have stopped you!"   
"No. I had my reasons."   
Strangely, a small smile appeared on his face. He let his head down on his pillow again. It was strange. For a moment, he almost seemed serene.   
"I know... your sister... again, it's my fault..."   
"Don't say that..."   
"But it's true!"   
Touji sighed.   
"I'd hit you... if I could. Don't you understand yet... that I have forgiven you? That Mari doesn't even hold you responsible for what happened? It wasn't your fault. It was those goddamn Angels."   
"I was piloting!"   
"For the first time... without any training... and the stupid thing went berserk... baka..."   
I stared at him, not knowing what to say. Touji simply stared back. All my illusions were fading away, but I wanted them to remain...   
"Fact is... without you that time... we all may have died. My sister's hurt... but she's alive. Like I am..."   
I didn't know what to say. So I just stared at the floor. It was easier than to look at him. I think we stayed like that for a few minutes. I didn't really know what compelled me to stay. Maybe I was just afraid to leave without him telling me that I could go.   
"Shinji... I'll be honest... what happened to me really sucks. But... if loosing an arm and a leg... is the price to pay... so I wouldn't have your... and everyone's death... on my conscience... then it's a good deal. Besides... Misato promised that she would use all of her influence... to get me the best medical attention, financed by NERV. I may be up and walking again before you even know it!"   
Seeing him be so cheerful... No, I couldn't take it. This wasn't what I had expected to happen.   
"Gomen!" [(*)][4]   
This was all I managed to say before running away.   
  


- - -

Once I exited the infirmary, Misato tried one last time to convince me to stay. It seems that she had waited for me to come out. I did my best to tune her out and simply say that my decision was final. I thanked her for all that she had done for me, said my goodbyes and walked away without turning back. I completely ignored her offer to take me to the train station. My business with NERV and all the people I had encountered here was over. I would walk back to the apartment, grab a few things, and go. With any luck, the girls would be at school, so I wouldn't have to say goodbye.   
But was that the right decision?   
Why did I keep questioning my decision? For once I had finally made a decision and resolved to stick to it. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes of the past.   
I never wanted to pilot EVA in the first place and had been told to leave. But moments later, I had been sitting in the entry plug of Unit-01 for the first of many times.   
Then I had decided that I would never pilot it again. But I didn't board the train that was supposed to carry me away from Tokyo-3. And I piloted again.   
This time I would not change my mind! I would not!   
I wasn't a little boy anymore... This time, I would act like a man and do as I had decided.   
Wasn't that what Asuka would have done? Once her mind was set, she would never back out of her decisions. She was too stubborn for that. If she could do it, why couldn't I? Rei never seemed to doubt her decisions either. But... had she ever made a decision of her own in the first place?   
Then I remembered that Asuka often made poor decisions. Attacking the Seventh Angel on her own was one. What she did at the lake had been another.   
What is better to stick to your choices rather changing your mind if that choice seems a poor one?   
What was the mature thing to do?   
I had been walking for a long while, lost in thoughts, when I suddenly heard the all too familiar sound of Tokyo-3's emergency sirens. I froze. An Angel attack...   
Almost on reflex, I turned around to run toward NERV. But then I remembered my decision. I didn't have a place there anymore. I didn't have to fight anymore...   
Rei and Asuka would...   
It would be more then enough. Right?   
I stayed still for a few long minutes, conflicting ideas waging battle in my head. Then I slowly made my way towards the nearest shelter.   
  


- - -

As the sounds of battle started, I sat alone, chin against my knees, like a scared child. I probably looked pathetic. Didn't matter, I knew I was.   
_"Why are you such a wimp?"_   
More than that... I was a coward.   
_"Sohryu's right... you really are... an idiot."_   
I was weak. Useless.   
_"Sorry, but his younger sister was hurt in the battle. That's his reason anyway."_   
My only talent was piloting EVA. And I couldn't even do it right. Each time I got inside it, people would get hurt. Touji's sister. Touji.   
The sound of heavy artillery intensified. The battle seemed really close. Had the Angel entered the Geofront?   
What did it matter to me anyway?   
What was that urge to leave this place? To go where? NERV?   
"Daddy! I'm scared!"   
I don't know why, but those words made me aware of what was going on around me. I saw people, mainly children, sobbing and crying. I saw mothers hugging their children, trying to comfort them. I saw couples in each others arms, trying to draw strength from the other, but failing. I saw fear, pain, and despair. And as I became more aware of the sounds of battle, I shared their fear.   
Strange, being in an EVA was less scary than being here.   
But I was safe here, wasn't I? I wasn't risking my life...   
No... others were risking their lives instead of me... how pathetic I was...   
Suddenly, the entire shelter was shaken as if it had been at the epicenter of a massive earthquake. One of the walls and part of the ceiling seemed to literally explode, sending dust and metal debris flying everywhere. Even with the loud sound of the explosion, I could hear people scream and cry. As the dust cleared, I opened the eyes I had closed on reflex and I saw a man lying right in front of me, a long metal fragment going right through his chest. People in the shelter tried to flee in panic. Then I noticed it. For a moment, my heart stopped beating.   
Where a wall used to stand now laid the head of Evangelion Unit-02.   
No! Asuka! ASUKA!!!!   
Like a man possessed, I ran toward the exit, shoving people aside if I needed to, not caring about anything except that I needed to get out of here. I needed to see...   
I almost fell to my knees once I exited the shelter. Unit-02, or rather what was left of it as it was missing its head and both arms, stood, immobilized, a giant monster slowly moving past it toward NERV.   
This wasn't possible. Asuka couldn't have lost in such a way. Not Asuka... she was a better pilot than I...   
"Asuka... ASUKA!"   
If she had still been synchronized with EVA when it lost its head...   
No... no... NO!!!   
I hadn't even apologized to her yet for all the pain I had caused her...   
"Hey you! What are you doing? Do you want to die?"   
I looked at the source of those words. I realized that those were not meant for me, but rather a girl. A girl with gray hair in a white sundress. She too was staring toward Unit-02. Then, she turned her head to look right toward me. The red eyes!   
"You!"   
She just smiled. A warm smile. Totally out of place in this moment of utter chaos. Then she walked away and started to disappear into the crowd of people that were fleeing for their lives. I was about to run after her, when someone called me.   
"Shinji-kun?"   
A familiar voice. I turned around to see Kaji, apparently sprinkling his small watermelon patch. I look back toward the last location where I had seen the girl, but she was now nowhere to be seen. Almost in a daze, I walked to meet Kaji. The sight of the battered Unit-02 was still having a heavy effect on my mind.   
"Kaji-san. What are you doing here?"   
"That's my line. What are you doing here, Shinji-kun?"   
"I'm no longer the pilot of Unit-01. I've decided that I would never pilot again."   
"I see. Well, to answer your question, since my part-time job has gone public, I lost my position in the battle shift. So here I am, sprinkling..."   
"At a time like this?!"   
I couldn't believe this. Working on his garden right in the middle of an Angel attack?   
"What better time? Although I'd rather be between Katsuragi's melons, this is a place I'd like to be when I die."   
"Die?"   
"Yes. It is said that if an Angel comes into contact with Adam, which is sleeping beneath us, all humanity will be annihilated through the Third Impact. Such a fate can only be prevented by Evangelion, which has the same power as an Angel."   
I didn't know what to say. Nobody ever explained this to me in such a way. I knew we had to fight the Angels. I knew they attacked us. But I didn't know why. They wanted to kill every human being?   
Didn't this change everything?   
Suddenly, in a distance, Unit-00 emerged from underground. It didn't look very good. It was still missing an arm and repairs didn't seem completed. As it started moving, I understood one important reality: Rei piloted that EVA. I didn't know how I could be so sure about that. Maybe it was a gut feeling. Maybe it was the way the EVA moved. But I knew that it was piloted by Rei.   
"Unit-00! Rei!"   
That was crazy! She didn't even have a rifle...   
"I wonder why Ikari hasn't sent her in Unit-01? I doubt he planned things this way..."   
My heart threatened to explode in my chest as I watched the Evangelion run toward the Angel. It held something in it's right hand, but I didn't know what it was. Suddenly, the EVA hit the Angel's AT-Field, the yellow hexagonal ripples clearly visible with the naked eye. For a few longs seconds, Unit-00 struggled to penetrate the Angel's AT-Field. When it did, both the robot and monster were engulfed into a bright explosion that blinded me for a moment. I felt a rush of hot air that almost threw me to the ground.   
When the smoke dissipated and I was able to see again, Unit-00 and the Angel were still standing, both of them unscratched. Then, the arm of the Angel, some sort of sharp ribbon, extended and hit Unit-00 directly in the head. The EVA fell to the ground, a blood-red liquid pouring from it's extensive injury.   
"REI! Rei-chan..."   
I shook my head, trying not to think the worst. Surely she was fine...   
"Do you understand why she did this?"   
These words freed me from my trance and I moved my eyes from the limp form of Unit-00 to Kaji.   
"Probably because my Father told her to..."   
"No, I don't believe so. I think that you've cut the puppet strings."   
I couldn't believe that. She had obeyed him when he had told her not to talk to me about Touji. But she did have other reasons...   
"Rei, Asuka... they don't only fight because it's their duty. They also fight for their lives. And more importantly, the lives of those they care about. I'm pretty sure... that they fought for you. To protect you. Too bad you couldn't protect them."   
Those words struck home. As I looked again at Unit-00, a wave of guilt engulfed me. I almost felt sick at the thought that Rei and Asuka could have been severely hurt, just because I hadn't been there...   
But I had left so that they wouldn't be hurt...   
Maybe... that decision... had been a mistake...   
"I envy you, Shinji-kun. I can do nothing but water here. But you... there is something you can do, something only you can do now. Nobody is forcing you. Think for yourself and decide by yourself."   
Kaji stared at me. I think I never saw him so serious in my entire life.   
"This is a man's choice. What will you choose, Ikari Shinji?"   
My brain was working overtime, as I thought back at what everyone had told me today. This time, I couldn't hide from the truth anymore.   
I stared up at the figure of the Angel as it sailed towards Headquarters. All around were the sounds of terrified, hurt people struggling to find shelter. I'd left because I didn't want to cause anyone pain anymore. Without me me the others could focus on their tasks. I wouldn't be a distraction to them.   
But I'd left and people were still getting hurt. Rei... Asuka... my decision hadn't saved them as I'd hoped. It fact, because I hadn't been there to fight beside them, it might even have... might have...   
_"If you don't pilot, you will condemn Rei and Sohryu to death."_   
My father's words, my greatest fear. I remembered how he had said those words: casually, calmly. As if he was discussing the weather. I'd never thought mere words could hurt that much. Well, it was nothing compared to actually seeing Units-00 and 02 now. Had his words been prophetic? Had I rejected the only good advice my father had ever given me? Damn him! This was my decision, not his!   
A flash of light from the Angel and an explosion of water signaled the destruction of one of the lake's gunboats. I saw soldiers in NERV clothing charging towards the Angel. They knew they couldn't do anything with their sidearms, but they never slowed, never showed the fear they had to be feeling. They fought for something, I could feel it. They weren't afraid. I had left because I was. So that _I_ wouldn't get hurt by my actions.   
The eyes of the Angel flashed. Men died.   
And my hand closed into a tight fist.   
"I think I understand..."   
"Do you?"   
I nodded, then, despite what was happening, smiled, for the first time in quite a while.   
"I've got to go!"   
"I've got a jeep nearby. I'll take you to NERV."   
I could have thanked him, but I knew that no words were necessary. He was probably as thankful as I was.   
As I saw the Angel advancing toward Headquarters, I started to grasp how desperate this situation was. I just hoped that we would make it in time. Otherwise, if Kaji was right, I wouldn't even have the time to feel guilty about having left the girls all alone against that monster.   
  


- - -

"Carry on. Once more, try it again from one-zero-eight."   
From his post high above EVA, the Commander seemed to struggle to activate Unit-01. But apparently, all his efforts were in vain. I don't know exactly why. It didn't matter anyway. All that was important was that I was probably mankind's last hope. Talk about heavy responsibilities. But for once, it didn't really feel like the weight it had always been.   
"I'll pilot it!"   
The Commander looked down at me. From what I could tell, he remained calm, in control. I had to admit, even if I hated him, I had to admire his calm in a situation like this.   
"Why are you here?"   
No emotions showed in his voice. I wasn't much surprised and I didn't really care either.   
"I am the pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. This is my purpose. This is what I can do."   
This was a truth I had understood. When piloting, I was able to protect those I loved.   
"Is this all you have to say?"   
"Just shut up and let me pilot! There's no more time to lose!"   
The man didn't say a word. But the plug that was inside the EVA was removed and replaced by my own. I smiled in victory, even though I was sure that my father shared a similar smile for completely different reasons.   
  


- - -

I had barely made it. But it was enough. As I literally crashed through the wall of the main control room, I truly understood Kaji's words. I now knew the EVA's purpose. As I saved Misato's life, I realized how privileged I actually was to be able to protect those I cared for in this way. And for the first time ever, piloting didn't feel like an obligation. As strange as it seemed, I enjoyed it. I felt what I believed Asuka felt when she piloted her EVA: pride and excitement.   
As I battled with this ugly, giant monster that was the Angel, I became nearly oblivious to everything around me. Only for an instant did I feel the pain attached with the loss of my EVA's left forearm, the pain being quickly subdued by the rush of the fight. I didn't really think when I barked a few orders to Misato. I was almost on auto-pilot.   
Once we were outside Headquarters, I let all my barriers down. Outside, there was no one that could get hurt in this fight. Only the Angel and me. As I proceeded to try to literally rip it apart, I must have looked possessed. Through this fight, I had let all my hate and rage out.   
That Angel had hurt Rei and Asuka!   
It had tried to kill Misato!   
The Angels!   
They had been responsible for hurting Touji's sister!   
They had hurt Touji!   
They were responsible for the Second Impact!   
Because of them we had to fight!   
I HATED THEM!   
I was about to rip the Angel's head off when suddenly, everything went silent except one sound. The timer of the internal batteries. I looked at the digits. 00:00:00   
I had run out of power.   
No!   
Suddenly, I felt the EVA being lifted off the ground and thrown away. It felt as if it had hit the ground hard and I was amazed that I had not been injured by the impact. But I quickly remembered the reality of the situation and how grim things looked.   
"Move, move, move. Move, please move. There's no point if you don't move now!"   
Then, I heard an explosion and felt the EVA being shaken. I knew it had sustained severe damage. The explosion was followed by a regular, rhythmic sound. The Angel was hitting the EVA. It shook with each impact. I could hear cracking noises and if I had not been panicking, I may have noticed the small fractures appearing in the entry plug above my head. Frantically, I pulled the controls, but to no avail. The EVA stood still. I would soon die. Then, if what Kaji had said was true, the whole human race would follow. I had failed, again. I had failed to protect those that were dear to me. I felt as if I was drowning in an ocean of despair.   
"NO!"   
In tears, I pulled even harder and faster on the controls. My arms hurt, but I didn't care.   
"Move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, please move! If you don't move now, everyone's going to die! I... I can't let that happen. I... I can't... I can't let them down again! So, please... MOVE!"   
Suddenly, I froze. I could hear a sound. Something like... a heart beating? Then, it was as if I had been engulfed into a sea of darkness. Only days later did I know what had happened.   
I had been absorbed into EVA.   
  


* * *

Part 2: Second Chances / May the best girl win!

A scent.   
A very familiar scent. Rei? Asuka? Misato? No. Someone else...   
Mother!   
Mother!!!   
I'm coming Mother!   
A voice. A faint voice. A familiar voice. But not Mother's... Someone... almost as important...   
_"Shinji! Give back my Shinji! Give him back..."_   
Mi... Misato...?   
_"You must go back."_   
Mother?   
  


- - -

As I woke up from what seemed like the least restful sleep I ever had, I groaned as I recognized the all too familiar ceiling of the NERV infirmary. At least I was lucky, the light were off so my eyes were saved the pain of looking at them.   
"Not again," I tried to complain, but my throat and mouth were dry and the words didn't really come out.   
Out of habit, I tried to assess my situation. I felt odd, but no pain. I raised my arms. Good, no IV needles, so I probably wasn't hurt much. However, I realized that my senses seemed sluggish, as if I was in a badly synchronized EVA. I opened and closed my hand a few times, moving my arm around. It seemed to get better with each passing moment. Good. Apparently, the only real problem I had was a throbbing headache. It almost felt like the pounding headache I had experienced after the Third Angel battle.   
Angel...   
At that thought, it all came back to me. I was fighting the Angel. Then I ran out of power. And then... I wasn't sure what happened. I couldn't remember. I was alive, so I guess it was dead. But how? Rei and Asuka's EVAs had been severely damaged.   
Rei! Asuka!   
I felt a bit lightheaded as I tried to sit up in bed, but it quickly passed. I had to leave this room! I had to know if they were alright!   
"So, finally decided to wake up, eh? About time."   
That voice!   
"Touji?"   
Part of me felt scared, but I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. I knew he didn't hate me.   
He was sitting in a wheelchair, in a corner of the room. With a few pushes, he approached the bed.   
To my surprise, Touji looked completely different then the last time I saw him. He didn't seem weak anymore, but rather very energetic. He looked healthier and was dressed in his usual tracksuit attire. For a moment, I wondered if I wasn't dreaming, or better yet if I hadn't just woken up from a terrible nightmare, when I realized that he was still missing two limbs. I stared at him completely lost. He gave me a warm smile. He must have guessed that my throat was dry as he handed me a glass of water he took from a small table near the bed. It was quite welcome.   
"You scared us, you know," he said simply.   
What... what was going on here?   
"How...?"   
I didn't really know what to say. I was too confused. And... I couldn't help but feel intimidated by him.   
"What's the last thing you remember?"   
I tried to think. There was some images... but I couldn't really make any sense out of them.   
"The... the Angel... I had no more power... then... I don't know..."   
Touji nodded, as if he had expected that answer.   
"That was a month ago."   
"A month!"   
I couldn't believe it! A month? Did I get hurt so badly that I lost consciousness for an entire month? I didn't feel any pain. What was going on?   
"Yes. A whole month. And let me tell you, it was a long month for everyone here. You scared the hell out of us!"   
"Scared? What... what happened? The Angel...?" I asked. Then I remember the reason I had tried to get up. "Rei?! Asuka?! Are they alright?!"   
"Calm down. They're fine. They barely got injured."   
I sighed. What a relief!   
"Did they kill the Angel?"   
I didn't know how it was possible, but it was the only possibility I could see.   
"No. You went berserk again."   
"Oh..."   
That probably explained why I didn't remember a thing. At least, not yet. But still... that didn't explain why I had been unconscious an entire month.   
"You got us worried sick! Don't ever do that again!"   
Touji clenched his fist. He almost seemed... about to cry?   
What the hell happened to me?!   
"What...? What happened?"   
"The way I understand it... you... disappeared... into EVA. 'Absorbed' I think Misato said. They had to pull you out. But... it almost... failed. You were almost lost..."   
Disappeared into EVA. Was that possible? Yet... it felt familiar. I had the sensation... that I had heard about that before. No, I saw it happen. But... who? When? No, I was probably mistaken. I had never seen EVA before coming to Tokyo-3. Never... never...   
"I... I see..."   
We looked at each other in silence. I couldn't help but look at his missing arm and leg...   
"Touji... I..."   
"Don't apologize. You understand it wasn't your fault now, don't you?"   
I nodded.   
"Then it's settled. Besides, in one week, I'll be sent to Tokyo-2 so I can try some experimental artificial limbs. Misato pulled quite a few strings for that. She felt NERV owed me that much. I'll also see Mari again! She's in reeducation! She's walking again Shinji!"   
His sister... Walking...   
"That's so great! I'm so happy for you!"   
And I was. Touji's sister would be okay. And Touji... may have a chance to live a normal life after all... I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks.   
"Geez, don't be such a wuss!"   
"Sorry..."   
I was just too happy. I got up and hugged my friend as best as I could.   
  


- - -

"Oh! You're awake," said the nurse as she entered the room. I had used the call button to alert the nurse station a minute earlier.   
"Yes. And I'd like to leave now."   
While Touji had assured me that Rei and Asuka were okay, I felt the need to make sure myself, to see them. And I didn't want to wait any longer.   
"I'm sorry Ikari-kun, but I need authorization for that."   
Damn!   
"Did you receive orders to keep him here?" asked Touji. From what he had told me, he himself had tried to leave, but Misato had been against it, worried that he may not have been able to manage on his own yet. Touji had complained at first, but had eventually agreed she was right.   
"No, Suzuhara-kun. But we didn't receive authorization to let him go either."   
"But he's physically okay, right?"   
"Yes, he is."   
"Then, I guess you'll have to call your father, Shinji."   
Confused, I stared blankly at Touji. He just smiled.   
"Of course, the Commander will be pissed if he's woken up in the middle of the night. Well, I'm sure if Shinji talks to him, you may keep your job Miss..."   
What the hell was he saying? Then I noticed that the nurse seemed scared.   
"I'll... I'll be back with clothes for Ikari-kun..."   
The nurse left quickly.   
"Wha... what just happened?"   
"Every one here is afraid of your dad. I thought it would work."   
Then I finally understood what Touji had been trying to do.   
"Thanks!"   
  


- - -

It wasn't long before the nurse had brought me a NERV uniform. It was kinda big for my small frame, but I didn't ask for more. I just wanted to get out. Which I did rather quickly after saying goodbye to Touji.   
I visited Misato's apartment first, to find it completely empty with the exception of Pen-Pen. Asuka probably slept over to Hikari's. As I made my way out, I groaned when I almost fell as I walked over one of Misato's empty beer cans. The apartment was a mess. The only clean rooms seemed to be my old one and Asuka's. I found it a bit odd, since Asuka was almost as bad as Misato and never kept her room in order, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I still had to visit Rei.   
Quietly, I slipped into Rei's apartment. It was still very early in the morning and I didn't want to wake her up. I had to make sure, however, that what Touji had told me was true. Gently, I opened the door to her room and took a peak. I could see a form under the sheets and a mass of blue hair on the pillow. No doubt, it was Rei. Satisfied, I walked to what was my designated room. The impulse to join her and hug her tightly was great, but I suppressed it. I didn't want to disturb her and I wasn't sure yet how to act around her.   
_"Some truths can hurt if a person is not ready to hear them."_   
I had said those words to Rei. She had only been listening to me. So how could I be angry at her? How could I hate her for trying to protect me? I would have to apologize to her. I had chased her away when all she tried to do was take care of me. She had done so much for me, offered everything to me, body, heart and soul, and I only repaid her love by acting like a jerk. I could only hope that she would eventually forgive me.   
Half lost in thought, I didn't really look where I was going, so when I entered the other bedroom, I didn't notice the pile of books, shoes, clothes and other stuff that laid on the floor, right behind the door. Completely taken by surprise, I lost my balance and fell. I landed right on top of something that was hard in some places and soft in others. I panicked as I felt it move, then groan. I opened my eyes (it seemed I had closed them in my fall) to see Asuka's blue eyes looking straight at me.   
_"Hey, baka Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful. I'm asking you. Come on!"_   
A blurred image. Asuka, nude, smiling, leaning toward me...   
Where did those thoughts come from? It almost felt like... a memory. But it wasn't as clear, as if I had remembered part of a dream.   
"PERVERT!"   
This took me out of my brief daze. I soon realized that Asuka wasn't looking at me anymore but rather lower, toward her chest. I followed her gaze to realize that my right hand was... right on top of her breast.   
Oh no! Not this again!   
I'm dead.   
I tried to get up, but Asuka came up with the same idea and our heads ended up colliding against each other. Unconsciously, my hand tightened it's grip.   
"Eek! DIE!!!"   
I don't know how she managed, but Asuka ended up on top of me and jammed her fist in my face, followed by her knee in my crotch. That's when the lights in the room lit up, showing Rei at the door. At least, I think it was Rei, as it seemed I heard her and Asuka say in perfect synchronicity "Oh my God! Shinji!" before I fainted.   
  


- - -

"Hey! I said I was sorry, okay! It was dark, I was still half asleep and he wasn't wearing his usual dumb clothes..."   
"I guess your reaction is understandable."   
"Of course it is!"   
"However, I do not understand how you did not recognize him. I know I would have."   
"It was dark!"   
"Maybe. But his eyes look the same in the dark. I think they are even more attractive..."   
"I don't know what you're talking about."   
"It is really a shame."   
"What does that mean? And what's with the blushing?!"   
"It is for me to know and you to find out."   
"Why you little..."   
As I regained my senses, I realized that Rei and Asuka were arguing. Immediately, it hit me as odd. This wasn't a violent argument like they already had a few times. It seemed more like... two good friends arguing. But that wasn't possible. Rei and Asuka rarely talked to each other. Them? Acting like friends? Impossible.   
"I hope you have not damaged him."   
"Damaged him? And why are you blushing again?!"   
"The... part... where you... hit him with your knee..."   
"Oh... Rei! You pervert!"   
"I just know what I want..."   
This was Rei talking? I knew she was usually quite bold with me, but with Asuka...   
Somehow, those words triggered a flash of memory, similar to the one I previously had with Asuka. But this time, I remembered a naked Rei.   
_"Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful."_   
This was odd. Where did these impressions came from? Maybe I should have stayed in the infirmary after all...   
"... and I know you want it also."   
"Don't talk about that! Geez, you're worse then the three stooges combined!"   
"It seems that our Shinji has regained consciousness. Or at least part of him. Apparently, I worried too much. From how it looks, it is most likely perfectly functional."   
My eyes flew open as I realized that Rei's words, not to mention the image in my mind of her naked, had caused some part of me to react.   
"You pervert!"   
I expected Asuka to hit me again, but instead, I was squeezed in a tight hug. Wow, things just seemed to get weirder and weirder...   
"Baka! You scared us to death! Don't ever do something stupid like that!"   
I felt another pair of arms encircling both me and Asuka.   
"We thought that we had lost you. Welcome back Shinji."   
I didn't know what to say. So I didn't say anything.   
I felt something wet fall on my cheek. A tear? Who was crying? Rei, Asuka? Did it really matter? Being hugged this way by the two girls I loved... it felt good. It was warm, very comfortable. I could get used to that.   
When the girls let go of me, I took the time to carefully look at them. Rei sat on her knees at my right. She wore a shirt I recognized as one of mine. Having spent time with her, I knew that she likely wore nothing underneath other than her silver cross. It seemed that she had put it on in a hurry, as she had missed a button. It reminded me of the first time we had slept together. She had missed that button then as well. As she noticed I was staring, she smiled cutely.   
Asuka was sitting on the floor Indian style. Thankfully, she was more dressed then Rei, wearing panties and her usual sleeping shirt, although it did show a LOT of cleavage. She was fuming a bit, probably because of the long seconds I had spent looking at Rei, but her expression softened into a smile as I turned to look at her.   
Overall, both girls seemed perfectly fine. Nothing was obviously broken, and there was no major scarring. I sighed in relief. However, I did notice what seemed to remain of almost healed bruises. I doubted it was related to the last Angel attack, Touji had told me it had occured a month ago. For a moment, I wondered where those bruises came from, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I remembered I had something important to do.   
I bowed down and pleaded their forgiveness.   
"Asuka. Rei. Forgive me."   
"Why?" asked the girls simultaneously.   
First I looked at Asuka in the eyes.   
"I... I apologize for the way I treated you that night at the lake. I should have tried to understand your reasons instead. I should have understood that it was all my fault... that... that the way I behaved had hurt your feelings. I'm... I'm sorry."   
Asuka seemed about to talk, but she stopped as she saw that I was now looking at Rei.   
"I shouldn't have been that mean to you, Rei. All you wanted to do... was protect me... because you care for me. I didn't understand. I yelled at you. I hurt you. I made you cry. I should never have done that. Forgive me."   
I bowed down again, awaiting their judgment. Instead, what they did next completely took me by surprise.   
"Ja. Ken. Po."   
I looked up, confused, to see that Rei had won.   
"Geez, what did you do, practice with Misato?" whined Asuka.   
"No. You are just predictable."   
"What!? Whatever... go ahead, you won."   
That was weird. I looked at them, puzzled. I was even more lost when Rei actually grinned at Asuka.   
In this state of mind, I really didn't expect Rei to kiss me. Out of force of habit, I accepted the kiss, until I remembered that Asuka was here. I froze and looked at her. She was frowning, but when she noticed my gaze, she nodded. I didn't understand what was going on, but it felt good to have Rei against me again, so I just gave in to her passion. And I have to say, there was a lot of passion in that kiss.   
"You are forgiven, my love," whispered Rei as our lips parted.   
Then, Rei left the room. I watched her go, then looked at Asuka. I froze again. She had that look... At that moment, I understood what a rabbit must feel when a hungry wolf looks at it. She literally jumped at me and pinned me to the floor.   
"My turn now."   
There was no point in resisting, so I submitted to her hungry lips. I didn't really have any reasons to resist anyway...   
  


- - -

"Can one of you explain to me what's going on?" I asked, before taking a sip of my tea. Rei had had previously left us to prepare it. "What were you doing in my room?" I added, looking at Asuka.   
"Anta baka? Isn't it obvious? I'm living here with Rei-chan!"   
I stared at her blankly. This must have been a dream. Asuka, calling Rei "Rei-chan"? Asuka, living with Rei? Without a doubt, it was a dream. That would also explain the kisses...   
"I believe he does not understand."   
"Why am I not surprised?" whined Asuka.   
A hit on the head confirmed that this was no dream.   
"Listen, baka Shinji! While you were... away... I moved in with Rei. It's as simple as that. Do you get it?"   
I nodded, although, I wasn't sure I really understood.   
"So you sleep in my room now?"   
"You seem to be catching on. About time..."   
"So, where do I sleep?"   
"Idiot! In your old room of course!"   
Seeing that I seemed to be still missing the point, Rei decided to take over the explanations.   
"Asuka and I solved our differences. I believe that we have become friends. We had long discussions between ourselves and with Major Katsuragi and we agreed that it would be easier for you if you lived in a place where neither of us would be your roommate."   
"We won't fight over you anymore, and we won't put any more pressure on you," added Asuka.   
"Those kisses we gave you... will be the last. Neither of us will try to be romantically involved with you until you make a choice," continued Rei.   
"Now, may the best girl win!" concluded Asuka, making a victory sign with her fingers.   
Rei sighed and tried to ignore her overly enthusiastic friend.   
"I... I..."   
I didn't know what to say. I would never have expected such a change of situation. As those words sank in, I realized that things would be different from now on. I didn't know what to think about that. It was a relief. I wouldn't have to fear hurting them. I wouldn't have to feel guilty when I spent time with one of them while the other was all alone. I wouldn't have the impression of betraying them. But I also realized that I wouldn't be able to hold them in my arms anymore. I would have to wake up in the morning and find myself alone.   
Worst of all, I would have to cook again...   
I chuckled at that last thought, drawing curious look from the girls.   
"So I take it that you won't sleep in my bed at night anymore?"   
Both girls nodded. Strange, they tended to have the same reactions ever since I woke Asuka up. Did Misato put them through a synchronization training like Asuka and I had to go through for the fight against the Seventh Angel?   
"It's going to feel weird."   
"You will get used to it. We did."   
"I see... Well... thanks... I guess..."   
An awkward silenced followed. I didn't really know what to say or do, and neither did either of the girls. After long moments we passed staring at each other in silence, Rei managed to break this uncomfortable atmosphere.   
"You should go back to your apartment to take a bath. It will be morning soon. You can come back here when when you are finished. Breakfast will be ready."   
"Yeah, go take a bath! That smell of LCL is really annoying. And get out of those clothes. NERV uniforms really don't suit you well..."   
This was probably the best thing for me to do. So I got up and made my way to the exit. But before I opened the door, I turned around to look at the girls.   
"I'll miss the old days, but I'm glad to see that you two get along now. And... I... I'm glad that you're alright. When I saw what the Angel did to your EVAs... I... I really worried. And I felt bad... for leaving you on your own to fight that thing. That's why... I came back. I... I won't leave anymore. Never again."   
The two girls smiled warmly. This was really a beautiful sight. I smiled myself, then left.   
  


- - -

The water of the hot bath felt good and warm on my skin, embracing my body completely. I felt calm, relaxed. I let my head drift slowly under the water, until I was completely immersed. The feeling was not the same then begin in a entry plug full of LCL. The water seemed... pure, clean, fresh. I only emerged when I felt I couldn't hold my breath any longer and realized I was tempted to try and breathe the water. I guess it had become a habit. I leaned my head against the bath and closed my eyes. This felt so good... I drifted off to sleep.   
  


- - -

A streetcar, familiar, heading toward some unknown destination.   
_"Why am I here again?"_   
"Baka! Because you piloted EVA again, of course!"   
I raise my head to see Asuka facing me. She's wearing her yellow dress. Her face shows nothing but a scowl.   
_"That's right. I piloted EVA."_   
"You dislike piloting EVA. Why did you do it?"   
Rei is sitting at my side. Her face is like it had been a few months earlier. Cold and emotionless.   
_"Because... I want to protect you..."_   
"We don't need your protection, you jerk!"   
_"I don't want to see you hurt..."_   
"But you already hurt us. You ran away from us, after hurting our feelings. You are no better than Him."   
Rei gets up and walks to Asuka's side. Father appears behind them, puts a gloved hand on each girls' waist.   
"Now that you are gone, I can use those pawns in any way I wish."   
He leans his face toward Rei's. She looks at him, her eyes empty of emotions. Then his lips meet hers. I close my eyes, not wanting to see them.   
"So, I was right, Wonder Girl is no more then the Commander's doll..."   
_"STOP THAT!"_   
"The only thing you know is how to hurt them."   
I open my eyes hearing this new voice. I recognize this person. The gray-haired girl.   
"The longer you stall you decision, the longer you make them suffer."   
_"I... I don't want that."_   
"Knowing this makes you suffer as well."   
_"Yes."_   
"But if you don't go back to them, they will forget. And you won't feel pain anymore."   
_"Won't I?"_   
"They'll always be with you...'   
_"With me?"_   
"Forever."   
_"Forever?"_   
"Hey, baka Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful. I'm asking you. Come on!"   
Asuka is at my right, completely nude. She leans on me, I feel her breasts against my arm.   
"Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful."   
At my left is Rei, equally nude, equally beautiful.   
"Do you want to become one with me?"   
"Do you want us to become one in body and soul?"   
"It feels so wonderful."   
I can feel them, their hands roaming all over me. I feel at peace. But strangely, I also feel very cold.   
"Come on, now. Relax. Surrender your mind."   
I am ready to let myself be lost in their embrace. Everything around me seems to darken. I feel numb, but light. I feel... free.   
"If you run away from reality, then you will lose them forever."   
I open my eyes, just a moment before loosing all sensations in my body. A little girl is floating in the darkness that now surrounds me. She stares at me. She looks like a younger version of Rei, but not quite. Her hair is brown and her eyes are blue, dark blue. Still, she seems... familiar. That warm smile...   
"Those are only shadows. Images created in your mind by EVA to keep you here. Illusions that EVA weaves to trap people. People like me. They are not those you love. Can't you tell?"   
I look at Rei and Asuka. And I see. Their eyes are cold. As are their bodies.   
_"These are... illusions."_   
Rei and Asuka disappear. I can now hear a heart beating. Warm. I feel warm now.   
"Do not let yourself be tempted by EVA."   
A scent.   
A very familiar scent. Rei? Asuka? Misato? No. Someone else...   
_"Mother!"_   
She's close, so close...   
_"Mother!!! I'm coming Mother!"_   
"No, you mustn't. That's not your destiny. You must go back. To protect them. To give them your love."   
_"But I'll hurt them..."_   
"It doesn't matter. They need you. As you need them."   
A voice. I hear a faint voice. A familiar voice. But not it's not Mother's... Someone... almost as important...   
_"Shinji! Give back my Shinji! Give him back..."_   
Mi... Misato...?   
"You must go back. They need you. Protect them well. I will help if I can..."   
Mother?   
"Go now."   
  


- - -

I woke up with a start. This wasn't a dream. I was sure of it. Somehow, this had happened. While I had been in EVA. It had been real.   
Mother. Was she... was she... inside... EVA? This feeling of warmth I had always felt, each time I synchronized with EVA, was it... her? Was this why Unit-01 kept protecting me?   
But... how did this happen? Mother was supposed to be... dead. How could she be... in EVA?   
This didn't make sense. Yet... in a way... I knew it was true.   
So many questions. And the only one who had the answers wouldn't probably give them to me...   
"I... I won't let you down... Mother. I'll keep them safe..."   
I would finish this, I would fight all the remaining Angels, then I would seek the truth. Until then... I would keep all that I knew only to myself.   
"Thank you... Mother."   
  


- - -

I was finishing drying my hair when I heard the door of the apartment open. Then I saw a blur of red, black and purple and next thing I knew, I was squeezed into a powerful hug.   
"Shinji! Here you are! I was so worried..."   
I tried to say something, but the fact that my face was embedded into Misato's ample bosom didn't make such an action possible. I know some people would have been envious if they had seen this scene, but quite frankly, I would rather have been able to breathe...   
"Shinji..."   
I squirmed to escape. Only after a few seconds did Misato realize exactly what she was doing and let me go. Once I had filled my lungs with fresh air, I looked at her. She wasn't crying, but she seemed on the verge to. She gave me a warm smile, then she took a more serious expression. That wasn't good...   
"Don't you ever dare leave the infirmary again without my authorization, young man!"   
Facing that side of Misato, I suddenly felt really, really small... I looked down at the floor and mumbled an apology.   
"Go... gomen..."   
"It's okay Shinji..."   
As I raised my head to look at her again, her warm smile was back.   
"You just had us worried. Until I saw Touji, I thought that you had ran away..."   
"I'll never run away again, Misato. I... I've now found a reason to pilot."   
Misato sighed in relief. I guess this took some weight off her shoulders.   
"That's good, Shinji. Now, get ready, you need to come to NERV. Ritsuko wants to run a few tests on you, just to make sure there are no side-effects from what happened. You know what happened, don't you?"   
"Touji told me."   
"You don't remember anything?"   
I thought about those flashbacks I've been having recently...   
"I... I... No. I don't remember..."   
I hated lying to her. But I couldn't tell her about that. What had happened was so weird. And I didn't want the Commander to know... that I knew.   
"I see..."   
Misato clearly wasn't buying what I just told her, but she didn't insist on asking questions. I was grateful. However, I would have to be more careful with Dr. Akagi.   
"Can... can I at least eat breakfast. Rei said... well... she prepared breakfast..."   
Misato smiled.   
"I guess a few more minutes wont hurt."   
  


- - -

I think the girls were more pleased to see me back than I had imagined. When I went back to Rei's... no... _their_ apartment, a huge breakfast was waiting for me. On one side of the table, I could see traditional Japanese cuisine: miso soup, fish, rice balls... The other side of the table hosted western style meals: omelets, sausages, bacon... In the middle lay a plate of toasts with different kind of jam. Behind the table, both girls waited, each of them wearing aprons, expectation in their eyes.   
Didn't they say that they wouldn't fight for me anymore?   
As I sat at the table, I was faced with a cruel dilemma. Which food should I taste first. I already knew that Rei's food was excellent, and I could guess that the Japanese meals were her doing. I could recognize her miso soup simply from the smell. Asuka's cooking however... She never really bothered to cook back when she lived with me and Misato. I didn't know what to expect. But the worst part of the dilemma was that I was afraid to hurt one of the girls by tasting the other girl's food first. Well, no real choice. I had to start with something...   
"Rei, I already know that the meals you cook are always excellent. You don't mind if start with Asuka's cooking, do you?"   
Rei blushed slightly at the compliment.   
"No... not at all.."   
So I picked up a fork and took a piece of the omelet. I was more used to chopsticks, but I still managed to get a big bite out of it. It was rather spicy, but otherwise, quite good.   
"That's very good Asuka," I complimented. It was now her turn to blush. "You never told us you could cook so well."   
"Well, I couldn't really. But I took the time to teach myself. I like Rei's cooking, but I'm not a vegetarian like her. I need some meat from time to time! And I was tired of Japanese food!"   
"I see."   
I had to admit that I was a bit disappointed. After all, Rei had learned to cook to please me. I let out a small sigh. I was stupid. It was rather dumb, not to mention selfish, to expect them to only do things to please me. They had their own lives after all...   
Maybe it was my turn to try and do something for them...   
"What day is it, anyway?" I asked between taking sips of Rei's soup and bites from Asuka's omelet, the soup helping to wash down the spices.   
"Friday."   
"So both of you are free tomorrow, right?"   
Both girls nodded and gave me quizzical looks.   
"Then I can take both of you out tomorrow?"   
Asuka's eyes lit up.   
"Where?! Where?!"   
"Er... Any place you girls want to go."   
The girls looked at each other... and grinned. It was such a strange sight it was almost scary. Suddenly, I expected the worst.   
  


- - -

"What happened between Rei and Asuka?" I asked, while Misato was driving us to NERV. She seemed slightly perturbed by this question, as she slowed down.   
"Well... they've become friends..."   
"I saw that. And that's what they told me. But... I have the impression something isn't right here. I mean... they were practically enemies. I just... can't believe things have changed... so much."   
"You've got to understand how much they care about you, Shinji. When I told them that you had been... absorbed... into EVA... they didn't take it well. Especially since we had no idea at the time if we could get you out or not. It's been hard... for everyone."   
Misato's expression slightly darkened. I knew that she was talking about herself as well.   
"I... I'm sorry."   
"It's not your fault..."   
She took her eyes off the road an instant to smile at me. Pedestrians leapt for safety.   
"Rei quickly reverted to her old self," explained Misato. "It became hard to get more than a 'yes' or 'no' out of her mouth. I know that her friend Hotaru was worried about her. Even before she got interested in you, Rei had showed some spark of life from time to time. But when she learned that you may not come back... she just seemed completely drained of all life. I was worried about her myself."   
Was it because she had thought I wouldn't come back? If I ever chose Asuka... would she be like that again?   
"Asuka became much more aggressive than usual. She didn't want to believe in the possibility that you might be 'dead' and kept ranting about how you were a jerk, killing that Angel then running off so that she couldn't beat you to a pulp."   
I couldn't help but smile at that, thinking at what had happened this morning. She had, indeed, beat me up.   
"I think both of them felt guilty that they had failed to stop that Angel, therefore protect you. They were getting dangerously depressed. One night, I think we were out of food. We... neglected to buy some. I was... well... drunk... so I told Asuka to go to Rei's to borrow something to eat. I didn't see Asuka until the next day."   
Misato made a long pause. I started to worry.   
"I found them in the morning on the floor of Rei's apartment, in each others arms. Their clothes were all messed up and they were covered in bruises and some blood. From what they were willing to tell me later, they had an argument over Rei wearing one of your shirts. The argument deteriorated as they started to blame each other about what had happened, how badly they treated you and how they had been incompetent to protect you. But when I saw them in the infirmary, after they woke up... they seemed... changed... like they were... friends. My guess is that they had solved their differences during that fight. I can't be sure, they don't want to talk about it. When I think back at the first time I saw them hugging each other... it was a rather... disturbing sight."   
I nodded, having felt the same way myself all morning.   
"And so, Asuka moved in with Rei?"   
"After a few days. It seemed like the best way for their friendship to live through their competition over you."   
"I see..."   
So they had fought over me. No wonder they didn't want to tell me.   
"You're lucky Shinji. They both love you very much."   
"I know Misato-san."   
I smiled again. Yes, life was complicated, but it felt good to know that someone cared about me.   
"We're here," announced Misato, as she parked her car into it's designated place. The prospect of having to go through Dr. Akagi's tests was not a pleasant one, but I was still smiling when we joined her.   
  


- - -

As I had expected, Dr. Akagi's tests were very boring and very tiring. She took I don't know how many fluid and other kind of samples, then had me go through dozens of different machines, before finally giving me a plug suit and shoving me into an entry plug for synch and harmonics testing. The results? If we didn't consider my synch ratio being lower by one point, everything was all normal. So, I had been bored to death just for nothing. I chuckled at the thought. Asuka was usually the one who would complain about that.   
Once I was freed from all of the doctor's tests, I came back to the apartment to realize that my trials were far from over. I sighed in desperation as I looked at the battlefield Misato called home. Images of Rei's perfectly cleaned apartment came to mind. I sighed again. In resignation, I started to pick up empty beer cans. School would be over in less then two hours. It was enough time to at least give the place a better look.   
My projections happened to be right, as I managed to roughly clean everything up in an hour and a half. Tired, I retired to my room. I was about to let myself slump on my bed, when I realized something was wrong. This place was clean. Really clean. No dust. You could smell it in the air. A look around confirmed that everything that I owned seemed to be here, except maybe the shirt Rei apparently had permanently borrowed. I'd have to ask her about that. I was curious to know why she had kept one of my shirts. Was it in order to somehow feel me close to her?   
In a corner of the room, I noticed my cello. It wasn't in the right place, so I picked it up to move it, but changed my mind and exited my room with it in hand and sat down on a chair in the kitchen. The last time I had played, it had been with a depressed mind. I felt happy now. I wanted to see if the feeling of playing it would be different. It did. The melody was nicer, more joyful. I seemed to be playing better than usual. I closed my eyes and lost myself in playing the instrument.   
I only opened my eyes when I heard the door's apartment open. Rei walked in, smiling, followed by an Asuka most clearly in a foul mood. She kept mumbling to herself and I could sometimes pick up a few German curses. Apparently, it had not been a good school day for her.   
"Are we interrupting you?" asked Rei.   
I realized that I had stopped playing.   
"I... I was just practicing a bit... I can stop..."   
"No. Go on."   
I looked at Rei. She just smiled. Then I looked at Asuka. She gave me a "I don't care" look. So, I resumed my playing, pulling the bow across the strings of my cello, the rich, deep chords rumbling throughout the small apartment. I regretted not having practiced more, listening to the occasional sour note that snuck past despite my best intentions. It wasn't often I had an audience, and I really wanted to play well for them.   
Rei sat on her knees, watching me play from the living room. Her expression was the same as it always was, but the interest in her red eyes was genuine. I started to wonder if she'd actually ever sat down and listened to music before. I mean, just listened to it. I was sure she'd heard music in her life, but she showed such interest now that I was beginning to think that she might not have realized what it was for before now.   
Her eyes watched the movements of my hands on the strings with rap concentration. She seemed enthralled with the variety of notes that a single pass of the bow could entail. A moment later her eyes rose to look into mine, and she smiled. It seemed like a smile of thanks for this new experience. I smiled back.   
Glancing slightly beyond the blue-haired girl, I looked at the other figure present. Unlike Rei, who was sitting straight and proper, Asuka had sprawled herself across as much floor space as possible. Arms and legs thrown outwards from her body, she lay on her back and looked up at the ceiling, the very image of relaxed energy.   
I had expected Asuka to grow tired of my playing and tell me to stop that noise, but she didn't. She just stayed there, lying on the floor. I snuck glances at her throughout my presentation and noticed that her features seemed to slowly relax and shift to a small smile of contentment.   
Seeing this made the smile on my own face grow larger, but I quickly ducked my head. Better make sure that she didn't see my grin and somehow guess the 'music soothes the savage beast' line that kept dancing through my head. I wasn't interested in again feeling the fury of her fists.   
I played like this for probably fifteen minutes. On the floor, Asuka seemed to be slowly falling asleep. A bit closer to me, Rei had closed her eyes, but the smile on her face showed that she was still enjoying my music. This peaceful atmosphere was soon broken by the arrival of Misato.   
"Hi guys!"   
Then, Misato froze at this scene of peace and calmness that we were displaying. This was not something you could usually see in the Katsuragi household.   
"Thank you," whispered Rei, before getting up and heading for the kitchen where she started to make some tea.   
Asuka regained her senses and ran toward the telephone, leaving me with the Major.   
"Well, I see that you guys are all here, so we can now have our big dinner party!" said Misato, all smiles.   
"Party?" I asked, a bit suspicious of her intentions.   
"Don't worry! Just the four of us. And I won't get drunk, I promise!"   
Katsuragi Misato? Promising not to get drunk? Now, that was something...   
"The food will be delivered in a few minutes!" announced Asuka as she came back to the living room.   
"Take out?" I asked, surprised. We rarely ate take out. Especially since Rei and I usually took care of all the cooking. And now that Asuka seemed to know how to cook, it seemed even more odd.   
"Anta baka? It's a dinner party! You don't expect us to cook, do you?"   
I guess her reasoning made sense.   
  


- - -

True to Asuka's words, the food soon arrived and we took places around the low table in the living room. Misato was facing me, while I had Rei and Asuka at my sides.   
"Feels strange. I had almost forgotten the taste of tea..."   
It was strange indeed to see Misato drinking tea instead of beer or coffee.   
"You should stop drinking alcohol. It is damaging to your health."   
"Yeah, I know Rei... maybe I will..."   
Misato took another long sip of tea, before speaking again, a wide smile on her face.   
"Shinji... Asuka... Rei... you guys are like the children I never had... and probably never will. I... I'm glad we're finally all together again. There are only three Angels left now. I truly hope that we can have a similar dinner once they are defeated. This is my wish."   
"Come on, Misato! You're still young! I'm sure Kaji would be delighted to give you one or two babies of your own..." said Asuka, a wide grin almost splitting her face in two.   
Usually, Misato was the one who would tease us. But now, it was her turn to blush like a tomato.   
"What?! It's... it's not like that..."   
"Where were you last night?"   
Misato face was suddenly as pale as Rei's.   
"Er... Well... Who... who would want to have children of his anyway?!"   
"If it wasn't for Shin-chan, maybe I wouldn't mind."   
Everyone at that table, with the exception of Asuka, were suddenly speechless.   
"But I'd rather have one from Shin-chan..."   
I gulped. Rei glared at Asuka. I didn't think she liked the way this discussion was going. I know I sure didn't...   
"I wonder what it would look like? Maybe a cute little girl with my hair and his dark blue eyes..." Asuka had an almost dreamy expression on her face. It was really scary. "Hey, Rei-chan? If you had a kid with Shin-chan here, what do you think it would look like?" asked Asuka with a grin, now back to her usual self.   
Rei's reaction probably wasn't what Asuka expected it to be. Her chopsticks fell on the table. Her expression changed from a calm one to one of utter sadness. Tears rolled freely from her cheeks and fell in her plate.   
"Rei?"   
As if the mention of her name had pulled her out of a daze, she got up and rushed out of the apartment. We stood there, lost and confused over what just happened.   
"What's with her? I... I wasn't serious. I'm not even interested in having children. All I want is to pilot EVA..."   
"I don't know. I'll... I'll go after her. Excuse me."   
That look on her face... I had to know what was wrong. I think that Asuka tried to come along, but Misato told her to stay.   
  


- - -

I found Rei in her room, her face buried in her pillow, crying like I had never seen her cry. I approached her in silence, not knowing what to do, or what to say.   
"Rei..."   
I put a hand on her shoulder, then moved it to her head, where I caressed her soft unruly blue hair.   
"What's wrong Rei?""   
She turned her head a bit and looked at me. I felt as if my heart would break.   
"Rei..."   
"I... I... I..."   
The words just kept dying in her mouth. Again she started to cry. Not knowing what else to do, I took her in my arms. I felt her grip my shirt tightly and she cried hard against my shoulder, until she cried herself asleep.   
  


- - -

The next morning, Rei apparently felt better. She came to Misato's and asked us to forgive her outburst. When we asked what had happened, she simply said that she didn't want to explain. We didn't push the matter further, but from the look on Misato's face, I could tell that she didn't want to give up yet. I wasn't sure if she was worried as our guardian, or as our commanding officer. Maybe both.   
After breakfast, the girls enlightened me as to their plans for the day. At first, Asuka seemed a bit uneasy, I guessed she felt guilty for whatever had happened the night before, but the prospect of the day's activities quickly made her forget all about that incident.   
Their plans were really quite simple. It wasn't really a surprise, with Tokyo-3 getting more and more deserted, there wasn't much to do here. First they wanted to go to the mall for shopping...   
"The mall?"   
"Yes! We really need to buy you some new clothes!"   
"Buy me some clothes? What's wrong with my clothes?"   
"You always wear the same clothes," answered Rei flatly.   
"You have no style at all! Just those damn school shirts and some occasional T-shirts!"   
"But I don't need new clothes!"   
"Did Rei need new clothes?" asked Asuka, pointing at Rei who today was wearing a blue dress with long black leather boots, most likely picked up by Misato.   
I didn't know what to say. Rei did look cute. So I just shut up and let myself be dragged along.   
The rest of the day had been planned as simply as well. We would carry back our packages to the apartment and have lunch here, then go back and spend whatever money we would have left at the mall again, then come back to the apartment, then I would treat them to dinner and finally we would go watch a movie. And if we weren't too tired, Asuka wanted to try some discotheque she had heard about before it would be closed down. Rei and I shared worried looks. I didn't really know how to dance and she seemed to be in the same situation. We both sighed as our redhead companion lead us toward the mall.   
  


- - -

I sighed as the girls finally left me alone one moment to enter into a lingerie shop. "No perverts allowed" was the warning Asuka gave me. Frankly, I had to admit, this was the last place I wanted to follow them in. If I did, I was sure that they would take an immense pleasure into torturing me by asking me to judge what would look the best. They had already teased me enough when they had tried the swimsuits... It had been pleasant to look at, but I found myself blushing too often for my liking.   
I sighed again. Dealing with one was difficult already. Dealing with both of them at the same time was exhausting...   
I was seeking some place to crash down when suddenly, something caught my eye. I'm not sure yet why. Maybe part of me longed for a definitive end to this situation. One thing was sure, whatever it was, something prompted me to look closer at the window of that small jewelry store; more precisely at the engagement ring that was displayed there. It was rather simple. A gold ring mounted by a single diamond. But still, I felt attracted to it.   
Minutes later, I carried it in one of my pockets. However, I still had to choose who I was going to give it to...   
  


[To be continued...]   
  


Next time: 

The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 8 - Broken Hearts   
  
  
  


- - -

Omake   
  
Shinji relaxed into the bath, ducking his head under the water. After a bit, he came back up, albeit reluctantly. He lazily rested his head against the back of the tub and fell asleep.   
"Do you want to become one with me?" A naked Touji asked as he leaned forward.   
Needless to say, Shinji freaked out and snapped awake, but not in that order.   
Holding his head in his hands, Shinji promised never to read Rei's collection of Yaoi manga ever again.   
  
(My thanks to Godsend777 for this little omake)   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][5]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: mailto:horde@worldgate.ca
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Gomen
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap7



	9. Chapter 8 - Tears / Those three words I ...

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 8 - Tears / Those three words I should have said   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on February 20th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on September 7th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on September 16th 1999   
Final draft finished on October 10th 1999   
Final revisions on March 14th 2000   
  


* * *

_   
As he heard footsteps closing in, Kaji Ryouji knew that the time had come. He had become too much of a threat for SEELE and NERV to live much longer. The urge to try and simply escape was great, but it would not solve anything. Only with his death could he protect those he loved and cared about.   
He opened his eyes and raised his head, so that he could see the eyes of the person intent on killing him.   
"Hi. You're late."   
The sound of a shot echoed in the room.   
Kaji Ryouji fell limply onto the ground. His assassin left without a word... _   
  


* * *

  


For the third time, I tried to solve that stupid math problem... and failed to do so. I looked at the two girls sitting in front of the TV, having some video game match. A very noisy video game match. Especially since Rei was beating Asuka almost every time.   
"Take that! That! And that! You're dead Wonder Girl!!!! YES!!! VICTORY!!!"   
But, then again, I guess it was a blessing that Rei did indeed beat Asuka most of the time since the redhead tended to shout even more loudly when she was the winner.   
I groaned. Unfortunately, this didn't go unnoticed by a certain Sohryu Asuka Langley.   
"What are you complaining about? Still stuck on that stupid math problem?"   
"I can't concentrate with all the noise you two make! Could you at least lower the volume of the TV...?"   
"No!"   
I groaned again.   
"Why are you playing here anyway? Don't you have your own apartment?"   
"We don't have a TV."   
"Buy one!"   
"We can't afford one."   
"But you just spent God knows how much money on those new dresses you just bought two days ago!"   
"Yeah, and now I'm broke..."   
I sighed as I let myself slump on the table in defeat. I tried to look at Rei for help... no use, she was still glued to the TV. I really wished Asuka hadn't shown her that game...   
"Well, if you can't study, at least try and be useful! I'm dying of thirst! You could at least treat your house guests better, baka!"   
House guests!?   
"Hai, hai..."   
Why did I keep taking this? Because I wanted Rei to have fun. And also because I didn't really dare take the chance to upset Asuka. So, I just did what I was told and went to the kitchen to get some drinks. I guess it was alright anyway, I was thirsty myself. Ignoring all the beers on Misato's side of the fridge, I opted for some orange juice. I didn't feel like making tea and we were out of soda (Asuka and Rei had run out of soda two days ago, so the redhead had found it easier to raid our fridge than going out to buy some).   
When I came back to the living room with a tray holding three glasses of juice, I noticed by Asuka's expression that she had obviously lost _again_ to Rei. I smirked; at least there was some justice.   
"Here."   
Rei took the glass, finally acknowledging my existence for the first time in an hour by thanking me (which gave Asuka the opportunity to knock down Rei's character in the game). I then handed a glass to Asuka who happily drank it now that victory was hers. Soon enough, the two girls went back to the game. I sighed and tried to go back to work. That's when Misato came in. As Misato entered the apartment, I immediately sensed that something was wrong.   
"I'm back."   
The way she had said those words... Misato usually tried to be cheerful, even if her day at work had sucked. But today... she looked tired, almost on the verge of collapse. But worst of all... her eyes seemed... lifeless.   
Neither Rei nor Asuka noticed this, being too engrossed in their game. They probably didn't even realize that Misato had come in. And the volume of the TV was so high that I had barely heard her myself.   
The Major walked toward the fridge, but as her hand reached to open it, she stopped.   
I was growing worried. No matter what happened, she always gulped down a beer after work.   
Then, she looked toward the phone and noticed the light that indicated a message. I hadn't even seen it until now. For the first time since she came in, some expression showed on her face. But I didn't like what I saw.   
Almost clumsily, she made her way to the phone and pushed the button.   
I think that neither Rei nor Asuka heard the message. They would have reacted. But I heard it.   
_"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure you're listening to this message, after I've caused you so much trouble. Sorry. Please tell Ritchan "I'm sorry." And there's one more thing to trouble you with: I've been growing... flowers. I'd appreciate it if you could water them. Shinji-kun knows where they are. Katsuragi, the truth is with you. Don't hesitate. Move ahead! If I can see you again, I will say the words that I could not say eight years ago. Bye."_   
I didn't really react to the words at first. I understood what the meaning behind them was, but I think that part of me didn't want to even consider that possibility. But the tears that fell on the wooden table, as well as the sobs that escaped my guardian's lips before her knees gave in and she collapsed on the table... it was impossible to ignore that. She was... crying in a way I would never have thought possible from her. Something had happened... surely, something had happened... to Kaji...   
"Misato-san..."   
As I ran to her side, Rei and Asuka finally noticed what was going on around them.   
"Mein Gott! Misato, what's wrong?"   
Asuka was probably too surprised to do a thing. Rei has a puzzled look on her face, as if what she was currently seeing something she had difficulties to comprehend and did not know how to react to. After all, she mostly only knew the Major's confident and sometime carefree side, she didn't know the sensible woman that Misato could also be. Awkwardly, I touched the Major's shoulder with a finger.   
"Misato-san..."   
"Shinji! Why? WHY?"   
Her reaction took me by surprise. She grabbed my shirt, pulling me down on the floor, before collapsing herself, then shrinking into a fetus position like a child would have.   
I've seen many things in my life. I've been in the heat of battle. I've seen people get hurt. I've seen people die. But the sight that always hurts the most is seeing a woman cry this way.   
I hate that. And each time I hate myself because I feel so helpless.   
I looked at this grown woman on the floor, crying before me, and I didn't know what to do. So I simply knelt down and took her in my arms, hoping it would at least provide some comfort.   
"It's okay Misato-san... it's okay..."   
I felt stupid for saying that, for I didn't even know exactly what was wrong, but those were the only words that came to mind. But those words must have brought some comfort, as Misato began to calm down a bit.   
It was strange holding her this way. Misato was my guardian, the person who was always there when I had a problem, at least when she was sober. Usually, she was the one who tried to comfort others. Also, I had never held a fully grown woman in my arms before, only teenage girls. For the first time, I realized that, as beautiful as they could be, Rei and Asuka still had a lot of growing up to do compared to Misato. As I did.   
I looked up at the two girls, who appeared completely lost as to what to do in this extraordinary situation. Asuka tried to approach us, but took a step back right after making a step forward. She stared at us, then at a confused Rei, then at the door, then at her feet, then at us again.   
"Shinji, do you think that you'll..."   
"I'll handle things."   
She seemed a bit guilty, yet relieved.   
"I... I... I'm sorry to be this useless... I just..."   
"It's okay..."   
Asuka looked at Rei and with a silent sign, indicated the door. With a nod from the blue haired girl, both were out of the apartment an instant later.   
Well, seemed that the task of taking care of Misato was mine alone now that the girls had left me on my own. I couldn't really blame them. I felt lost myself. I... I was only a child... I didn't know that to do.   
"A fool... such a fool..."   
"Misato-san..."   
We stayed there for a while, maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour, I didn't know. Each time I thought that she would stop crying, the tears just came back, full strength. When it did, I just held her tighter. When she would calm down, I would let my fingers gently flow through the long dark purple hair, hoping it would have some soothing effect. It felt soft under my hand, almost like silk. Neither Rei nor Asuka's hair was this soft. Maybe it was a side effect of all that LCL we were constantly immersed in. Or maybe Misato simply had softer hair.   
"Misato-san... maybe you should lie down in your room..." I tried to suggest, once she seemed to calm down for good.   
"Yes..." she barely whispered.   
I helped her get up and practically carried her there. She just didn't seem to have the strength to stay up on her legs. It had not been easy. While of average size for a woman, Misato was still a lot taller than me, and she was definitely heavier than Asuka. It was a lot to carry for my small and weak frame. But we did make it. With a foot, my hands were too busy holding her, I opened the sliding door. I had never really entered her room, it was considered as off-limits, and I couldn't help but gasp at the state of disorder it was in. I had taken a peek once, around the time I had came to Tokyo-3. At the time, it was already a mess. But now... I looked in disgust at the beer cans, litter and clothes lying around. I wondered, was it me who was abnormal for wanting to sleep in a tidy room?   
Of course, with my general luck, something was bound to happen.   
As best as I could, I tried to carry Misato to her bed without tripping on some of her stuff. However I didn't plan on Misato walking on a beer can and, with her already unsteady balance, falling on the said bed, dragging me along with her. The outcome of this... I had fallen on top of a female... _again_! Surely, it was a curse! Well, at least this time, my hands were on the bed and not... somewhere else.   
I know some people who would not label this as "bad luck".   
We both opened our eyes. I stared at her dark brown eyes, red and puffy from too much crying. She stared into mine. Then, I felt an arm on my back, pushing our bodies together and a pair of lips on mine...   
  


- - -

I woke up with a start, as I felt something hit my stomach. My eyes snapped open to see a foot there. I looked at the owner of the foot. Misato was dead asleep. She now seemed at peace. I almost laughed as I noticed the way she was drooling on her pillow.   
Careful not to wake her, I got up and exited the room. Thankfully, in her sleep she had released the hold she had taken on my wrist to keep me close.   
As I looked at a clock for the current time, I realized it was very early in the morning, but not early enough to go back to bed and try to catch some sleep. I would have to go to school soon enough. I yawned. I had probably barely managed to sleep one hour, maybe two, last night. I could feel it, the day would be a very long one... Lazily, I made my way toward the bathroom. Maybe I would feel better after a long bath. I had plenty of time to take one.   
  


- - -

I exited the bathroom to end up face-to-face with Misato. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing her bathrobe, clearly intending to take a bath herself. I felt pretty self conscious as I stood there, wearing only a towel around my waist. It was clear that for both of us, this seemed like an embarrassing situation. We looked at each other. I couldn't help but remember what had happened a few hours ago. She must have noticed the blush on my face, as she blushed herself.   
At least, she seemed to be feeling a bit better, part of me noted.   
"I... I... I'll prepare breakfast. You... you can use the bathroom now," I said, in an attempt to put an end to this awkward situation. Then, I ran to my room, as fast as one holding a towel around his waist could.   
  


- - -

When Misato finally joined me for breakfast, she was already completely dressed in her NERV uniform, unlike every other morning. As usual, her hand reached for the fridge to no doubt pull out a beer, but I stopped her by putting my own hand on the door.   
"I think this will be more helpful," I said as I handed her a cup of coffee. I had already drunk two, even though I hated the taste.   
She gave me a weird look, but gave in. While she did look better than the night before, she seemed a bit worn out. She probably didn't have enough strength to protest.   
Coffee in hand, she sat down and took a few sips of the hot brown liquid. Without so much as a word on my part, I put a plate of toast in front of her and pulled some jam out of the fridge.   
"That's all we have for breakfast?"   
"I didn't really feel like cooking."   
Misato nodded in understanding. As I sat down, she eyed me nervously.   
"Shinji... about last night... well... I... I wasn't thinking straight..."   
"It's okay, Misato-san."   
I smiled at her, a warm smile. She seemed a bit surprised by my reaction.   
"No harm done, right?"   
I paused for a few seconds. Should I really say that?   
"Besides... it was... enjoyable..."   
I knew that I was probably blushing heavily, now. Misato stared at me, wide eyed, then blushed herself before laughing lightly. It felt good to see her that way.   
"As long as we don't tell Asuka and Rei, we should manage to stay alive," I added, before laughing lightly myself.   
We didn't really say much more after that. We were probably still a bit uncomfortable. And I could tell that Misato was perturbed by something else. As I noticed the way she seemed to stare at the phone, I grew worried that she would collapse in another fit of tears. That is, until we heard a "quack" coming from her side.   
"Pen-Pen!"   
The smell of toast had probably woken up the now hungry penguin. Before I could get up and try to find something for him to eat, Misato picked him up and held him tightly in her arms, in the same way a little girl would hold a teddy bear. She looked so sad... This couldn't go on much longer. Something was hurting her and I felt that... she needed to share that pain.   
I was reluctant to ask the question that was on my mind. I had an idea of what was tearing her apart. But... I didn't dare ask. Ignorance is bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you. And... I didn't want to be hurt myself...   
"What... what happened... Misato-san? Is... is it... is it Kaji?"   
Damn! I had asked!   
She winced upon hearing Kaji's name, and held the warm water bird tighter. Tears silently made their way down her cheeks to fall on the animal's feathers.   
The next words were harder to say. Well, no turning back now...   
"So... it's really about Kaji. I... I heard the message last night. Is he... is he... dead?"   
Shock appeared in her face. She almost dropped Pen-Pen. She put him back on the ground, probably not willing to take the risk of such a thing occurring again.   
"Shinji-kun... you... you don't have to know..."   
She looked at me, her eyes almost pleading.   
"I... I can't... I can't run away from the truth... not forever. Besides, I already know. But... if you don't tell me... I know part of me will... just... try to... evade the truth..."   
She looked at me, her expression shifting from surprise to pride. Despite the tears that just kept falling, she gave me a shy but warm smile, before becoming very serious. Her lips parted, she tried to speak, but failed. Only the second time did I hear a faint, "Yes. He's dead."   
Up until now, I had done a good job in avoiding the truth. It was so easy. Kaji was such an extraordinary man. He always seemed so cool, so in control. He always seemed to have a solution to every problem. Kaji, dead? This just didn't seem to make sense. So far, I had avoided the truth. But now that Misato had said the words...   
"I see."   
These where the only words I could think to say. As I spoke, I was realized how dry my throat suddenly was.   
At first, the feeling I felt was not as I though it would be. I knew sadness. I knew how it felt. But I didn't feel that way. I felt rather... hollow. This was disturbing.   
"Are you sure?"   
Part of me still didn't want to believe it. Maybe that was why I was feeling this way.   
Misato nodded. Calmly, I raised my cup of coffee to take a sip.   
"Misato... this is Kaji we're talking about... he can't... he can't be dead..."   
"Shinji. He's dead. I know."   
The tone of her voice. The unmistakable hurt on her face.   
That, I couldn't ignore.   
First Mother.   
Along with her, Father.   
And now Kaji...   
My cup of coffee fell on the table, part of the warm liquid splashing on my shirt. I felt a familiar pain in my chest, and familiar tears running from my now blurred eyes.   
"Shinji!"   
How odd... now, she was the one to get up and embrace me in her arms, despite her own tears.   
"Shinji..."   
It was a good thing that Asuka was now living with Rei. She probably would have been disgusted at seeing me cry like this. She would probably have said something like, "Are you a man or what?"   
No, I was wrong. I knew how much she liked Kaji. He had been her first crush. He also had been the closest thing she had to a father. He had been the closest thing I ever had to a father, so I could imagine how she would have felt. If she had been here... she would probably have been even more hurt than me.   
"Let's... let's not tell Asuka..." I managed to say after a while.   
"You're right," agreed Misato, still holding me. "Just make up some story about him dumping me and going back to Germany. It will do... for now."   
"Yes... we can tell her... when all this is over. With time... she won't think about him as much..."   
Misato let go of me. We both tried to wipe our tears. She would soon have to go to work and I would have to go to school. The pain and sudden void in our lives still existed, but somehow, I think we bolt felt a bit better. Just a bit.   
"Are you okay, Misato-san?"   
"No... but... one day I will..."   
There was a long pause. Neither of us knew what to say.   
"He said that if we were to meet again, he would have said the words that he should have said eight years ago. I regret not having said them myself. Shinji... if you haven't already... tell Asuka and Rei that you love them. You never know... when those you love... will no longer be there..."   
I nodded. Those three words. _I love you_. I had never said them properly to either of them.   
I stood up and was on my way to go change and pick up my school bag when a question occurred to me. A simple question, but it had a lot of impact.   
"Why?"   
Misato looked at me for a long while. She seemed hesitant to answer. I guess that she was working on choosing the right words.   
"He was a security risk."   
Hearing those words, only one conclusion came to my mind. My hands tightened into fists.   
"Did HE give the order to kill him?"   
"The order came from his office."   
"I see."   
I looked at my fists, as I started to register that my fingers were hurting. My knuckles were white. I opened my hands, so as not to harm myself. But the anger was still there.   
"I don't know how, I don't know when, but he'll pay..." I said in a low voice that probably worried Misato, judging by the expression she was wearing.   
She came to me and put one hand one my shoulder, and the other brushed through my hair. It had a calming effect. Suddenly, I realized that we had never been quite as close as we were now.   
"Don't do anything rash, Shinji. I'll take over Kaji's work. I'll look for the truth. And once I've found it, we'll see what we can do with it."   
"Misato-san..."   
I looked at her. Pain had left her eyes, to be replaced by purpose and resolve.   
"Promise me you'll be careful."   
Again, she embraced me into a hug, a more cheerful one.   
"I will, Shinji-kun. I will..."   
  


- - -

"So, what was Misato's problem?"   
There was concern as well as curiosity in Asuka's voice. I wasn't surprised that she would ask. But I hadn't expected it so soon. We had barely left the apartment complex to go to school.   
"Kaji dumped her," I said flatly. Quickly, my brain was working to build a reasonable story.   
Asuka stopped dead in her tracks.   
"What?!"   
"I believe he said that Kaji-san broke his relationship with Major Katsuragi."   
Asuka glared at Rei.   
"I know what he said! I... I just can't believe it..."   
"Believe it. They're not together anymore. And probably never will be."   
This wasn't completely the truth, but it wasn't completely a lie either.   
"But... but... they love each other!"   
"Seems he didn't love her as much as we thought. The instant he got what he wanted... he just threw her away."   
Shock registered on both girls faces as they heard those words. I felt bad saying such things about Kaji. But it was for Asuka's own good. It's weird. It's so easy to lie when the lie causes less pain than the truth.   
"He got... what he wanted...?"   
Apparently, my lie wasn't very convincing after all. Asuka had trouble accepting it.   
"I believe he meant that Kaji-san did not feel anything anymore for Major Katsuragi once he had sex with her," Rei conveniently explained.   
Surely Asuka had understood what I had meant. After all, she was supposed to be more intelligent than me. However, understanding something and accepting it are two very different things. Luckily, Rei's words usually had a lot of impact, which made this "fact" easier for Asuka to accept.   
"That can't be..."   
Anyone who knows Asuka knows that her emotions are very intense. So, it was no surprise to see her facial expression to change from shock and disbelief to boiling anger in barely a second.   
"That bastard! When I see him, I'll... I'll... I'll tear him apart! To think I thought he was so great...!"   
"You won't see him again."   
"Uh?"   
Rei looked at me, a suspicious look on her face. I guess I had let too much out with those words. She could now see through the lies. But Asuka didn't seem to understand. It was all that mattered.   
"He left for Germany," I lied again.   
"That coward! Humpf!"   
This said, Asuka stomped toward school. I guess she needed to work out some anger.   
"Don't tell her," I simply said to Rei.   
She silently nodded in understanding.   
The truth is something precious. But it can also hurt. Sometimes, it's better to feel anger then pain. Not always, but sometimes, it is. A few days later, I realized it had been a wise decision to keep this secret from her...   
  


- - -

As I let myself fall on my bed, I sighed in relief. What a day... School had been okay, and there hadn't been any tests at NERV today, but still, I was dead tired. I had been worried when Misato skipped dinner, but I felt a bit better when she called, to say that she would be working late. She was probably trying to keep herself occupied. I couldn't blame her. I had not known Kaji as well as her and the pain was still there. I had found myself unconsciously crying a few times today.   
Misato... She was my superior officer, my guardian. But she was also always there when I needed her. I thought about all the times she had given me advice. All the times she had tried to help me, even if I didn't want anybody around. She was like... a mother.   
Then I thought back at the night before. How vulnerable she had been. How it had felt to hold her in my arms, so close. How she had seemed lost, grabbing my wrist, begging not to leave her alone in her room.   
A lot of guys would probably have been envious. She was very pretty after all. Even if she was lazy around the house.   
Not only was she my superior, and the closest thing I had to a mother now, but she was also a woman, I realized.   
I thought back at the moment when we had both fallen onto her bed. How she had drawn us together. How our lips had touched and the way it felt, as I melted into that kiss...   
I closed my eyes and tried to chase those kind of thoughts out of my head. Dammit! I already loved Rei and Asuka! I couldn't think about Misato this way!   
It was only a simple kiss, dammit!!!   
I tried to concentrate on the mother figure that Misato was to me. This was all I wanted, what I longed for. Someone who would care for me... but not in the same way as Rei or Asuka.   
Keeping this image in mind, I slowly drifted to sleep, wearing a contented smile.   
  


* * *

  
_Kaji Ryouji groaned as he struggled to get up. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable. Almost. He inserted a finger into the hole in his shirt and could feel a bullet imbedded in the metal plate that he had bound there. It had stopped the bullet, but the impact had likely broken a few of his ribs. At least, he was grateful that the bullet had been meant for his heart and not his head. Still, he regretted not having used something more sophisticated like a light bullet proof vest.   
Painfully, he stood. He wasn't sure how long he had been unconscious, so he had to act fast before the cleaning crew would come.   
Out of its nearby hiding place, Kaji pulled out a half filled garbage bag as well as the corpse of a NERV security agent who had previously tried to shoot him. The man was also an infiltrated agent of SEELE. It was ironic that even "dead" he would still do some work in Ikari's favor.   
Carefully, Kaji took the man's wallet and replaced it with his own. He also removed the black vest and sunglasses the man wore. The man had similar build and hair color to him. But one problem remained. From the garbage bag, Kaji pulled a gun equipped with a silencer. Emptying an entire clip into the corpse's head was enough to make its face unidentifiable. The mess it had made would also prompt the cleanup crew to get rid of the corpse as soon as possible. He almost laughed, thinking about all the time people had wished to wipe the smile off Kaji Ryouji's face. He thought they would have approved.   
From his bag, Kaji removed a black vest, similar the the one the man had worn. He put it on, as well as the man's sunglasses. He put the blood stained vest of the man into the bag, to be disposed off into the nearest garbage can. Smiling, the man formerly known as Kaji Ryouji walked away from the corpse, knowing that now he would be able to easily leave NERV Headquarters. However, the smile on his face was fake.   
"I'm sorry to impose this on you Katsuragi," he thought, "but it's the only way I can protect you..."   
There was still much to do. Now that he was dead, he could attempt to track down SEELE. Only a shadow had hopes of exposing an organization that ruled from the shadows. If he could find a way to eliminate SEELE, then Katsuragi and the Children would be safer.   
"Take care, Katsuragi. Protect this city and the Children as best you can. If I'm successful, maybe we will meet again..."_   
  
  
[To be continued...]   
  
Next: Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you   
  


- - -

Omake: 

"You're a little late, aren't you?" Kaji asked as he smirked. Misato hated that smirk. So she shot him in the chest and walked away.   
"That was for using me." She said grimly.   
After she had left, Kaji stood up and took off the kevlar vest he was wearing. He took care of business, (i.e. - replacing his body with one of a dead agent, plus he had to use the bathroom; Misato could be really scary) and walked towards the nearest door to leave.   
"Oh, hey Hyuuga." Kaji smiled.   
"You'll never hurt the Major again!" Hyuuga screamed.   
*BLAM!*   
Kaji fell to the ground. Satisfied with his work, Hyuuga went back to NERV Command. After he left, Kaji got up, took off his kevlar stomach protector, and walked out the door.   
As he boarded the elevator, he ran into Asuka.   
"Asuka-chan! How are you?"   
"This is for leading me on!!!"   
*BLAM!*   
Kaji slumped over before falling to the ground. Satisfied with her work, Asuka stepped off the elevator and made her way home to Shin-chan's cooking. Seeing she had left, Kaji stood up and removed his kevlar jock strap. He doubted he would ever have kids, though.   
After sneaking out of the Geofront, Kaji decided a quick drink would be a fine idea. So he went to the nearest bar.   
He made himself comfy and ordered a beer. Then he noticed his companion next to him.   
"Pen-Pen?"   
"Wark!"   
*BLAM!*   
Kaji fell to the ground yet again. Satisfied, Pen-Pen finished off his beer, then Kaji's, and left. After he left, Kaji stood up and removed his kevlar thigh socks. By now, Kaji was not happy. So he quickly made his way to the airport, stopping only at 7-11 for a ho-ho and a porno mag.   
"Kaji-san!" Shinji exclaimed.   
*BLAM!*   
Shinji slumped to the floor. Better to be safe than sorry, Kaji thought as he walked to the airport. 

(my thanks again to Godsend777 for that little piece)   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][3]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap8



	10. Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here fo...

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on August 31st 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on September 16th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on October 4th 1999   
Final draft finished on November 28th 1999   
Final revision on March 14th 2000 

(number) Click to reach the author's notes on a specific subject 

**Warning! This chapter contains lemon/lime elements.**   
  


* * *

  
Sitting in a transport on my way home, I stared into space. I was worried about the results of today's tests. Rei had maintained her score. Mine had increased. But Asuka's ratio had taken a fall. I noticed that it had seemed to be dropping slowly ever since the Fourteenth Angel's attack, but it had never been this bad. A few points lower and she wouldn't be able to start her EVA. And I couldn't forget what had just happened a few minutes earlier...   
  


- - -

  
"You must be happy. You increased your score. Again. Now that the little bitch Asuka can't pilot her EVA, it's just you and Wonder Girl! Oh... but you don't need Wonder Girl... you're the invincible Shinji after all! They don't need us girls anymore. We don't have to do anything. They only need Shinji! He cooks, cleans, and kills Angels! If Shinji is there, everything will be alright!"   
We had been riding in an elevator quietly for a few moments now, on our way to exit NERV, when Asuka suddenly exploded. It took me completely by surprise and I just stared dumbly at her. This just made her even angrier.   
"Don't give me that dumb clueless look, you jerk!"   
"I... I'm sorry."   
Hard and swift, she slapped me. The surprise and strength of the blow were enough to make me fall on my back. I didn't even have to look to know that my cheek would be bruised and swollen for a long time. It hurt a lot. As I raised a hand to touch where her hand had connected with my face, a look of shock and horror washed over the girl.   
"Mein Gott! Shinji!"   
She knelt down and made me wince as her fingers touched my cheek.   
"I... I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry!"   
That's when it first occurred to me that something was really wrong with Asuka.   
"It's okay," I said, trying to smile despite the pain. "Doesn't even hurt."   
"Liar."   
I shrugged.   
I stood and reached a hand down to help her up when the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. Outside the elevator, Lieutenant Ibuki stared at us, a slight expression of shock and a blush slowly showing on her face. I didn't even want to find out what kind of thought went through her head. Asuka got to her feet and we both left the elevator very quickly.   
"You seem upset with something..." I said without really thinking, as we walked toward the exit.   
"Of course I'm upset! How would you feel, Shinji, if you devoted your whole life to something and it didn't pay off? I've been training to be an Eva pilot for ten years. Ten years, Shinji! I should be the best! I worked at it, damn it! I worked hard for it! But instead, you, who's been piloting for less than a year, can beat me! And you're not even trying! What the hell was I doing, if I can get beaten by some jerk they grabbed off the street?!"   
I didn't really know what to say.   
"Asuka... I... I'm sorry..."   
"Don't give me that look! The last thing I want is your pity, Third Children!"   
That said, she stormed off...   
  


- - -

"Is there something wrong, Shinji?"   
I blinked, pulled out of my daze, then noticed that Rei was now sitting at my side. Had I been so out of it that I didn't notice her?   
"Rei-chan... I'm... I'm worried about Asuka. Her results today... and she doesn't seem to be her usual self..."   
There was a glint of concern in her eyes.   
"Yes. I have noticed. Her life has always been centered around piloting EVA. But lately she has been feeling like her world is slipping away. On every mission you have outperformed her."   
"That's not true!"   
She shook her head.   
"Yes, it is, and you know it. The battle against the Sixth angel was won because you where in Unit-02 with her [(1)][3]. She may not have succeeded alone. She was the one who had to work the hardest in order to synch with you for the Seventh operation. She would have died in the Eight mission without you. While she killed the Tenth, you were the one who caught it, thus saving everyone. Unit-01 also destroyed the Thirteenth and Fourteenth while she had been severely beaten in those battles. And since the Twelfth angel, your synch ratio had been slowly getting higher than her own. Her pride and joy was to be the best EVA pilot. But _you_ are the best now. Therefore, in her mind, she has became useless."   
Asuka? Useless? Hardly!   
"But it's not true! We're a team! Who cares who's the best pilot?!"   
"She does. And now, she must also compete with me for you. And for weeks, you have been stalling you decision. In her mind, it is another sign of failure, even if she has not been rejected."   
I gasped at those words.   
"Are you saying it's all my fault?"   
"No. I am only telling you what she is probably thinking."   
"What are you saying then? That I should choose her and make you unhappy just to help her?"   
"No. I would not sacrifice you for her happiness."   
There was resolve in her eyes. I knew that she would not give up unless I told her to.   
"What can I do then?"   
The blue haired girl smiled.   
"Just be yourself. The caring Shinji we both love."   
"... You think that'll be enough?" I asked. Just being myself seemed such a... pathetic thing to do.   
"It will be enough. Just by being there for us, you have already made our lives better. Have faith in yourself."   
"But Asuka-" She put a soft hand on mine.   
"Will come around. Her emotions are strong, but they do not control her. She will come to realize that this is not a competition. All she needs is some time."   
"You think so?" I asked, a touch of hope in my voice. She nodded, the gentle smile still on her face.   
"Thanks Rei-chan..."   
I hugged her and she hugged me back. I was glad I had this talk with Rei. I didn't feel as worried after that. Surely, there would be a way to work things out.   
"There might be something else..."   
This snapped me back to reality and got me worried again.   
"What is it?"   
"She acted in an unusual manner when we came back from your apartment, the night... the Major cried. Asuka looked upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she admitted that she felt guilty leaving you alone to take care of the Major. But... I sensed that there was more. There was a strange expression on her face..."   
"A strange expression?"   
"Yes, I also noticed it a few day later when she she received a call from Germany."   
Germany?   
"I believe the dreams started afterward."   
"The dreams?"   
"Yes. Nightmares, I believe. She cries sometimes in her sleep. But she does not know it."   
Asuka, crying in her sleep... I had seen her cry once, the night before our synchronized attack against the Seventh Angel. But she had only shed a single tear. She had also asked for her mother in her sleep.   
Could this be related to what Rei had just told me? A call from Germany... could it be... her mother? And about Misato... could the way I took care of Misato reminded her of her own mother? Maybe she was homesick. I realized that I knew very little about Asuka.   
All of a sudden, the emergency alarms came to life.   
"An Angel?" Rei and I asked simultaneously.   
To confirm it, our cell phones rang.   
Geez, what a day! Having spent the last few hours soaking in LCL, we were about to go back for more and maybe even get ourselves killed. How joyful...   
  


- - -

I was bored. This is a strange thing to say, if you consider that we were in the middle of an emergency, but this was how I felt. With the freeze on Unit-01 still active, all I could do was sit in the plug and listen to the open comm. frequency. I wasn't really interested in going into combat, but I would have preferred to go with the girls than sit here and feel utterly useless and powerless. I wished I'd brought my SDAT. Actually, the LCL would probably have wrecked it, but I could've done with some music then.   
Over the comm. line, I could hear Misato and Asuka having an argument about the mission. Misato wanted Asuka to cover Rei, which made sense with her low synchronization ratio, but Asuka didn't take the idea very well. As usual, she overreacted and took the point position against Misato's orders.   
I was worried. Asuka was too reckless. But I knew that if I was to tell her that, she would be even more angry. So I kept my mouth shut.   
Asuka reached the surface and prepared Unit-02 for the Angel's attack. Then there was nothing to do but wait. For a while, she complained about how lazy the Angel was. This particular Angel had decided to stay in orbit over Tokyo-3. Not much Asuka could do about that. Then she screamed. Very loudly. In pain. My heart skipped a beat.   
"No! Don't! Don't come into my head! Please! Don't! Don't look into mind! Noooo!!!!"   
What the hell? Dammit, what was going on? What was that Angel doing to her? What was Rei doing? Wasn't she supposed to back Asuka up?   
"Misato! What's going on out there?"   
"Not now, Shinji!"   
Her voice seemed really tense. This didn't calm me down one bit. Her next words even less.   
"Asuka, retreat!"   
"No!"   
She really sounded as if she was in pain. Why didn't she obey Misato's orders?   
"This is an order! Asuka, I order you to retreat!"   
"No, never! I'd rather die here than retreat!"   
"Asuka!"   
Damn her pride! I knew that piloting meant the world to her... but was it really worth dying for? On impulse I opened a channel with Unit-02, and froze at what I saw. The entry plug of Unit-02 seemed to be bathed in a bright light. Asuka was clutching her head with both hands, obviously in great pain.   
"Asuka! Please, listen to Misato... please... retreat..."   
"Shinji?!"   
Asuka raised her head slightly, her eyes searching for the communication screen labelled 'From EVA-01.' I couldn't see the tears, they instantly dissipated within the LCL, but I could tell that she was crying.   
"Asuka... you're only hurting yourself... please, I beg you... retreat... I... I don't want to see you suffer... please..."   
"Shinji..."   
She seemed about to agree when she screamed again, clutching her head tighter, unconsciously pulling her knees to her chest.   
"Nooo! Don't make me remember! I want to forget, so don't dig into my memories! I don't want to remember such terrible things! Stop! Stop!"   
I terminated the connection, unable to see her suffer like this any longer.   
"Rei! Hurry up!" I screamed, as I opened a comm. link with Unit-00.   
Rei seemed very tense under the pressure of the situation. I probably wasn't helping, but all I could think of was that Asuka needed help. Fast.   
I saw her pull the trigger. I held my breath and hoped this would work.   
"No effect!" I heard Shigeru say. "Not enough energy to break through the AT field from this great a distance!"   
Dammit! Damn it all!   
"Misato, let me go out in Unit-01!"   
I was desperate. Something had to be done!   
"Shinji..."   
"No."   
This voice. Father.   
"This Angel invades the mind of pilots," explained sub-commander Fuyutsuki. "It would be too dangerous."   
"Unit-01 must not be allowed to be contaminated by this Angel," added the Commander.   
I didn't give a damn about his reasons. Unit-01 had already done miracles in the past. It would again. I had confidence in it. It would save Asuka...   
"I don't care! I'll go out and kill that Angel. I won't be defeated!"   
"There is no guarantee."   
"But, if this goes on, Asuka will..."   
"No."   
I knew he wouldn't change his mind. That bastard wouldn't...   
Damn! Damn! Damn!   
Why? Why did this man had to be my father? Why couldn't he be more like Kaji? He would have let me go...   
What would Kaji have done in my place?   
He wouldn't have listen to Father. He would have done everything in his power to save his loved one.   
I had to go! I had to save Asuka! I had to...   
Unit-01 had already activated twice without power. But the last time, if what I had been told was the truth, I almost died...   
I didn't care.   
I tried to think back to that moment Unit-01 reactivated when I had been fighting the 14th Angel. There had been something... a feeling... a connection. Warmth, before darkness.   
I couldn't find this feeling.   
I could still hear Asuka. She was now sobbing. Her voice was very weak.   
"My mind has been sullied. Shinji... it's polluted. What should I do? My mind has been polluted... I... I want to die..."   
"No!"   
I didn't realize it, but I was now crying myself.   
"Asuka! No! NO!"   
Frantically, I pulled at the EVA's controls. But the beast stayed still.   
"Mother... please... I need your help... Mother!"   
Suddenly, I felt it. The connection. Yes, it was there. Mentally, I reached for it. The warmth. My mind almost felt as if it had been engulfed by pure light.   
Unit-01 activated. I had synchronized with the EVA, without help from the Control Center, and I was still there. It didn't go berserk, I didn't pass out and, as I looked at my hands, it seemed I was still physically there. I was in perfect control.   
"Shinji! What the hell are you doing?!" shouted a now frantic Misato.   
"I'm going up there to save Asuka! Release Unit-01 or I'll just break free myself!"   
"No." Again, the firm voice of the Commander. "You will stay where you are. Rei will take care of the rescue operation. Rei, go to Dogma and get the Lance."   
"Hai."   
I clenched my fists. I couldn't believe he didn't take me seriously!   
"I said to let me go, Father!"   
"You will only be in the way. This operation will not fail."   
"Damn you!"   
I was about to break the EVA's restraints, when Rei's communication screen appeared.   
"Let me handle this. Trust me."   
There was resolve in her eyes. She knew what she was doing. Reluctantly, I let go of the EVA's controls.   
"Alright... please, hurry..."   
"I will."   
  


- - -

Rei did exactly as she had said. Unit-00 came out of the ground, holding a giant red two-pronged spear. It was called the Lance of Longinus, I later learned. With all the strength her EVA could muster, Rei threw the lance. It literally ripped through the sky, then through the Angel's AT-Field and the Angel itself. It ceased to be. Asuka's nightmare was over. But it had opened deep, forgotten scars and these hurt more than a simple physical attack could have.   
  


- - -

As I reached the surface, I found Asuka behind a yellow quarantine tape, sitting on the ground, legs pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around her shins, and chin resting on her knees. She was rocking back and forth slightly, in silence. This sight... worried me. I approached the quarantine zone, but didn't dare step past the tape.   
"I... I'm glad you're okay... Asuka."   
Man, what a stupid thing to say. But it's all that came to my mind at the moment. Probably because it was true.   
"Shut up! Who are you calling okay? I... I couldn't do a thing... and I was... rescued by HER! Rescued by that bitch, Rei! I would have rather died! I hate... hate... everyone... everything... I... I hate you..."   
Her last words had been barely louder than a whisper, before she started sobbing. I knew that she didn't mean what she had said; no, I hoped she didn't mean what she had said, but I found myself unable to give any importance to her words. The only thing that mattered was that Asuka was hurt.   
The quarantine zone became irrelevant to me. I ignored the warning to keep away from there. Asuka was hurt. Not physically, but in a way that was even worse. And I didn't know if I could even help her at all. But I had to try.   
The sobbing stopped. I felt a flicker of hope. Maybe she would be alright.   
I said her name as I reached for her.   
"Go away."   
She said the words, but there was no conviction behind them. No strength. Nothing. Just empty words. She had no reaction.   
"Asuka..."   
Nothing again.   
"Asuka!"   
No reaction. Part of me panicked. Something was wrong.   
I pulled one of her arms. No resistance whatsoever.   
I knew that staying here was a bad idea. She needed help. Quarantine be damned!   
I picked her up in my arms, in a manner similar to the way I had done it months ago, after our first date. Then, I noticed her eyes, they way they almost seemed devoid of all life. It made me think of a small flame, about to be extinguished by a gust of wind. If I hadn't been scared so far, I was then.   
I held her tightly in my arms and ran toward the nearest entrance to NERV, not even noticing that I had far more strength than I would ever have suspected. I stopped suddenly, as I noticed someone leaning next to the entrance. The grey-haired girl.   
I wasn't really in the calmest mood, so I snapped.   
"What do you want with me?!"   
She just smiled, that warm smile of hers, as her red gaze bore into mine. Despite the situation, I relaxed, for a while, until I felt Asuka moving slightly in my arms. I snapped of what had almost felt like a trance. Then, without a word, the girl left. I felt a bit confused, but I had more pressing matters to settle. So I continued my race toward NERV's infirmary.   
  


- - -

"Shinji. You should sit down."   
I looked at Misato, surprised. How long had I been pacing this corridor? With a gloved finger, I touched my head. The LCL had dried a long time ago. I probably looked like a nervous wreck.   
I tried to sit as she suggested, but found myself back up again after a few minutes.   
What the hell was taking so long! It felt like hours ever since Ritsuko had entered Asuka's room!   
As pain suddenly registered, I realized that my fist had hit a wall.   
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see a concerned Rei.   
"There will be plenty of time for you to see her. You should go and change."   
I contemplated the idea of getting out of this plugsuit. The infirmary was after all relatively close to the changing rooms; a necessity in case a pilot got injured. I was about to finally give in when Ritsuko exited the room.   
"How's Asuka?!"   
The question took the doctor by surprise, as she had barely left the room, but she quickly regained her professional composure.   
"She is exhausted both physically and mentally. She is uninjured and all tests revealed nothing threatening about her brain patterns. There is no sign of residual mental contamination. However, the damage to her psyche is unknown for now. She was in no condition to tell us more about what happened to her. We only know that she underwent some type of mental attack. For now, I gave her enough sedative to keep her asleep for a few hours. When she wakes up, I suggest taking her home. There isn't anything more we can do here. I also recommend contacting the NERV psychiatrist for future treatment."   
"I see," said Misato gravely.   
Psychiatrist. Treatment. Those words ran alarm bells in my mind.   
"Why?! Why would she need to see a psychiatrist?!"   
"Because I believe she was forced to confront herself and her past... and lost," answered the doctor before walking away, a hint of sadness in her voice.   
Her past. I remembered Asuka's words.   
_"Nooo! Don't make me remember! I want to forget, so don't dig into my memories! I don't want to remember such terrible things! Stop! Stop!"_   
What had happened to her? What was so terrible about her past that it would cause her to suffer like this.   
Memories hit me. I remembered Father, leaving me.   
But it had never caused me that much pain. What was it? What could have been so awful that it almost destroyed her?   
Misato seemed to guess my question before I asked it.   
"It's not my place to tell you, Shinji-kun. She should be the one to tell you."   
Probably to avoid more questioning, Misato followed Ritsuko. Part of me felt angry at her leaving like that. Didn't she care about Asuka?   
Yes, she did. I knew she did. But ever since what had happened with Kaji... she just wasn't completely herself anymore. She probably still had her own ghosts to battle.   
Me and Father.   
Misato and her father. And now Kaji.   
Apparently, Asuka also had a past she didn't want to remember.   
What about Rei? Was she haunted by similar shadows?   
Was this some curse related to EVA? Were we denied being happy?   
"You should go change now. I will keep watch until you return."   
I looked at Rei. For the first time, I realized it must have been hard for her to see me worry this much about her rival.   
"Thank you, Rei. I... I'm sorry to impose this on you."   
She smiled.   
"It is of no concern. I understand. She is my friend too."   
I could however feel a hint of sadness in her voice. I was truly sorry about that. But at a time like this, I couldn't really think about her when I knew that Asuka was suffering.   
  


- - -

"It wasn't a dream."   
Those were the words Asuka said as she woke up. She looked so peaceful in her sleep, I had hoped that she would be alright when she awoke. The hopes had vanished as fear and confusion faded from her, leaving an empty expression in their wake. For a few seconds, those eyes stared at me and, in that brief moment, I'm pretty sure I saw some life in those eyes. But it quickly vanished and soon, she just stared at the ceiling.   
I wanted to say something... but I didn't know what to say.   
"Why are you here?" she asked, removing some of the weight from my shoulders.   
She hadn't bothered to look at me. But I didn't care, I was just glad to hear her voice, even if it was almost monotonous.   
"I... I... I was worried... about you... you scared me..."   
"You were worried..."   
She turned her head to look at me. I was sitting on one side of the bed, so it wasn't much effort for her.   
I almost felt like running away as I saw the look of anger in her eyes.   
"You were worried... worried... then why didn't you come?! Why didn't you save the day like you always do?! Why did you let HER save me?!!!"   
"They... they wouldn't let me go..."   
"Oh... so I'm not good enough for you now, is that it?! Sohryu is now useless, so they just send Wonder Girl to do the job she couldn't do, is that it?!   
"No, Asuka, it's not..."   
"Shut up!"   
She tried to get up, probably to hit me, but I guess she was still a bit under the effects of the sedative Doctor Akagi gave her as she simply fell limply on the bed. Still, she struggled to get up.   
"Asuka..."   
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to listen to you! I don't care about your pity! Don't you know that I would have rather died than been saved by her! It would have been okay if it had been you... everyone expects you to win... you're the true wonder child here... but her!!! Now everyone knows that I'm a total failure..."   
She gave up trying to get up. Her anger faded, and was replaced by tears. Tears that she tried to repress but wouldn't be stopped.   
"How the mighty have fallen. Look at me... I'm crying... I hate crying... only a weak person cries. I hate Wonder Girl... she showed everyone how pathetic I was. I hate you... you made me cry, now you can see how disgusting I am. I hate everybody... but most of all... I hate myself..."   
"Asuka... you're not weak. It's normal to cry. Everyone cries. If you don't, your pain will eat you from the inside. And if it doesn't, you may just become like Rei had been months ago, completely emotionless. So it's okay to cry Asuka..."   
"You're right... why should I care. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I have nothing. Whatever pride I had left is gone. I know that they'll replace me as soon as they can. Without EVA, I am nothing. I should have died..."   
"NO!"   
I couldn't bear to hear more of that. I couldn't. I stood up, and grabbed her shoulders, pinning her to the bed as I leaned over her, forcing her tear-soaked eyes to look at me. My reaction surprised her. I think I may also have scared her.   
"DON'T SAY THAT ANYMORE! Don't say that you should have died! And don't say you have nothing else! It's not TRUE!"   
Her eyes widened in shock for a moment, before reverting to that look of self disgust.   
"Oh yeah...? Tell me what I have left if I can't pilot EVA? Tell me why people should care about me... nobody cares..."   
"That's not true! You have friends who cares about you! Misato cares about you! Hikari cares about you! Rei cares... I care too... and... and... what about your family? Surely they care! You got a call from your mom in Germany not too long ago!"   
Obviously, this wasn't something I should have said, as her expression darkened even more.   
"Only my step mom," she replied. "Papa never cares enough to call. And Mama..." A small twitch played across her features. "Mama's dead."   
Ouch. Okay Shinji... next time get all the facts before you open your big mouth.   
Then it hit me.   
_"Papa never cares enough to call. And Mama... Mama's dead."_   
My God! Just like... just like me...   
"It doesn't matter..." I barely whispered. "It doesn't matter! We're here! And we care!"   
"Why would you? I can't pilot EVA anymore..."   
"So what?! There's more to life then EVA! You... you... you're beautiful. You're bright! I mean, you graduated from college... and you can be really nice when you want to!"   
"Is that all? Is that all there is to Sohryu Asuka Langley?"   
I wished that I could have said more, but my brain just didn't seem willing to work properly.   
"It's... it's more then I can say about myself..."   
"You don't need more! You're Shinji the Hero! You're the pilot of NERV's prized EVA Unit-01!"   
"Who cares if I can pilot EVA?!"   
"I do!"   
"Well, I don't! I don't care! I don't care if you can't pilot those goddamn things again! I love you for who you are, not because you're a pilot!!!"   
Those words left both of us speechless. I couldn't believe I had said that. Sure, I had meant every one of those words, but this was not how I had expected to say them.   
As the words sunk in, Asuka's eyes grew wider and wider. I felt myself blushing heavily under her gaze.   
"You... you...?"   
Then her features darkened.   
"No... you're just trying to be nice. It's just your damn pity..."   
Something snapped in me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because she doubted my feelings in such a way, or maybe it was that I couldn't take the way she acted anymore.   
"Damn you Asuka! Are you deaf! I love you! I! LOVE! YOU! Is it so hard to understand?! Is it so hard to believe?! I love you! I would have chosen Rei a long time ago if I didn't love you!"   
Again, she looked at me in complete disbelief.   
"You...? You do?"   
"YES! So cut that crap about being worthless! It's not true! You mean a lot to me! A lot! I care more about you than I care about myself!"   
The tears came back again. But this time, in full force. It was as if something had just broken within her; as if all the tears repressed in the past had decided to come out here and now. That sad look on her face. It brought tears to my eyes as well.   
"Shin... Shinji..."   
Her lips, as well as the rest of her body, were shaking.   
"Shinji!"   
I found myself being suddenly held by a weeping girl as if her life depended on it. I held her back, feeling strong suddenly as my arms encircled her trembling and vulnerable body. Her face was buried in my chest, where her tears soaked my shirt.   
"It's okay Asuka... let it all out... let all the tears out... it's all right... I'm here."   
I felt her hold on me tighten even more. I kept an arm around her as I stroked her hair with my free hand. Nobody had taken the time to clean Asuka up, so her hair was a mess due to the now dried LCL. But I didn't care.   
We stayed like this for a long time and Asuka crying all the while. Maybe she would have cried herself to sleep. I'll never know as we were interrupted.   
"Shinji. Here are the clothes from Asuka's..."   
The words died in Rei's mouth as she stared at us, frozen in the room entrance, a bag in one of her hands and the other holding the doorknob. Only then did I realize that nothing was covering Asuka's upper naked body, as her bed sheets had fallen down on her waist.   
"R... Rei... It's... it's not what you think..."   
To my surprise, Asuka struggled to get free from me. I also noticed she had stopped crying. As she freed herself from my arm, she looked at Rei. I recognized the all to familiar look of hatred in her eyes.   
"Came to remind me of my failure? Came to gloat over your victory over me? Well, I don't want to see your face! Get out! Get out, get out, GET OUT! I hate you Wonder Girl! I HATE YOU!"   
Four months ago, Rei would not have cared in the least about Asuka's words. But now... Rei only had three friends. Hotaru, Asuka and me. Only three people truly cared about her. Maybe four if we considered Misato. So those words hurt, I was sure of it. The bag she held hit the ground and she rushed out of the room.   
"Rei!"   
I suddenly forgot everything about Asuka and ran after the blue-haired girl. Luckily, she hadn't gone very far. I found her kneeling against a wall for support, tears running down her pretty face.   
"Rei..."   
As she kept silent, I moved closer to her and touched her shoulder.   
"She's upset right now. She didn't mean that."   
"I know. I... I cannot stop the tears... the words hurt... I know she did not mean what she said, but the words hurt still..."   
I tightened my grip on her shoulder, not enough to hurt her, but enough to let her know I was there.   
"It's okay Rei."   
She looked at me and smiled. It was only a faint smile, but a smile nonetheless.   
"She will probably need some time to adjust. She underwent a terrible experience."   
I nodded. I had guessed myself that Asuka wouldn't be herself for a long time.   
"For the moment, it would be for the best if I stayed with Misato while you stay with her."   
"Rei...!"   
She was willing to let me live with Asuka. Alone in the same apartment...   
"Are you sure?"   
"Yes. Asuka is my friend. She needs help. And I think that you are the only one who can help her."   
Her words sounded convincing, but I didn't miss the look of worry on her face.   
"But... the agreement you have with her..."   
"It does not matter right now. Shinji... remember when you came to live with me weeks ago. You were in pain, you needed help and comfort. Now, it is your turn to provide comfort. Shinji... you must do whatever you can to show Asuka that there is someone who cares for her, that there is a reason to exist. Do what you must do."   
This sadness on her face...   
"Rei..."   
"I will go gather some of my belongings and move them to the Major's apartment. This way, all will be done when you and Asuka get there."   
This said, she left.   
This was her idea, her suggestion. Why did I suddenly feel like I was betraying her?   
  


- - -

When I entered Asuka's room, she was finishing putting on her clothes, her school uniform, since she never got the time to change before the tests at NERV and the following Angel attack. I panicked for a moment, probably feeling overly protective of her.   
"Asuka! You should be in bed!"   
"I'm fine."   
Her voice wasn't exactly monotonous, but almost. It got me a bit worried, but at least, when she looked at me, I realized that she wasn't slipping back into a state similar to the one I had found her after the attack. She was most likely trying to restore as much control over herself as she could. However, it was probably just a matter of time before she would be overwhelmed by her emotions again. Pain tend to do that. It doesn't go away that easily.   
"Are you sure you're okay?"   
"Yes. I am."   
For a moment, she eyed the ribbon of her uniform before shoving it into a pocket.   
"Let's leave."   
I guess there was no way to try to persuade her to stay, and Doctor Akagi had said that there was nothing more that could be done here, so I didn't try to object and followed her as she simply passed by me and left the room.   
At first, the nurses didn't appear willing to let Asuka have her way. The way they reacted suggested that Asuka and the infirmary staff probably had a few differences over the last months. It wasn't much of a surprise, Asuka was not, after all, the most patient of persons and from what I had gathered overtime, she hated hospitals even more than me. However, the nurses quickly calmed down as they noticed Asuka's lack of reaction. In fact, I believe some of them even looked worried. Finally, after checking with Doctor Akagi, they let Asuka go. There was no reason to keep her here, like she had previously told me.   
I was surprised to see that it was early in the morning. I hadn't realized we had spent so much time in the infirmary.   
The trip home was uneventful. Asuka didn't say a word. A few times, I tried to say something, to start a conversation, but somehow, I couldn't think about anything to talk about. So we both kept quiet, but for different reasons.   
As we reached Asuka's apartment, she seemed surprised to see that I was waiting for her to open the door. But that didn't last. Without a word, she let me follow her. Only inside did she finally fully acknowledge my presence.   
"Why are you here?"   
This was indeed a good question. Why was I here? To help and comfort her, Rei had said. Could I really do it?   
I found myself wishing Kaji was still alive. Even when I made decisions on my own, it had always been a reassuring thought to know that he was there, in case things didn't turn out right. I knew I could always seek his advice. But not anymore...   
_"Think for yourself and decide by yourself."_   
It was the last piece of advice he could give me.   
It not only applied to EVA, but to life itself, I realized. I had to be strong, stand my ground, make decisions and be sure of myself, no matter what. For my sake and more importantly for the sake of those I cared for.   
But this really wasn't easy!   
I missed Kaji a lot...   
"I'll be living here for a while."   
She glared at me. Finally, some expression on her face.   
"To watch over me? Make sure I don't do something stupid? Is that it?"   
"No... yes... I... I'm just worried. I... I don't want to leave you alone. I care for you... and I want you to know that. If you need anything... need to talk to someone... I'll be there."   
For a moment, her face softened, before giving me an annoyed look.   
"That's kind of you, but I don't need a baby-sitter!"   
I knew it was no use trying to change her mind. If I tried to impose my presence, it would only get on her nerves. Still, I could try a more subtle tactic, give her time to reconsider...   
"At least, let me make you something to eat, while you go take a bath. You must be as hungry as me. And a bath would be nice, wouldn't it? I'm sure you're eager to get rid of those traces of LCL..."   
She raised a hand to her nose. A look of disgust appeared on her face as she suddenly realized that the smell of LCL was indeed all over her. She seemed ready to continue the fight for a second, then relaxed by showing me a faint smile.   
"Thank you, Shinji..."   
She then walked toward the bathroom.   
  


- - -

  
We ate in silence. Asuka seemed more relaxed and refreshed, but she wasn't feeling more talkative. I looked at the girl before me, who only stared at her plate, her damp hair hiding part of her face, eating without much conviction, only because she needed it to silence her hunger and calm her stomach. I was getting really worried. If things keep up this way, she might slip into a deep depression, the sort I almost reached myself in the past. The first time, Kensuke, Touji and Misato pulled me out, before I started to think about doing something stupid. The second time, Rei helped me out. The third time, it took Kaji's advice. The girls may not have survived if I hadn't listened to him. Was I really fit to help Asuka? And how could I help her? That thing... the Angel... if I understood correctly what I had been told... what I had heard, Asuka's screams... it had invaded her mind. In a way it had... raped her.   
And I hadn't been able to help her. I failed to protect her. Rei saved her, but too late.   
Part of me wanted to blame myself. But I had learned my lesson from what Touji had told me. It was the Angels. It was their fault. This was the last time someone I loved would be hurt by them. This, I swore to myself.   
"She's not coming, is she?" asked Asuka, as she put her chopsticks on the table and raised her head to look at me.   
"Who... who do you mean?"   
"Rei."   
Oh... so now she was ready to talk about that...   
"No. She didn't think it would be a good idea, with the way you reacted in the infirmary."   
"I see."   
"Your words hurt her."   
For a brief instant, shock showed on her face.   
"Oh..."   
"She cares for you a lot, Asuka. She was there with me, in the infirmary, while we waited for you to regain consciousness. She was as worried as I was. And you know that it wasn't her intention to outperform you. She only wanted one thing: to save your life. We're friends and teammates... we have to look out for one another..."   
Her face lowered lightly, as if in shame.   
"I understand... I may not like it, but I understand. But when I saw her... the reality... just jumped at me... I had failed... and even if she's not responsible for it... she reminded me of my failure..."   
"But you didn't fail! There was nothing you could have done!"   
"I'd like to believe that..."   
I didn't know what more to say. She listened, but my words didn't seem to reach her. Why couldn't she understand that EVA wasn't that important?   
Maybe because of what she had said the day before. She had trained to pilot EVA almost all her life. It was her life. So, what would she be without it?   
"I'm tired. I want to rest for a while."   
Slowly, she made her way to her room. But before disappearing from sight, she looked at me again.   
"You can go tell her that I'm sorry. When I feel that I can face her again, I'll tell her myself."   
This said, Asuka retired to her room.   
She hadn't changed her mind. I was reluctant to leave her all alone, but I didn't want to oppose her wish either.   
I was about to leave the apartment, once I had cleaned up the table and the dishes, when I head the sobbing. I ran to Asuka's room and found her on her bed, in a ball, face buried in a pillow. If possible, she was crying even more than earlier in the infirmary. There seemed to be no end to her tears.   
"It's okay, Asuka, I'm here..."   
As I had done earlier, I delicately took her in my arms and let her cry there. I whispered words of comfort until I felt her breathing become more regular and her sobs getting fainter. After a while, she just laid there in my arms and all I could hear was her breathing and her heartbeat. She had apparently cried herself to sleep.   
With care not to wake her up, I gently moved her from my arms to her bed. For a few seconds, I stared at her face now resting on her pillow. She looked so fragile. So beautiful. Quietly, I left her side and walked toward the door.   
"Don't go", she whispered.   
I turned around to see those two blue orbs staring at me. They kept me locked where I was.   
"Shinji... don't leave me alone... please."   
The fragile expression on her face, almost on the verge of breaking. It made my heart ache.   
"Even if it's only for once... only for once... please... be mine... all mine..."   
Every fiber of my soul cried for me to fulfill her wish. Whatever was to happen, whatever the consequences, no pain caused could be equal to the pain this girl felt right now. I had tried to avoid getting myself hurt. I had tried to avoid letting anyone else be hurt as well. But it wasn't possible. I could, however, ease the pain Asuka felt here and now.   
I had to help her in any way I could. I had to.   
Because I couldn't bear to see her like this...   
I walked toward her.   
"I'm here for you, Asuka-chan..."   
No other words were needed, as I took her into a tight embrace.   
I felt no regret as we became one for a flicker of a moment. I knew that this wasn't a lie, but rather half of a truth. She was one of the two most precious people I had. And anything I could do to make one of them happy couldn't be wrong.   
  


* * *

  


_"Look at me! Mama, please, don't stop being my mother!"_   
_"Please, come to heaven with me..."_   
_"Mama, Mama, Please, don't kill me!"_   
_"Asuka darling, please come with me..."_   
_"No!"_   
The teenage girl woke up with a start, her heart beating so fast that she thought for a moment that it would burst out of her chest. Then, the memories came again, as did the tears, silent, yet present.   
"I... I hate crying," thought the girl as she felt more and more shameful. Then, she felt two arms wrapping around her, and lips touching the back of her neck.   
"It's okay, Asuka-chan. It was only a nightmare. You're safe here. I'm here."   
The voice was comforting, and the boy's frail arms felt strangely strong. How could this boy be the Ikari Shinji she had met when she first came to Japan? Where was that wimpy boy she had taken pleasure in humiliating time after time?   
Somewhere along the way, probably while she had been busy complaining about this and that, he had grown into a man.   
And tonight, she had been joined as one with him. She could still remember the pleasure-pain she had felt as his warmth and hardness entered her, and the ecstasy he had managed to lead her to. She had felt strangely empty when he left her. She still felt that way. Yet, she smiled. With one of her hands, she caressed her flat belly. Even if she could now feel his body against her back, something of his was still within her. He had tried to pull out, but she had not let him escape, forcing him to shoot his essence deep inside her. She could even be bearing his child at this very moment. The timing was nearly right.   
All her life, she had been resolved never to have a child. Children would get in the way of her career. But most importantly, she didn't want to bring into this world another life just to make it suffer like her own parents had made her suffer.   
"But if he's at my side..." she thought.   
The prospect didn't seem as unappealing anymore. In fact, it just increased the craving for him she had felt rising within her since the moment his arms encircled her naked flesh.   
She tried to chase those thoughts out of her mind. He still loved Rei as well. This was meant to be a one time only occurrence. One single moment where she could live a fantasy. It wasn't meant to happen again. At least, not for now.   
But what if he chooses Rei? Could she live without him? Especially since she now knew just how good he could make her feel?   
_"If he does not come back, I do not know what I will do. I do not know how I will be able to live on. He is all that I have."_   
At the time, she had called Rei stupid for thinking in such a way. But now... she understood what she had meant.   
"He's all I have left," she realized.   
With him, she could forget the past. Move on. But she could lose him. If she did... she would be all alone... with nothing. What then?   
She turned around, and hugged him tightly, reaching for warmth and comfort.   
"He's here now, Asuka. Forget the past, try not to think about the future, just cherish this moment..."   
When sleep claimed her again, peace and relief could be seen on her face. This time, only pleasant dreams were waiting for her. Dreams of an hypothetical future with him.   
  
  
[To be continued...]   
  
Next time:   
Chapter 10 - Never forget   
  


- - -

Omake: 

"Tell me what I have left if I can't pilot EVA, tell me why people should care about me..."   
The way Asuka had spoken... even if she felt utterly worthless without EVA, I knew that some part of her was pleading for an answer to that question. I was sure of it.   
"There's more to life then EVA! You... you... you're beautiful. You're bright! I mean, you graduated from college... And you can be really nice when you want to!"   
"Is that all? Is that all there is to Sohryu Asuka Langley?"   
I wished that I could have said more, but my brain just didn't seem willing to work properly.   
"It's... it's more then I can say about myself..."   
"You don't need more! You're Shinji the Hero!"   
"Who cares if I can pilot EVA?!"   
"I do!"   
"Well, I don't! I don't care! I don't care if you can't pilot those goddamn things again! I love you for who you are, not because you're a pilot!!!"   
Asuka's eyes opened wide. Maybe it was because she was surprised. Or maybe it was because I was strangling her. Isn't that what you do to people you love? (especially if they are the only other person in the world alive)   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][4]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note9_1
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap9



	11. Chapter 10 - Never Forget

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 10 - Never Forget   
By [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on February 20th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on October 31st 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on November 5th 1999   
Final draft finished on January 19th 2000   
Final revisions on March 15th 2000 

(*) Click to reach translations notes   
  


* * *

_   
On top of one of Tokyo-3's buildings, the young girl stared at the city spread before her as the sun rose from its slumber. The wind was strong and cold, making her gray hair flow behind her and tightly hugging her dress against her young body. She didn't mind; the wind felt good. It was so... free.   
She felt a deep sense of respect for this city. Even after such terrible attacks, it still stood, a reflection of the Lilims' pride. There were many damaged buildings here and there, but already, countless men and women were working hard to restore the city to its normal state... until the next wave of destruction would come.   
As she often did, the girl reflected on her purpose. Was it really necessary? She recalled the last assault. She had seen the results with her own eyes. The red one had been crushed. She would not interfere again. She felt sad for that girl. But even more for the boy.   
That boy... why couldn't she chase him from her mind...   
She stared at the sky. It was coming. She could feel it. Armisael, the Sixteenth Messenger. If it failed, then only one would be left.   
"Will you fight this time, Ikari Shinji?" _   
  


* * *

  


"Squawk! Squawk!"   
Pen-Pen flapped his wings happily as he greeted me in the apartment. It had been only a few days since I had moved into the next apartment, so I was surprised the warm water bird had apparently missed me. I bent down and petted his feathered head. Happy with that, he left for the kitchen where he picked up a beer from Misato's fridge.   
"Ohayo, Shinji." [(*)][3]   
My gaze left the penguin to look at Rei, who had just exited the bathroom, a large towel covering her body and another on her head. It felt good to hear her voice, and even better to see her. Not really willingly, we had avoided each other these last few days. Part of me felt a bit awkward around her, in a similar way I had felt around Asuka after the lake incident and before the destruction of Unit-03.   
"I will get dressed, then we can begin," said Rei simply, before smiling, apparently glad to see me as well.   
"I... I'll wait for you on the balcony."   
I watched her enter my old room and noticed that the small sign 'Shinji's lovely suite' still hung there. I thought back at the first time she had entered this room, the first time we slept together. It was a vivid memory, yet it felt like ages ago.   
After going to the bathroom to pick up the tools I would need to accomplish the task, I went to the balcony and prepared a chair for Rei. The wind was fresh, yet not cold, and the sun's rays shone brightly over the balcony. It would be perfect.   
"It is a nice day," said Rei as she joined me, putting my thoughts into words.   
"Yes."   
It was a nice day, but Rei was a prettier sight. She was wearing a short brown sundress, a piece of clothing I had never seen her wear. The color of her damp hair seemed more vivid than usual and the natural light of the day made her milky skin look paler. She was truly beautiful.   
With a hand I invited her to sit on the chair, then placed a towel over her shoulders.   
"Are you really sure you want me to do that?" I asked, suspiciously eyeing the pair of scissors I held in one hand and the comb in the other. "I... I'll likely mess it up..."   
"I have faith in you."   
"But... why... why ask me?"   
"Hotaru cut my hair the last time. It had felt good; relaxing. I wanted to feel this from you. And... hairdressers make me... uneasy. They tend to stare at my hair..."   
"Oh..."   
"It is also an opportunity to see you. I... missed you."   
The tone of her voice... I had resolved not to feel guilty on my choice of focusing on Asuka, to be there for her until she felt better. So far, I had managed to suppress any feeling of guilt. But those words... it felt as if she had just stabbed me with a knife.   
"I... I... I'm sorry..."   
Her fingers brushed against one of my hands that was currently resting on her shoulder. The touch was very gentle.   
"It is not your fault. I understand. And I am glad that you are helping her. So do not feel guilty."   
"Rei..."   
"We are together now, are we not? We should enjoy this moment..."   
I smiled, my heart feeling lighter. What did I do to deserve the love of such a girl?   
I leaned over with the intent of kissing her, when I was suddenly and rudely interrupted.   
"Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!!!"   
I looked down at the penguin. Was it my imagination or did Pen-Pen seem angry with me? I couldn't really tell due to the sunglasses he was wearing. Where did he pick those up anyway?   
"Pen-Pen!"   
The bird calmed down and looked at Rei, very happily it seemed. The teenage girl bent down to pick him up and placed him on her lap.   
"He... he seems to like you a lot..." I said, still confused by the penguin's behavior. He... he couldn't be jealous... could he?   
"I hope he does. He is my only company here. Without him, I would feel lonely. I think... I have grown used to company, ever since Asuka came to stay with me..."   
"Oh... so... that means Misato-san still spends most of the day at NERV..."   
Misato had not lied when she had said she would be looking for the truth. Ever since Kaji's death, her presence had faded from our lives more and more.   
"Yes. She only comes here to sleep, wash herself and change clothes. She rarely eats breakfast either."   
"Did she also keep her resolution to stop drinking beer?"   
A bit after she had told me that Kaji was dead, she had promised she would stop drinking as well. I hadn't really believed she could keep her promise, but she had seemed to hold up until I moved to Asuka's apartment.   
"I have not seen her drink ever since I came to live here."   
"Oh..."   
I felt proud of her. Habits were hard to break and the death of Kaji had given her a big blow. I knew better than anyone else how tempting it must have been for her to try to run away from reality...   
"You should now try to cut my hair before it is completely dry."   
I groaned. I had hoped she would change her mind. Obviously, she didn't intend to. So I picked up the comb and scissors... and got to work. I tried to stay calm, but I was a nervous wreck inside. I was sure I would mess her hair up completely!   
"How... is Asuka?"   
I had expected this question.   
"A bit better. Hikari invited her to her house, to try and cheer her up. But... there's still something... she won't speak about it. I think she's starting to accept that there was nothing she could do against that Angel... but I feel she's hiding something from me. She still cries at night. It... may be related to her mother. She sometimes says 'Mama' in her sleep."   
"I see... so you sleep with her."   
I froze.   
"She sometimes... calls for me..."   
I really wasn't ready to talk about that first night, but I didn't want to lie about it either. So I hoped I could simply avoid talking about it.   
"Do not worry. I do not mind. It is the right thing to do."   
I did not miss, however, that her voice didn't seem as sure as her words sounded.   
I really felt that we needed a change of subject.   
"Did you invite Hotaru over like I suggested?"   
The blue-haired girl nodded with a smile. I was glad to hear that. I had been afraid that Rei would feel lonely. She had once slept over at Hotaru's house, but had never invited her friend here. As she got closer to Asuka, Rei spent less time with her other friend. I thought it would be a good opportunity for both of them to have some time together.   
"So, you two had fun?"   
"It was... very pleasant..."   
I froze again.   
Rei was blushing. Heavily. That... was not normal.   
"What... what did you two do?"   
"We went to see a movie."   
The words were said almost flatly, but her blushing increased. I felt a growing sense of dread, especially when I remembered that Tokyo-3's movie theater was now closed during the day and only showed one type of movie during the night.   
My better judgment was telling me to drop the subject right here and now.   
"You... you... and... Hotaru... went to see a movie?"   
So much for my better judgment...   
"Yes."   
"What... what kind of... movie?"   
Damn! Why did I ask? I didn't want to know...   
Okay, I _did_ want to know, but I was trying hard to keep that part of me under control.   
"An adult movie," whispered the still blushing Rei.   
"W... why?"   
"Hotaru-chan had questions... about sex."   
"Ques... questions?"   
"Yes. She met someone over the Internet a few months ago. Someone our age, if that person did not lie. It seems she has developed... feelings for that individual. He asked to meet her in one week. She is afraid to accept. She was uncertain about what to do. So I told her about our first date... and how it ended. That is when she asked about... sex. She is quite shy and naive. I thought a demonstration would be the best way for her to... learn."   
"Did she...?"   
"She felt too embarrassed to do anything while in the theater..."   
While my brain was more or less in a process of shutdown, as one other part of my person was struggling for control, it did catch the possible implication that Rei may _not_ have been embarrassed to. My blood pressure probably rose at the thought, especially the mental image that came along.   
I also stopped noticing what I was doing with those scissors.   
"... so I had to teach her once we got back home."   
I was ready to faint then and there.   
"WHAT!? You two... did you...?"   
"No, she only followed my example."   
While I felt relief at the thought, it didn't made me feel any more comfortable.   
"Do not worry, Shin-chan. You are the only one I desire. When I watched those movies, I only thought of you."   
If she had been facing me and looked me in the eyes while saying that, I would probably have melted in her arms right there.   
But it fortunately wasn't the case.   
There was however some heavy tension in the air. Rei's heartbeat was probably as fast as mine.   
The situation could have grown out of control, that is if I had not noticed what I had done with Rei's hair.   
I gasped and forgot all about all that had been said seconds earlier.   
Oh god!   
I started to sweat...   
  


- - -

"I... I'm sorry..."   
Rei gave me an annoyed look.   
"You already apologized enough. It does not matter, Shinji. It will grow back."   
I tried to avoid looking at her. I really felt bad about that. I had warned her. Didn't I tell her I would mess her hair up?   
Well, it wasn't _that_ bad. Rei's hair had always been a bit unruly after all. Actually, the right side wasn't bad (I didn't work on it much). The problem was the left side was _much_ shorter. So it really gave Rei a weird look. I could have risked trying to remove some more hair on the right, but a call from Headquarter about an Angel attack prevented me from any further attempts.   
It was probably for the better.   
At least, it did have the beneficial effect of making Asuka laugh, for the first time in days. That is until Ritsuko ordered her to get into her plugsuit. I wished Misato had been there, Ritsuko could be so cold at times. For the first time ever, it was clear that Asuka wasn't at all eager to get into her EVA.   
I felt really bad for her.   
And even more worried.   
  


- - -

Unit-01 was still in cryostasis. I didn't like that fact one bit. After what had happened with the Fifteenth Angel, I had sworn to myself not to let the girls out alone again. Apparently, the Commander didn't care about that. What an idiot! There was no way Asuka was ready to go back. Not yet. If I hadn't been scared to hurt Asuka more than she was already, I would have asked to pilot Unit-02. But I knew they would have refused anyway. I was the only one who could pilot Unit-01, even if it was not to be used.   
I really hated this.   
The only thing that kept me from going crazy was my faith in Rei. She would succeed. I had to believe in her.   
"Rei..." I said as I opened a comm. link. Rei seemed very uneasy, which worried me. When she was in her EVA, she usually kept a calm and very professional attitude, her face would only show expression in very tense or dangerous situations. But right now, the Angel had yet to arrive...   
"Be careful..." I added after a few seconds.   
Rei's face softened, my words apparently being more meaningful than whatever was worrying her.   
"I will," she answered with a small smile, before terminating the communication.   
I was still worried, but at least not as much.   
  


- - -

By the time Misato finally got to NERV, the Angel had finally arrived and was under observation by Rei, who awaited further orders. So far, it had not used any mind-raping waves or energy blasts, which I considered a good thing. It just floated.   
"Rei! We'll observe its status for a while," ordered Misato, as she finally took command.   
"No. It is coming."   
What... what did she mean by that? Misato's words answered to that.   
"Rei! Evasive action!"   
"She can't! It's too late!" shouted Hyuuga.   
"Target has physically contacted Unit Zero!" confirmed Aoba.   
My God! Rei! I hoped she was all right!   
I think the people in the Control room analyzed the situation for a short time. I'm not sure how long exactly; to me it felt like hours. But eventually, Misato gave some orders to help Rei.   
"Eva Unit Two, launch! Have her rescue Rei, and provide cover."   
I really wished she would have said to launch Unit-01, even it if was unlikely. I really hoped that Asuka would manage to help. But part of me had doubts.   
"Asuka, advance three hundred meters and spread your AT-Field to maximum, then fire the palette gun aiming at the target's back part," ordered Misato. "Eva Unit-02, lift off!"   
For a long time, the only thing I could hear was the sound of silence.   
"Move out! Asuka! What's wrong? What's Unit-02's status?"   
"She can't move, Major, her sync ratio is under 10%!" replied Lieutenant Ibuki.   
"Asuka!"   
"It won't move... it just won't move..."   
Those were the only words Asuka could say between sobs. It was as I had feared. Asuka was unable to back Rei up; and even less capable of rescuing her. It was too much too soon, she wasn't ready...   
Damn!   
"Let me go out Misato!" I shouted as I activated Unit-01, this time without effort.   
I expected a negative answer. But I had to try. And if I needed to destroy Headquarters to go help Rei, then I was resolved to do it. I wouldn't let anyone be hurt anymore...   
I think I was surprised as everybody else as I heard the Commander's words.   
"The freeze on Unit-01 is canceled, effective immediately. Launch it as soon as possible."   
I wasn't about to argue!   
"I'm ready Misato! Get me out there quick!"   
"Yes... sure! As soon as you're out, spread your AT-Field to full power. A gun will be waiting for you. Grab it, fire at the target and get Rei the hell out of there!"   
"Yes Misato-san!"   
Most likely, the fact that Unit-01 was already activated and operational made things go faster, as within a minute, the giant humanoid weapon had been moved to the launching bay. Soon, I felt the familiar rush as I was catapulted to the surface. I was finally able to see with my eyes what was happening to Evangelion Unit-00, and had a hard time waiting the few extra seconds needed to free my EVA from the restraints. I wanted to simply run up to her and save her, but my common sense told me I would have a better chance to do so if I followed Misato's orders.   
Apparently, activating my AT-Field made the Angel aware of my presence. If it hadn't been for a warning by Misato, I would never have been able to dodge its attack as my attention left it for a second or two, time it took me to pick up the rifle that had been sent to me. While one of its ends stayed attached to Unit-00, the other launched itself at me. It missed, but it destroyed my rifle. The end of that thing twisted in mid-air, and again moved toward me. I don't know exactly how I managed it; that thing was extremely fast, but somehow the left hand of my EVA caught the worm of light. It twisted into the metal fist to free itself, but I held tight. As the other arm of the EVA reached for my progressive knife, I suddenly felt a sharp pain; as if my left hand it was on fire or something. I looked at the view screen where I noticed that Unit-01's left hand was getting deformed by the Angel. I was later told it tried to contaminate the hand. Then I saw that my own hand, under the plugsuit was suffering from the same type of "injuries" as my EVA. On reflex, I almost let it go. But then, a thought occurred to me.   
It was not just an impression. I suffered from what my EVA suffered. If so, then...   
I looked at Unit-00...   
Rei!   
I grabbed the prog knife and savagely hit the Angel many times, trying to cut it in pieces. Blood gushed from the slashes. I was about to literally cut it in two when suddenly I heard Rei scream through the comm. system. The voice of Misato followed immediately.   
"Shinji, whatever you do, stop it now! Rei's life sign are going crazy!"   
Oh no... was it possible that hurting that thing... hurt Rei?   
This time, I tried to let go, but it now seemed fixed to the EVA's fingers. Panicking, I dropped the knife and grabbed another part of the Angel and pulled. I felt a very painful ripping sensation as the Unit's left hand and the Angel were forcibly separated, leaving that hand a bloodied mess. I didn't really want to think how badly my own hand was injured, but I know it was almost too painful to try to use. I then let go of the Angel before it would do damage to the other hand. Even after only a few seconds, it had somehow melted the armor and has started to attack the flesh of that hand. It felt as if I had just burned my hand on a hot iron or something.   
I tried to prepare myself to dodge a new attack by that thing, as this was the only thing I could do for now until someone came up with some kind of a plan, when suddenly, the Angel stiffened. On the other side of the Angel, Unit-00 seemed to roll into a ball around the part of the Angel that was connected to it. Over the comm. system, I heard the words "Inversed AT-Field."   
"Rei! What the hell are you doing?!" shouted an obviously upset Misato.   
No answer from Unit-00. I grew worried. Rei had changed, but not as much to ignore a question by a superior.   
"Rei! Abandon the EVA! Eject your entry plug!" ordered Misato.   
"No. If I leave, the AT-field will cease to be. So, I will not."   
What... what was she saying? If she did that... she'd...   
"Rei! Do what Misato says!"   
A communication screen from Unit-00 appeared. However, the words "Sound Only" was the only thing I could see on it.   
"It is too late..."   
"Rei!!!"   
I couldn't let her do that! I couldn't let her die! Even if part of me knew I'd never make it in time, my EVA ran toward Unit-00.   
People in the control room did not notice it because of the LCL, but I was crying.   
"Shinji... Whatever happens... never forget... that I love you."   
"NO! Rei! Don't do this! REI!!!"   
"I love you..."   
Those whispered words were followed by the sound of a loud explosion. The pure white light blinded me. I felt pain as the explosion engulfed Unit-01 and sent it into the air, and even more pain as I slammed into the ground hard, my own head hitting forcefully the entry plug seat. I lost consciousness. I'm not sure if it was because of the physical pain, however. I had felt worse in the past. I believe it was because part of my heart was torn apart that day.   
  


- - -

I woke up with a start, barely able to breathe, my mind still half-asleep. In my dreams, an Angel had attacked and Rei had died. I tried to get up, but the sheets of my bed were entangled around me and I lost my balance and fell out of bed. That brought me back to reality. I wish it hadn't however, as I realized I was in an infirmary room and not in my own room. This would mean... I raised my hands to look at them. They were wrapped in bandages. I remembered the pain I had felt as the Angel had contaminated Unit-01's hands with only a single touch.   
That... that couldn't be...   
Awkwardly but frantically, I removed the bandages of my left hand. The light was dim, but I could still clearly see how swollen the skin was in some places. There were even a few light scars here and there, proof that some kind of operation had been done. The slight dizziness I was feeling was probably a side effect from the painkillers that surely made those injuries bearable.   
The Angel had contaminated Unit-01's hands.   
I had tried to fight it, but it only hurt Rei.   
So, Rei...   
No. No. NO!!!   
Without really thinking, I rushed out of the room, not caring about the fact that I was only wearing a hospital gown (at least I wasn't naked this time). I had to find Rei. Surely she was alive! She must have escaped! If I looked around, I would find her!   
My reaction had not gone unnoticed by the staff of the infirmary. It had probably something to do with the fact that I was asking for her at the top of my lungs. I had only checked five or six rooms when I was grabbed by three nurses. I tried to escape them, but they managed to inject me with something. I lost consciousness on the spot.   
  


- - -

When I woke up again, my mind seemed wrapped in a thick fog. It was probably the effects of some sedative. I stared at the ceiling, and felt tears wet my cheeks. My mind was a bit of a mess, but there were some facts I couldn't ignore. I hadn't reached Unit-00 and yet the explosion had sent my EVA flying in the air, even with my AT-Field at full strength. Even if she had ejected, Rei's entry plug would have been almost at the center of the explosion. There was no way an entry plug could have survived.   
Rei was... dead.   
"Shinji..."   
I looked up to see Misato standing at the side of my bed. She seemed sad. Not as much as when she told me that Kaji was dead, but it was close.   
"Misato-san... tell me this is just a nightmare... please..."   
She just shook her head. Some tears made their way down her cheeks.   
"No... please, no!"   
I was crying again, tears flowing freely this time.   
Misato sat down on the edge of the bed at my side. She looked at me straight in the eyes.   
"She's gone, Shinji."   
I remember the day following the trip to the lake. How sad I had been. At that time, it had felt as if it was the end of the world. How naive of me. Not being loved by someone isn't the most painful experience you can live. What hurts most is losing someone you love. And it's even worse if that person loves you back.   
The pain I felt at that moment was so intense it was almost physical. It was as if I was about to be engulfed in a sea of darkness. Probably instinctively, I reached for Misato, held her as tightly as I could, not to be swept away by that wave of sorrow. I don't remember much more then that. I only remember the pain. I probably fell asleep, as I remember clearly waking up, my head just below her chest. Her arms were around me, and she laid asleep on the bed herself. The pain was there, and I still had some tears left to cry, but the feelings were not as intense as before. My sobs probably woke her up, as she brought one or her hands up to my head to stroke my hair. It was now her turn to comfort me.   
"Somehow... it will be okay, Shinji... I promise..."   
She made no effort to get up. She just laid there, letting me rest.   
"How...?"   
"I... I don't know Shinji..."   
Despite the pain in my heart, it felt good being there. It felt good to feel her regular breathing. I didn't feel alone.   
Moments of relative peace as these can't last forever, however. I was slowly drifting to sleep when Hyuuga came in the room. Had I not been so depressed, I might have laughed at the expression that appeared on his face when he saw the way Misato was holding me. Poor Makoto...   
"I... I'm sorry Major, but... the Commander wants to see you."   
He did look really sorry, I realized as our eyes met. Part of my brain took notice that Hyuuga was a good man. The other part was still fixed on Rei's death.   
I didn't want Misato to leave, but I knew she didn't have much choice. So I let her get up.   
"I'm sorry, Shinji..."   
"It's okay..."   
She was about to leave, when she spoke again.   
"Whenever you feel ready, you can go back home. There's... something for you there. A letter. I asked Asuka to put it in your room..."   
A letter? A letter... from Rei?   
This shook me up enough to clear my mind. In a rush, I looked for my clothes and put them on. A few minutes later, I was on my way home.   
  


- - -

  
  
  
  


My dearest Shinji, 

Ever since the attack of the Fifteenth Angel, I have felt a sense of dread wash over me. I do not know why, but I feel that the next battle may very well be my last. Maybe I am just scared. What happened to Asuka is frightening and the Angels appear to becoming stronger and stronger. I am aware of the level of my skills, and I doubt that I can win on my own against the next Angel. But I have sworn to myself that I would always keep you safe. And I intend to keep that oath. I am scared, yet at peace. 

I hope, however, that I will be able to come back to you. 

But if I cannot... please know that I am sorry. You will likely soon learn the secrets I tried to keep from you. I wanted to tell you, but I never found the strength. Because I know I would have lost you if I had. 

I should never have existed. Yet, I am. 

I also thank you, Ikari Shinji. You gave me so much. Before knowing you, I existed, but did not live. I only existed for His purposes. You made me feel. You made me think. You gave me a will. You gave me life. I could never thank you enough. 

Know that I love you, Shinji. 

I love you. I will always.   


Rei 

  
  


As I read the first words, I felt my knees buckle. As I reached the middle of the letter, tears fell on the sheet of paper, messing up Rei's neat handwriting. I was unable to stand anymore. As I finished the letter, I was curled into a ball in the floor, crying my heart out again.   
She had known she would die. Clutched in my hand was proof of that. A silver cross on a silver chain; the cross she always wore. I had found it in a small envelope along with the letter.   
She had known she would die, yet, she still piloted.   
_"But I have sworn to myself that I would always keep you safe."_   
For my sake.   
_"And I intend to keep that oath."_   
She had. And it had cost her life. Why? Why did she do this? So I could live? Didn't she know I would rather have died than know that she had sacrificed her life for mine?   
I rose up and looked at the ceiling, toward the sky I could not see, toward that place where they said that God lived. That god who had sent his messengers to destroy us. That god who had taken Rei from me.   
It wasn't fair... it wasn't fair!   
"It's not fair! REI!"   
I collapsed on the floor. Pain was leaving place to anger. I hit the floor with my fist, then a second time, and then a third. Again and again, until the bandages of my hands were stained with red and my hands felt too numb to hurt anymore.   
Unknown to me, someone had watched all this, in a mix of horror, pain and confusion. I only became aware of her presence as her arms encircled me.   
Soft feminine arms. Warm and comforting.   
"... Rei?"   
"Shinji..."   
She had only whispered my name. But it was enough to recognize the voice. Asuka.   
Some irrational thought wanted me to break free of her embrace. This wasn't right. Rei was the one who usually comforted me. Sometimes Misato. Never Asuka. But I felt too weak to struggle.   
And then a felt a tear on my cheek. A tear that had not been shed by my eyes.   
Then I heard the sobs, joining mine.   
I'm sure if someone had been there to watch us, they would have had found it hard to believe these two children, one holding the other while both were crying, were mankind's only hope.   
  


- - -

After some time, we eventually calmed down. Asuka was lying on the floor and I was lying on her side, my head resting on her developing chest, rocked by the slow movement of her regular breathing. The thought occurred to me that my head was probably very heavy for her and that her position, sandwiched between me and the floor was probably uncomfortable, but I felt unwilling and unable to move.   
"I should be glad that she's dead. I can have you all to myself now."   
Asuka...   
"But I'm not. I feel horrible for even considering the thought and I feel sad whenever I think about her."   
I was hearing the words, but didn't really feel anything about them.   
"I really hated her. I often wished for her to die."   
I didn't even feel angry.   
"Why am I not glad she's gone?"   
I didn't have anything to say.   
"It's confusing. I think she was my friend. I think I cared about her. I know that knowing she's gone... it hurts..."   
So I kept quiet.   
"I should have died instead of her. I'm the useless one. I couldn't even take one step. I failed her utterly. I failed everyone else. I'm worthless."   
Silence filled the room again for a long time. Seconds, maybe even minutes.   
"Why? She died for me... why?" I finally said.   
"Because she loved you more than life itself."   
"But I loved her too..."   
Silence.   
"I know..." Asuka's voice seemed almost broken as she said those words.   
"SHINJI!"   
I heard Misato say my name as she ran in the apartment and burst into my room. Her face appeared on the door opening, she seemed almost out of breath, yet there was such a sparkle of life in her eyes.   
"She's alive!"   
I bolted right up as I heard those words, my entire body feeling suddenly energized, forgetting all about the girl that was holding me.   
It couldn't be... but if it was true...   
"What?!"   
"She's alive! Rei's alive!"   
Thank God!   
"Where?!"   
"NERV infirmary, First Cranial Nerve section!"   
This was all I needed to know. I was out of the apartment in a flash, followed closely by Misato, leaving a shocked Asuka behind.   
  


- - -

She was there. Looking out through a window, bandages on her head and arms, a patch over her right eye, wearing an infirmary nightgown.   
She was there!   
I ran toward her. If this was a dream, I prayed I wouldn't wake up before reaching her.   
"Rei! You're alright! Thank God! You're... you're alive!"   
Everything was alright now. She was alive. She hadn't been taken from me. We could go back to the way we were before. With Rei's help, Asuka would get better. We'd fight off the last Angels together, nothing could stop us now. We'd all get over this, now that Rei was back.   
"Who are you?"   
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.   
It's then I noticed them. The changes. Small details. The flawless unruly blue mop of hair, which had not suffered from my attempts to cut it. Her bandages, on the same exact places then we first met. The expression on her face, an expression I had not seen in months, never this lifeless.   
This was not Rei.   
"You're not Rei."   
I wanted to scream, but the words came out flatly.   
She looked at me for a whole minute, analyzing me.   
"I think not. I think, probably, I am the third."   
I did not completely understand those words. But some of those were clear enough for me. This... thing... wasn't Rei. And if it wasn't Rei, then Rei was...   
No... no...   
"NO!"   
This... this couldn't be true. Someone... someone must have been playing a cruel joke on me. Otherwise, why give this thing the face of a girl I loved?   
But those red eyes...   
I... I couldn't look at that thing one more second. So I ran as far from it as I could.   
  


- - -

I don't know exactly how long it took for me to get back to my senses. I had probably wandered the Geofront like some madman for minutes, maybe even hours. I stared at the patch of watermelon right in front of me. Something in my unconscious had probably prompted me to come here. Feeling exhausted, I let myself fall on my knees.   
"Kaji... what should I do... I don't understand what's going on..."   
Why did he have to die? I needed help. I needed answers. What was going on? What had happened to Rei? If the girl I had seen was not Rei, then what was it?   
I could ask Misato... but I doubt she had the answers. She wouldn't have told me that Rei was alive if she hadn't believed that. Kaji would have known... but he was dead. Who? Who could tell me?   
"Doctor Akagi."   
She always seemed to know a lot, more then she would say. She was the head behind Project-E. If there was something wrong about one of the pilots, she would be the first to know. She had to have the answers.   
The question was: Would she give them to me?   
There was only one way to know.   
"Thank you Kaji... I'm sure somehow... you inspired me..."   
I got up, gave a last look to the fruits, then walked toward NERV.   
  


- - -

I had never visited Ritsuko's office, but I had a vague idea of where it was, so finding it was no problem. Curiously, she was actually there, staring at her computer. At least for once, something went right.   
"Doctor Akagi."   
Startled, the blond haired scientist almost jumped off her seat. Only then, I noticed what was on her computer screen. It was a picture of my father, a woman I didn't know but who seemed somehow... familiar... and a young woman that looked like Ritsuko, only younger and with brown hair. Could it be... a picture of Ritsuko, from years ago? In any case, it didn't matter, so I brought my attention back to the Doctor, who had quickly calmed down from her startled state.   
"What can I do for you, Shinji?"   
Usually, Ritsuko gave off an air of calm and control. Not this time. It was as if she had been... shaken by something. And it wasn't my unexpected visit, I was sure. As I stared at the brown eyes, I noticed that they were slightly puffy and red.   
I realized I didn't care.   
"I want the truth. I want to know what was that thing I saw in the infirmary."   
For a moment, her eyes went wide.   
"The infirmary? You mean Rei?"   
"It wasn't Rei."   
Again, she seemed surprised.   
"I have no idea what you're trying to say, Shinji. And I assure you, the person you saw is Ayanami Rei."   
"No, it looks like her, but it isn't her. She couldn't have grown hair in less then a day. And I've seen the explosion up close. There was no way she could have lived through that. Besides..." I added as I looked at both my bandaged hands, "... her injuries would have been really awful."   
Surprisingly, this time, the Doctor only nodded.   
"Just as I thought. Not everyone would have believed in Rei's sudden reappearance. Very well, Shinji... know that I'm not lying when I'm say that the person you saw is Ayanami Rei. The truth is far more complicated."   
"Then, what's the truth?"   
"You won't believe me, so I might as well show you..."   
  


- - -

I followed the Doctor in dark corridors deep underground, definitely lower then the levels I had access to. I must admit, I felt a bit nervous about all this, but I was determined to see this through. I was determined to get answers to my questions.   
_"You will likely soon learn the secrets I tried to keep from you. I wanted to tell you, but I never found the strength. Because I know I would have lost you if I had."_   
Those secrets Rei could not tell me... I had to know what they were.   
We had been walking in some poorly lit corridor for a while when Ritsuko stopped in front of a door. I realized it was the first door we had seen ever since we had left the elevator that had led us to this level. The words 'Terminal Dogma: Level 1 Sector 2' were written above it. Although, at first glance, I rather noticed the words 'Keep out'. And I must say I didn't really feel at ease when I also noticed the words 'Trespassers will be shot on sight'. The only reassuring thought was that I was the only EVA pilot available right now, therefore indispensable, that is until they did compatibility tests between Ayanami and Unit-02... or until they found another pilot. I shuddered at the thought, remembering what had happened to the Fourth Children...   
In a swift movement, Ritsuko slid a red card into a card reader on the left of the door.   
Nothing happened. The Doctor seemed obviously surprised.   
"It won't work without my pass."   
I nearly gasped as suddenly, Misato was behind the blonde haired scientist, her gun on her back. I never saw her coming. She had a very serious expression on her face. Somehow, I felt that she might actually use her weapon if needed to. It scared me. This wasn't my Misato...   
I wondered... could I have gone this far myself to know the truth?   
"I see. Did Kaji arrange this?"   
For someone who had a gun poking into her back, the Doctor didn't seemed perturbed at all.   
"I want to know the secrets you hide here."   
"Very well. I was on my way to show Shinji some of them. You can come along."   
  


- - -

We used what I can only describe as an elevator of light. No, that's not an accurate description. Rather, a metal platform that slowly went down some sort of chain of bright red energy beams, entwined together a bit like a DNA chain. I have no idea how the thing worked, how we seemed to go down, floating, without cables. The thought of asking Ritsuko never even came to mind. I just stared at the beam of light, half amazed, half lost in thoughts. The Doctor and Major were not more talkative.   
When we reached the bottom of the "elevator", we ended up in yet another huge and dark corridor, without apparent end. At least, there was a few small electric vehicles at our disposal this time. Without wasting time, Ritsuko motioned us to get on and we went on our way to... only Ritsuko knew where.   
After a few minutes, she stopped in front of twin metal doors. On their left, there was a panel, with numbers on it. We got out of the vehicle, then Ritsuko entered a series of numbers, then slid her card into a card reader on the panel. The doors slid open.   
There was no light in the room. It seemed rather large, but I couldn't really make out the size. I did notice however that we seemed to be standing on a small platform as there was railing all around us.   
As the metal doors closed, the room became pitch black. I couldn't see a thing, I couldn't even see Ritsuko and Misato. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea. Then, lights in the ceiling came on, briefly blinding me. As I got my sight back, I was shocked to realize that the room before us was huge. I couldn't even guess how large it was. But more shocking was what I saw on the ground. Bones. Giant bones. Some kind of skulls, vertebrae that made a giant spinal column, shoulder blades... overall, the remains of probably a few dozens giant beings.   
"Are these... EVAs?" I asked, still under the shock of that sight.   
"The first experimentations," answered Ristuko coldly. "Failures. Disposed of 10 years ago."   
"A graveyard for EVAs."   
"Nothing that sophisticated, Shinji. It's only a dumping ground."   
As I was staring at what might have been Evangelions, I only heard Ritsuko opening the doors before the light went off. She walked out and Misato and I simply followed her in silence.   
While riding toward our next destination, the Doctor commented what we had just seen.   
"As you could see, Evangelion science is not something we fully comprehend. A lot of mistakes were made while we learned. Out of those experimentations, we only managed to make two workable Evangelions. The rest were failures. And even our two successes were not without problems. Unit-00, since it was the prototype, never provided the same efficiency as Unit-02. As for Unit-01... it brought a curse upon what was to become NERV."   
Unit-01? A curse?   
After two minutes of driving, the Doctor stopped in front of a single metal door. Again, she entered a code on a numeric lock and the door slid open. The lights revealed a room with a table, a number of pieces of old computer equipment and a lot of wires on the wall and floor, as well as shattered windows. Beyond the windows seemed to be a very large room. While this was not the perspective I was used to, it reminded me of the room in which the EVA compatibility test had been performed, that is until Unit-00 went berserk, as I tried to synch with it, and trashed the room.   
"This looks like the room where EVAs activation tests are performed," noted Misato, confirming my thoughts.   
"Yes. Which is perfectly natural since that was the purpose of this place. This is where the earlier activation tests of the prototype and test type Evangelions were made."   
"Unit-00 and Unit-01?" I asked.   
"Yes. Do you remember this place Shinji?"   
There was a strong sense of deja vu, but...   
"No... I... I don't..."   
"I'm not surprised. This is the place where your mother disappeared. You were here when it happened. You saw it all, you were watching, the moment when she disappeared."   
"Ritsuko!" said a shocked Misato.   
It was too late however, as the memories began to arise within me. It was not very clear. I remembered Mother taking me here. Then she left me with Father. There was also a woman with him. I was looking through the windows... I saw her wearing something like a plugsuit... entering something resembling an entry plug... then a man came in the room... Sub-commander Fuyutsuki? Then... the voice of mother... then... screams... Mother... Father crying...   
Mother never came back after that...   
I blacked out.   
  


- - -

I woke up hearing the worried voice of Misato. Ritsuko just leaned against a wall and looked at me impassively.   
As I recognized where we were, I almost panicked, but after a few longs seconds, I calmed down. I remembered now... but I wished I didn't.   
Mother had been killed... in what was apparently a synch test.   
Then, could this mean...? This was the piece of the puzzle I had been missing, or rather that I hadn't been willing to face. It explained everything: that warm feeling I always felt inside EVA, why Unit-01 had always protected me and why Father was so protective of it.   
Mother was inside Unit-01.   
The thought didn't make me feel better.   
"So, you understand now, Shinji. This is what you've been running away all of your life, this is what made your father the man he is today."   
"Yes."   
"Good. We can move along then."   
"Wait! What's going on here?" asked Misato.   
I gave her the most reassuring smile I could make up.   
"I'll tell you soon."   
This didn't seem to satisfy Misato, but she didn't insist. I was glad. We followed Ritsuko. Apparently, our next location was near as we walked this time. In fact, it was just on the other side of the corridor. Above the metal door, the words 'Artificial Evolutionary Laboratory' were written. As before, the Doctor had to type a numeric code to open the door.   
I guess that normally my first reaction would have been one of surprise, but I was a bit out of it from all that I learned in the previous room. It didn't prevent me from realizing that this place seemed familiar however.   
"This room... it looks just like Rei's room. Before she came to live in our apartment complex."   
"I'm not surprised, since this is the place where Ayanami Rei was born," said Ritsuko matter of factly.   
"Rei was born... in this room?"   
"Yes."   
Misato seemed impatient to go ahead, apparently not finding anything of interest in this room, but I barely noticed and didn't care. I still had questions.   
"Is this why Rei was so...?"   
I couldn't really find the right words.   
"Inept at living? Is this what you're trying to ask? Perhaps. This is where she spent her first months, before she was relocated outside of Headquarters. The image of this place was probably burned deeply into her psyche. Her birth place. The reason she existed. Her destiny. This is also where she met Him."   
Him? The Commander? Father?   
What exactly was his role into all this?   
"Dr. Akagi, I didn't come to see this," Misato said finally, tired of waiting.   
"Be patient, Major. You'll have the answers you seek as I give Shinji the information he asked of me. But you're right, there's nothing left to see here. So we might as well go forward."   
We exited the room to walk toward yet another metal door. Ritsuko looked at me and gave me a serious look.   
"This is your last chance to stop Shinji. Once you've seen what's behind this door, your perception of some things will be changed forever. You'll know the truth, but be aware that this be of no comfort and it won't solve your problems. If fact, it may make them worse."   
"I understand. But I need to know the truth. For myself."   
"Very well. Don't complain if you can't handle it."   
Then, with a swift use of her ID card and after entering a long series of numbers, the door opened.   
The next room... was odd. It was pitch black, and seemed circular, its size defined by two beams of green light that ran around the room, that would have made a perfect circle if the door had not been in the way. In the middle of the room stood a large glass tube, filled with what looked suspiciously like LCL. On the top of the glass tube was a metal tube, that went up and connected to an intricate mass of more metal tubes and wires. Also, unlike the previous rooms visited, this room didn't seem dead. The sound of machinery at work was unmistakable.   
Ritsuko looked at me.   
"Shinji, this is what you came to see. Behold, the core of the dummy plug system."   
"This is the core of the dummy plug?" asked Misato, obviously surprised.   
The dummy plug. I suddenly remembered something that Rei had said about it.   
_"The data from the system that took over... the dummy plug system... it... it came from me..."_   
The dummy plug... Rei...   
"Rei was involved with this system, wasn't she?"   
"More then you can imagine. I'll show you the truth; it will speak for itself."   
From her lab coat, the scientist removed something that looked like a remote, and pushed one button. Suddenly, the space between the two lights on the circular wall was lit in orange light.   
I gasped as I realized that the light had this color because that part of the wall was actually made of glass, and behind that glass was LCL. But more stunning was the sight of maybe a hundred naked girls. All the same, exactly the same. A girl I thought I knew well.   
Ayanami Rei.   
"R... Rei! Those... those are all Rei! So many of them..."   
Then, if I wasn't shocked enough already, all those girls suddenly opened their eyes and stared at us. They all had that blissful... happy expression on their faces... it was scary.   
"My God!"   
"What... what the...!" gasped Misato. "Are you saying that... that the dummy plug is...?"   
"Yes, these are the core of the dummy plug and this place is the factory where we 'manufacture' them."   
"What... what are those...? Are they... Rei?" asked Misato.   
"There are only dummies. And nothing but spare parts for Rei."   
"What... what is Rei?"   
It was a question I was starting to wonder about myself.   
"The thing you know as Ayanami Rei is only a clone. A creation of man like EVA, from a god we found and wanted to revive in our image, to serve us. That is EVA. Rei, on her part, is a man made human-angel hybrid. You may have recognized some of her features... those of Ikari Yui."   
Misato gasped. I barely blinked. Somehow... I wasn't that much surprised. Deep inside, I had always known, instinctively or unconsciously perhaps. I just never really tried to face the truth. But there were so many things. Her face... her smile... similar, yet very different. It was a feeling hard to explain.   
Some may have found that revelation disturbing. I mean, I had fallen in love with a girl partly issued of the genes of my mother. We had shared a relation that real siblings didn't share. But whatever Rei's origins... I realized I didn't care. The only truth that mattered to me was that... Rei was Rei. The rest was... unimportant.   
"You mean... Rei is... Shinji's mom?!"   
"No." I said flatly. "Mother is in Unit-01."   
Misato gasped again. Ritsuko barely reacted. She only gave me a slightly curious glance.   
"Did you find out while trapped inside Unit-01?"   
I nodded.   
Misato looked confused. Ritsuko noticed and explained.   
"Ikari Yui was lost in the first activation test of Unit-01. Since then, we have theorized that her soul was trapped inside of it. Shinji just confirmed it now."   
"So... that... that would explain all the times it went berserk..."   
Ritsuko nodded.   
"And Rei?"   
"Like I said, these are all clones. Spare parts for Rei's soul and for the dummy plug system. A human creation, like EVA. These are just... puppets."   
"How could you play God like that?"   
The Doctor gave a strange smile.   
"Ask Ikari."   
"She is human." I finally stated. "Or at least was. More than any of us..."   
"Maybe..." admitted Ritsuko. "What makes a human really? Just look at yourself. You look human. You have human feelings. Yet, in some ways, you're like her."   
"Like her?" asked Misato. "What do you mean?"   
"Well... this is top secret, but in truth, Shinji is just a clone of his former self. You saw it like I did. The LCL that contained his body while he was trapped into EVA was dumped before we could get him back. Through unknown means, Shinji's body has been recreated by Unit-01, then ejected from it's core. While this body is, as far as we could see, identical to the original and holds your soul, you are now a child of Unit-01 and only a copy of your former self."   
While Misato gasped, I just listened. Somehow, I knew that Ritsuko was speaking the truth. And I think I had reached a point where I simply didn't care about anything anymore. Too many truths to try to accept. So, I wasn't completely myself? Big deal...   
Besides, if Rei accepted who she was...   
But did she ever truly accept it? She never told me about any of this...   
I couldn't really blame her. Would I have believed any of this?   
"Why...? Why doesn't she remember me?" I asked, this being really the only question I wanted answered.   
"If she had kept her memories of you, she couldn't have been used for whatever plan Ikari has for her. So the Commander asked me to take care of this little detail. I'm sorry Shinji."   
That, however, caused some reaction from me, my anger suddenly rising.   
"Sorry?! You think that's enough?! She died, and then you brought her back to life to kill her again! You erased her memories! And you're only sorry?!"   
"You're right, all this is wrong. That puppet shouldn't have been allowed to come back in the first place. It would have been better for everyone. So I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."   
Ritsuko pushed another button on the remote she held. There was a little beep, then suddenly I heard high pitched noises from all around the room. The clones... they seemed to be in pain. Then, they seemed to melt in a very bloody scene. The orange LCL became redder. I almost got sick looking at that, but I couldn't look away, I was frozen by the horror that was taking place right in front of me. Those things, whatever they were... were all dying.   
"What are you doing?" demanded Misato, despite the very obvious answer. She pulled her gun and pointed it at her friend.   
"I'm destroying them! I'm getting rid of those human shaped things... putting an end to the pain. I lost against that thing. No... I could never win. She never left his mind..."   
What she talking about... my father? Was it why she had... done this?   
The Doctor fell on her knees, in tears. I looked at her, not believing what I was seeing. Ritsuko... crying... and... because of my father? Did she... could she... have feelings... for him?   
"I'm stupid, as stupid as my mother was. So foolish... You can kill me, if you want. I'd welcome death."   
The Major lowered her weapon. She looked sorry for Ritsuko.   
"You are truly stupid if you wish that."   
  


- - -

While Misato had been expecting a group of armed men, only Commander Ikari and Sub-commander Fuyutsuki came. As he looked at me for some long seconds, I barely resisted the urge to jump at the Commander. This would have been a very convenient way to let some anger out, but it might have put us in more trouble than we already were. Well, rather, in more trouble than Misato was already in. As I was for now the most reliable EVA pilot available, as well as the only one who could pilot Unit-01, it was unlikely that they would do anything to me... for the time being anyway.   
At least, I got some satisfaction from the look on the Commanders face. As he looked at the LCL tanks that now held the molten remains of what had previously been Rei clones, shock clearly showed on his face. This was however replaced quickly by anger. A red burning anger. As he turned his gaze toward Ritsuko, she seemed to shrink unto herself. He reverted however to the cold Ikari Gendo known by everyone as he looked at me. Maybe it was because I was glaring at him the same way he had just glared at Ritsuko. If this caused any emotion within him, he hid it well. Finally, he looked at Misato.   
"Major. Escort Dr. Akagi to Security. She will be detained there until further notice."   
"Yes sir."   
While Misato was obviously making efforts of her own to stay calm, there was still some venom in her voice.   
It was then Fuyutsuki's turn to look at the Major and me.   
"Forget whatever you think you saw tonight... or you may join Dr. Akagi."   
While the old man had said this threat very seriously, he obviously didn't seem very happy about this whole situation. Actually, he gave me the impression of someone who was very tired, probably tired about all the lies and all the pain caused by EVA.   
I stayed silent as Misato acknowledged this new order. But I knew very well that she wouldn't follow it.   
  


- - -

When I finally reached home, I felt totally drained. My mind was feeling numb from all those sudden revelations. Mother had died in a synch accident and now existed within EVA. Rei was partially a clone of my mother, she was the dummy plug and she was simply replaced by another Ayanami when she died. Her memory had been erased and now Ritsuko had destroyed all other Ayanami clones.   
Oh, and I was a clone too...   
I really felt tired.   
The recent events had been so tiring that the death of Rei suddenly seemed like something that had happened long ago. That reality would probably hit me soon enough...   
Everything was black in the apartment. Since it was late, I guessed Asuka was asleep. Fine with me, I only wanted one thing, go to bed, fall asleep and stop thinking for a few hours.   
As I turned on the light in my room after closing the door, I froze. On my bed, I noticed an envelop as well as Asuka's interface headsets. Fear almost overcame me. Yet, with unsteady hands, I managed to open the envelop. Unlike Rei's, Asuka's handwriting was sloppy and almost devoid of kanji. But I really didn't care.   


Shinji, 

I lost to a girl I both hate and love, my friend and my rival. No... I didn't lose. I understand now that I never had any chance to begin with. That look on your face when Misato told you that Rei was alive... I know you'll never have that same look for me. 

I'm leaving. I've lost any reason to stay here. I can't pilot EVA. I can't hope for you to ever love me as I love you. Don't worry. I'll never bother you again. Ever. 

I apologize for the way I treated you. I shouldn't have. But I was scared. Scared of my feelings for you. I know now that I had a good reason to be. But it's too late. Too late for everything. 

I'm not sure I care anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. 

Tell Rei I'll miss her. but I couldn't stand to see her either. 

Goodbye Shinji.   


Asuka 

  
That was more than I could take. Pain and sorrow... it all came back full strength, as I felt my heart ripped apart for a second time in a matter of a few days. I collapsed in tears. Once more... everyone in my life had left me behind...   
They were gone...   
They had left me...   
All those I loved... left me...   
Alone...   
  


* * *

  


From a nearby hill, the girl looked at what was left of Tokyo-3. A few rare buildings, but mostly a giant lake. Again, the Lilims had successfully defended themselves, but at such a cost. The blue Evangelion was no more. Now, only the boy was left. She would be with him soon. The men of SEELE had seen to that. Such arrogant fools... they didn't understand anything.   
Zeruel had cost the Lilims their body, their least important possession. A trivial thing, it had been easily lost and easily recovered. More serious had been Arael, which had taken from them their spirit, till only shattered pieces remained. To triumph over Armisael demanded that the Lilims surrender their life.   
Yet all was still not yet decided. She knew the final test was approaching, and what was required of her. Thus far the Lilims had been undefeated and undaunted. But salvation for them would require that this time, they finally hold nothing back. She wondered if they would be willing to make the sacrifice required..   
Their soul.   
Slowly within her, she could feel the urge, which had gotten stronger and stronger within the last days. The time had almost come.   
"Just a few more days. A few more days. I want to know this boy... Ikari Shinji..."   
  
  
[To be continued...]   
  
Next time:   
Chapter 11 - What is love?   
  
_The Fifth Child appears   
The 17th Angel attacks   
A new friend, a new enemy, a choice between life and death_   
  


- - -

Omake (by Godsend777) 

- Scene 1 -   
"You mean... you and Hotaru..." I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.   
Okay, I did want to know. But that look on her face...   
"Do not worry, Shin-chan. The only person we think of is you."   
I'm not sure if I should have felt relieved or what, but I-   
Wait.   
We?   
"We?" I asked.   
She blushed heavily at the question, but answered nonetheless.   
"Well... there's me, Asuka, Hotaru, Hikari..."   
And the list kept going. It seemed all the females in my class and half the commanding NERV staff got together on Fridays for 'Third Children Appreciation Day.'   
Who knew?   


- Scene 2 -   
"Was it... your first time with another girl?" I asked. What a foolish question. Of course Rei would never-   
"No." Came the monotone reply.   
What!? She... and another woman... before Hotaru?   
"Was it Asuka?"   
"No."   
"Misato?"   
"No."   
"H-Hikari?"   
"Afraid not, Shin-chan."   
"Oh my."   
A half-hour later, I finally guessed who it was.   
"Ah... Maya was so romantic that night..." Rei said dreamily.   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][4]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Ohayo
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap10



	12. Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Assisted by [Sparky Clarkson][2]   
Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][3]

Started on October 1st 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on December 6th 1999   
Second pre-reader draft finished on December 17th 1999   
Third pre-reader draft finished on January 10th 2000   
Final draft finished on February 1st 2000   
Final revisions on March 16th 2000 

(number) See the author's notes for details   
  


* * *

  
Peaceful.   
Some people would use that word to describe what already had come to be known as the "Tokyo-3 Lake". As the day ended, it could also have been called beautiful, illuminated as it was by the dying rays of the sun. But those words did not come to my mind as I stood on the shore and stared at the placid lake.   
Deserted. Deserted and lonely.   
Alone.   
I was alone.   
Like before I came to NERV.   
But it wasn't the same.   
Because now, I couldn't stand loneliness. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Not now that I knew what it was like to really be alive. But I didn't have a choice. Kensuke, Hikari and Hotaru had left, driven off by the explosive destruction of Tokyo-3. While I didn't know Hikari and Hotaru as well as Kensuke, their company would have been comforting. But they were gone. At least Hikari could join Touji in Tokyo-2; I knew they missed each other. And Hotaru wouldn't have to see what had happened to Rei...   
No, not Rei. Ayanami. Rei was gone now. As I looked at the silver cross I held in my right hand, I tried to suppress the tears that threatened to overcome me.   
And now Asuka had left me as well. In the end, I had stood my ground and she had been the one to run away. Again, I had been rejected and left behind. I wish I had shown her more attention, but Rei's death had hurt so much... at the time, it seemed like the only thing I could think about. Maybe... no. It was too late now. She was gone, leaving only a note. A note! Why did she write those words instead of saying them? I could have told her I never wanted her to leave!   
A tear trickled down my cheek as I clutched in my left hand the red neural interface nodes Asuka had always worn so proudly. It was all I had left of her... pieces of junk.   
Misato was still here, but she was merely a ghost, disappearing as quickly as she appeared. The revelations of the day before had only been appetizers for her. She had abandoned me and buried herself in the Geofront, consumed by her desire to unlock the secret of the organization that had destroyed Kaji; that had destroyed all of us.   
I couldn't even see Pen-Pen, now that Misato had sent him to Hikari's family, for his own safety. I couldn't blame her, but... I could have used the company. Then again, he'd taken Rei's death as badly as I had. Maybe Hikari, with her bright attitude, could cheer him up.   
'Cheer up.' How ironic that I would think of those words. Rei and Asuka had wanted me to be happy today. I should have been happy today. I remembered Asuka's words, a few days after I had been released from Unit-01.   
_"You'll see, Shinji! This year, you'll have the best birthday ever! Rei and I'll see to that!"_   
Ironic, indeed. And they had asked why I hated that day...   
I hated it because it always showed me how lonely I was.   
But this time, it was worse.   
In the past, I had been alone, but I didn't care.   
Now, I was alone and I hated it. I was scared too. I didn't know how I would manage to make it to the next day. What purpose did I have? I had lost what had been most important in my life... I could only hope that Asuka would come back or that Ritsuko had been wrong and that something of Rei still existed within Ayanami.   
_"Don't worry. I'll never bother you again. Ever."_   
No. Asuka had no intention of coming back. And I doubted that the Commander would invest any efforts into finding her. She couldn't pilot EVA anymore and with Unit-00 gone, Ayanami could likely take over the piloting of Unit-02... that is if the compatibility test succeeded. But then again... she was no longer expendable. Still, there was only one Angel left, so maybe Unit-02 wasn't useful anymore either...   
_"If she had kept her memories of you, she couldn't have been used for whatever plan Ikari has for her. So the Commander asked me to take care of this little detail. I'm sorry Shinji."_   
The current Ayanami... didn't remember me. To her, I was just the Third Children. All that I had experienced with Rei, those past months, the feelings we had shared... they were all gone. As if they had never existed. It was as if I had gone back in time. A few hours earlier, I had visited her in her old apartment, which, as incredible as it may seem, had survived the explosion of Unit-00. I found her sitting on her bed, looking through a window, bloodied bandages on the bed and floor. As she heard me, she turned toward me and looked at me with lifeless red eyes. She didn't say anything and neither did I as I left, unable to face her for another second. I didn't want to see her, that doll, a doll wearing the face of a girl I once loved.   
There was nothing for me to hope for anymore.   
_"It's true that for now, the only thing we can do is pilot EVA... but, well... as long as we stay alive... someday, we'll be glad that we survived."_   
Words I had said to Rei, after she nearly got killed in our first mission together [(1)][4]. Were those words lies? No. I had to believe that there could be something more than hopelessness.   
_"I have nothing else."_   
Rei had been wrong. Because had she lived, she had been able to experience joy and happiness, even if only briefly.   
I would defeat the Seventeenth Angel, and keep on living.   
This resolution didn't lessen the pain I felt however...   
Because now, I had nothing.   
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone humming a song I recognized fairly easily: Beethoven's "Ode to Joy". I looked to my left to see a girl sitting on a rock in the lake, a few meters away from the shore. A very familiar gray-haired girl. She still wore the same white sundress and her hair moved with the wind.   
It didn't occur to me right away that this girl had not been there a few minutes before.   
"You!"   
She didn't seem to have heard me, or maybe she was just ignoring me, as she kept humming for a whole minute before turning to me. I almost regretted as she did turn, for her red eyes reminding me of my loss.   
"Do you not think that music is one of the Lilims' greatest creations, Ikari Shinji-kun? Can you not feel all the emotions it can fill one's heart with? Do you not think this world would be a nicer place to live in, if we had more musicians to comfort the heart and soul?"   
I blinked at those words. What a strange girl...   
"Who are you? How do you know my name?"   
She smiled at me. A warm, friendly, innocent smile.   
"You really underestimate your importance and position. It is natural that I should know you, as I am just like you, one of the chosen ones. I am the Fifth."   
WHAT?!   
"The... the Fifth... Children? You're... you're a pilot?"   
I couldn't believe it. Another one... another one that would be sacrificed to EVA...   
This had to be a nightmare.   
"Yes. I have been chosen to replace the Second."   
The Second. Asuka. Replace her? So fast? She hadn't even been gone for twenty-four hours! How could they replace her so fast? Did this girl know something I didn't? I was about to ask, when it occurred to me that Asuka had really stopped being a reliable pilot ever since the attack of the Fifteenth Angel. Plenty of time for the Commander to arrange a replacement. If this girl, however, was a candidate...   
"Why haven't you shown up before?"   
"There was no need for an extra pilot."   
The girl looked away, gazing at the lake.   
"You would have preferred that I had got hurt instead of your friends, do you not?"   
I gasped at those words... because I knew it was true. I wished this strange girl had been chosen to pilot Unit-03 instead of Touji. I wished she had been the one the Fifteenth had mind-raped. I wished she was the one who had died instead of Rei.   
I felt terribly guilty and selfish for thinking that way. And I lowered my head in shame.   
"I... I... yes."   
The reaction of the girl was not one I would have anticipated. She chuckled. She then stepped down from the stone she was sitting on. She didn't seem to care at all that she was standing in the lake, water up to her waist. She just walked towards me, a happy smile on her face. As she approached the end of the lake, I noticed that the lower half of her dress had become semi-translucent, from the water and the way it stuck to her skin. I looked away as I suddenly realized that she didn't seem to be wearing anything beneath her dress. I became very nervous and self-conscious as she walked right next to me. I was frozen in place as she neared, only to jump slightly as she leaned her head in, only inches from mine.   
"You should blush more often. It looks better on you than a gloomy expression. A smile would be even better." she whispered, before walking away.   
I remained in place, unsure of how to respond to that.   
"There are harmonics and synchronization tests scheduled for tomorrow morning. We will meet again then."   
This snapped me back to reality. Tests? I didn't know that there would be tests. But then again, someone might have told me and I might not have paid attention...   
"Err... yeah... sure... em... Nagisa, right?"   
"Yes, my name is Nagisa Kaoru. But you may call me Kaoru, Ikari-kun."   
Kaoru... a pilot like me. Fated to a life of misery, surely...   
"I'd rather not, Nagisa."   
"I see..."   
For a moment, there seemed to be sadness on the girl's face, but it was quickly replaced by a happy smile.   
"Tomorrow morning, then."   
Probably expecting that I wouldn't answer back, the girl walked away.   
Nagisa Kaoru. The Fifth Children. Was it why she always seemed to be around ever since the Thirteenth Angel? Had she been watching me? What was this girl's purpose? And why did she seem so similar to Rei, yet so different?   
  


- - -

I gave a detached look at my alarm clock as it indicated it was time to wake up. Not that it was of much use, as I didn't sleep at all; my mind refusing to shut down since my last visit to Terminal Dogma. It was amazing I had heard it, as the sound of Beethoven's music was filling my ears. I had listened to it ever since I had came back to the apartment, after my encounter with the Fifth Children. I had felt the need of something to drive away my thoughts, so I naturally went for my SDAT. I found myself, however, not really interested by my usual SDAT tape, so I listened to Beethoven all night instead.   
Was it because I had heard the Fifth humming one of the great composer's pieces?   
The Fifth. I would see her again today. As well as the First...   
I really would have liked to avoid it.   
Slowly, I got up. I didn't feel like bathing or eating, or changing clothes, so I headed directly toward NERV.   
  


- - -

"Shinji-kun! Try to concentrate! Your ratio is getting lower and lower!"   
I sighed as I made some efforts to concentrate. Poor Lieutenant Ibuki seemed to be uncomfortable in her new position. I guess it was natural. Taking over the work of Dr. Akagi was probably hard on her.   
Dr. Akagi. I wondered what had happened to her. Did the Commander dispose of her now that he no longer had a use for her?   
"My synch ratio will be fine when needed," I replied flatly, after I gave up on trying to improve my synch ratio. When the time would come, I would defeat the Seventeenth Angel. I was determined to do so. But this was only a test and I couldn't help but to let my thoughts wander.   
Was Ayanami able to synch as well as Rei did?   
Ayanami...   
Was there really nothing left of Rei in her?   
I had to find out.   
  


- - -

"Rei."   
I knew that my chances were slim, but I had to try. So I had stayed there, and leaned against a wall, still wearing my plugsuit as I waited for her to get out of the girls' locker room. Her hair was still damp from the necessary quick shower to rinse the LCL off her body. I could have found the sight pretty, if it hadn't been from the emotionless look in her eyes. I hated that look.   
"Pilot Ikari."   
I cringed at the words.   
She stood still for a few seconds, looking at me with cold red eyes. I didn't move myself, as I felt my resolve leaving me, as I realized it seemed so futile.   
I only moved as she seemed to lose interest in me and started to walk away. I grabbed one of her shoulders. Her head turned toward mine, her gaze boring into me.   
"Have you really forgotten me, Rei? Is this all I am to you? The Third Children, Pilot Ikari?"   
For half a minute, Rei stood as immobile as a statue, staring at me. That cold, lifeless gaze left my stomach in turmoil. I thought that she would just ignore me again and walk away when she answered.   
"I have no memories of you. Should I have?"   
She might as well have punched me in the stomach. I had expected that answer, but could not tone down that small flicker of hope that still resided within myself. It had given me the strength to come this far, to ask that question. But now it was gone, leaving only room for desperation.   
"Please, Rei," I pleaded, "Can't you remember anything? The missions we did together, the times we saved each other's lives? When we lived together? Can't you remember when we made love?"   
For a fraction of a second, I thought I saw some life in her eyes, but it was gone so fast that I might have imagined it.   
I then heard the whispers behind us and realized some NERV personnel were staring at us. One could see the morbid curiosity in their eyes, the hunger for human misery. Desperation gave way to anger as I gave them a look that could have killed.   
"Don't you have something better to do than stare at us!? Dummkopf!" [(2)][5]   
When you live with someone, it's not entirely surprising that sometimes, you can pick up some of that person's habits. I only realized a few days later how much I must have sounded and looked like Asuka that time. My anger having died down a little, I turned my attention back to Rei.   
"Don't tell me you don't remember any of this! Don't tell me that you forgot all that we shared! It's not possible! You must remember something!"   
The blue-haired girl just... stared at me.   
"No. I do not."   
I almost crumbled. I only managed to keep standing through sheer will. I didn't want to break down because of that... girl. Was this how Asuka almost always managed to look so strong? Just because she didn't want to look weak?   
"I see. Then Rei is truly dead."   
Unable to look at that familiar face anymore, I let go of her shoulder and made my way to the boys' locker room.   
Despite all that, a small part of me was fighting to keep hope. It was trying to convince me to give this girl a chance, to try to know her, to try to open up to her and hope that she would do the same. It was hoping that this girl might eventually fall in love with me, like Rei did. But this girl was not Rei. What had made Rei unique, all her experiences, our experiences, it had been stripped away. It would not be the same. Whatever spark that had caused Rei to open up to me was probably forever lost.   
Sometimes, it's just better to let go...   
"Ikari..."   
I suddenly turned around, hope flaring despite my common sense telling me to forget about her. Those hopes were indeed quickly crushed as I saw the empty expression on her face.   
"... I am sorry."   
Words... that felt empty.   
Not Rei. This was not Rei.   
"Are you really? Do you really know the meaning of those words? I think not."   
Slight surprise appeared on the girl's face, but I didn't pay attention this time. Everything was over. Time to move ahead. If there was something ahead to move to.   
  


- - -

I lay in the hot bath, trying to forget what had just happened. A shower had not felt good enough, so I decided to take a bath here, in NERV, before going back to the apartment. I didn't feel much like going back there. Misato had once told me that having someone to come home to was a special thing. I had no one to go home to now.   
"Ikari-kun? I did not expect to meet you here."   
I almost jumped up at the sound of the voice. I twisted my head to see Nagisa, right behind me, naked from head to toe, a warm smile on her face. I felt a mix of emotions I had not felt in a while: fear, surprise, confusion, and a surge of male hormones, which lead to my blood pressure rising in different places, as well as embarrassment as I noticed where she was staring. I guess it was fair, however, as I took a good look at her myself. I noted that her breasts were smaller than Asuka's, but bigger than Rei's. And that gray was her natural hair color.   
"What... what are you doing here?!" I asked, blushing like a tomato as I used my hands to cover a part of my anatomy that had a mind of its own. "This is the men's bath!"   
"Oh? Is it? I did not know."   
She stood there, a confused look on her face. I tried to look away, but found myself stealing glances at her every few seconds or so.   
"We seem to be alone. Would you mind if I stayed?"   
"What?! I... I... you..."   
Since I just found myself mumbling, the girl simply took her place in the bath to my left. She made no effort whatsoever to cover herself. Some part of me noted that Rei would have acted exactly this way.   
"Were you and the First really lovers?"   
I cringed inwardly. Never underestimate the power of the NERV grapevine. And since there was no point in trying to lie...   
"Yes... we were."   
"So you are not lovers anymore?"   
"No."   
"Why?"   
Why did she have to ask about that? I didn't want to think about it. Especially after what had just happened.   
"Things... changed."   
"And losing that relationship hurt you?"   
"Yes..."   
"Is that why you want to avoid contact with me?"   
I stayed silent. I didn't want to talk. I should probably have left, but I didn't feel like leaving either.   
"You think that if you never get to know others, you will never feel betrayed like you did before. If they get killed or leave, you won't feel pain."   
I was surprised to see how true those words were.   
"Yes."   
"So you plan to live alone for the rest of your life, always driving others away?"   
I... I didn't know. I didn't know anymore what I wanted out of this life. Had I ever known? If I had, I might have made a choice...   
"Maybe."   
"But then, you will never escape the feelings of sadness and loneliness that fill your heart."   
Sadness and loneliness...   
The lights suddenly went off. Bathing time over. I blinked, surprised. Had I stayed here that long?   
I almost felt my heart jump out of my chest as I felt a hand on mine. She was looking at me, as if her eyes wanted to see through my soul. I pulled my hand away and looked elsewhere.   
"It's... it's time to go."   
"Oh? Is it over?"   
"Yes."   
Slowly, the girl got up. I blushed as I got another close-up view of her naked body. She looked at me again, still smiling.   
"Where will you go?"   
"Home. I have nowhere else left to go."   
No way to delay it any further.   
"I have heard that you play the cello. May I accompany you? I would like to hear you play. I heard that you are very talented."   
I looked at that warm smile. Loneliness... I didn't want to be lonely anymore... but I didn't want to be hurt again...   
"No. Just leave me alone..."   
The girl left without a word, disappointment clearly showing on her face. It was a clear contrast to her usual cheerful smile. Some part of me felt bad about that. But I tried to ignore it.   
I would not be hurt again...   
  


- - -

"Very good Shinji! Your synch ratio is twenty points higher than last time! Good job!"   
In a past that felt almost a thousand years ago, I would have felt happy hearing that. But this time, I barely noticed. I didn't care.   
Two days had gone by and I had found myself thinking less and less about Rei and Asuka. It still hurt, I still missed them and I still couldn't stay in Ayanami's presence for long, but the feelings were not as oppressive. Maybe it was true that time could heal wounds. But part of me was scared about that idea. It didn't seem right to simply forget them and... go on.   
There was nothing that could be done for Rei. But Asuka was still alive, somewhere, out there.   
The test went by quickly. I wished it would have taken more time. The entry plug was a place outside of this world, where I could forget everything else. It felt... comforting.   
The entry plug opened, I stayed there a full minute. I didn't want this relaxing feeling to go just yet.   
When I opened my eyes, I saw Kaoru offering a black gloved hand, to help me out of the plug. After a moment of hesitation, I grabbed her hand.   
"You look different when you are sitting inside this entry plug. You seem... at peace."   
"I guess I am..."   
The girl smiled. As I looked at her, I noted how her black and blue plugsuit contrasted with her pale skin and gray hair. I also noted, with a hint of nostalgia, how the plugsuit seemed modeled after Asuka's. It was the female production standard suit, I guessed. [(3)][6] Somehow, I wished Asuka's suit had been an unique model. It just didn't feel appropriate to see someone else in a similar suit.   
"Once you are changed, will you go home, or will you eat lunch at the cafeteria?"   
No doubt, if I ate here, she would probably come along. But if I ate at home, it would take some time to go to the apartment and then prepare lunch. I would lose a lot of time, and I didn't feel like cooking anyway. Cafeteria food would probably end up better than instant. And after having lived with Misato for months, one could eat almost anything.   
"The cafeteria."   
While she didn't say a thing, I could feel the girl was excited by this bit of news. Her smile widened ever so slightly. There was a sparkle of life in her eyes. I sighed.   
"Feel free to accompany me."   
This said, I left for the locker room. I didn't want to look at her happy face. If I did, it might make me actually feel good myself...   
  


- - -

I stayed in the shower for a long time, feeling the relaxing effect of the warm water on my skin. I would have preferred a bath, but I didn't want to risk another naked encounter with Kaoru.   
Kaoru... I wondered what was going on in that girl's head. No matter how much I tried to push her away, she just kept coming back. I couldn't understand that girl. In only a few days, everyone seemed to have developed a liking for her. I had heard that since her first day in headquarters, she had brought home cooked breakfasts to the bridge crew. Rumor was spreading among the technical crew that worked in maintaining the EVAs that she made the best coffee around. I even heard that she had volunteered once to help out in the now undermanned infirmary. Everyone seemed to fall under her charm. Maybe it was because of those bright eyes and peaceful smile of hers. Each time I would see her, she always looked happy and cheerful. Except that time in the bath...   
I shook my head. I shouldn't feel guilty over that. I had told her I didn't want us to be friends. In fact, I was sure that she understood my position and feelings very well. But that didn't stop her from trying. I signed. Just one more Angel and we could part ways and she wouldn't risk being hurt by me ever again. Or was it the opposite?   
I turned off the water faucet and walked out of the shower. I took a towel and dried myself. I raised my hand to my nose and took a sniff. No matter how long the bath or shower, there was still that residual trace of LCL smell, very subtle, but still detectable. I hated that.   
"Here you are. I was wondering what was taking you so long."   
I jumped. I had been so caught on my thoughts that I never noticed that I wasn't alone, as I should have been. Hastily, I finished putting on my underwear, embarrassed that my fellow pilot had now clearly seen me naked.   
"Nagisa! Don't you know that some people here like to have their privacy?!"   
She just stared at me, a puzzled look on her face, as she sat on the bench just in front of the lockers, right beside where I had put most of my clothes.   
"Why are you embarrassed?"   
"Well... you... saw me... naked..."   
I blushed fiercely. Part of my mind did rationalize that it seemed to be natural around here. After all, Misato had seen me naked the first day we started to live together, no thanks to Penpen, and Rei as well as Asuka had seen me naked also.   
"You should not be embarrassed. The corporeal body is only a shell that holds the human soul. A person's beauty should not be judged by how that person looks on the outside, but by his heart and soul. I think you are very beautiful."   
I blushed at the comment. It was really the first time someone had said something like this. I wondered about her words. Asuka and Rei were very beautiful girls. But that wasn't what had drawn me to them. I guess.... she had spoken the truth. Still...   
I froze when I noticed she had picked up something off the bench, curiosity on her face.   
"DON'T TOUCH THAT!"   
This surprised the girl, making her drop the silver chain and cross. I gave her an angry look before picking it up.   
Rei...   
I put the chain on then hurried to get dressed, before walking away, ignoring the stunned girl and leaving her behind.   
  


- - -

Another empty apartment. I tried not to feel too disappointed, but I couldn't help it. It was a wonder I hadn't stopped yet. Still, ever since I had realized that Rei was gone for good, I had kept visiting empty apartments one after another.   
While the explosion of Unit-00 had destroyed most of Tokyo-3, a good number of buildings had only been damaged in the blast. However, they had been condemned, as some were in precarious shape. This apartment complex was one of those buildings.   
Technically, we were prohibited from going inside those buildings, but there were no security forces to prevent anyone to do so. NERV didn't have the resources. And apparently, no one really cared much as none of the security officers watching over me from the shadows made a move to stop me.   
If they were unsafe, these buildings could also make excellent places for someone to hide. Someone who wanted to run away from this life. Someone like Asuka.   
It had been confirmed that Asuka hadn't taken a train to leave the city. So only two options remained. Either she had left by foot, but in this case she would have been located easily, or she had never left at all and simply hid somewhere, most likely in one of those abandoned buildings. And while a good portion of Tokyo-3 had been destroyed, there were still enough of those damaged buildings standing for people to search for her for weeks and never find her if she didn't want to be found.   
This evaluation of the situation was rather grim, but I refused to just give up. That small hope was all I had left. And if I didn't find her for my sake, I needed to at least find her for hers. Who could tell if what was left of Tokyo-3 wouldn't be destroyed in the next Angel attack?   
I moved on to the next apartment. The door was already opened, which could be a good sign. An open door meant it would have been easy for Asuka to go in and choose this place to hide. I knew from recent experience that breaking through a locked door wasn't simple.   
My hopes plummeted when I noticed the state of the apartment. It had suffered heavily from the explosion. One wall, as well as part of the ceiling, was missing. There was debris all over the floor. Looking around, I noticed that the contents of the fridge seemed mostly rotten. The water didn't work anymore. The water that filled the bathroom's bathtub probably came from the last rain. I doubted that Asuka would have chosen this place to live in.   
"You are looking for the Second Children, aren't you?"   
My heart skipped a beat, not expecting to hear this voice here. I turned around to see Nagisa in what had probably been this place's living room. She raised a hand that held a brown paper bag.   
"A meal for you. I figured you would be hungry, since I did not find you at the cafeteria."   
I suddenly remembered that I had said I would accompany her there... that is, before she touched Rei's cross...   
"It is not home cooked. I did not have the time. I am sorry."   
I looked at the girl again. She seemed very serious. In fact... she looked a lot like Ayanami usually did. I couldn't help but worry a bit.   
"I give you my apologies. I did not know about the cross. I just... wanted to take a better look at it."   
I remembered the way I had yelled at her. I... I probably overreacted.   
"Thank you. For the meal."   
I didn't want to apologize. After all, she had touched my things without permission...   
My things... since when did I consider the cross mine? Obviously, Rei had intended it to be mine, but... it just didn't feel right.   
I didn't apologize. But that didn't mean I had to stay angry with her. Her eyes seemed to light up as she noticed my change of expression, as I relaxed and stopped looking at her with a frown on my face.   
"My pleasure," she replied, her usual smile back on her face.   
The situation still felt awkward however. With this girl, I was never sure how to act and I sure didn't know what to say. So I took the bag she was handing me, walked toward what was left of the kitchen and swept the debris lying on a table as well as two wooden chairs. In silence, I invited her to join me.   
The meal she had given me was simple, a single pork sandwich and a bottle of orange juice, but the way my stomach suddenly made itself heard, it was welcome. I hadn't realized I was this hungry.   
I took a bite, finding the sandwich far tastier than I usually would have, when she spoke again.   
"Do you really think you will find her?"   
I took the time to chew before answering. Fact was... I kept asking myself the same question.   
"I don't know. If she doesn't want to be found, I doubt I will."   
"So you hope that she will see you and will come back."   
The girl was either very good at reading people, or else my hopes were painfully obvious.   
"Yes."   
She frowned, obviously in thought.   
"You contradict yourself. You wish to escape pain by avoiding contact with others, yet you wish to find the one responsible for the pain that is tearing you apart."   
"It's not only Asuka's fault..."   
No, it wasn't only Asuka. So many things... the Angels... Father... me...   
"Yet she hurt you."   
"Yes."   
"And you wish to see her again?"   
"Yes."   
"Even if it means being hurt again?"   
I didn't know what to think. She was right, I knew it. I had decided to avoid this girl because I wanted to avoid being hurt by another friendship that would inevitably bring pain. Yet, I had tried to find out if Ayanami remembered me. And here I was, looking for Asuka.   
"... yes."   
"Then, why won't you open yourself to others?"   
"I... I don't know..."   
A heavy silence followed. She didn't say more, as it wasn't necessary. I could guess her silent question. If in truth you don't mind being hurt again by these girls, why do you keep pushing me away?   
Maybe because... I loved them, I realized. Was this what love was about? Enduring pain, for the sake of those we loved, to be with those we loved? Rei killed herself, because she loved me. Did Asuka run away because she believed I would be happier without her? If so, wasn't she hurting herself as much as she was, without knowing, hurting me? If so... maybe love was more of a curse than a blessing...   
As I thought about the relations I once had with two very important girls, I wondered about something...   
"Nagisa, you're... you're always nice to me. Why? Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"   
"Making people smile brings me happiness. But it saddens me to see such a pure heart being so heavy with sorrow, guilt and despair. I want to learn more about you, so I can understand your pain, and make you smile again."   
"You... want to see me smile?"   
This moment... if felt so familiar...   
_"I am sorry. I do not know what to feel at times like this..."_   
_"I think... you should smile..."_   
Had I become... like Rei had been?   
When was the last time I had actually smiled?   
"Yes."   
"Why? Why me? There are a lot of people who are unhappy? Why choose me over them? Why not Misato? Or better yet, that man who used to be my father?"   
Unconsciously, I shuddered at the thought of seeing the Commander smile. But in a way... it was also an appealing image.   
I sighed. I couldn't believe I still had some hopes for him. Didn't I ever learn?   
"Because you are worthy of love."   
I gave her a puzzled look. What did she mean by that? She seemed to have read my mind as she answered the unspoken question   
"I mean, I love you."   
I froze. This girl... just had said she loved me. I felt myself panicking. Not a third time... I wondered if running away could get me out of this...   
"No..."   
I suddenly stiffened when I felt her hands touching mine. My first instinct was to pull them away, but the touch was warm...   
"This is what you want, isn't it? You only want to be loved."   
It was true, wasn't it? Ever since I had left my old life, safe from the outside world, I had craved for acceptance. Father. Misato. My friends. Rei. Asuka. And love was even more than acceptance...   
"Yes."   
"But you do not think you are worthy of love."   
"All those I loved were hurt..."   
"A single man cannot control the destiny of others."   
I knew it made sense, but...   
"I came here hoping to find a father who had abandoned me. I only found a heartless man. Then, I made friends and met two wonderful girls. I nearly killed my best friend. One girl I loved forgot all about me. The other ran away. I also met a man that I admired, that was like the father I wished I had. He died. Isn't it natural to fear that if I make new friends I'll end up being hurt again? I don't want to be hurt again..."   
"This is not what you said earlier. You did not mind if the Second Children were to hurt you again. I ask you, what do you fear the most? Pain or loneliness?"   
Such a question... I realized I didn't know the answer.   
I finally moved my hands and looked elsewhere. I couldn't stare at her any longer. I was getting more and more confused.   
"It's getting late. It would be dangerous to keep searching in the dark. We should go back to our homes."   
I'm not sure what exactly came over me. Maybe it was the clear disappointment in her voice. But I suddenly felt like taking a risk. I had to do it.   
"Would you still like to hear me play... Kaoru?"   
"I would like it very much... Shinji-kun."   
She smiled. I smiled back. I had forgotten how it felt. It was a warm feeling.   
So we left and made our way toward my apartment.   
  


- - -

I tried not to look disappointed when I looked at Kaoru. She was sitting on her knees, straight, but eyes closed. My guess was that she had fallen asleep. Her face was an almost expression of calm and serenity, only perturbed by a small yet blissful smile. She didn't seem to have a care in the world. It just seemed impossible to me that someone in this world could look this happy.   
As I finished my performance, her eyes opened, showing that she had in fact been quite awake.   
"You music was excellent and delightful. Thank you, Shinji-kun. I have enjoyed every moment of it."   
She emphasized her words by actually clapping her hands slightly.   
I blushed in embarrassment. I wasn't used to receiving praise about my music. I knew that Asuka and Rei had seemed to like it that time I played for both of them, but we never really discussed it. While I knew I lacked practice and that my playing was far from perfect, I feared hearing negative comments.   
"You should not keep this talent only to yourself. You should play for the world to hear you."   
My blush increased.   
"Kaoru... I... I'm not that good..."   
"You are. You just lack confidence."   
I gasped at those words... knowing deep down that they were true.   
"And next time, you should play a more cheerful tune. It might ease the pain in your heart."   
"Thank you... Kaoru."   
She shook her head.   
"No. Thank _you_, Shinji-kun. It has been a real pleasure to hear you play. I greatly appreciate your inviting me in your home and opening yourself to me."   
"Well... err..."   
I didn't really know what to say. Was that really what I was doing? Opening up to her?   
The next moments felt really awkward, as I suddenly didn't know what to say or do.   
"It is getting late. Maybe I should go back to my apartment."   
Obviously, the girl had noticed that I still didn't feel at ease in her presence.   
"It might be a good idea..."   
Very inconveniently, as Kaoru prepared to go, the sound of thunder made itself heard outside. As I looked toward the balcony, I realized it was raining really heavily. I looked at Kaoru. She only wore her white sundress and a pair of light summer shoes. With the destruction of most Tokyo-3, there were no taxis left in town. If she went out in such a weather, she would get drenched and probably get sick.   
I sighed, as I realized I couldn't, in any good conscience, let her go.   
"I guess... you could sleep here." I thought a bit and reluctantly, I added, "Asuka's room is free... you can sleep in her bed... as long as you don't touch anything in her room."   
The girl nodded.   
"You are keeping it as it was in case she comes back, are you not?"   
This time, I nodded.   
"It is a bit early to sleep yet. Perhaps you could use this time to tell me about you and the other Children... if it is not too painful..."   
"No, it's okay."   
Strangely, it was. It felt really good to be able to talk to someone about the girls and how I felt. I told her all about Rei and Asuka, how I met them, how our relations came to be more then simple co-workers and friends. She asked a lot of questions about our relationship. She even asked if I've had sex with them, which I answered with a blush. I quickly tried to change the subject.   
"Why did you come to NERV? I mean... you knew what happened to the others pilots..."   
"It was my purpose."   
"Your purpose?"   
"Yes. I came here because there is something here I must do. A need that needs to be filled, that I cannot resist, otherwise it may eventually consume me."   
"Oh..."   
So that's why she accepted to pilot EVA? It was rather vague. And, I didn't know why, it sounded disturbing.   
"Why do you pilot, Ikari-kun?"   
I winced at the question. I had heard it before, and had never been able to give a straight answer, because my reason kept changing all the time. Finally, I just sighed and just did what seemed to work before: tell how I felt about it.   
"I... I'm not really sure anymore. The first time I piloted was to save Rei's life. Then, I piloted because I was told so. I also sought to gain the respect of my father, to let him know that I existed. I never found what I was looking for. Later, I realized that I should pilot to protect those I loved. But in the end, I lost them anyway. Now... I guess I only seek closure. One more Angel, one last time."   
Kaoru's eyes narrowed, a serious expression was set on her face.   
"I see. And what will you do once this last Angel is defeated?"   
"If I'm still alive... I guess I'll try to find another reason to live..."   
We both suddenly because silent. It was slightly perturbing seeing Kaoru not smiling...   
"What does the cross you wear means to you?"   
I pulled the silver cross from under the clothes that covered it and stared at it.   
"The cross was Rei's. She left it for me, before the Sixteenth Angel battle. I guess she wanted me to have it. So I wear it."   
We kept talking for a while. I then spoke of my mother and father. I also spoke of Misato and Kaji. While we talked, I later learned that Kaoru never knew any parents. At the time, I guessed that they must have either abandoned her or must have died because of the Second Impact. It was a subject she seemed uneasy about, she took her time to carefully chose her words, so I decided not to push too much. Besides, it was getting late. We had been talking for two hours now and we both decided it was late enough to go to sleep. I showed her the way to Asuka's room, then went to mine. Once I closed the door, I let out a long sigh and let myself fall on the bed. I rolled on my back and found myself staring at the ceiling, as I had done many times before.   
She had been right. I was very slowly but surely opening up to her.   
Was it a mistake? I wasn't sure. She seemed so nice, without malice. How could she hurt me?   
Like Rei and Asuka did, either by being taken away or by leaving.   
But... tonight... for the first time in what seemed an eternity... I had no longer felt alone. And... I didn't want to feel alone anymore. Was that why I was opening to her? A girl I barely knew? Was I so pathetic that anybody would do, as long as it made me forget this loneliness in my heart?   
What did I truly feared more? Pain or loneliness?   
Then, a thought occurred to me. A very disturbing thought. Was this fear of loneliness behind the reason I postponed my choice between Rei and Asuka for so long?   
  


- - -

I was sitting on a chair, in a dark room. The only light was a light that surrounded me, making a small circle of at most two meters in diameter around me. Everything else was pitch black, I couldn't see where the light came from. I didn't know how I ended up there. All I knew was that I was scared. Not of this unusual environment. It was something else. An overpowering sense of dread. Something was about to happen.   
And it did. And it was worse than anything I could have thought of.   
Images appeared before me. They did not come from a projector, or appear on a screen, they just were. But I did not wonder about their origins. I felt myself shaking as I recognized the images.   
Unit-01, trying to battle the Sixteenth Angel. It was a scene that was engraved in the very core of my being. As it melted the armor of Unit-01, it let go of the giant worm of light. It prepared to dodge a new attack when suddenly, the worm froze. On the other side of the Angel, Unit-00 rolled into a ball around the part of the Angel that was connected to it.   
"No!"   
I didn't want to see what was coming next. So I closed my eyes.   
But then I heard the words.   
_"Rei! Do what Misato says!"_   
_"It is too late..."_   
_"Rei!!!"_   
I opened my eyes to see Unit-01 run toward Unit-00. But I already knew that it wouldn't reach it in time.   
_"Shinji... Whatever happens... never forget... that I love you."_   
_"NO! Rei! Don't do this! REI!!!"_   
_"I love you..."_   
I was blinded by the explosion of Unit-00, then the images disappeared and everything went black again.   
"You let me die."   
"Rei!"   
I turned around to see Rei, standing behind me, dressed in her school uniform as always. She was the only thing I could see in the darkness.   
"After the Fifteenth Angel, you swore that you wouldn't let another Angel hurt us, but you failed to protect me and so I had to die."   
"I did all that I could!"   
"No, you did not. You could have destroyed it."   
"Attacking it was hurting you!"   
"You acted the same way you did with the Thirteenth Angel. You feared to hurt us, so you let us die instead. I was not as lucky as Suzuhara-kun."   
There, she had said it. A thought that had been hunting me ever since that day, something I refused to face, even think about. Maybe attacking the Angel would have hurt her, but in the end, it may just have saved her life.   
"No... I... Rei... I..."   
I tried to look away. She just appeared before me, now dressed in plug suit, her skin covered by injuries that had no doubt been caused by the Sixteenth Angel.   
"You killed me."   
"Rei!"   
I leapt toward her, trying to reach for her, lost, confused, filled with guilt. However, when the tip of my fingers touched her, her whole body burst into flame. I saw her skin become as black as coal, then quickly melt off her charred bones, which themselves soon were nothing more than black ash that disappeared into the darkness.   
"Rei! Rei!"   
I fell on the floor, weeping.   
"You never loved me. You only loved her."   
I looked up in shock, to see Asuka looking down at me, her face streaked with tears. Her school uniform was dirty and slightly torn. She was pale, she seemed to have lost some weight and dark circles under her eyes showed that she was close to exhaustion. She didn't seem angry, however her gaze was cold as ice and showed how serious she had been in saying those words.   
"That's not true Asuka! I love you!"   
"You never showed it."   
She would not have hurt me more had she stabbed me with a knife.   
"But I do love you! Wasn't that night proof enough?"   
"You only took pity on me. Besides, it must have been only one more quick fuck for you. You had sex with Rei before. I could tell. You knew too much. How to touch me at the right places, how to pleasure me. How gentle you were so that you wouldn't hurt me too much. You betrayed my trust."   
I gasped. She knew...   
"Asuka... I... I... I really love you..."   
"It doesn't matter. You love her also."   
"But she's dead!"   
"So you want me to replace her? To take her place in your bed?"   
"No! No... that's... that's not it... I... I..."   
Deep down, I knew that she was right. It was unfair of me to just seek her love this way since Rei's wasn't available anymore. Switching from one another... it was wrong. I had been wrong from the start...   
"It's too late. I'll be leaving now."   
Asuka reached for something in her pocket and pulled out a long kitchen knife. I watched in horror as she applied the blade to her wrist.   
"I'll never bother you again. Ever."   
My God!   
"No!"   
Before I could even move, the blade slid neatly and deeply through the skin and flesh, severing veins and letting her life blood flow freely out of her body, into the darkness.   
"Asuka!"   
As I touched her, trying to grab her wrist to stop the blood flow, her hole body erupted in a shower of hot blood, covering me from head to toe.   
I screamed.   
  


- - -

I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the darkness of my room. I panicked, as I realized I could barely move; in my nightmare, I had managed to entangle myself in my own bed sheets. I was feeling like a trapped animal. I tried to pull my self out, trying to kick the sheets out of the way, struggling to free my arms, panting and crying. I didn't stop once I was finally freed. I only stopped when I felt two hands grab my arms, someone's chest lay against my back and a hot breath on my neck. I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words.   
"It is okay. It is over. There is nothing to fear. You are awake now."   
The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a dream. No... a nightmare.   
I realized I was sitting on my bed, my shirt almost soaked through with sweat, two arms now holding me tight. Then, memories of the dream crashed down over me. I barely suppressed the tears that threatened to overcame me.   
"Shinji-kun. Do not do this to yourself."   
I turned my head to look toward Kaoru. She had a sad look on her face. In fact, I was surprised to see a tear silently make its way down her ivory white skin. Part of my mind noted that she was actually naked, but at that moment, it seemed like the least significant thing in the world.   
"So much pain and sadness. Do not keep it inside you. It is alright to cry. Let it all out. Let it out."   
I looked at those tear filled red eyes. Tears that she shed because she could feel the depth of my pain. That was all it took. I cried again, this time against her chest, crying all the tears that were left inside me.   
I cried for a while. I don't know how long. But the whole time, she held me tight, telling me words that I didn't really understand; it didn't matter, the sound of her voice brought me comfort. Once my sobbing had receded, she proceeded to remove the T-shirt I was wearing, saying that I should not sleep in such sweaty clothes. I didn't stop her, I felt drained. As if I was a child, she had me lie in bed and adjusted the covers, so that I would be warm. Then, she bent over me and kissed my forehead, a gesture I had not seen in many years, not ever since my mother's disappearance. She would probably have left, had I not grabbed her wrist.   
"Don't leave me alone. Please... I'm scared... I don't want to be alone..."   
She smiled and took her place under the covers by my side. Then, she wrapped me with her arms and held me tightly.   
"Thank you..."   
As we laid there, I felt at peace. Her naked body felt warm and comfortable against my bare back, her hold on me... safe.   
Soon, I was able to find sleep again, but this time, I only had wonderful dreams.   
In retrospect, as I looked back at that night, I learned a lot...   
  


- - -

I woke up to realize that something was missing. It took me a while to realize exactly what. Only once I remembered the events of the night before did I understood what it was. Kaoru was gone.   
I got up and looked around the apartment. No trace of her. I looked outside. It was still in the middle of the night, so she probably had just left. It was probably what had woken me up.   
She had been so nice to me, despite all my efforts to push her away. I regretted having acted this way. She deserved more.   
_"Because you are worthy of love."_   
_"I mean, I love you."_   
She said she loved me. And she had showed it. I felt grateful, but... I didn't think I could return that feeling one day. She didn't, however, seem to be asking for anything in return, except that I open up to her.   
And I realized I felt like doing so. Back in my mind, a voice was trying to warn me that I was taking too greater a risk. I ignored it. Until I could know if I was ready for more, if I could feel more, I would from now on consider Nagisa Kaoru only as a friend.   
_"If she's your friend, then why did she leave so suddenly, without a word?"_   
Again, I ignored that part of my mind. If I listened to it, I would forever be alone. So I concentrated on more urgent matters. I headed toward the bathroom.   
My cell phone chose that precise moment to burst into life. Annoyed, I just ignored it and went on my way. Now that I had decided to go to the bathroom, I had realized just how much I needed to go. It kept beeping. A let out a sigh of frustration, and went to pick it up. It had better be urgent...   
"Hello?"   
"Shinji!" said a voice I recognized as Hyuuga's. "About time! Where are you?"   
"Home..."   
"Good! I'm sending Security to pick you up! Get ready!"   
The communication ended. That was odd. Such urgency. This could really mean only one thing. The Seventeenth Angel.   
Finally!   
I rushed to put some clothes up, after a quick trip to the bathroom, and was out of the apartment, where I met two Security agents. They wasted no time in telling me "Follow us." which I did.   
I was driven very quickly to headquarters. Time seemed to be of the essence, which strengthened my conviction that this was an Angel attack, even if this time, the city sirens were silent. So as soon as I reached NERV Headquarters, I ran toward the locker room and hurried to put my plugsuit on. I only hesitated when came the time to put my neural interfaces. I looked at them for a second, then put them back into the locker and picked up a pair of familiar red neural interfaces instead...   
  


- - -

I gasped as Misato's short briefing ended. I felt as if my heart had been crushed inside my chest.   
Kaoru... an Angel... no, it couldn't be...   
Not Kaoru. She was so gentle... she had nothing in common with those monsters.   
"That's not true... that can't be true..."   
But the way she acted when I mentioned killing the last Angel...   
"It is. You must kill it."   
Kill Kaoru... kill her?   
"No."   
I shut down the EVA. I knew that the people in the Control room were probably struggling to reactivate it, but they wouldn't succeed.   
"Shinji! What are you doing?!" Misato seemed to be panicking.   
"You will reactivate Unit-01 immediately."   
Strangely, to me, the voice of the Commander didn't seem to carry as much power anymore.   
"What for? To go down there and kill my friend?"   
My friend... Yes, Kaoru was my friend. But... she had said she loved me. How could that be if she was an Angel? Could she had lied to me? Did it really matter? I thought back at the events of the day before, how good it had felt to be with her. How I felt no longer lonely.   
Her nature didn't matter, I decided.   
Besides... there was no way I could kill another human being in cold blood.   
Even if it was also an Angel.   
"Correct."   
"Damn you! You hurt Touji! You let Asuka suffer! You took Rei from me! And now you want me to kill Kaoru? You heartless son of a bitch! If it wasn't my mother's name, I'd be ashamed of being called Ikari!"   
There was a deadly silence after I said those words. I was stunned myself. Where did these words come from? Ikari was not... the name of my father? How could I know that?   
Not that it really mattered.   
"I won't kill Kaoru... I won't..."   
"Then everyone will die."   
There wasn't as much assurance in the Commander's voice then usual. But I didn't notice.   
"I don't care... maybe it will be better this way..."   
The following silence was broken by the voice of Hyuuga.   
"Target passing the third level!"   
"Shinji! I... I don't want to die..."   
Misato?   
"Don't you want the pain to end, Misato-san?"   
"I don't want to die... because... because... I'm... I'm pregnant..."   
I gasped and I heard similar reactions over the comm. system.   
"I'm carrying Kaji's child... I don't want it to die..."   
Misato pregnant? Kaji's child? This brought back some sense into me.   
All of a sudden, Unit-01 activated. But I hadn't willed it to. And I knew it wasn't NERV's doing.   
"Mother... " I whispered, before sighing slightly. "All right, we'll go..."   
I didn't want to do it. But I didn't have a choice. Maybe I would find some other way if I could reach Kaoru.   
"Evangelion Unit-01 launch!" I finally shouted, as I went after my friend.   
  


- - -

Following instructions, I quickly moved the EVA toward a shaft that seemed to go down _very_ deep. I couldn't see the bottom. It didn't matter. Without giving it an extra thought, I jumped.   
I fell very quickly and soon saw Unit-02, slowly floating down. Kaoru floated at it's side. I never really stopped to wonder _how_ she and Unit-02 could actually float.   
"Kaoru!"   
As I got close to it, Unit-01 and Unit-02's hand locked together, getting into combat position, the two giants struggling for dominance. I only realized later that I stopped falling and floated down along with Unit-02.   
"I have been waiting for you, Shinji-kun."   
I didn't also ponder on how it was possible for me to hear her voice inside the entry plug. I was hearing it and that fact alone was good enough for me.   
What I did notice however was the expression on her face. The happy smile was gone. It was a cold expression. One I would mainly associate with Ayanami.   
"Why Kaoru?! Why are you doing this? Did you betray me?! You said you loved me... was it just so that you could manipulate me like everyone does?!"   
"No Shinji-kun. My feelings are genuine. But this is something I must do."   
"Kaoru! No! You... you can't be an Angel..."   
"EVA is made of the same body as mine. Because I am also the natus de Adamo. When the unit does not have a soul, I can unite. The soul of this unit is shutting itself away now. I can use it as I wish."   
"Kaoru!"   
At that moment, I knew that whatever I would say, she wouldn't listen.   
She was an Angel.   
If she had something to do, the same applied to me.   
"I'm sorry, Asuka..."   
Unit-01's left shoulder storage compartment opened to reveal it's progressive knife. Unit-02 did the same. Both EVAs took their own progressive knife. I soon found myself not attacking like I had planned, but rather defending myself. The two blades met, unleashing a shower of sparkling energy. Using more strength, both blades were suddenly thrown off balance. I gasped in horror as I noticed that my blade was aiming right toward Kaoru. I was shocked to see the blade being stopped a meter from her by an AT Field.   
"AN AT FIELD?!?!"   
"Yes. You Lilims call it so. The holy region that must not be invaded by anyone. The light of mind. You, Lilims, are aware of that, aware that the so-called 'AT Field' is the wall of mind that everyone has."   
I didn't understand, and didn't care.   
I yelped, as I felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unit-02 had just stabbed Unit-01 in the chest. I retaliated, plunging my own knife into its neck, the tip of the blade exiting on the other side.   
Unit-01 and Unit-02 struggled for a few seconds. I gritted my teeth as I felt the pain of Unit-02's progressive knife being pushed deeper into Unit-01's chest.   
Suddenly, we fell and hit the ground hard, our impact creating a shower of dust and dirt. As I willed the stunned EVA to get in its feet, I realized that Kaoru was floating away.   
"Kaoru! Stop!"   
I was about to go after her when I felt something lock the EVA's left leg into place. Unit-02 had just grabbed it...   
With a battle cry, I resumed my fight against Unit-02. Again, it stabbed my chest, but this time, I shove my knife right into its head. That didn't stop it like I had hoped. Suddenly, I felt something hitting my EVA, something similar to a shock wave, but different.   
"What the hell?!"   
I then felt my adversary going completely limp. Either I had finally stopped it, or Kaoru's control over it was gone. Whatever...   
Slowly, I walked toward the destination where I had seen Kaoru go. I wasn't that much in a hurry to confront her and my chest still hurt.   
I silently gasped as I saw Kaoru floating just in front of a white giant, above a lake that looked suspiciously like LCL. I quickly forgot about that scene as I extended my EVA's hand and grabbed Kaoru. Seeing a hundred clones of your dead girlfriend tended to make such sights less impressive.   
"I see you've defeated Unit-02. Thank you, Shinji-kun. I might have, otherwise, lived with her."   
"Kaoru, why?" I asked again, hoping to hear an answer that would make my choice easier.   
"I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. My death is the only absolute liberty."   
I gasped. No...   
"Kaoru! You can't... you can't be asking me to kill you? I won't... I can't..."   
"Shinji-kun... if I live, then all of humanity dies. If I die, then you, and every other man, woman and children will have a chance to grasp the future. And if you can succeed in facing the remaining trial that awaits... then we may meet again someday."   
"No! Surely... there's a way to avoid it. Come back with me. We could go away. You could forget all about this. You don't have to do this!!!"   
"No, Shinji. My true name is Tabris. I am the Angel of Free Will. This is why I was given this form. Unlike my brothers, I could choose my destiny, like you Lilims do everyday. But the price of free will is responsibility. Once you make a choice, you cannot erase the past and you must accept the consequences of your chosen path. I could no longer resist the call of Adam, so I left the life of Nagisa Kaoru behind and now, here we are. You chose to come here to stop me. Now is the time for you to accept the outcome of your choice."   
"Kaoru! I can't!"   
"Please Shinji-kun. One must live and the other must die. You must be the one to live. This is my wish. Shinji-kun... I am glad I met you. You Lilims have short fragile lives, and so your emotions are very strong. I can understand you better now, Shinji-kun. You are so beautiful. Especially you, Shinji-kun. Your heart is so sensitive that you are overwhelmed by the pain of existence. But do not forget that there is more than pain. Do not fear to open yourself, mind, body, heart and soul, to those you cherish. Even as their AT Field separates them from each other, it is possible for two beings to connect. You Lilims should not look any further; this the true instrumentality of humankind."   
"I... I don't understand what you're trying to say..."   
"You will in time."   
"Kaoru!"   
"A few more words as parting gift. Shinji-kun, there are many ways to love. It is possible to love two persons, in similar, yet different ways. It is right. But for you to be truly happy, you must find the love you hold dearest, which will make you feel complete. Do not hesitate. If you keep loving them, they will not hate you. But for your own sake, you must choose. Now... the time has come. You must do what needs to be done, and do not let your heart be filled with guilt. It is the right thing to do, and your heart should not be destroyed as a result. Thank you Shinji... farewell..."   
She was smiling again.   
The girl closed her eyes and awaited her fate.   
No... not a girl... an Angel. That is, that's what I tried to convince myself of. I closed my eyes and tried to remember all my encounters with the Angels, all the times they had wreaked havoc in my life.   
The First Angel. It had destroyed half of humanity. It had killed Misato's father. Because of it, I eventually lost both my mother and father.   
The Third Angel. It nearly killed Rei. It tried to kill me, it hurt me. It hurt Touji's sister.   
The Fifth Angel. Rei nearly sacrificed herself to save me from it.   
The Eighth Angel. I had barely saved Asuka that time.   
The Thirteenth Angel. Touji had lost an arm and a leg because of it.   
The Fourteenth Angel. It nearly killed Rei and Asuka.   
The Fifteenth Angel. It raped Asuka's mind. She had left because of it, I was sure.   
The Sixteenth Angel. To kill it, Rei gave up her life.   
Each time I remembered how an Angel had brought pain in our lives, my anger rose. Enough to eventually forget the girl I had known as Kaoru and in its place see a monster.   
I was so enraged that I don't recall willing the hand of Unit-01 to close in on itself. I barely felt any resistance.   
When I opened my eyes, the illusion faded. When I opened the EVA's hand, I didn't see the remains of a monster. Only some red pulp. Blood. My hands were truly covered in blood now.   
I had killed. But she had said it was the right thing to do. It didn't make me feel any better.   
I was still crying in silence when they pulled me out of the entry plug...   
  


- - -

Again, I stood in front of the Tokyo-3 lake.   
Like I had promised myself, I had defeated the Seventeenth Angel. But this victory hadn't brought me any joy.   
I was now lonelier than I had been.   
And now I was truly a murderer.   
The thought made me sick.   
Whatever shred of innocence I had left had been ripped away the moment Kaoru died.   
Kaoru...   
How vivid my memories of her seemed to be...   
Kaoru, smiling at me.   
Kaoru, helping me get out of my entry plug.   
Kaoru, bringing me a meal.   
Kaoru, listening to my music, an air of calm and serenity on her face.   
Kaoru, praising me on my playing.   
Kaoru and me, talking about ourselves.   
Kaoru, holding me, making me feel safe and warm.   
As I recalled all those happy moments, I realized... I would miss her dearly. Not until she was gone did I realize just how much impact she actually had on my life.   
I did not love her. But given time, I might have.   
But I'll never have the chance to know for sure.   
"Shinji..."   
I was startled to see Misato standing right at my side. She looked sincerely sorry for me.   
"First Rei and now Kaoru... They died to save my life. Touji nearly died too. Misato-san... I don't want anyone else to be hurt because of me..."   
"I know, Shinji-kun."   
"Why am I the one who always stays alive? Why do people have to sacrifice themselves for me? I'm not worth it! My life is not worth so much pain. I should have been the one to die. Maybe there's still time to put an end to the pain."   
"Shinji!"   
I gasped as I felt Misato's hand hitting my cheek.   
"Don't you ever say that, Shinji! Don't even dare think about it! If you die now, then all the sacrifice and suffering your friends went through would become meaningless! Don't disgrace them!"   
The words hit me even harder then her hand. I had never thought about things this way.   
"Misato..."   
"Today, you've learned the tragedy of war. War is neither good or evil. It's something that simply is. One must fight for his survival. However, victory often offers no reason to celebrate, as it too can come at great cost. The only thing you can do is move on. It's the only good thing that can come out of it."   
These words felt right. They didn't bring much comfort, but they gave me purpose...   
"Even if all the Angels are gone, I feel this war is not over yet. Mankind may still depend on you, Shinji. So we need you to be strong..."   
Gently, Misato caressed her stomach.   
"... and you need to be strong for yourself, as well as those you love."   
Those I love...   
"You think you have no hope left, but you are wrong. It's not all lost... at least, I hope not." She touched her stomach again, lightly. "Room 303, Shinji. The infirmary. I'm not sure anything can be done, but... sometimes the best we can hope for is to try."   
The infirmary?   
"A... Asuka? You found Asuka?!"   
"Yes. Although, it may have something to do with the loss of the Fifth Children."   
I didn't care about the reason. All that I cared about was that Asuka was back.   
Maybe there was still hope left. After all, night always gives way to the birth of a new day...   
  
  
[To be continued...]   
  
Next time:   
Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion   
  
_Life. Death.   
Choices.   
NERV's final stand.   
Can destiny be changed?   
Can NERV and the Children win against all odds?   
Or will the world as we know it come to an end?_   
  


- - -

Omake (by Daniel Snyder) 

Deep down, I knew that she was right. It was unfair of me to just seek her love this way since Rei's wasn't available anymore. Switching from one another... it was wrong. I had been wrong from the start...   
"It's too late. I'll be leaving now."   
Asuka reached for something in her pocket and pulled out...   
"WAAAARK!"   
"Penny-chan and I will never bother you again. Ever."   
My God! No!   
"No! Not...not Pen-Pen!!!"   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][7]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: mailto:sparkster@writeme.com
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note11_1
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note11_2
   [6]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note11_3
   [7]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap11



	13. Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion   
By [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on February 14th 1999   
First pre-reader draft finished on January 18th 2000   
Second pre-reader draft finished on February 8th 2000   
Final draft finished on February 24th 2000   
Final revision on March 21th 2000 

(*) Click to reach the translations notes   
(number) See the author's notes for details   
  


* * *

  
Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion   
Part 1: Invasion

"I hate this room."   
Those were the first words I had said in... I didn't even know now long.   
I looked around. A huge room that looked even larger because of the way it was lit by the large reinforced windows and the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. A room that looked very bare, despite the presence of the bed the red-headed girl was lying on and all the equipment around her. The second bed and other extraneous furniture had been removed, supposedly for the girl's safety. The only sound heard in the room was the regular beeping of the cardiac monitor she was connected to.   
"You would be much better at home."   
But I wasn't qualified to take care of her. I raised my head and opened my eyes to look at the girl, gritting my teeth as I felt a surge of pain in all the muscles of my neck. How long had I stayed like that, sitting on that little stool?   
She was still asleep. But... she didn't seem to be at peace. Maybe she was waging some sort of war inside herself. Her right wrist was punctured with an IV drop, which kept her body alive by giving her the nutrients it needed. I knew it wasn't enough, however, as I looked at how pale her skin was and how she seemed to have lost some weight. But there was only so much that doctors could do. I looked at the bandages on her left wrist. They had already saved her life.   
"Why did you do that, Asuka?"   
Why indeed. I couldn't understand. Asuka, of all people...   
_"Don't worry, I'll never bother you again. Never."_   
Was it what she really meant?   
"Damn it, Asuka! Why?! Because of me?! Was it because of me?! Baka!!!"   
Like previous times before, I found myself crying, my tears making a few wet spots on the bed sheets covering her chest. Then, after a few minutes, the tears stopped as suddenly as they had come.   
But the question remained: why did she act this way?   
Maybe because... she thought she had lost everything she ever had.   
I knew the feeling. Hadn't I thought about it myself after Kaoru's death?   
But... Asuka wasn't a coward like I was...   
They found her in an abandoned building, about the same time I finally left the entry plug of Unit-01. She had been lying in a bathtub. Her clothes neatly folded on a chair nearby, something she never did, the water was red from the blood slowly leaking from her slit wrist. The kitchen knife she had used had been found on the floor on the other side of the bath. The security agents who had found her acted quickly enough for the doctors to save her life. Fortunately, the infirmary kept large reserves of all the pilots' blood types.   
Physically, she was now fine. She had suffered from a bit of malnutrition, but nothing severe. However, she wouldn't wake up. The doctors had said it was all up to her. She didn't wake up because she didn't want to.   
So I waited for her to come back.   
Most of the time, I simply waited in silence. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was exhausting. It reminded me much of my experience inside the Twelfth Angel. There wasn't really anything else I could do but stay put and wait. When I got too bored, I would talk to her, hoping that the sound of my voice could reach her somehow... wherever she was. I spoke of the past, of what I thought when I first saw her on that aircraft carrier, looking so pretty in her yellow dress and how impressed I had been by her air of confidence. I had admired her from the beginning. She was all that I wasn't: strong, pretty, talented, and confident. I spoke of our first night alone, the last day of our synchronization training, how I had almost kissed her. I spoke of how it had been nice to live with her, even if sometimes it had felt like some cruel torture, because of the way she always teased and insulted me. I spoke of the Eighth Angel, and how scared I had been when the Angel attacked her, and how relieved I had been when I caught Unit-02 in-extremis, saving her from imminent death. I spoke of our first date, and how I eventually enjoyed myself, despite my decision at the time to be Rei's boyfriend. How, despite everything, I enjoyed our first kiss and even more the second. I spoke of the first night we spent in the same bed and how nervous I felt, so nervous in fact that I didn't sleep at all that night. I spoke about the trip with Touji and Hikari, and how hurt I had felt when I thought she had just been using me, and how relieved I felt when she admitted that she had acted this way because she loved me and feared losing me to Rei. I spoke of the Fifteenth Angel attack, how useless I had felt, and how relieved I had been when I saw that she wasn't physically harmed, but how sad I felt to see how much that thing hurt her. I spoke of the night we made love, and how good it had felt. Then I spoke of the night she ran away. I told her everything about Rei, how she was a clone and how she had forgotten about me. Finally, I spoke of Kaoru. I told her everything, how she tried to get close to me, how I tried to reject her, how I started to consider her as a friend and how I was eventually forced to kill her.   
"Any progress, Ikari-kun?"   
The voice startled me. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I had not heard anyone enter the room. I recognized a now familiar nurse. Her name was Tanaka Michiru, if I was not mistaken. She was the one assigned to this section of the infirmary on the day shift. She was a rather plain looking woman, but she had a warm smile and was very kind. She had even brought me a meal at the end of her shift the previous day.   
I shook my head. She seemed truly sorry for me.   
"I'm sure she will get better."   
"I really hope so."   
"You must have faith. Besides, with such a kind man waiting for her, there's no doubt that she'll come back."   
If it wasn't my fault that she was in this bed in the first place.   
"If you don't mind, would you leave the room? I need to take care of Pilot Sohryu."   
"Oh... of course. I guess I'll go eat something."   
I didn't really want to leave, but I couldn't argue. The infirmary personal had been so kind to me. When I first got here, they had been reluctant to let me in, as it was off the visiting hours. But after a bit of arguing, the doctor in charge of Asuka had agreed to let me see her, telling me that right now, what could help her the most was the support of people who cared about her. Since then, I had only left the room on one occasion, as they needed to make a few tests and give Asuka a bath, as well as change her clothes. When I came back, I had been surprised to see that they had set up a small futon in a corner of the room so I wouldn't have to sleep on a chair like I had the first night.   
"You should. It wouldn't do her good if you end up yourself in one of our beds because you overexerted yourself. You already look a bit pale."   
I smiled.   
"Thanks for your concern."   
I stood up, grimacing as I felt as if lightning had just struck my back. Every muscle hurt like hell. Definitely, getting up and moving a bit would be a good idea. If the pain could subside...   
I bent down (painfully) toward Asuka and gave a soft kiss on the sleeping girl's lips. I almost regretted I did. Those were not the moist and soft lips I knew; they were dry, cracked, and completely unresponsive.   
"Ikari-kun... are you alright?"   
I looked up and blinked, seeing the nurse's concerned look. Then I realized that my cheeks were wet by a few tears.   
"I will be when she wakes up."   
I gave one last look at the sleeping girl and walked toward the door.   
"Please, take good care of her. And if it's possible, could you put something on her lips? They are all dried. It will hurt when she wakes up."   
"Don't worry. I'll make her all beautiful again."   
"Thank you, Tanaka-san."   
  


- - -

  
I took no real pleasure in eating the rice and stir-fried vegetables that were right before me. The taste was acceptable, but I had my mind on other matters. I didn't feel comfortable being away from Asuka for too long. I knew that it was very unlikely, but whenever she was out of my sight, I feared that she just might walk away. Or maybe do something even worse. I always dreaded entering her room, part of me fearing finding her laying in a pool of her own blood or hanging from a ceiling, at the end of a rope or bed sheet. Part of me tried to convince myself that she would never do such a thing, but fact was... she had already tried once.   
So I ate without appetite. I would have eaten faster, but I knew that nurse Tanaka would need some time before being done with Asuka.   
I got up and was just about to dispose of my tray, when suddenly, I heard the faint sounds of explosions, quickly followed by much stronger ones. Then, the alert siren made itself heard all throughout NERV.   
I stood there, dumbfound. An alert? Could that be an Angel? But Misato had said that the Seventeenth was supposed to be the last... I didn't understand. I really regretted not having my cell phone with me.   
Very quickly, the few people that were also in the cafeteria left, obviously in a hurry. Was this what happened each time an Angel had attacked or was today different?   
"Don't stand there like an idiot! Go to your post!"   
"Uh?"   
I turned to see a man standing in the kitchen entrance. From the way the man was dressed, he was obviously a cook. The man seemed in his fifties. His head was covered with silver and black hair, except for a bald spot, and his severe looking face was sporting an angry moustache. The man was rather tall, and while not overly muscled, he had a large and apparently strong stature. I found him to be very intimidating.   
"Sir, what's... what's going on?"   
If it was possible, the man's seemed even more menacing as he gave me a cold stare.   
"What kind of idiot are you?! We're under attack!"   
"Attack? By an Angel?"   
"Angel?! I wish..."   
Then, suddenly, enlightenment became visible on the man's face, to be quickly replaced by a frown.   
"Oh shit! You're one of those kids who pilots those giant robots, aren't you?"   
"Well... yeah..."   
The man's frown deepened.   
"Damn! C'mere! Now!"   
The man motioned me to come in the kitchen. As another explosion made itself heard, I didn't hesitate.   
Despite the fact that meals had just been served, the kitchen looked almost spotless. I didn't have the time to look around however, as the man dragged me toward an office located in the back of the kitchen.   
The office looked like the kitchen; neatly ordered. Apparently, it was the man's office, as he seemed at ease in finding and picking up the phone, then dialing a long series of numbers.   
"Is this a secured line?" asked the man. "Yeah, I know there's a bloody emergency! I heard the alarm! Look... just tell that gorgeous babe Katsuragi that I've got her little pilot boy here and would like to get him the hell out of here, so send someone to pick him up. The cafeteria's kitchen."   
Without another word, the man hung up the phone. I guess it would be as good a time as any to try again the question that was on my mind.   
"What's... what's going on?"   
The man looked toward me. I was surprised to see his face soften.   
"Invasion."   
"An invasion? Someone's invading NERV?"   
"Yeah. And from the way it looks, I don't think things will be going our way."   
An invasion. Who could be invading us? For what purpose?   
"Here."   
My thoughts were suddenly derailed as I realized the man was handing me a gun and a holster. I gasped.   
"What... what's that?"   
"A gun."   
"I know... but... why?"   
"Your safety. You ever used a gun before?"   
Oh God! This was... too much. My mind threatened to overload any minute.   
"I... I... I never used a real gun. I used guns with EVA, but..."   
"Same thing," said the man as he pulled a second gun from a desk drawer before showing it to me. "You remove the safety catch here. You point toward the target. You squeeze the trigger. As simple as that. There's only fifteen bullets, so don't waste your shots."   
"But... but... the targets... would be people..."   
The man just gave me a stern look.   
"It's you or them. If they shoot at you and miss, shoot back."   
This was a nightmare. It had to be...   
But I knew it wasn't. I realized that I was trembling. It was no good. It was like EVA. If I got scared now, there would be people who would suffer because of me. I picked it up, studied the cold and black piece of machinery and death. I then awkwardly put the holster on and secured the gun in. The gun seemed to weigh almost a ton against my side.   
I then remembered Misato's words.   
"One must fight for his survival."   
"That's it kid."   
I looked at the man. Unlike me, he didn't look scared at all.   
"It's not the first time... for you... I mean... I'm scared... but you look calm."   
The man gave a small chuckle and then smiled.   
"Oh, I'm scared, kid. I just know better then to let it control me. Properly channeled, fear makes you act more carefully."   
"Oh..."   
"And yes, it's not the first time. I was in the military a long time ago. In the wars that followed Second Impact."   
I nodded in understanding. That explained the man's rigid attitude. But right now, he didn't seem as cold as he did minutes before.   
"Have you... before... killed someone?"   
"Plenty. Not that I'm proud of it. But sometimes, you've got to do what you've got to do... I'd guess you know how it's like."   
I nodded. Kaoru... I looked at the gun again. Would I be able to do it? If someone tried to kill me, could I kill again?   
I wished I wouldn't have to find out.   
"Get down!"   
With one strong hand, the man threw me on the floor. I realized that we could hear footsteps. Several long seconds passed and then, I heard the man sigh as he lifted me up.   
"It's alright. Those guys are NERV."   
Indeed, as I looked through the window of the office, I recognized the usual black attire of NERV security. Twelve men, all dressed in black. One of the men entered and looked straight at me.   
"Come with us."   
"Where are you taking me?"   
I was getting tired of not knowing what was going on. And besides... I felt safe here with... I realized that I didn't even know the man's name.   
"Evangelion Unit-01."   
"Unit-01?! Why?!"   
"Those are the Major's orders."   
Misato's orders? Why would she send me to Unit-01? Did she intend me to... fight those invasion forces?   
"You better follow these guys, kid. That Katsuragi chick has some brains to go along with that killer bod of hers. Trust her."   
I nodded. Misato had never given me any reasons to doubt her.   
"What about you?"   
"Guess I'll come along. Staying alone here would be risky. And I'd feel bad letting a kid like you go all alone with a bunch of goons in black."   
The man smiled at me. The security agent didn't show any expression, apparently choosing to ignore the insult.   
"Thanks."   
  


- - -

  
Maybe the situation hadn't been as bad as the cook had made it look. We had been walking for maybe ten minutes and had avoided the enemy forces so far. There had been a few close calls; we could still hear the sound of gunfire and explosions, but we were alright. The man that lead the security team in charge of me appeared to be getting new information every minute or so, probably coming from Central Command. I guessed that Misato probably looked at our progress through the security cameras and MAGI.   
I was just beginning to relax when all hell broke loose. Suddenly, there seemed to be bullets all around us. The agents that were covering our backs grunted and fell, soon laying in pools of their own blood. I gasped as I felt what seemed like an intense burning feeling on one of my legs. It had just been scratched by a bullet. Just a centimeter on the left and it would have penetrated flesh rather than just grazing the skin. I had no time however to reflect on that as I felt someone pick me up and then tell me to run as fast as I could. We ran without really looking where we were going. As we turned a corner, I saw two security agents pull their guns and shoot, only to be crippled by a dozen bullets. At least it seemed to have slowed down our adversaries.   
I don't know just how long we ran, but when we finally stopped, I was completely exhausted and about to fall on my knees. I realized with horror that from the twelve men that had been accompanying me and the cook, only one remained.   
"Well, this ain't pretty..." whispered the cook to me. "'think you should hide under here, kid," he added, pointing toward a stairway.   
"But..."   
"Just do it. Let us take care of things. And if they find you... remember what you said. One must fight for his survival."   
I nodded. But... those were merely words...   
Still, I went under the stairway, trying to blend in the shadows as much as I could, and pulled out my gun.   
The next minute felt like years. I heard the exchange of bullets and screams of pain. It all ended with the sound of a machine gun.   
From my hiding place, I saw three men in black military gear walk in front of the stairway. I heard the sound of a radio, then one of the men spoke.   
"We've found a pilot. Proceeding with elimination."   
They had found me!   
Frantically, I pulled on the trigger. Nothing happened. Someone grabbed the gun from my hands before I realized I had forgotten to remove the safety catch. I was pulled forcefully from my hiding place, and one of the men forced me to kneel. He removed the safety of my gun and I felt its cold tip touch my forehead.   
"Don't blame me, kid."   
People say that a real man faces death with open eyes. I guess I must not have been a man, as I closed mine, hoping it might delay the inevitable.   
It didn't work, as a second later, the sound of gunfire made itself heard.   
  


* * *

  
First Interlude: Terminal Dogma   
  
The look on his face was priceless.   
That's what Doctor Akagi Ritsuko thought as she watched Ikari Gendo from the shadows. He was standing by a small pile of discarded clothes, looking around for the girl to whom they belong, puzzlement clearly showing on his face. It was so comical she actually laughed, something she hadn't done in a long time.   
"Rei?"   
Ritsuko frowned. That bastard couldn't even recognize the sound of her voice...   
"Lost something, Ikari?"   
"Akagi."   
His face now showed no emotions, but for a brief moment, Ritsuko thought she had seen surprise. Had that been a real show of emotions, or only a figment of her imagination, like those brief moments she thought she had seen love in his eyes as she shared his bed?   
She walked out of the shadow, and stood by one of the many LCL pools. Pools linked together, forming the shape of the Tree of Sephiroth.   
"What are you doing here?"   
One of his hands was now in one of his jacket pockets, no doubt clutching the gun she knew he kept there.   
"Just finishing the work I started."   
This time, the shock on his face was real. Of course, it concerned Rei after all...   
"Have you killed Rei?" he asked, a touch of steel in his voice.   
Ritsuko smiled gently.   
"That would wreck your plans, wouldn't it? Cutting the doll's strings would leave you with nothing, all your sacrifices would have been for nothing."   
Even as the Commander's eyes narrowed slightly, the doctor's small, serene smile never changed. Neither spoke for moments, the soft lapping of LCL whispering around them.   
"No, I didn't kill her. As much as I wanted to, to erase the doll that you chose over me. I killed all the others, but her... no, I didn't take her life."   
Here, the doctor's smile widened, showing just a bit of teeth.   
"For the second time, I gave her life."   
Commander Ikari didn't move as he considered all the ramifications of the doctor's words.   
"The memory wipe," he finally said, not as a question, but a simple statement of fact.   
"I freed her. A more fitting revenge and a way to atone for the pain I have caused your son. Using hypnosis and drugs to lock away Rei's memories of your son had the advantage of saving time, as Rei could keep her experience as a pilot and could be programmed to obey you. A memory wipe, in so little time, would have, after all, left her in a state close to a newborn baby. But it had its flaw. A lock also means that a key exists..."   
Although she hoped for some sign of outrage from Gendo, none came. Still with that small smile the doctor continued.   
"I unlocked the memory block! Fairly easy if you're the one who put it on in the first place. I only had to say a few key words. How does it feel when the puppet master has lost its strings to his puppet?"   
Looking up towards the darkened roof, her mind's eye gazed towards the Magi. "I've given life back to a child. Mother... is this what it feels like to give birth?"   
"Where is she?"   
Dr. Akagi shrugged. It was of so little importance, his demands. He would probably kill her, but she was cocooned in material warmth, nothing could touch her...   
"Probably looking for your son. No need to go after her. She won't obey you anymore. You lost."   
"Who said I needed her to act of her own free will?"   
His voice struck Ritsuko with a force so hard she though he had shot her with words. Snapping her eyes down she stared at him in horror.   
"She killed herself to protect the Third Children. If his life is threatened again, she will do as I wish."   
Ritsuko simply couldn't believe what she was hearing.   
"I can't believe that you would be that heartless."   
"I'm too close to my goal to be stopped now."   
The Doctor shivered. He was serious.   
He finally pulled his gun out.   
"I'm sorry, you might interfere again."   
His next words were spoken softly, only for her ears in this isolated place.   
The tension fled from Akagi Ritsuko's shoulders, leaving behind a strange feeling of peace. "Liar."   
The sound of gunfire boomed in the dark room and Akagi Ritsuko fell limply into one of the LCL pools. Ikari Gendo watched the body a moment, then left in search of the key to his plans.   
  


* * *

  
Part 2: Escape

It all happened very fast. So fast in fact that I think I only understood what was going on after everything was over. My brain received the data, but froze for a moment, before analyzing it.   
I heard the sound of a gunshot, but did not immediately registered the fact that if I could hear it, it meant that I wasn't dead. Then, there were other gunshots. I had barely opened my eyes to see a dead man right in front of me, then, I looked to my right to see Misato holding a soldier against a wall and pointing her gun under his chin. The third soldier was the same as the first; on the floor, dead.   
"Don't blame me either."   
Those words said, Misato pulled the trigger. I watched in horror as the wall behind the man became painted in red and his lifeless body slumped to the floor. I had never seen Misato this cold before. It was a side of her... that scared me.   
"Are you all right, Shinji?"   
There was no concern in her voice. Her eyes were of ice.   
I looked around me. There were bodies on all sides. Blood on the wall and floor. I looked at the man in black and the cook that had pointlessly given their lives to try and save mine. I suddenly felt sick and threw up. Guess I shouldn't have had that lunch earlier after all.   
"Are you all right?"   
I felt an hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Misato staring at me, this time obviously concerned.   
"Not really... but I'm not injured if that's what you want to know..."   
Even if she looked like the Misato I knew, the images of her killing a man in cold blood had shook me at my very core.   
"What about your leg?"   
Now that she mentioned it, it did hurt and there was some blood on my pants...   
"Unbuckle you pants so that I can take a look."   
She had that look again. Did battle do that to people?   
She helped me get up and I did as she told me. The wound was superficial and it wasn't bleeding too much. Still, Misato insisted on bandaging it. I almost threw up again as I saw her rip a piece of cloth from one of the corpses to make a temporary bandage.   
"Good," said Misato as I put my pants back on, satisfied of her work. "Let's go. To Unit-01."   
I removed the holster from my shoulders and followed Misato's lead, more because I couldn't stand staying here than because I wanted to follow her.   
  


- - -

For long minutes, I let myself be guided by Misato. I followed every one of her orders blindly, not even trying to see if they made sense or not. I guess I was still under the shock of what I had just been through. Quite frankly, I think that seeing people killing each other is far more horrifying and disturbing than battling a monster as tall as a building. At least, a monster IS a monster, not a human being like you. The fact that I often had to walk on dead bodies while following Misato probably didn't help my mental health in any way.   
Eventually, we ended up in one of Headquarters' parking lots. A few bodies on the floor were testament that this place had already been "cleaned". For this reason, it was almost deserted. We only saw one guard, which Misato killed on sight. We waited for a full minute and since the shot had not attracted any other soldiers, Misato dragged me toward the fresh corpse. I watched in disgust as Misato searched the body and retrieved a radio. A bit of the man's blood was on it.   
Dragging me between two cars, Misato told me to sit down and then put on the radio's headphones. She listened for a while, her expression becoming more tense, some bits of swearing escaping her lips from time to time.   
"This is bad," she finally said, as she removed the headphones. "They're cutting every access route between you and Unit-01."   
Finally, in this relative calm, I found the strength to ask a question that was torturing me.   
"Misato-san... why... why do you want to get me to Unit-01 so badly?"   
"You will be safer inside it. We've already got Asuka inside Unit-02. She can remain there for a long time, you should know yourself. And... Unit-01 may be our last hope..."   
"You want me to fight in it, don't you?"   
Misato considered the question a bit and nodded.   
"I don't want to hurt anyone anymore..."   
"I know Shinji... but if you don't help us, we'll all die. I'm not asking you to go out and kill them all. Just keep them away from Headquarters. Block them with your AT-Field. If you can, disable their vehicles. And if we're lucky, the sight of Unit-01 may be enough to keep the JSSDF away."   
Block them and scare them away. It didn't seem too bad. And if I could do that... people would stop killing each other.   
"I... I guess I can do that..."   
"If we can find Rei, we'll try to send her to Unit-02. Then she can take over."   
"Yes..."   
I could imagine that Ayanami would show no hesitation in fighting our enemies.   
I got a bit worried as I saw Misato's face get even more serious.   
"There's one more thing, Shinji. There's... there's a chance that they may use the Production Model EVA series against us. As far as I know, there may be up to nine of them ready. You'll have to be careful..."   
I gasped.   
"Nine EVAs!"   
Nine EVAs. EVA... that also meant...   
"I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, there's no way they could have gathered and trained nine pilots so fast. They'll be using dummy plugs. Remember what Ritsuko said, the things in the dummy plugs are just puppets. They have no souls. Don't hesitate."   
I remembered. The dummy plug room. All those Ayanami clones...   
"I... I understand."   
"Let's go."   
I nodded. I wasn't sure I wanted to do that, even less if I was ready to do it, but I had no choice.   
"What the hell?! Those damn sons of bitches!"   
I froze in my tracks as Misato lost herself in a litany of insults. It took me a while to understand why.   
We were standing in front of the charred remains of a car. I tried to ignore the fuming body that was lying on it's hood.   
A plaque on the wall behind the car said: "Major Katsuragi Misato"   
Very obviously, a NERV officer had been standing right in front of her car when a JSSDF soldier decided to blow the officer up. The car blew up as well... Had the situation not been so grim, I might have burst out laughing at Misato's lack of luck.   
Still swearing, Misato dragged me toward another blue sport car. She then broke a window and we "borrowed" it.   
  


- - -

Misato was recklessly (or in her case, normally) driving through the parking lot, not even making efforts to avoid the occasional body she rolled over, when suddenly, I thought it was the end of the world. More accurately, we felt a powerful earthquake, strong enough for Misato to loose her grip on the wheel and hit a parked car. Had I not had my seatbelt attached, I guess I may just have got hurt pretty badly.   
"What.... what was that?!"   
"Oh shit!" Misato answered simply before taking the wheel back on her hands, backing off a bit and then driving like her life depended on it. The brakes screamed as she stopped right on what seemed like a car lift, centimeters from the wall. I think Misato said something, but I didn't pay attention... I was just glad I had not wet my pants. Misato rushed out of the car, slipped her ID card in a slot on the upper right of the lift and as the lift descended, she rushed in.   
"Get your head between your knees and hold tight, this is going to be a rocky descent!"   
I just did as she told and was glad I did as I felt the entire Headquarter being rocked by another earthquake. I knew better this time however, as I could clearly hear the obvious sound of an explosion. Or rather multiple explosions.   
"My God! What's going on?!"   
The car was shaking so much I started to wonder if the lift wouldn't give and if we wouldn't fall at the bottom of... where ever we were going down...   
Then it all stopped and we continued to go down smoothly.   
"I think that the first quake was caused by an N2 mine. I think those bastards blew up what was left of Tokyo-3. We didn't really have time to make repairs to the armor plates after the explosion of Unit-00, so they probably got through."   
"An N2 mine! But... It must have killed thousands of people!"   
"I hope not. The city was pretty much evacuated..."   
Still, her silence suggested that there probably was a good number of casualties.   
"The second quake was no doubt a direct air strike against NERV Headquarters itself. If this place had not been built to resist Angel attacks, we'd probably all be dead by now."   
"My God... this is so crazy."   
"It is."   
Suddenly, the lift stopped, indicating we arrived at our destination. Misato got out of the car and slid her card to open two reinforced steel doors in front of us. They opened to reveal a dimly lit passage way. Misato got back in the car and drove in. As we got in the passage way, I gasped at the dimensions. It was huge.   
"This place look big enough for an EVA to stand."   
Misato nodded.   
"This access tunnel goes all the way through NERV. It's been built to move an EVA around in case the catapults would stop functioning. Had the Ninth Angel been inside of Geofront instead of trying to melt it's way through from above, you would have used this route. Normally, I wouldn't have access to this part of Headquarters, but... someone I loved left me a parting gift..."   
Misato kept a stern face, but I could tell that mentioning it was hard on her. Someone she loved... Kaji.   
"Let's go to Unit-01," I told her, trying to take example on her courage. She nodded and we drove right into the bowels of NERV.   
  


- - -

"Why are they attacking us?" I asked as Misato drove.   
I was trying to set the car's radio to NERV's emergency frequency. I was sure I had done it correctly, however it just remained silent. Misato had however said it could happen, as the JSSDF were probably listening to all radio frequencies, so the people from Central Command probably wouldn't use it.   
"I think they want EVA for themselves. They're probably just puppets, manipulated without even knowing it."   
"Manipulated? By whom?"   
"The people who created NERV. The Committee. SEELE. We've defeated the Angels, so now they must get rid of us, since now NERV is the only obstacle in their way."   
"What... what do they want?"   
"They want a Third Impact. Not through the Angels, but with the EVA series. The Second Impact fifteen years ago was caused by humans, by them, on purpose. The damage was minimized by making Adam into an egg, before the Angels awakened. Shinji, we, humans, just like Adam, are born from a life form called Lilith, the source of all living creatures. You saw her when you battled Tabris. We are the 18th Angel. The other Angels were other possibilities of what humans could have become. Listen, Shinji. Destroy all the EVAs. This is the only way to keep yourself and everyone alive. Shinji, you must...   
Misato was suddenly interrupted as the radio suddenly came to life, thanks to Maya's wonderful voice. Her words were even more wonderful.   
"My god! Unit-02 has activated. Asuka... Asuka is awake! She's still alive!"   
Both Misato and I gasped! Asuka! She was alright! And she was piloting EVA!   
Misato was now smiling widely.   
"Guess our chances just got better. Let's hurry up, I'm sure she'll need the help."   
Forgetting about the concept of safety, Misato pushed the car to it's limit. She almost came to a stop after a minute. She drove slowly, looking for something, before finally pointing two small doors.   
"Let's go."   
We just got out of the car when we again heard Maya through the radio.   
"It's... it's impossible... Nine EVAs were just launched above Geofront and are slowly descending, circling around Unit-02..."   
"Shit!"   
Misato picked up her cell phone and punched in a similar number to the one I'd seen the cook use earlier, in the kitchen's office.   
"Makoto. Relay my call to Unit-02. Now!"   
With her free hand, Misato slipped her card in a slot and silently motioned me to enter the now opening doors. She followed me into a small elevator. Soon, we were going up and Misato was talking to Asuka.   
"Asuka, you must destroy that group of EVAs. Shinji will come to assist you very shortly. Do your best." She then terminated the call and pushed the redial button. "It's me again. Can Unit-01 use exit #20? Excellent."   
She closed the phone and put it in her jacket. She then looked at me and smiled.   
"You'll be with her again soon."   
The idea may have been comforting if I hadn't known that Asuka was now forced to fight a battle where she was outnumbered nine to one.   
  


- - -

"Here it is."   
We were standing in front of a open door. Above it, I could see the designation 'Emergency Elevator R-10-20'. Even though we ran, it had taken us an entire minute to get here. A minute. Considering that Asuka was risking her life out there, it was an awful lot of time.   
We were about to go in when suddenly bullets flew all around us. Before I could even react, Misato grabbed me and we ran into the room. I did notice, however, Misato's grunt of pain before we entered the room. As quickly as possible, Misato pressed a button that closed the steel doors behind us. Just in time as we heard an explosion. Then, Misato slumped against a wall and let herself fall to the floor. We hadn't run very much, but she suddenly looked very weak.   
Had she been shot?   
"I guess we'll be safe for a moment... Are you okay, Shinji-kun?"   
"Misato-san... you're hurt..."   
She tried to give me a reassuring smile. She didn't quite succeed.   
"It's nothing serious... just a scratch... it won't kill me."   
Slowly, she struggled to get up. For a scratch, it seemed to hurt a lot. She bent toward two closed door labeled as R-20 and pushed a button. They opened to reveal an elevator.   
"Good. The power is still on. It'll work."   
She then looked at me, her eyes serious, but her face soft and calm.   
"Hey, Shinji.. from now on you are alone. You'll have to make the decisions by yourself now."   
She couldn't mean...   
"What...? I don't understand... aren't you coming with me?"   
She shook her head.   
"But you can't stay here..."   
"I... I... I have to stay to make sure no one follows you..."   
"But the soldiers..."   
"They won't get me."   
"No."   
Her eyes went wide as I said this very simple word.   
"I won't go if you stay."   
For a few seconds, Misato seemed to think, then nodded.   
"Alright."   
She did not follow me, however. In one swift move, she pushed me into the elevator. I saw her, smiling at me, before the elevator doors closed. The ride didn't take long. Not even half a minute. As the elevator stopped and the door opened, I felt the ground shake and heard the sound of a loud explosion. An explosion very close.   
"No... no... NO! Misato-san!!!!"   
  


* * *

  
Second Interlude: The one who stayed behind   
  
Katsuragi Misato winced in pain as she leaned against a wall. While her injury really wasn't lethal, she had lied to Shinji; it would kill her. That was the reason why she had stayed; if she had followed, he would have gotten himself worried and would have forgotten all about EVA just to take care of her. She sighed. Her left arm was pretty much useless and the right one was busy trying to slow down the blood flow. And worse, there was an unknown number of UN soldiers, just a few meters away, probably ready to strike any second now.   
She was already dead. Her body just wasn't aware of that yet.   
She felt the tears sliding down her cheeks.   
Closing her eyes, she let herself slowly fall to the ground. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing. She would die, along with Kaji's baby.   
She would never be a mother after all...   
At least Shinji was safe... for the moment.   
"Shinji..."   
She hoped he would be all right. And she hoped that Asuka would be safe as well. Nine against one... the odds were against her, even if she was an excellent pilot.   
"I hope you get there in time, Shinji..."   
Suddenly, she heard the sound of an explosion. The UN had probably decided to simply blow her up. That was it.   
But she didn't die.   
It took a few seconds for her to realize that. Surprised, she opened her eyes, to see a familiar yellow hexagonal shape right in front of her, blocking what seemed like a wall of fire.   
An AT-Field!   
Looking at her right, she realized that Rei was there, completely naked, a look of concern on her face. Concern? Could it be... that... her memories were back?   
"Rei...? How...?"   
"You do not look well, Major."   
"Rei... what... what are you doing here?"   
"I sensed Shinji's presence."   
'Shinji' she has said. So she did remember!   
"He went to Unit-01's cage..."   
"Then his destiny is in her hands."   
Her? Did she mean... Shinji's mother... Yui?   
"We must go," the girl simply said as she indicated with her hand that the flames had died down.   
"We can't."   
"You need medical attention."   
Sadly, Misato shook her head.   
"They'll shoot us on sight, Rei."   
"No, they will not," replied the girl, a confident smirk appearing on her face.   
Never before had Katsuragi seen such an expression on that face. Painfully, she stood up, then smiled at the girl.   
"Alright Rei, I trust you. Show me what you can do."   
Her smile faded, however, as Rei pointed out the air vent she had used to get into the room. Clearly, she expected to take the same route out... of what little remained of the room. Misato groaned. This would be a very painful escape...   
  


* * *

  
Part 3: Rage

I was sitting curled up in a ball, in a corner of the elevator. I prayed that I would wake up from this nightmare. This had to be a nightmare. It had to be...   
_"Call me Misato. Pleased to meet you, Ikari Shinji-kun."_   
Misato-san.   
_"Shinji-kun, this is your home!"_   
She had taken me into her home. No. Into her life.   
_"You've done something admirable today. You can be proud of yourself."_   
She had believed in me when others had not, including myself. She had always been there to give me support.   
_"I'm not the kind of person who can live with a stranger just out of sympathy, or because it's my job."_ [(1)][3]   
Together, we had been like a family. She had been more than a guardian and a commanding officer. More then a friend. She had been like... a mother. And again, I had... lost...   
I had lost the only family I had left...   
_"Somehow... it will be okay, Shinji... I promise..."_   
It wasn't okay... it wasn't. Things were even worse... even worse...   
_"You think you have no hope left, but you are wrong. It's not all lost..."_   
Liar... liar... LIAR!!! Why?! Why?! Why did she have to die?! WHY?!   
I was crying now, tears finally flowing freely. Only half a minute had passed, but... it had felt like years. Years filled with pain and sorrow.   
I may have stayed in there, either crying or in a daze for a long time, but a voice cut through the fog of confusion and sadness like a knife.   
"Dammit! Baka-Shinji! Move your big purple ass up here so I can kick it!!! Scheisse!" [(*)][4]   
For a few seconds, all thoughts about Misato were forgotten. Asuka? For some reason, I realized that I could hear what was going on through the room's speakers. Then I remembered _what_ was going on. The battle Asuka was waging outside. Why Misato had sent me here.   
Misato...   
_"Even if all the Angels are gone, I feel this war is not over yet. Mankind may still depend on you, Shinji. So we need you to be strong and you need to be strong for yourself, as well as those you love."_   
Strong...   
_"Listen, Shinji. Destroy all the EVAs. This is the only way to keep yourself and everyone alive."_   
Destroy the EVAs. This had been Misato's wish. Her last wish. It was the reason she had sacrificed her life. I got up, hands closed into fists. The tears still flowed, but I did my best to stand straight.   
I'd be damned if Misato's sacrifice was in vain.   
I would ride Unit-01 once more and finish it all.   
All hope I had left crashed down at the sight before me. There was bakelite. Everywhere. Blocking any access to the entry plug.   
"No... no... no! It's not fair! It's not fair!!!"   
To have come this far, to have lost all that I loved... for this! Kaji dead... for nothing! Rei gone... for nothing! I had killed Kaoru... just so this would happen! Misato had sacrificed herself... so I could sit less than ten meters away from Unit-01 and do nothing!!!   
I was ready to give up there and then when I heard Asuka again.   
"I'll definitely win! Momma is watching me!"   
Momma. Mother.   
"Mother! Mother! Please! Help me! Help me..."   
My pleas did not go unanswered. We could never figure out exactly just how much Mother was aware of what was going on outside the EVA. But it seemed that, when I was concerned, Mother, or rather Unit-01, seemed to possess a degree of awareness. This was however not something I dwelt on long.   
Bakelite and restraints broke and a giant purple and green arm emerged to hit the wall were I was standing. By reflex, I closed my eyes. I was sure that I was going to die. But as a few seconds passed, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't dead, so I opened my eyes. Unit-01's hand was just beneath me. Then I realized what it had tried to do. If I climbed on its arm, there was a passageway I would be able to reach. I didn't stop to think that if I slipped and fell, I'd likely kill myself. I started to climb with a speed that only a madman would possess.   
I had let so many people down, so many people had been hurt or had even died because of me.   
I would not let it happen to Asuka.   
  


- - -

Her scream. I heard it very clearly. I still hear it sometimes in my nightmares. Asuka was hurt. Badly.   
And I was not there.   
It took all my concentration not to forget the task at hand.   
Entering the entry plug, I initialized commands for manual activation. Soon, basic control activated and I wasted no time in closing the hatch and entering the command for plug insertion. Once inside, I immediately felt the connection. It was like never before. It felt... like a surge of energy. It nearly overwhelmed me. But it also felt incredibly good.   
With a with a low, guttural howl, Unit-01 activated. A large section of Headquarters blew up. At the center of the explosion was Unit-01, floating, two wings of golden light spread. To many witnesses, it looked like a demon that had just escaped from hell.   
I opened my eyes and then saw a scene that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I saw nine white EVAs, circling around what was left of Headquarters. And in their hands, or even worse, their mouths, they held the remains of what had once been Unit-02.   
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"   
I think that I lost part of my mind at that moment. Yet, my thoughts were still crystal clear.   
Mother.   
Father along with Mother.   
Kaji.   
Rei.   
Kaoru.   
Misato.   
And now Asuka.   
Asuka!!!   
All those who had meant something to me, all those I had cared for... they were all dead. I had nothing, nothing left. Nothing to expect. No hope.   
No. I was wrong. I did have something left, one more reason to remain alive, even if it would only be for a few more minutes.   
Revenge!   
"Die... die... die... die! Die! Die! You monsters! You killed Asuka! I'll kill you! Kill you! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"   
The EVA let out a loud furious growl as I shouted those words. I opened my self totally to the EVA and we became one. This time however, I was in perfect control and while I was barely aware of it, I knew that this time my body had not been consumed by the beast. I later learned that I had reached a stable synch ratio of 99,9999999%. [(2)][5]   
We let ourselves float down toward the ground and once we reached it, we raised our hand and brought it down furiously, as if we were attempting to claw the air in front of us. High above, the hexagonal shapes of two AT-Fields appeared, then seemed to burst. One of the enemy EVAs erupted in a shower of blood and fell right to the ground. A second one had its wings and pieces of its armor ripped and it too fell. This time, we let out a growl of savage satisfaction, as two of our prey were laying on the ground, helpless. We slowly approached the one that was closest to us. The damage was heavy but the EVA could still function. However, Asuka had apparently sliced this EVA to the waist, so all it could do was wait for its wings to regenerate enough so it could fly away. We didn't leave it the chance, as we grabbed both wings and ripped them apart. We then grabbed an arm and pulled, ripping it apart as well. We might have played for a while with our prey if the voice of Makoto had not been heard through the comm.   
"Shinji-kun! Be careful! These EVAs are not like conventional EVAs. They can regenerate themselves and reactivate even after they seem dead."   
I had guessed as much. Asuka had caused them a lot of damage. But they still moved. So these things were almost like Angels. And there was only one way to destroy an Angel...   
We wasted no time in ripping the remaining armor from the EVA. We then saw it. A dark red orb. The EVA S2 engine. We held it tightly in one hand and pulled hard. The white EVA howled in pain, then went silent. With a horrible ripping sound, the S2 engine came off. It shone for a second, then went dead, almost black. Unit-01 raised a bloodied hand and roared.   
We would probably have moved toward the second fallen EVA had we not noticed an object falling toward the ground.   
Unit-02! Or at least, what was left of it...   
After a split second decision, we ran toward its probable point of impact and leapt into the air. We caught Unit-02's torso and head and in one swift move, threw it in the lake in front of Headquarters.   
I had no real hope that Asuka was still alive. But the least I could do was make sure that her body stayed intact. There had been nothing left after the death of both my mother and Rei. There would probably be nothing left of Misato either. I didn't want Asuka's grave to be a tombstone with an empty coffin.   
As those thought crossed my mind, my rage grew.   
With a mighty roar, Unit-01 ran toward the other fallen EVA that was now struggling to stand on its single right leg. A purple fist hit its ugly head full strength. It blew up in a shower of blood and it fell to the ground. But this probably wasn't enough. Unit-01's put it's foot on the other EVA's back and pushed hard. The armored plates gave way under the pressure. Now I could be sure it wouldn't get up. This was an EVA, so destroying its power source was not the only way to stop it. Destroying its entry plug would do just as well.   
I screamed as suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my chest, like nothing I had never felt in my life. I coughed some blood and nearly passed out.   
_"Watch out."_   
Mother?   
I heard those words in my mind and raised my head to see a lance coming our way. We barely dodged it. I then realized that a similar lance was going right through Unit-01's chest and exited at the bottom of its back. It had nearly pinned us to the ground. Apparently, they had decided to attack from their position in the air. Taking the lance with both hands, we pulled. I screamed and felt more blood in my mouth as slowly the lance was pulled out of Unit-01's body. We had to interrupt the painful process, as we barely avoided another lance. Quickly, we grabbed the lance again and pulled it out in one last painful shot. Then, despite the pain, we threw it toward one of the flying EVAs. It was struck dead center and I was surprised to see it blow up, the explosion hitting three other EVAs and throwing them to the ground. Apparently, I had been lucky enough to hit it right were its S2 engine had been.   
We picked up one of the lances that had been thrown at us. As we took it, it changed from a simple lance to a familiar double pointed lance. Rei had used a similar lance against the Fifteenth Angel.   
Ignoring the pain, we charged the closest Evangelion. Asuka had heavily damaged it, as it was missing an arm and its head hanged limply, its neck apparently broken. We gave it no chance to get ready to fight. In one swoop, we used the lance as if it had been a sword and sliced its head off. It fell violently to the ground. We brought our foot on its chest and crushed it, until I was sure that the entry plug on it's back had been crushed as well.   
Noticing a presence at the extreme limit of my field of vision, I saw an EVA charging us, intending to hit us with its lance. We blocked the blow, but lost our grip on our weapon. That EVA had showed a lot of strength, considering that it had almost been sliced in half under the shoulders. We had lost our weapon, but it didn't matter. With a roar and all our strength, we punched it under the chest. Unit-01's fingers, extended as claws, went right through armor and flesh and its hand exited on the back, holding the other EVA S2 engine in it. We let the S2 engine fall on the ground and removed our arm from the EVA, letting it fall as well.   
I then suddenly realized that the other EVAs had either landed or gotten up and were slowly circling us.   
_"Finally! We can take the offensive against the Angel!"_   
_"What difference does it makes?"_   
_"Baka! Everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense!"_   
Asuka had said that during our transport toward Mt. Asamayama, where later Asuka had been forced to fight the Eighth Angel.   
_"The best defense is a good offense!"_   
Pulling our progressive knife, we charged towards one of the five remaining EVAs. It's head was a mess of tissue in mid regeneration and it had problems standing straight, suggesting that it had suffered some damage in the back as well. With one swoop, we cut off the its right arm, which held a lance. It tried to grab us with its remaining arm and we used the close proximity to stab it in the back, where I knew the entry plug was inserted. The EVA went still and we easily threw it on the ground. We quickly bent to pick its severed arm, which still held a lance, and had to avoid a series of strike coming from two other EVAs.   
The others were closing in fast.   
Four against one. Those were not good odds...   
  


* * *

  
Third Interlude: Help from the shadows   
  
"Begin operation."   
It felt as if he had said those words years ago. But it had been only minutes. For a moment, it had seemed like things would go smoothly. Asuka had been doing great dealing with the JSSDF forces.   
That is, until SEELE's nine EVAs had landed inside the Geofront.   
Even then, for a while, it seemed that Asuka would manage to actually destroy them all. That was until she got hit by a Lancea Longini copy. Out of power and pinned down to the ground, there was nothing she could do to stop the white monsters, as they reactivated and slowly regenerated.   
Kaji Ryouji had seen a lot in his life, but nothing had looked as sickening as the sight of Unit-02 being eaten by the white EVAs. Asuka didn't deserve such a cruel fate. Tears silently made their way down his cheeks as he helplessly watched the struggling EVA being pierced by all the other eight Lancea Longini copies, then ripped apart by the hungry mouths of its adversaries. Asuka had, after all, been almost like a little sister to him.   
He then watched with awe the apparition of Unit-01 and its own fight with the nine EVAs. The boy was fighting like a madman, apparently not caring in the least for his life. Never before had the purple EVA seemed so powerful and frightening. Despite everything, Kaji smiled. Shinji had come a long way...   
"My God! This is unbelievable!"   
"Of course," Kaji replied to the cameraman at his side, obviously both excited and scared by what he was filming. "I told you that you would be filming history in the making."   
Already, the man had forgotten about Kaji, trying frantically to film as much of the fight as he could.   
Kaji gave one last look at the purple EVA, then tried to concentrate on the business at hand.   
"Status?" he asked, having opened his cell phone and dialed a now very familiar number.   
"Invasion of MAGI proceeding as planned. New York will soon be taken over, then the rest will follow easily."   
Kaji smirked. Those fools! By using the other five MAGI systems of the world to take over NERV's system, they had left those computers virtually defenseless. While a system like MAGI didn't have much to fear from a single hacker, Kaji had spent the last weeks gathering together some of the greatest, if not sometimes wild, minds in computer science. Using all the data he had managed to acquire from NERV and the UN, getting in those systems, in such a weakened state, was almost child's play.   
Ritsuko might have been proud of him.   
"New York under our control, as well as Moscow and China."   
"Good. Proceed with steps two and three."   
Step two consisted of uploading on a worldwide level all the data Kaji had been able to gather about NERV, SEELE, as well as their relations with the UN and the JSSDF, the Angels, and Second Impact. The MAGI would also take over all communication satellites and transmit images on every TV channel possible. Soon, the entire would know of what had occurred and was still occurring in Tokyo-3. Or rather what remained of it.   
Step three consisted of tracing SEELE's computers and downloading as much data as possible. One of Kaji's hopes was that they could find how SEELE controlled the Type 5 EVA series and find a way to stop them. Even if Shinji was doing a good job on his own, he was still outnumbered.   
"Communication established with target's system. Target's system currently in communication with satellite in orbit."   
Kaji smiled. They had a chance!   
"Can you confirm that this satellite is used to remotely control the target's Evangelions?"   
"Confirmed."   
"Excellent. Send ejection codes on that signal."   
There was only a slight chance that this would work. If SEELE had changed the codes for the controls on that EVA model, that plan would fail. It was also possible that the intrusion on SEELE's system would be detected any second now...   
Kaji almost let out a scream of joy when two of the white EVAs suddenly stopped, their entry plug being ejected.   
"Connection with target's system has been terminated."   
That much was expected. Still, they had managed to stop two of the remaining EVAs. And from what he was hearing on a radio Kaji had "borrowed" from a JSSDF soldier, apparently the orders to invade NERV had just been nullified.   
"Maybe I was able to keep my promise after all," Kaji thought, as he remembered his vow to protect Misato and the Children from the shadows.   
  


* * *

  
Part 4: Choice

Things were not going well. Two EVAs had managed to grab hold of us while a third was about to shove its lance right through Unit-01's chest. As hard as we fought to get free, the two other EVAs managed to overpower Unit-01.   
Then, a miracle occurred. The EVA that was about to kill us stopped moving for some reason and its entry plug ejected. I also felt the EVA holding my right arm loose its hold. I didn't try to understand what was going on; we just grabbed the neck of the other EVA with our free hand and squeezed. That EVA was a pretty ugly sight, as there were metal spikes imbedded in its heavily damaged head. Asuka had not been tender with it. It didn't get prettier when its neck suddenly snapped. It let go of me and it only took one punch in the back to make sure it would bother no one ever again.   
Now, only one remained. It had been standing at a distance from us. Whether it was because it wasn't needed or simply because it had intended to watch the other EVAs finish us, I never knew. Not that I cared. It only had signs of moderate damage to the chest. This one had probably been the last one Asuka had battled before she was finally beaten.   
We picked up the lance that had threatened to pierce us a few moments earlier and faced the remaining white Evangelion. It seemed to stare at us. We raised the lance we were holding and held it firmly in front of us. Our adversary raised its own lance just like we did. Its reptilian like face seemed to give us a mocking smile.   
"Die!" I screamed while Unit-01 roared.   
We launched ourselves toward the white EVA. It ran toward us. In retrospect, it was very cliche. The final battle, two enemies charging one another, intent on killing the other in one last strike.   
The two EVAs met for a split second, then stopped after a few steps. They both stood still, no longer facing each other.   
The white EVA then fell on its side, a lance going through its chest and exiting on its back, where its entry plug had been located.   
In Unit-01's cockpit, my hand went to my right side. My shirt was red with blood.   
Unit-01's hand went to its side. The other EVA's lance had torn the armor and scratched the flesh.   
We had done it. We had destroyed the EVA series. We had won.   
I coughed some blood. Now that it was over, I could feel just how badly my chest hurt. I realized just how hard breathing had become.   
"Kaji... Rei... Misato... Asuka... guess we'll meet soon..."   
I was slipping into unconsciousness when I felt the EVA being shaken and sharp pain in one of my shoulders. My eyes snapped opened and I saw... something in front of me. It was a humanoid form, made of... white light? And it was slowly growing, much taller then an EVA. At the center of its chest I saw the all too familiar shape of an Angel's core.   
In shock, I recognized the features of that being of light. Father!   
The being raised a hand and a light beam shot from it. It struck Unit-01 right at the center of its chest. I coughed some more blood, before the pain finally knocked me out.   
  


- - -

I slowly awoke under a familiar ceiling. An infirmary room. I fought a moment to keep my eyes open, but the dim light hurt my eyes and my eyelids were very heavy. I felt numb all over, and very groggy. I was probably under heavy medication. But I was alive. How come?   
I couldn't really ponder more on that question as sleep claimed me once again.   
  


- - -

The next time I awoke, I felt a bit better, although, I couldn't really feel my entire body, so I suspected I was still under sedative. It didn't quite explain, however, a slight discomfort I felt each time I breathed. It felt as if... something was holding my chest very tightly, even thought I couldn't see anything of the sort. It felt constricted; I could breathe, but not nearly as much as I used to. For a moment I panicked, which didn't help in anyway, but eventually I calmed down as I realized that things where not as bad as I originally assessed them. It just required a slight extra effort on my part.   
I looked around. I was clearly in an infirmary room, I could tell from the look, if the cardiac monitor and IV drop in my arm wasn't indication enough, but it looked like none of the rooms I had visited in Headquarters before. It was brighter. I gasped as I realized that through a window, I could see the sky.   
I was definitely not in Headquarters.   
There were a good number of plants and flowers in the room which gave it a joyous air. On a bouquet, I could read the words "Get well". I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It smelled nicer then the infirmary rooms I was used to. I was still looking around when I heard someone enter the room.   
"So, you finally woke up for good."   
I gasped, the cardiac monitor going wild for a moment.   
Misato.   
It... it had to be a dream... or maybe it was paradise. I had died and I was in paradise.   
But if it was the case, why did she wear one of her arms in a sling?   
If this was paradise, I had a weird view of the afterlife.   
"Mi... Misato... Misato-san..."   
I could feel my eyes getting wetter by the tears.   
"Oh Shinji... It's okay... it's okay..."   
She ran to my side and leaned toward me so that she could give me a hug without getting in the way of all the machines I was hooked up too.   
"There is no reason to cry, Shinji. It's all over now. Thanks to you, we're alright."   
"Misato-san... I thought... I thought you had died..."   
She looked down at me. Tears were wetting her cheeks too.   
"I'm okay Shinji. I told you that gunshot wouldn't kill me."   
"I'm so glad..."   
Misato smiled.   
"Tell me... what happened, Misato-san? I remember fighting the last EVA series. Then, there was that thing... I think it knocked me out..."   
"You were lucky it didn't kill you. The blast completely ripped off Unit-01's chest armor."   
"What was that thing... I... I thought I saw my father..."   
"That thing was the first Angel. Adam."   
"What?!"   
"Guess it's better to show you."   
From her jacket pocket, Misato retrieved a DVD. She walked toward a corner of the room where a television and DVD player were fixed and put the DVD in. [(3)][6]   
"We were lucky to get those first pictures from one of the few cameras that actually survived both the N2 blast and the JSSDF air strike."   
On the screen, I saw my father. A group of JSSDF soldiers surprised him and shot him on sight. I hated the man. He had been a constant source of pain, hurting me over and over again. Yet, to see him die this way... knowing that my last words to him were that he was a heartless son of a bitch... it hurt. Deep down, despite everything, I had hoped that once everything would be over, we would have a last chance. But that chance had been denied. I surprised myself in feeling a tear making it's way down my cheek.   
My father's body was slowly emptying itself of all it's blood when suddenly, his head got up and his eyes opened.   
"What the hell?!" I gasped.   
"Look at his eyes," simply said Misato.   
White light. They were glowing...   
The same light kind of light the being that attacked me was emitting.   
My father, or rather the thing, got up and walked away, its body slowly starting to glow and grow.   
"What just happened there?" I managed to ask. The initial surprise gone, I found it actually hard to talk.   
"From the information we gathered, your father intended to trigger his own Third Impact. The specifics are rather complicated, but to simplify things, to that effect, your father apparently had Adam, in embryo form, implanted into his left hand. Apparently, when your father got killed, Adam awoke and started to regenerate, using your father's body."   
I nodded. I didn't really understand, but it didn't matter. Father had died and the First Angel had grown from his body. Good enough.   
"And then it attacked me?"   
"Yes."   
"If it was really the First Angel, why are we still alive?"   
"Well, after you were knocked out, Unit-01 went berserk. But... it wasn't as erratic as usual. It picked up one of the lance of Longinus copies and attempted to destroy the Angel's core with it, without success. Then, for some reason, the real lance of Longinus just... came... and Unit-01 used it to kill the Angel. Now, I don't know if it was because it had just awakened, or because it had lost most of its energy when Second Impact occurred, but the explosion that followed its destruction was nothing compared to the explosion that destroyed Antarctica. However, it would have been powerful enough to kill us all if Unit-01 hadn't taken most of the blast, just after it ejected your plug."   
"Unit-01... took the blast? It ejected me?"   
Was it... Mother? Was she the one, who fought... Father?   
"How... how is Unit-01?"   
"Took heavy damage. We've managed to get it moved into cryostasis, as for the two relatively intact Type-5 EVAs and three others that were not too damaged, as well as a few... spare parts. I don't know, however, if Project-E will go on. With all that happened"   
I could only agree. EVA had hurt so much. But... Mother was still... inside that thing.   
"I see..."   
Misato gave me a worried look.   
"Shinji... will you be alright... with all this?"   
"Why wouldn't I be?"   
"I know you hoped to... with your father..."   
"It's okay Misato... I'll be alright. It's sad, however. Father sacrificed everything for his obsession and in the end, it destroyed him."   
She smiled.   
"Well, I at least have some good news. Well, sorta. It depends on the point of view."   
"Good news?"   
"I'm not the only person who lived through this hell."   
I gasped. Was... was it possible?   
"A... A... Asuka? Is Asuka alive?"   
I held my breath, awaiting the answer. Misato just nodded and smiled.   
"She's alive... she's alive..."   
"Partly thanks to you. Throwing the remains of Unit-02 into the lake protected her from Adam's explosion. You gave her the chance she needed. But..."   
Her expression changed from an happy one to a worried one.   
"What? What's wrong?"   
"Well, she's been badly hurt. Those lances... you felt it yourself. It nearly killed you, you know. If your lungs hadn't been filled with LCL, you'd probably have died. Even now, a small part of your right lung is only a mass of dead tissue."   
So that's why my breathing seemed odd...   
"I don't know what those things really are, but their effects are frightening. Unit-02 was stabbed with all nine of those EVAs lances. It took sixteen hours just to stabilize her condition. Thankfully part of Headquarters' infirmary survived the explosion, so one of our surviving doctors could operate on her. She's in this hospital now. I think they are currently working on her. You two are considered like heroes by a lot of people, so with the whole JSSDF mess, the government is using her to try to save their face. Guess it's luck within bad luck."   
Asuka... was hurt... But she was strong... she would be okay. She had to be.   
"She'll be okay," said Misato, as if she wanted to confirm my beliefs.   
"I hope... but... something I don't understand... why didn't the JSSDF kill us all?"   
"Well, while you were fighting, someone released information on SEELE, NERV, the UN and the JSSDF all over the Internet. Images of the JSSDF attack and your fight against the EVA series were aired on all channels all over the world. The public was quickly outraged by the sight of such massacre. The government quickly called off the attack. Right now, there are a number of investigations taking place all around the world. This thing is a total mess..."   
"I see..."   
Misato walked toward me and caressed one of my cheeks with a finger.   
"You still seem pretty worn down, Shinji. You should rest now. You can think about all this later, with a clearer mind. I'll leave you for now."   
"Misato-san... I'm really relieved that you're alive..."   
She smiled again, and surprised me by leaning down and kissing my forehead. Like... a mother would to a son.   
"Sleep well, Shinji."   
She left without another word. Father was dead. But Misato and Asuka were alive. I found myself having difficulties feeling sad. I felt a bit guilty about it, but quickly all thought became a confused mess as I fell asleep.   
  


- - -

Five days later, I woke up to find a girl sitting on a chair next to me. She was reading a book. I blinked, wondering who this girl could be. She had short jet black hair, cut straight an inch under her ears and from what I could make, she seemed to have dark brown eyes, partly hidden behind a pair of glasses. She wore a baggy sweatshirt and a pair of loose jeans. She was a bit pale, but she had a beautiful face. It was somewhat familiar, but...   
Could it be a girl from my class?   
"Excuse me... who are you? What are you doing here?"   
This surprised the girl. She had apparently been so absorbed by her reading that she hadn't noticed that I had been looking at her for a full minute. She looked toward me and for a few seconds, her gaze bore into mine. It felt very familiar...   
"Shinji!!!"   
The girl's book fell on the floor, forgotten, as the girl nearly leapt toward me. I grunted in pain as I felt the girl squeeze me in a hug.   
"Oh! I am sorry! I had forgotten! I... I... I am sorry..."   
I watched the girl apologize... something... about her...   
"Who... who are you?"   
"Shinji... it is... me... you do not recognize me?"   
And I suddenly did. That voice. That gaze. The color wasn't the same, but the intensity... I blinked several times. This couldn't be...   
"R... Rei? Is that... is that you?"   
The girl nodded. Tears watered her eyes.   
"But... but... you didn't remember... and your hair... your eyes..."   
I didn't understand. What was going on here?   
The girl removed her glasses and I saw her guide a finger to one of her eyes. I gasped as she removed a contact lens and as she stared at me, one eye red and the other dark brown.   
Rei... it was Rei! And she was alive!   
"You're... you're alive! Rei!"   
I reached out for one of her hands, and took it into mine, holding it tight. I had to know if this was a dream or not. It wasn't.   
"What... what's going on? Why this disguise?"   
"Ayanami Rei is dead," Rei said flatly. "She died in the invasion of NERV Headquarters." Rei then smiled. "This is Major Katsuragi's official report."   
"I... I don't understand..."   
Rei lowered her head, as if in shame.   
"SEELE knows what I am. If Ayanami Rei is alive, they would be tempted to use her for their own ambitions. So she died."   
I suddenly understood. If Rei was considered dead, then people wouldn't try to harm her.   
"But what I don't understand... how... why... why do you remember me now?"   
"It is thanks to Doctor Akagi."   
Ritsuko. She had done this. I would have to thank her.   
"I see," I said, a grin appearing on my face. "But you didn't answer my initial question. Who are you?"   
Rei smiled in return.   
"Mizuno Rei." [(4)][7]   
"Pleased to meet you, Mizuno-san. I'm Ikari Shinji."   
"I know."   
Rei. Rei was alive. The Angels were dead and the EVAs were, for now, no longer a threat. Finally, we could have a normal life. Things could go back to the way they had been before the Fifteen Angel had appeared.   
No. They couldn't. It had almost destroyed us...   
_"Shinji-kun, there are many ways to love. It is possible to love two persons, in similar, yet different ways. It is right. But for you to really be happy, you must find the love that you held the dearest, that will make you feel complete. Do not hesitate."_   
Kaoru had been right. It was time to choose.   
  


- - -

412. I stared a long time at this number. My hand reached for the doorknob. It was slightly shaking. Nearly one month had passed since I had learned that Rei was back to her old self. One month and yet I hadn't managed to prepare myself to do this. I was pathetic.   
I did have the excuse that I had been somewhat busy. The first week after Rei's visit had been rather calm, as the doctors had decided to keep me for one more week, to make sure that none of my injuries, especially the one to my lungs, would not get worse. I doubted it would, that was not how the power of the Lance of Longinus seemed to work, but I didn't really complain. Some peace and quiet was rather welcome, even if it was boring at times. Quickly, I got used to my new breathing capacities and I used the time I had to visit Touji's sister, Suzuhara Mari, who happened to be in the same hospital I was. I had been surprised to see that the little girl was actually able to make a few steps now. The first time I had seen her, she been almost covered in bandages. Now... it was only a matter of time before she would walk normally again. I cried in relief at that sight, guilt that I had always refused to let go finally being taken away. Puzzled, the little girl just hugged me.   
I tried to visit Asuka, but it hadn't been possible, due to her condition.   
I did, however, receive some visit myself, as Touji, accompanied by Hikari and Kensuke, as well as Rei, in company of Hotaru, came a few times.   
Then, things became a bit hectic. The day after I've been released, I've been asked to take part in an inquiry lead by the UN, with the purpose of understanding the events that occurred that day of June 11th. Since I had played a major role in stopping the attack lead by SEELE, I was asked many questions. It lasted more then a week and once it was over, Misato and I attended an official NERV press release, where we explained the events that had occurred to the general public, who had watched on TV the entire event and wanted to know what exactly had happened. I apparently became quickly a popular figure; after all I had basically saved the world, at least that's what people thought, and I spent the following days travelling around the world with Misato to appear on TV shows and give interviews. Those had been very exhausting days. I was glad to be back in Tokyo-2 now.   
Now I could finally do something I should have done a long time ago.   
"Time to get this over with."   
I opened the door and entered Asuka's hospital room.   
Like the room I had woken in after the battle at NERV, this was a rather pleasant room. The walls were of a light shade of blue, which was better then a bare white. The shades were fully opened, letting the morning light poor freely into the room. I walked toward a desk, removed withered roses from a vase and replaced them with a fresh dozen of red roses. Then I went to the side of the bed and sat on a chair, as I had done many times before.   
Asuka was lying still on the bed. She was very pale and had lost a lot more weight in the last few weeks. Doctors were amazed that she actually managed to live through all the numerous operations she had undergone. Even now as I looked at her, her left eye and right arm were in bandages, after some American specialist had tried a new experimental neural regenerative treatment on her. The man had high hopes for her arm, but not for her eye. The damage to her optical nerve and to her retina had been too extensive. She would never see from that eye ever again. That is, if she would open her eyes at all.   
It was almost ironic. The assault against NERV had pulled her out of a catatonic sleep only to throw her into a coma at the end.   
The doctors had lost hope for her to wake up long ago. Still, they had operated on her, repaired or replaced damaged organs one after another. It seemed like a waste, but it was good propaganda. This girl was, after all, a hero to the world. She might have been proud of herself, had she been awake.   
Delicately, I took her bandaged hand into mine.   
"Asuka... I've got something to tell you."   
I looked at the girl. I had wished she had been awake for me to tell her this, but I could no longer delay my decision.   
"I'm sorry Asuka. I should have done this a long time ago. But I was afraid. With Rei and you... I no longer felt alone. I thought that if I made a choice, I would lose one of you. I didn't want to lose either of you. So I made you wait. I was so selfish..."   
I took a moment to gather my thoughts. Somehow, the words I had thought of before coming here were slipping my mind.   
"At one time, I thought that everything would be simple. Rei didn't remember me, so I didn't have to make a choice. It was unfair, but it was so simple... But... she remembers me now. She's back to her old self. I won't make the same mistake this time. I won't wait for one of you to leave me. I... I had a lot of time to think. About a choice..."   
God, this was difficult.   
"Asuka... when I'm with Rei... I feel... how could I say it... safe. I feel good. Comfortable. There's nothing for me to do. I know that she's the kind of girl... who'll love me no matter what. She'll never do anything to hurt me. She'll never scold me or tease me. She'll do everything I'll ask of her with a smile... Asuka... I... I..."   
I took a pause. Come on, Shinji, say it!   
"I... I don't want a comfortable life! I don't want someone who'll make me the only goal of her existence. I'd only be hiding from reality again. And it wouldn't be fair to Rei. Asuka... what I'm trying to say... I want you Asuka."   
Somehow, I had hoped that saying those words would steer some reaction from her. But it didn't. Still, I had to go on.   
"I think it's something I knew all along, but never tried to see it. But when I saw you in that infirmary bed at NERV... when I saw those white EVAs eating the remains of your Unit-02... when I thought you had died... it hurt more then losing Rei had. When I slept in Kaoru's arms that night, before I killed her, I thought of you. When I made love to you, I felt something... a moment where I felt that there was my place, in your arms. I won't lie. I love Rei. She means a lot to me. But... it's not quite the same. I guess she's a bit like... a mother. No... maybe a sister. Or maybe even more. I'm not quite sure. But what I know... as much as I love Rei... I love you more. I love you, Sohryu Asuka Langley."   
I got up, and briefly kissed her lips. Then, I pulled a small velvet box from one of my pockets. I opened it to retrieve an engagement ring, a perfect copy of the ring I had bought weeks ago, on impulse, while shopping with the girls. The original ring had been destroyed in the Geofront N2 bombing. Slowly, I slid the ring on Asuka's left hand.   
"Unless you wake up now to say 'no', you'll be my fiancee from now on..."   
The girl didn't react. While part of me had feared her suddenly waking up and rejecting me, I felt very disappointed in her not reacting at all. Maybe the doctors were right...   
But I wouldn't give up.   
"I'll wait for you, Asuka. Even if it means waiting all my life..."   
  
  
Click here to reach the [Author's notes][8]

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note12_1
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#Scheisse
   [5]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note12_2
   [6]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note12_3
   [7]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#note12_4
   [8]: http://www.geocities.com/nge_toili/notes.html#chap10



	14. Epilogue - And they lived happily ever a...

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Epilogue - And they lived happily ever after... or so they tried   
By [Alain Gravel][1]   
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on January 14th 2000   
First pre-reader draft finished on February 14th 2000   
Final draft finished on March 14th 2000   
Revised on March 21st 2000   
  


* * *

  
"I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away..."   
"Man, you really look pathetic, you know that?"   
I almost jumped off my seat. I turned around, my heart beating as if it was about to burst, to see Touji leaning against the door frame, a wide grin plastered in his face.   
"What are you trying to do, kill me?!"   
Touji sighed and walked toward me and patted my shoulder.   
"You're so tense that the air around you is almost still. Try to relax, man..."   
I don't know if it was his words or his presence, but I felt less nervous. Just a little bit.   
"You know, you almost look good in this," I teased Touji, speaking about the black tuxedo he was wearing.   
Actually, he did look very good in it. This was radically different from the usual track pants and jacket he almost always wore back in our school days. Probably Hikari's influence. I noticed that he also wore black gloves. I was very grateful for that. Even if the advances in bio-robotics had been astonishing these last few years, they hadn't yet managed to make artificial limbs that looked totally like real ones. Touji knew that the sight of his artificial hand tended to make me uneasy. I was over the guilt, but... I just couldn't look at it...   
"Well, of course! Although, this collar is so damn tight..." replied my friend as he fidgeted with the said collar. "You look good yourself."   
"I hope so... if I do anything stupid today, she'll likely kill me."   
"Yeah... man, I can't believe you're marrying her! You're really a masochist, you know. How'd you manage that anyway? I thought she didn't even want to hear about the word 'wedding'? Did she get tired of saying 'no' after hearing you nagging her about it for four years?"   
"Well... things happened..."   
Touji started to grin. I knew that I was blushing. Could never get rid of the stupid habit.   
"Things happened... like what? Come on, give me all the dirt!"   
"Well... you see... Asuka is... Asuka's pregnant."   
Touji's grin was replaced by shock.   
"What?! The Demon's pregnant?"   
I nodded. While it was something Asuka and I were, now, both happy about, it was still somehow embarrassing. Enough for me to forget to remind Touji not to call Asuka 'Demon'.   
Touji then started to laugh.   
"Oh man... way to go you lucky dog! You're the man! Didn't think you'd be as devious as to get her pregnant so that you could marry her."   
"Hey! It didn't happen on purpose!"   
"Come on Shinji... one of you had to 'forget' about... you know... protection."   
"We never used any."   
"Uh? And you say that wasn't on purpose?"   
"We didn't think we needed any."   
Touji noticed how serious I had gotten and gave me a puzzled look.   
"After that day... the doctors... they told her that she would never have children."   
"Oh..."   
Because he had been at the Tokyo-2 hospital with us, Touji was probably the best informed about the seriousness of Asuka's injuries, except for Misato, Asuka and I.   
"At first Asuka had been relieved, but... it was all a lie. It was one more attack against her femininity. She had thought she would never want to have children, but when the doctors told her... but I guess they underestimated just how stubborn Asuka could be..."   
"Yeah, when it comes to pride, no one beats Sohryu Asuka Langley. Or rather Ikari Asuka Langley."   
"Actually, it'll be more like Ikari Sohryu Asuka Langley." Noticing Touji's blank expression, I thought it was best to explain a bit more. "She didn't want to loose the name Sohryu and I didn't want to change Ikari for it, so we sorta made a compromise."   
"Geez... you've got no backbone."   
"Hey! At least I get to choose the name of our child!"   
"Oh? Got any names so far?"   
"Well, Akiko if it's a girl. Haven't really managed to choose a name for a boy yet..."   
"Touji would be a nice name."   
I smiled. Good. Guess it was as good a time as any to ask.   
"She'd skin me alive if I named our child that way. Beside, it'd be confusing to give a child his godfather's name... that is if you want the role of course."   
Shock showed on Touji's face, followed by a smile so wide it almost spread from an ear to the other.   
"It would be an honor, Shinji!"   
I smiled myself.   
"That way, uncle Touji, Hikari will be able to spoil it too. I hope she won't take it too hard, but we asked Rei to be the child's godmother."   
"Well, she'll understand. I mean... Rei is family... sorta. Besides, Hikari's already happy enough being the bridesmaid."   
To get some people to keep Rei's identity secret, we had explained a bit about Rei's origins to Touji, Kensuke, Hikari and Hotaru. Not everything of course. In fact, we had lied a bit. Or more accurately, bent the truth. One of those 'lies' consisted of Rei being my half sister. Which wasn't totally false on a biological basis, if you considered that a good part of her DNA came from my mother. I guess it was a good thing I had never told them about just how far Rei and I had gone in our relationship... 

"Asuka pregnant... seems unreal. I mean, knowing Asuka, she'd probably go hysterical at the thought of getting as round as a ball..." Touji paused for a moment as enlightenment seemed to suddenly hit him. "I get it now! That's why you two are rushing this wedding! And that's why she'll wear a kimono, even if this wedding is a western one! She doesn't want people to know she's getting fat!"   
Touji was now laughing like a maniac. I sighed.   
"You know, if Asuka heard you, you're dead. And I won't even dare think about what Hikari, Rei or Hotaru would do to you."   
Touji gulped and suddenly looked very pale. Anyone in his right mind knew it was better not to seek the wrath of Sohryu Asuka Langley. It was well known that I was the only one who had a chance to get away with it. However, I suspected that Touji was actually more afraid of Hikari.   
"Umm... say..." obviously, Touji was more then willing to change the subject. "Speaking of Rei... I saw her... when I came in. She looked... good. How have things been for her lately? The last time I saw her... I know you said she had been better, but... she looks so different now."   
Yes, Touji hadn't seen her in nearly four years, not after she had left Tokyo-2 to return to the rebuilt Tokyo-3. Not surprising he had noticed a difference.   
"It's like I told you. As you know, she took it rather hard. She left, found a job as a waitress and practically returned to the life she had lead before we started to date. She lived this way for almost an entire year, avoiding all the people she had known, especially me. Then, one day, Asuka got tired of me whining about how worried I was about Rei, or so Asuka says, and she apparently went to have a talk with Rei. Asuka came back very late that night, with a black eye and bruised cheek dragging along an ashamed Rei and a garbage bag filled with all of Rei's personal possessions. She simply said that Rei would be staying a few days until she could find a decent apartment and flopped down on our bed, exhausted. From that moment, Rei and I started our relation from scratch, a few days later Rei found a new apartment, a new job and since that day, she's been living as if she was trying to catch up the last fifteen years, which I guess she's trying to do. She already has a degree in computer science and biology and lately, she's been studying psychology and physics. A lot of stuff I can't even understand. She's had a good number of part time jobs over the years: web page designer, nurse assistant, cook in a restaurant, waitress and singer in a karaoke bar, as well as plenty more I can't even remember. When I asked her about being my child's godmother she just quit a well paid job as a secretary in a big law firm to take a job in a child day care center. She wants to get used to children."   
"Geez, does she find any time to relax?"   
"Not really. She spends most of her free time doing community activities. She did take a whole month off last year and spent it at the beach in Okinawa."   
"But you're worried about her, right? I can see it on your face."   
"Well, not worried. I just... I just hope that one day, she'll find someone... you know... like us. She dated a few times, but, it never went farther then a first date."   
"Still guilty about not choosing her, aren't you?"   
"Yes and no. I know it was unavoidable, but... sometimes I can't help thinking that I could have prevented a lot of pain had I chosen much earlier."   
Touji raised his left hand and put it on my shoulder.   
"You can't change the past, Shinji. You just accept it and go on." Touji then removed his hand from my shoulder and closed it into a fist. "And if you really work hard, things will work out. Look at this hand. I could beat the crap out of you with it if I wanted to."   
I knew Touji was right, but...   
"Asuka did the same after she came out of the coma. She just gritted her teeth and moved on. Because of that, she'll be the mother of your child. You should follow her example."   
"I'm trying. It's not easy... but I'll make it..."   
"Good."   
Then, Touji surprised me in pulling me into a hug.   
"You're a friend, Shinji. So I want to see you smile."   
"I'm glad you could come, Touji."   
"Wouldn't have missed it for the world. Hikari either. Besides, the restaurant can run itself for a few days, even if the food is just not as good if Hikari's not in the kitchen. And it's about time we took some time off. To be honest, between the rehabilitation center and the restaurant, Hikari and I don't always have much time together. Maybe I'll quit my job and work with Hikari full time."   
Once Hikari finished highschool, she and Touji had opened a small restaurant in Tokyo-2, using a sum of money Touji had received from the UN in compensation for his accident as an Evangelion pilot. Hikari had always had a talent for cooking, and this was, for her, like a dream come true. On his part, Touji had developed an interest in rehabilitative care and took a part time job in the same rehabilitation center he had stayed in after he had received his first artificial limbs.   
"Didn't you love working at the rehabilitation center?"   
"Well, you know how it works. After all, you did refuse a job at the Tokyo-2 Philharmonic Orchestra just so you could stay close to Asuka..."   
At the time, it had been a tough choice, but now that I looked at it... I couldn't have been happier.   
"Yeah, I guess. But I really simply prefer to be a cello teacher here. The kids are so nice and it's just so rewarding to know that you can share something with them. Beside, if people want to hear me, they can always buy the CD. And... there's also the matter that I can't get too far away from Unit-01."   
"So you still take those tests every month?"   
"Yeah. Got to make sure I can still synchronize."   
It had been a controversial decision, but two years after the near annihilation of NERV, the organization had been reformed, financed by both the UN and private funds. With the threat of Angels gone, its main function was to research and learn more about the Angels and develop new technology. There was much interest in the development of an eighth generation computer system, as well as the development of nanotechnology and new medical treatments. Also, five of the Type-5 Evangelions had been fully restored, as well as Unit-01. While the Type-5 EVAs had been used in a few combat situations, it was doubtful that Unit-01 would ever be used again. But there was still the possibility of another hypothetical Angel attack, as well as the threat of a hostile country building its own EVA, so it had been judged reasonable to repair Unit-01 instead of dismantling it. Of course, since I was the only one who could pilot it, people at NERV had insisted that I stay in Tokyo-3. And now that Asuka had gained the rank of Lieutenant within NERV, Tokyo-3 was the only place I wanted to be. Besides, I did get an awfully big paycheck for a few synch tests each year as well as occasional conferences and tutoring on EVA piloting.   
"Can't believe you'd still pilot that thing after all that happened."   
"I'm the only one who can do it. And... I owe EVA a lot, despite all that happened. Besides, it's unlikely that Unit-01 will ever be used again."   
Touji nodded. True, a lot had been lost through the Angel War, but we had all gained a lot too, despite the sacrifices. We were both thinking about memories of the past, when the room's door opened slightly to reveal a head.   
"Are you guys dressed yet?" asked Hotaru, eyes closed just in case our answer had been negative.   
"What's the matter, Hotaru-chan, don't want to see real men for a change?" teased Touji.   
Hotaru opened her eyes and grinned. The girl had really changed over the years. No. Not changed, but rather opened up. A lot of people wouldn't have believed that this apparently shy and introverted girl was capable of some of the things Rei and Kensuke had told me about...   
"Oh, from what I heard from your girlfriend, Touji-kun, Ken-chan is much more of a man then you. By almost two inches at least."   
Oh my... Touji was bound to react to that. Well, his fault for teasing her first.   
"What?! Mine's way bigger then Kensuke's!"   
I sighed. I really hoped that Touji wouldn't pull his pants down just to prove his point.   
Unfortunately, he did.   
Hotaru's smile widened. I developed a big sweatdrop.   
"Nice. But I bet Ken-chan can use his better."   
Touji was about to reply when Hotaru screamed.   
"EEK! HENTAI!"   
It didn't take a minute for Rei and Hikari to appear behind Hotaru. Rei smiled slightly. Hikari was red with anger.   
"TOUJI NO BAKA!"   
Touji passed out. And he dared call me a wimp.   
Rei pulled Hikari away, who seemed ready to kick the now limp form of her boyfriend. I looked at Hotaru who could barely restrain herself from laughing.   
"You're wicked," I told her.   
She just stuck out her tongue. I sighed.   
"If you can wake him up, it's time. Good luck, Shinji-kun. And try not to faint like Touji-kun did," Hotaru said before leaving herself.   
I sighed again, and then worked on slapping some sense into Touji.   
  


- - -

For many reasons, Asuka and I had agreed on a civil wedding. We had never been the religious types to begin with, and to be honest, religion was something we tried to avoid. While most considered us heroes, there were a number of people who considered us evil for destroying God's Messengers and therefore taking away man's only hope for salvation. Over the years, a large number of cults had begun to appear and a few of them wanted us dead. For that reason, we had chosen to have the wedding and reception held in a inn located in a small village, not too far from Hokkaido. It also explained the presence of a substantial group of NERV security agents dressed in civil clothes in almost every corner of the small building.   
"Hikari's gonna kill me..."   
I sighed yet another time. Touji had kept mumbling that ever since I had woken him up.   
"Nah, she's probably just gonna use that whip Asuka gave her when she got back from her last trip to Germany..."   
"Hikari's gonna kill me..."   
I stopped in my tracks and shook Touji, drawing the attention of all the people in the room waiting for the soon-to-be-wed couple.   
"Hey! I'm the one who's supposed to be scared here! So get a grip!" Then I leaned forward and whispered a few more words. "Don't worry, we've got plenty of sake for the reception, you just hide for an hour or two after the wedding and we'll get her drunk. Then you can apologize, and use the old 'Touji-charm' on her..."   
This seemed to reassure Touji, and we proceeded toward the center of the room where Takahashi Kyoko, Supreme Commander of NERV was waiting to marry the groom and bride. Since Asuka and I worked for NERV, it seemed appropriate that she would be the one to marry us. Unlike my father, Commander Takahashi was a very warm and compassionate person, even if she could be as cold as steel in time of crisis. At forty, she was still a very beautiful woman, with dark brown eyes and shoulder length raven black hair, and while the black and gold rimmed uniform had given my father a sinister look, Commander Takahashi filled it nicely enough to still attract men's attention. Seeing her suddenly reminded me what would happen in the following moments, and now that I didn't have to worry about Touji, I could feel myself getting very nervous. Commander Takahashi gave me a warm smile, which eased part of my anxiety.   
As I waited for my beloved to join me, I looked at the people gathered before me. There was not a lot of people and most of them were either NERV employees or had been NERV employees at a time. It was alright with Asuka and me; we didn't need a lot of people, just friends and family.   
On the right was Ritsuko. Since she couldn't really choose where to sit, being stuck in that wheelchair, we left for her a good space in the middle of the front row. I had to admit, despite the fact that she couldn't walk, she looked really good, much better then in those times back in the Angels War. There was more life in her; she looked more alive then ever. The fact that she now dyed her hair brown, as it used to be back in her teenage years, probably helped too. Also, the challenge of creating a computer system superior to her mother's seemed to exhilarate her. But I knew that two other factors played a role to her happiness. The first one was sitting at her left and gently held her hand. We hadn't been really surprised when Maya admitted her feelings to her sempai. It had been more surprising to see Ritsuko opening up to her. But after loving someone like my father for so long, we could only be happy for them. Of course, since Maya was actually in charge of the NERV research department, both of them acted as if nothing was going on. But we knew better. I smiled. It was ironic that the student was now supervising the teacher. But one had to agree that Ritsuko was far more efficient if she only had to take care of one single project. She was a genius in her field and it was a waste to distract her with administrative concerns.   
Rei was at Ritsuko's right, although a good two meters separated them, as it was needed to leave the bride and groom some place to walk. If one hadn't known her as well as I did, he probably wouldn't have recognized her. While she still had a rather modest chest, especially compared to Misato or even Asuka, Rei had grown into a gorgeous young woman. She had let her hair grow almost down to her waist, and the time she had spent at the beach had given her the opportunity to get a slight tan, although it hadn't been without effort, as apparently her skin tended to burn. She didn't wear her glasses today, so all could see her dark brown eyes clearly. She wore a skintight white silk dress that contrasted with her raven hair. She was magnificent. But sometimes, I would wonder how she would look if her hair wasn't dyed and if she didn't wear those tinted contact lens. The last time I had seen her real eye color was close to three years ago, when Asuka had dragged her home. I felt myself blush as I remembered one embarrassing encounter in the bathroom...   
If Maya was Ritsuko's lover, Rei had become a sort of daughter to her. As Rei tried to reach out again to the people she had parted from, a bond of sort formed between the two women. They had both deeply changed and were in need of something they apparently found in one another. Back in Rei's earlier years in NERV, Ritsuko had always been the one which had taken care of Rei's physical health; who had taught her the basic facts of life. The relation had, however, always been strained by Ritsuko's hate for what Rei had represented. Now that this hate was gone, it lead the way to a deeper relationship. That birth of that relationship probably occurred the day Ritsuko decided to free Rei of my father's influence. Rei had always felt she owed Ritsuko deeply for that chance at life.   
Hotaru was sitting at Rei's right. I smiled as I noticed the way Kensuke was holding her hand, his feelings for her apparent in the way he held it. I was glad that Kensuke had been able to make it to the wedding. Disgusted from anything military by the massacre that had occurred in Tokyo-3 and lead to the death of his father, Kensuke had chosen to follow another of his interests: the gathering of information. At barely nineteen, he was already one of the country's top journalists. Because of that, he tended to travel a lot. It was pure luck that he had actually been sent to investigate something in the region of Hokkaido. From looking at him and his girlfriend, no doubt Asuka and I wouldn't be the only ones having fun tonight. After all, with Hotaru living in Tokyo-3, and having now recently taken over Maya's old position in NERV, the two didn't see each other as much as they might have wished. But somehow, they seemed to be at ease with that life style. From what Rei told me, Hotaru enjoyed spending most of her time alone, even if seeing her Ken-chan usually brightened her days. For his part, Kensuke loved running around, looking for some juicy piece of dirt to expose. Maybe the two would settle down in a few years...   
At the time, it had come as a shocking surprise to learn that Hotaru's mysterious internet correspondent was none other then Kensuke. Nobody had really suspected that Kensuke could be the romantic type. In fact, nobody could even imagine Kensuke even considering dating a girl. Guess we didn't know him that well. Now that he had grown taller and bigger and had traded his glasses for contact lens, a good number of our old classmates considered Hotaru to be one hell of a lucky girl. Not to mention that, financially speaking, Kensuke was a rather good catch.   
Sitting right to Kensuke was Kouzou. I still sometimes had trouble calling him that. I couldn't completely forget the image of the NERV sub-commander off my mind. Fuyutsuki resigned from NERV the day after the JSSDF attack. With SEELE defeated, at least for now as not all SEELE members had been found yet, and Gendo dead, he hadn't seen any reason to go on working for NERV. So he now lived a nice and comfortable retired life, thanks to a more than adequate retirement fund provided by the UN. The price for his silence he liked to say. Having worked for my Father, Fuyutsuki knew a lot of dirty secrets about a lot of organizations. Still, his silence was probably the only reason he was still alive.   
I had been surprised to receive his visit at the hospital a day before I was due to leave. His words had been brief, but they had meant a lot to me. _"Your mother would be proud of you."_   
Since that time, we kept in touch. I tried to visit him at least once a month. He was a nice man, once you got to know him, and I learned a lot about my parents from him.   
Back on the other side, Misato was seated at Maya's left, or at least tried to be seated as she had a hard time controlling that four year old bundle of energy that answered to the name of Katsuragi Ryouji. It finally took Makoto's help, as well as a promise to take the boy to Tokyo-2 Disneyland, to calm the four year old. Misato sighed and let herself slump in her chair, intending to enjoy that brief moment of calm.   
Once it had become clear that Asuka and I would be alright and would manage on our own, NERV lost the services of its former Major. Had she not resigned, Misato would probably have been wearing Commander Takahashi's uniform, although she did look stunning in that black dress she wore. Asuka and I had not been very surprised when she told us about her intentions of opening a karaoke bar in Tokyo-3, at the time in mid reconstruction. It had proven to be a good business venture. With all Angels defeated, people tended to party more and being the first bar opened in Tokyo-3 gave Misato the opportunity to establish a firm clientele. The fact that the owner was well versed in alcoholic drinks, even if she didn't drink anymore, as well as being very attractive only gave her additionnal support. Misato seemed very happy with her choice. It was a lot of work, especially raising a small child alone, but it was also a lot of fun. And she wasn't alone. Rei had given her a hand by working for a while in her bar. Asuka and I often babysat for her, as did Makoto, who also took care of her business paperwork and worked at the bar two nights a week. Not to mention he was a very good client, at least when he wasn't out doing his job as private investigator.   
The actual depth of Misato's relation with Makoto was rather uncertain. Makoto's feelings were well known. The man admired her and probably truly loved her. As far as anyone could tell, ever since the first day he started working for Misato back before the Third Angel attack, he had never attempted to date another woman or shown any interest in any woman save for Misato. He was probably as close of a friend to Misato as Ritsuko, maybe even more. They worked together and spent a lot of their free time together. Misato's son loved Makoto very much, and even called him Uncle Makoto. But the true question was: did Misato love Makoto? She liked him a lot. That was for sure. She could hardly have found someone more caring and dedicated than Makoto. And while I wasn't really a good judge, Asuka thought he wasn't bad looking.   
But Makoto was not Kaji Ryouji. And as long as Misato wouldn't move on, Makoto had no chance at winning her heart.   
I smiled as I noticed that Penpen was seated next to Makoto. The warm water penguin looked older now with his grayed eyebrows and his feathers seemed a bit paler. I had also heard that he couldn't digest Misato's cooking anymore. Not that it was a surprise. As he realized I was looking at him, he raised a wing. It was sometimes amazing how intelligent that penguin was.   
There were a few other people seated, but I didn't know them very well. A few of them were Asuka's co-workers. Others were security agents passing as guests.   
All in all, there was only one missing person, Aoba Shigeru. We never managed to find him. The last time he had been seen, he was sliding a guitar on a shoulder, a bag on the other and walking out of our lives, the open road before him. I didn't really mind much. Unlike the others, I never really got the chance to know him. Still, he had played his role in the Angel War and Asuka and I would have liked to share our happiness with him.   
My train of thought was suddenly interrupted as the wedding march started. I looked toward the back of the room and gasped. She was beautiful! Well, to me, she always looked beautiful, but... at that moment... she seemed radiant. For a while, she had wondered if she'd look good wearing the traditional wedding kimono, but as I looked at her, I realized that clothes were simply irrelevant. Nothing could have made her more beautiful then she was now. As it dawned on me that the moment I had waited for all those years was so close at hand, I felt my knees threaten to give way. I may have fallen had I not felt Touji's hand on my shoulder. I looked at him and realized he was just as mesmerized as me. And he had good reasons to. Hikari herself was magnificent in her own kimono.   
"No second thoughts about that double wedding proposal?" I whispered to Touji.   
Touji didn't say anything, but I was sure part of him was considering the idea very seriously.   
For moments that seemed to last forever, the two women walked toward the aisle, where they took their place. I smiled nervously at my fiancee and was somehow reassured to see that she seemed just as nervous as me. I then noticed a detail I had neglected moments earlier. Asuka's left eye wasn't covered with the eye patch she usually wore in public. The dead gray eye contrasted with the blue one, bright with life. I noted the significance of this detail. Asuka had wanted this day to be for me a perfect one, and so she had let all masks and artifices behind. I smiled again, and I knew that this time it wasn't a nervous smile; it was a smile that carried all the love I felt for her. This moment of peace didn't last long, however, as Commander Takahashi spoke.   
"We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman. If there is anyone present here today who knows why these two people should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."   
Asuka and I had decided to make it short and quick. No long speech and such. We'd have a quick wedding, then a great reception and, without any doubt, an even greater honeymoon.   
I was about to give Rei a worried glance, if someone had something to say here, it could only have been her, when suddenly I noticed something odd. A red dot on Asuka's chest slowly moving up toward her head. Kinda like... a laser sight.   
I may not have received military training, but all those training exercises and all those experiences piloting EVA into battle came crashing down on me in a fraction of a second. Without even thinking, I jumped toward Asuka. At the same moment, I heard a familiar voice, calling at me.   
"Shinji! Get down!"   
I think Asuka and I were falling to the ground as the first gunshots were heard. Then I heard a quick and violent exchange. I recognized the sound of the fire arms used by NERV security, but the sounds of machine gun were not so familiar. Soon, everything was silent.   
When I opened my eyes, I realized that everyone in the room seemed very shaken by what had just happened. Even the security officers had seemed to have been taken by surprise. Most of them had their guns in hand, a few of them were either injured or dead. I also noticed that a wall had a gaping hole in it and right there laid a man all dressed in black, his body crippled by too many shots to count. I was no specialist, but my guess was that the man had somehow managed to hide in another room and had made a hole through the wall so he could shoot us. Over an hundred of bullets shot by more then a dozen agents had considerably widened that hole.   
How that man had managed to elude Security and actually make a hole in a wall without anyone noticing, I couldn't figure.   
I was about to look at Asuka, to see if she was alright, when I noticed something odd. Among all the chaos, there was one man who seemed completely calm and in control. I gasped as I recognized the man's face.   
Kaji Ryouji.   
The voice I had heard... It had sounded so familiar... it was him!   
He was alive!!!   
Realizing I was looking at him, the man smiled, waved at me, and then walked away.   
I might have called him or chased after him had I not heard Asuka moan in pain. I looked at her. Thankfully, she didn't seem hurt, only slightly shaken.   
"Hey! Baka! Why did you..." the words died in her mouth as she raised her head and took notice of what had just occurred. "Mein Gott..."   
I looked toward the direction where I had seen Kaji. He was nowhere to be seen. I then looked around me. Misato's son was crying, while Makoto tried to calm him and his mother down. Misato was still clutching the child as if her life depended on it. She had probably shielded him with her body at the first sound of gun fire. Ritsuko didn't seem very perturbed by what was happening. In fact, she seemed to give the scene a rather scientific look. She did however try to calm Maya down. It had probably reminded her of memories she probably would have liked to forget, the attack on NERV Headquarters. I had heard that the whole event had shook her rather badly. Quite frankly, I could understand why.   
Kensuke seemed tense, but alert. I guess he hadn't completely forgotten about his military fantasies. He was clutching Hotaru against him, ready to protect her with his life if needed.   
Closer to us, Hikari was sobbing against Touji's chest. The poor girl must have been scared. I then noticed with a slight bit of horror that there was a bullet hole in Touji's left arm. Had that bullet come any closer...   
"Shinji, are you okay?"   
I looked toward Rei, who was standing just in front of me, a look of concern in her eyes.   
"Yes. We're alright."   
Well, it was partly true. I felt pretty much shaken myself. I found that I actually couldn't get up. I wasn't hurt, I just had the scare of my life.   
Then, we noticed the moaning. We looked down and realized that there was a man lying on the ground in front of Asuka and I. I recognized him as one of NERV's security officer. He was breathing, but he was bleeding rather badly. From what I could quickly tell, his left arm and shoulder had taken a few hits. He was rather young I realized, maybe only one or two years older then me.   
"Are you alright?" asked Rei. It seemed like a stupid question, but I couldn't have found a better one myself.   
"Not really. I've been in more pain before, but not bleeding as much as this. This sucks. If my old man ever hears about this, I won't hear the end of it."   
Rei blinked, while I nearly gasped. That man had taken maybe close to ten gunshot wounds and worried about his father?   
"You talk a lot for someone who just got shot," said Rei simply, but smiling.   
"Well, you don't want me to go into shock, do you, miss?"   
"True," nodded Rei.   
I watched the exchange, a puzzled look on my face. What was going on with Rei?   
"Can I borrow your belt, Shinji?"   
"Yeah... sure."   
I quickly unbuckled my belt and gave it to Rei, which she quickly used as a tourniquet on the man's arm.   
I looked around to see that Asuka was currently talking with Commander Takahashi. She didn't seem happy one bit.   
"This will slow down the blood flow," said Rei. She then ripped the bottom of her dress and used the fabric as a compress on the man's bleeding shoulder. "You should be fine until medical help arrives."   
"Thanks to you, miss."   
"You saved Shinji's life."   
It suddenly dawned on me that this man had probably taken a few bullets meant for either me or Asuka.   
"Well, it's my job..." simply said the man, scratching his head with his uninjured hand.   
"And you did a very good job, young man," said Commander Takahashi, who had gotten closer to us. "At first glance, this assassin probably worked for the cult of the Holy Flaming Cross. Had you not protected them, he might have killed two of our most precious people."   
"At least there's someone in Security who did his job right," mumbled Asuka.   
"Yes..." nodded the Commander. "I don't like this. We may have traitors in our ranks. I'll have to give this affair top priority as soon as we return to Tokyo-3." The Commander then looked back at the young man, still tended by Rei. "Tell me, young man, what's your name? Your face is not a familiar one. New to Security?"   
"The name's Saotome Yuu," replied the young man rather proudly. "And yeah, I'm new to NERV, Commander. I wanted to join the Science department; you see, my real line of work is with computers and I really want to meet the famous Doctor Akagi, but there were no openings, so I joined Security instead, so I could keep an eye open for future possibilities in the Science department."   
The Commander smiled.   
"Interesting. Well, you get better and maybe we can get you an interview with Doctor Akagi. What do you think, Ritsuko-san?"   
"I don't know about his skill, but I like that boy," answered Ritsuko, much to Yuu's delight.   
"Well then... transports should be getting here soon, so you just hold on a little bit. Speaking of which... can someone tell me what's taking those stupid VTOLs so long to get here?! We have wounded people as well as Lieutenant Sohryu and Mister Ikari to evacuate! Who organized those security measures?!"   
"Hey!" said Asuka on a tone rather not suitable for someone speaking to its superior officer. "You can't evacuate us! We're not married yet!"   
Surprisingly, the Commander's expression softened.   
"Asuka, I understand your feelings, but someone just tried to kill you. I can't let my future second in command get killed now before she even gets the chance to be promoted..."   
I think that Asuka completely missed part of what the Commander tried to say, as she went on with her protestations of our wedding getting cancelled.   
"Can't we just make it quick?! I mean, there's not much left to do!"   
Gently, I put my hand on her shoulder to get her attention.   
"Asuka... I'm not sure it's appropriate. I mean... there's people who got shot here."   
"I know!" snapped Asuka. "And they are taken cared of!" Probably seeing the hurt look on my face, Asuka took a moment to calm down, her face showing a softer expression. "Look... Shinji... after all we've done for the sake of others... all the pain... all the sacrifices... can't we at least be a bit selfish for a few minutes?"   
"I guess... I guess we could."   
"So?" asked my fiancee to the Commander.   
The Commander took a moment to think.   
"I suppose we can do it. After all, the transports are not here yet. But it will have to be quick."   
"Fine," agreed Asuka, while I nodded.   
After a few seconds, the bride, groom, bridesmaid, best man and the commander were ready to pick off were we left off.   
"Ikari Shinji, do you take this woman, Sohryu Asuka Langley, to be your lawfully wedded wife; to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"   
I took the ring that Touji handed me and nervously slid it on Asuka's finger. How weird that a situation could change so fast. In a matter of seconds, I just forgot that someone had almost killed us.   
"I do."   
"Sohryu Asuka Langley, do you take this man, Ikari Shinji, to be your lawfully wedded husband; to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in heath, till death do you part?"   
Asuka slid the ring on my finger. Their job done, Touji and Hikari scrambled to be lead to the transports that had just arrived.   
"I do."   
"You may kiss your bride."   
I did so. Gladly.   
"You are now, husband and wife. Now that this is done, let's get the hell out of here!"   
Asuka and I were roughly brought down to earth, after one of the most memorable kisses we ever shared, and were dragged toward a VTOL, soon to leave Hokkaido behind us.   
As we flew away, I thought about Kaji. He was alive. All this time, he had been alive. And he obviously cared, since he actually came our wedding. Then, why didn't he tell us?   
He probably had his reasons. Kaji was an honorable man. Surely, it was important. Important enough for us to keep believing that he was still dead. So I decided not to tell anyone. It would probably just hurt Misato more then anything else.   
I chased that thought away and smiled. I was a married man now...   
  


- - -

"I bet you never expected your honeymoon to begin in a cargo plane, huh?"   
After getting us evacuated, Commander Takahashi had us transferred to a NERV cargo plane departing for the currently in construction NERV French branch. Asuka started to argue, as spending our honeymoon in France had not been in our plans, but the words 'all expenses paid' calmed her down. The others had all been sent to their respective homes, with an escort of NERV agents. I felt a bit sorry for what had happened, so I promised them that we would hold a big party when we got back. The only exception was Rei. She had flown to Hokkaido with Yuu. I must admit, I was a bit intrigued by her behavior. There was something in her eyes... something I hadn't seen in a long time. Or maybe I wanted her so much to fall in love that I was imagining things. But she did have a tendency to like weirdoes.   
"I never even thought I'd get married. Period. You must be a very special man, mister Ikari."   
"Not as special as my wife..."   
I held her closely and kissed her with all the passion I felt for her. It was a very long kiss.   
"Think our lives will always be as hectic as this?" asked Asuka. "Piloting giant robots, battling giant monsters, avoiding assassination attempts and the like?"   
"Maybe. But frankly, I don't care. As long as you'll want me in your life, there's nothing more for me to ask for."   
"You're an idiot!" suddenly said Asuka, surprising me by the tone of her voice. "But you're my idiot," she added in a whisper. "Baka-Shinji," she purred, as she started to nimble on my ear. "I want you."   
"Asuka! Someone could come and see us!"   
"I don't care! I feel a bit naughty... let them come, we'll give them a show to remember. Don't you feel a bit naughty, Baka-Shinji?"   
I did.   
Fear. Pain. Anguish. These will always exist. However, I knew that if we were together, we would always overcome all obstacles, or at least fail trying. If we were together I knew that, as long as the sun, moon and earth exists, that we would have a chance to achieve happiness.   
I love you, Asuka.   


The End   
  


- - -

Author's notes: 

For those interested, my young NERV agent, Saotome Yuu, was inspired from two fics: a NGE/Ranma cross over called "Past/Future" by Long Ngo and a Ranma 1/2 fic, "Magic", Richard Lawson. The name Yuu was taken from a series named "Marmalade Boy". 

Before anyone says anything, let me clarify that Rei and Yuu won't automatically fall in love. I put this as a possibility, a ray of hope. Whether they only go on a single date or become a couple is up to you, my readers. One thing I don't want to believe in is that Shinji is Rei's only hope for love. There has to be one lucky bastard somewhere with whom she just may fall in love with. They just have to cross paths. Maybe they did, maybe they haven't yet... 

This entire epilogue is somewhat only the icing on the cake. The true end really came with Chapter 12. I didn't, however, want to leave you all with so much questions hanging, such as "Will Asuka wake up?", "Did Ritsuko die?", etc. From the end of Chapter 12, a lot of scenarios could have been made. 

This epilogue is my official end to TOILI. It came from months of planning and pondering on the kind of future the Children could have. I wrote it to mainly please myself. If some of you don't like this ending, well feel free to imagine your own, just as long as you don't start writing it and "publish" it without my authorization.   
  


- - -

Author's closing words: 

Well, this is it. 

It's finished. 

There may be some more side stories to expand a bit the TOILI universe, but in itself, it's finished. 

Finally. 

One year. It took one ENTIRE year to go through this project from beginning to end. Counting the prelude, prologue and epilogue, fifteen chapters. Over 300 pages of text. An incalculable amount of time spent thinking, writing, revising, hunting the web for thousand of pictures, watching the TV series over and over, reading the NGE manga and hundreds of other fanfics, answering all my TOILI related mail and having ICQ discussions. So much time... it was literally part of my life. Nearly an obsession. Nearly. At least, I could still tell I was not Ikari Shinji... ^_^ 

It's been a hard journey. First, I had to deal with the obstacle of another language. Since that first day of February 14th 1999, my English dramatically improved I believe (but I still need the use of a team of pre-readers... guess it hasn't improved nearly enough). Then, I had to write the story itself. Not an easy task, if you consider it was almost entirely written under a first person perspective and that I had to actually create a believable love triangle, using three characters known for their lack of social aptitudes. Thankfully, the story was received far better then I expected. Your compliments and encouragement gave me the strength needed to see this story through. 

Thank you all... 

It's been fun. Very fun. Enough for me to write a few other fanfic stories before moving to something else. I think it's safe to say however that this will be my first and only long fanfic series. It's very fun, but very draining as well. And quite frankly, I don't think I have any other long tale to share... 

Now that the story is over, I think I can safely admit it. Originally, I intended Asuka to win all along. It was clear in my mind. Asuka was my favorite NGE character. I didn't mind if she usually got Shinji in most stories. This was MY story after all. She nearly failed. Something happened. Something unexpected. Chapter 3. Ayanami Rei. I started to like Ayanami Rei. No... I started to love Ayanami Rei as much as I love Sohryu Asuka Langley. For a while, I was confused. I wanted Asuka to win, but... Rei was so much better. She was so nice, she went so well with Shinji. So very well. This proved to be her downfall in the end. She went TOO well with Shinji. It was too perfect. To nice. To calm. I could picture them sitting on a couch, hugging each other, not saying anything, just content of being there, warm, safe, not lonely anymore. I could picture them doing this... all their lives. That's where it didn't work. It couldn't. It wasn't NGE enough. It was too calm. It was boring. Both of them... deserved better. They could probably mature better if they both followed their separate path. Asuka offered Shinji what he needed. Someone that could love him, but also someone willing to shove a spine up his ass. Someone he could devote his life to, yet that wouldn't be dependant of him and that wouldn't tolerate him being dependant of her. It was the perfect chemistry. Chaos is life while absolute order is death. Asuka could bring just the right amount of chaos Shinji needed in his life, but also the right amount of love.   


Well, this is my view of the NGE love dynamics... 

I hope you enjoyed this story. On my part, I enjoyed writing it.   


I dedicate this story to a wonderful young lady, Tam Ka-Wing. 

May you enjoy this Valentine's Day, KW-chan ^_^   
  


Alain   
February 14th 2000   
  


   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/



	15. Outtakes - Those scenes you were not mea...

The One I Love Is...   
Outtakes   
(Those scenes you were not meant to see)   
  
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
  
[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]   
  
Based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX.   
February 14th 1999 to February 14th 2000   
  


_Introduction: _

These are scenes, omake or suggestions that didn't make it into the original story (in some case, the context didn't allow the use of those scenes, in other cases, these scenes where just plainly stupid). I thought it would be a waste to simply discard those, so, inspired by a same "chapter" written by Jim Lazar, in the context of his story "Garden of EVA" (read it, some twisted fun), I've put all those "forgotten" scenes together into this little outtakes file. 

Oh yeah... Some of the scenes here qualifies as 'Lime'. Actually, some may even qualify as 'lemon'. Now you are warned.   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #1 -

"When I came to NERV, it was usually either to go fight Angels or to submit myself to Dr. Akagi's never-ending tests." TOILI, Chapter 3 - Breaking the Ice. 

This little line caused EeL, one of my pre-readers and author of "HERZ" (you should read that fic BTW), to give me a quick and funny comment. From there, (and also the fact that I watched some Tenchi Muyo the day before) the gears in my sick mind started to turn and soon, a little omake was born. Only problem: it really didn't fit anywhere. 

Once it was ready, I've shown it to a few people. While they found it funny, I was told this little thing had some similarities with a story by Shinji the 10 o'Clock Assassin, "No need for Shinji". This is pure coincidence. Besides, this thing really follows more what happens in the Tenchi Muyo OVA 7. Well what might have happened if Mihoshi hadn't shown up ^_^   
  


- - -

In the depth of NERV headquarters, into one of it's highly secret laboratories, a small drama was about to take place...   
NERV Evangelion Pilot, Ikari Shinji, was standing, almost naked except for his boxer shorts, arms and legs immobilized by mechanical restraints. Near him was Dr. Akagi Ritsuko, busy looking at the data on her computer.   
"Umm... blood, body fluids, hair samples... That's just about all the physical samples. Brain wave pattern, harmonics pattern... Everything seems normal.", said the doctor.   
The young pilot couldn't help but feeling reassured at hearing this. Although he didn't really feel comfortable about his position right now, being semi naked in front of a woman, even if she was a doctor...   
"I have all the samples I need for analysis..."   
Shinji was happy to hear this. That meant he could go, right?   
"Except for the most important one!"   
Shinji could help but feeling fear as he saw the doctor leave the room, then quickly come back, clad in a nurse outfit and putting white plastic gloves...   
"I'm ready now!"   
"Uh... What's... with the... nurse outfit?"   
The doctor just gave him a wicked smile. Shinji couldn't help but shudder as he saw the predatory look in her eyes. Then she let out a wicked laugh and walked toward him. Fear became sheer panic as Shinji realized the doctor had just grabbed his shorts.   
"What are you doing?!"   
"Just need some sperm sample."   
At the thought, Shinji started to squirm in order to get free. All in vain of course.   
"You're joking, right..." he barely managed to ask.   
The doctor smiled. This didn't reassured the boy one bit.   
"Strictly medical. But don't worry. I am, after all, the number one genius scientist of the universe! And I do have a lot of practice in these matters. Just ask your father..."   
In the shadows, two red eyes watched, as protests slowly became moans.   
"Interesting..."   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #2 -

The following piece was sent to me by my trusted pre-reader, Darren Demaine (some of his work is on my page, read it!). I found it quite funny. Only one problem... The day before getting this mail, I had _already_ applied a similar idea on my chapter 6, so I couldn't use it. Still, I liked the punch line at the end, so here it is... 

I've modified a few bits here and there, but it's still basically how Darren send it to me. I just added the first lines to show how this could have been ether added to chapter 5 or used as an omake.   
  


- - -

Morning came as usual. And as usual, I wasn't waken up by the light of the rising sun, but rather by the fiery temper of my roommate, co-worker and source of daily pain and annoyance, Sohryu Asuka Langley.   
"Come on! I want breakfast! NOW!"   
However, unlike any other day, I panicked as I heard those words. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was holding in my arms a certain blue haired girl. A barely clothed blue haired girl I might add. Now, if I knew Asuka well enough, she was probably about to burst into my room any moment now. And if she were to find us like this...   
"I'm gonna die..." I thought. (reminds me of Makoto from El-Hazard...)   
My guess proved to be right, as Asuka finally got tired of waiting and opened my door. I knew it was too late, but I tried to hide Rei under a blanket.   
(my part mainly ends here)   
  
Asuka looked mad enough to kill someone. Since there were only two other people in the room at the time, that meant a 50/50 chance it would be me.   
"First!" Asuka shouted, stepping forward. "How dare you!?"   
"Asuka-" I tried to interrupt.   
"Shut up!" she screamed at me. Turning back to the ever calm Rei, Asuka's ire seemed to turn up several notches. "How dare you?! You know perfectly well I get him Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays! You'll just have to wait for your next Monday, Wednesday, or Friday!"   
For some reason, the squeak that escaped my lips at this knowledge sure sounded like, "What about Sundays?"   
Misato leaned in through the open door.   
"Well, someone had to take up the difference for the odd number of days in the week. You don't want these two girls kill each other over it, do you?"   
I felt faint.   
Misato turned away.   
"It's just too bad that Pen-Pen won the coin toss for that day though."   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #3 -

This part was written as a omake for either Chapter 7 or a side story of chapter 7. However, to make it more interesting (at least in my opinion) I used a plot device I've seen in a story by Godsend777 (Strangely Darkfic). So I didn't want to use it in TOILI. But I had to write it.   
  


- - -

Misato watched with a mixture of horror and consternation as the girls fought. She knew that there was tension between the girls, but she never imagined it could come down to this. When Rei fell to the floor and Asuka started relentlessly kicking her in the ribs and back with her feet, Misato understood that she had to do something.   
"Asuka stop this now!"   
The redhead gave the Major a look so full of hatred that she would remember it the rest of her life. However, Asuka stopped kicking Rei... that is until the blue haired girl bit her ankle, then grabbed her long red hair and pulled her to the floor. The fight started again and this time it was even more vicious.   
Misato thought about trying to physically stop them, but with the girls this out of control, chances were that she would be knocked down first. So she decided to use her mind instead. Unfortunately for her, her mind was partially clouded by a six pack of beer...   
Without much thought, Misato pulled a picture from her jacket. It was part of her private collection...   
"Yoo-hoo! Girls! Look! Look! A picture of Shinji naked!"   
The two girls went still. Then, slowly, their head turned toward Misato. Later, the Major swore that their eyes lit up with a eerie glow.   
_Berserkers._   
She barely had the chance to realize how stupid that idea had been before being subject of untold scenes of extreme violence.   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #4 -

One of NGE most controversial question is: Who killed Ryouji Kaji? Let's see if we can find out...   
  


- - -

(first, let's see the "original" scene) 

As he heard footsteps closing in, Kaji Ryouji knew that the time had come. He had become too much of a threat for SEELE and NERV to live much longer. The urge to try and simply escape was great, but it would not solve anything. Only with his death could he protect those he loved and cared about.   
He opened his eyes and raised his head, so that he could see the eyes of the person intent on killing him.   
"Hi. You're late."   
The sound of a shot echoed in the room.   
Kaji Ryouji fell limply onto the ground. His assassin left without a word... 

--- 

(First possibility) 

_"Yes. the case was solved."_   
Those where words from the men of Intelligence. The case. Was he just that to them, just a problem to eliminate?   
_"How is he?"_   
_"I have no idea."_   
The men in black didn't try to hide facts from her. She was sure of that. They had messed up. _He_ wasn't a man that you could kill that easily. He wasn't dead.   
But she was supposed to meet him. Maybe it was destiny. Intelligence had released her almost just in time.   
Taking her gun out of her jacket, she looked at it. The men from Intelligence had gave it back to her on her release. Was it its purpose, its fate? It felt heavy in her hand. For the first time, she realized how ugly it seemed to her. She verified the clip. Full.   
She moved on, knowing quite well how close she was from her destination.   
Then she saw him.   
He stood there, looking calm, relaxed, eyes closed. Not what you would have expected from someone you were supposed to shoot on sight.   
He still hadn't shaved.   
She raised her arm. She couldn't keep it steady. Her aim was at best sloppy.   
She didn't want to kill him. She didn't want to. But it was her duty...   
What was the value of duty?   
Probably sensing her presence, he opened his eyes. A smile grew on her face.   
"Hi! You're late."   
He was oblivious to the weapon pointed toward him. No, that wasn't true. He did know of the weapon. But he didn't care. Because, she knew he didn't believe she had what it took to pull the trigger. His smile seemed to widen. A mocking smile. The smile of a man who knew he had complete control over her. She may have resisted, but she had always been his.   
Part of her wanted to give in. Part of her wanted to drop the weapon and take him in her arms, warn him of the fate that he probably knew awaited him. But she had her duty. That man was to be executed.   
He had betrayed NERV.   
And most of all, he had betrayed all trust she had ever put in him. She knew he was a spy. She has thought that he was only after the truth. But he had worked against them...   
He had betrayed NERV, the organization she had joined to get her revenge against the Angels. Her life's work. Did he ever love her? Or did he just used her to get the information he needed? Part of her felt good at that thought. The part of her mind that sought to be defiled, that wanted to be unpure.   
Only one pull of a trigger... it was a simple task, really. Still, she just couldn't do it.   
Because, goddammit, she loved that jerk!   
"Put it down, Katsuragi. You know you won't use it. You don't have what it takes."   
Those words!   
_"You don't have what it takes."_   
Her father had said the same thing when her mother had threaten to divorce him. And he had almost been right. Her father had been a weak man. Her mother was no better.   
_"You don't have what it takes."_   
For a moment, it wasn't the man she loved, Kaji Ryouji, that stood before her, but her father.   
The sound of gunfire echoed in the room.   
The man hit the ground, very simply, not to move again.   
Strangely, Katsuragi Misato realized that she didn't feel a thing. Her heart felt... empty. No joy, no pain. She had only done her duty. She only felt... very tired.   
Was that how Rei used to feel everyday?   
She gave the man a last look, then left for her home, picking up her cell phone on the way to inform Intelligence that their screw up had been fixed.   
Only almost half an hour later, as she listen to a message on her answering machine, did she finally felt emotions again as her heart shattered. 

--- 

(Second possibility) 

The man walked through the corridors of NERV, his steps deliberately slow. He was in no hurry. Everything was going according to his plans. It always did.   
He was probably wasting his time going to this rendezvous. But he knew that the man he was supposed to meet wasn't to be underestimated. He was very intelligent and the past had shown that Security and Intelligence could do a very sloppy job. Loosing the Third Children after the Fourth Angel attack was an example. Fuyutsuki's kidnapping was another. Good employees were hard to find...   
Then man extracted a gun from his jacket. He was nearly there.   
The thought that he could be killed never crossed his mind. It wasn't part of his scenario.   
There he was, the man named Kaji Ryouji. A spy that served NERV, SEELE and the Japanese government. A bright man, but very foolish.   
"Hi. You're late."   
"I'm not really surprised to see that you managed to evade Security so far. But I didn't think you would be so careless as to come here.   
"I doubt I could have exited Headquarters. So, before the time finally comes, I wanted to see if you were willing to share your plans with a dead man. I think I mostly fired them out, but I'm still not entirely sure."   
The man smirked. Usually, such a display of emotion would be hidden behind gloved hands.   
Then, he gave the spy then answer he was willing to give up his life for.   
"I see..."   
"Your usefulness to this organization has come to an end, Agent Kaji. It is therefore time to end our partnership."   
The sound of gunfire echoed in the room.   
The Kaji Ryouji hit the ground, not to move again.   
The man didn't even give a second look at the corpse. He walked away, no emotion what so ever showing on his face. He picked up a cell phone from his jacket.   
"It's me. Prepare a cleaning crew. Our problem has been solved." 

--- 

(Third possibility) 

As he heard footsteps closing by, Kaji Ryouji knew that the time had come. He had become too much of a threat for SEELE and NERV to live much longer. The urge of trying to simply escape was great, but it would not solve anything. Only with his death could he protect those he loved and cared about.   
He opened his eyes and raised his head, so that he could see the eyes of the person who would kill him.   
"Hi. You're late."   
"Kaji, do you think I am fat?"   
Surprised, Kaji Ryouji stared at the blue haired EVA pilot.   
"Whaaaaa! You think I am fat!"   
The sound of gunfire echoed in the room.   
Then, Kaji Ryouji fell limply on the ground. His assassin left without a word...   
"Maybe I should ask Commander Ikari," pondered the girl.   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #5 -

As mentionned in chapter 10, this scene is the result of a dare by fellow fanfic author, Ka-Wing Tam. We were discussing possible matchups for TOILI when the mention of Asuka with a girl came up (we were also discussing Maya and Ritsuko). While I found that unlikely, I wrote a little bit about another possible girl/girl matchup; Rei and Hotaru. Ka-Wing then dared me to use it: 

> >>"Such a kawaii girl," added Rei, almost dreamily.   
> >   
> >Okay, this was hilarious. Do it. I dare you.   
>   
> Fine :) 

I was kidding!!! No, do use it. Let's see what your readers do. 

So I did use it. The reaction from my pre-reader was as expected... a bit uncomfortable. However, I didn't want to waste this little piece. So here it is:   
  


- - -

I really felt that we needed a change of subject.   
"Did you invite Hotaru over like I suggested?"   
The blue-haired girl nodded with a smile. I was glad to hear that. I had been afraid that Rei would feel lonely. She had once slept over at Hotaru's house, but she had never invited her friend here. As she got closer to Asuka, Rei spent less time with her other friend. I thought it would be a good opportunity for both of them to have some time together.   
"So, you two had fun?"   
"It was... very pleasant..."   
I froze again.   
Rei was blushing. Heavily. And that look in you eyes... I knew that look...   
Did these two...?   
I didn't want to know...   
Okay, I _did_ want to know, but I was trying hard to keep that part of me under control. I was probably reading too much into the innocent comments Rei was making...   
"Such a kawaii girl," added Rei, almost dreamily.   
My heart skipped a bit. My god, they... Without doubt, Rei sensed how shocked I was.   
"Do not worry, Shin-chan. You are the only one I desire. I love Hotaru-chan, but it is not the same love I feel for you. I only helped her to answer some questions she had... about sex."   
I was still more or less under the shock of what I had just heard.   
"Ques... questions?"   
"Yes. She met someone over the Internet, a few months ago. Someone our age, if that person didn't lie. It seems she has developed feelings for that individual. He asked to meet her in one week. She is afraid to accept. She was uncertain what to do. So I told her about our first date... and how it ended. That is when she asked about... sex. She is quite shy and naive. She never... really dared... explore her own body. We took care of that."   
I tried to chase away the thoughts that came into my mind. Rei and Hotaru... Too bad it wasn't working.   
One specific thought in particular perturbed me...   
"Was it the first time that you... with another girl...?"   
"I... am not sure..."   
"You're not sure!?"   
Rei seemed a bit embarrassed now.   
"It did not really... involve sex. It... happened while you were in Unit-01. One night... Asuka and I had a fight. We both... fell into each other's arms once we got too tired to fight and... anger was replaced by sadness and fear. We both feared that we would lose you. We were hurt and confused. It felt... warm and comforting... to be so close to Asuka. I think she felt the same way... as we both started to feel each other's body, maybe seeking the closeness we only felt when we shared our nights with you. After a moment, without realizing what we were doing... we... kissed. It felt very good, but we knew it was wrong... we love you. We fell asleep after that and it never happened again."   
Asuka and Rei... had kissed...   
I suddenly felt faint as the blood in my brain headed for my nose... and a certain other location...   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #6 -

The Chapter 11 you read is not the original one. The original edition involved a "closer" relationship between Kaoru and Shinji (in other words, they had pointless sex). For several reasons (see Chapter 11 author's notes). I've made numerous changes to Chapter 11. One of the most obvious changes was to completely remove the following scene. The impact was rather significant, as several omake (most of them already destined to the outtakes) suddenly didn't make sense. So, for those who haven't seen it, here's the lost Chapter 11 scene...   
  


- - -

I probably fell asleep this way, because when I woke up, I was startled to find a very naked Kaoru straddling my waist and unbuttoning my shirt.   
"Kaoru!? What are you doing!?"   
She didn't listen. I looked at her eyes. They seemed filled with interest, not to mention a hint of lust. It quickly turned to disapproval when she discovered I was wearing a T-shirt underneath the now opened shirt. I really started to freak out when she grabbed the collar and ripped it in two in a single and apparently effortless move.   
"KAORU!?!"   
I tried to grab her to pull her away, but her hands caught my wrists and pulled them over my head. To do so, she had to bend down and I found my nose right in the middle of two orbs of flesh. I couldn't help but to find her scent, as well as the sight, very captivating. I felt myself melting right there and found myself too weak to try to break her hold on my arms.   
She released her hold on my wrists and slowly, slid down on the bed. The feeling of her fingers against the skin of my forearms felt electrical, as well as the touch of her cheek against mine. She stopped her descent when her head reached my chest, where it laid.   
"I can hear your heart beat. It is comforting."   
"Kaoru..."   
"I want you, Shinji-kun."   
I put my hands on her shoulder to move her away, but her skin felt so soft that I just couldn't do it.   
"I cannot help thinking about you. Just knowing you were sleeping nearby... my body felt as if it was on fire."   
Her head rose. Her body moved down again and soon, her hands were unbuttoning my pants and removing them.   
"I need you."   
"Kaoru.... no..."   
"Relax, Shinji-kun. Just enjoy it..."   
I didn't have the strength to fight her. And why should I have? One of the girls I loved had died and the other had run away. Not to mention I had already betrayed both of them with the other. And even if I tried to convince myself otherwise, I did enjoy the feeling of Kaoru's breasts against my chest. A certain part of my anatomy, already standing ready to perform one of the two tasks it had been designed for, attested to that.   
But there was something else. I was afraid. Afraid that if I said no, she would leave and never return. Leave me all alone again. A strange paradox. Accepting risking getting hurt just because I feared getting hurt. How pathetic...   
So I just let it happen.   
I still have mixed feelings about it. Despite everything, I shouldn't have let it happen. I still feel guilty about it. While my actions with Rei and Asuka were justified both by the context in which they happened and the fact that I did truly love both of them, I never loved Kaoru. However, I did learn an important lesson out of this experience. I learned just how much 'making love' and 'having sex' could be two different concepts.   
Nevertheless the experience with Kaoru had been enjoyable. I won't try to deny it. However, as she laid at my side once we had both climaxed, it felt... hollow. There had been passion, even if I didn't do much more at first than just lay there and stare at the ceiling, but there had been no love, at least not from my side. The experience had lacked... something. A bonding. Two hearts becoming one, as Rei might have said. With Rei, and later with Asuka, I had felt this feeling... a bond... a belonging... I had been hers and she had been mine. I never felt that with Kaoru.   
"Thank you, Shinji-kun. I think I understand now... the merging of man and woman to create life..." she whispered, her lips almost against my ear. "I learned a lot. And I now know that I do love you..."   
These worlds didn't help me feel better about the whole experience...   
"Kaoru... I... I'm afraid that... I may never return the feeling. At least not fully. I don't think I can think of you as more then a friend."   
"I know, Shinji-kun. I know..."   
This surprised me. She knew? Yet... she still loved me and had gone as far as this with me?   
"Kaoru..."   
She answered only by snuggling herself closer to me. Her presence felt warm and comfortable. I closed my eyes, and tried to think this was someone else. The girl whose name I had moaned as I had reached my climax... 

* * *

This was the original Chapter 11 omake. Unfortunately, with the changes made to Chapter 11, it could no longer be used. But it wasn't wasted... This omake was a generous donation by Godsend777.   
  


- - -

  
"I want you. I need you. When I am around you, there is a fire inside me that calls for you."   
"Kaoru... wait..."   
I started to get scared as she ripped my undershirt clean in half. I tried to stop her, but by the time she had made it down to unbuttoning my pants, I stopped struggling. As she lowered herself on me, I finally decided to go with the flow. She started to moan, and I soon followed, our bodies pumping in a speedy rhythm that only enticed us to go further. It was during this rhythm that I felt her take my hand in hers and put them against the headboard behind me. I didn't really care until I heard the telltale clicking noise.   
I looked up to see my both my hands handcuffed to the headboard, as well as a marvelous underside view of the naked Kaoru.   
Upon closer inspection of the handcuffs, I saw the words 'She' and 'Devil' engraved on the sides. These... were Asuka's...   
I shifted my gaze back to Kaoru, who slid off and left a certain part of my body exposed to a chilling cold. She didn't notice as I squirmed. Instead, she donned a German Military cap and picked up a cat o' nine tails.   
"I found these in the Second Children's room." She said, smiling dangerously.   
I sighed in relief as she test-cracked the whip in the air a few times. At least she hadn't gone over to Rei's apartment...   
"And I found this in the First Children's apartment." She said triumphantly as she whipped the curtain off a previously unnoticed object in the room.   
Rei's spiked rack.   
I groaned. Not again...   
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!" 

* * *

This is an idea that came to me while I was looking for an omake for chapter 11. It didn't quite fit, but I sure liked the idea ^_^   
  


- - -

  
As Kaoru slowly lowered herself toward him, Shinji had a hard problem keeping a straight face. Finally, this sweet virgin would be his!   
That's when the door blew open. Both teenagers stayed locked in this position, only barely an inch away from the promise of ecstasy. Shinji did think about trying to push himself forward, but the sudden intrusion had seemed to perturb him enough for him to loose the capacity to proceed forward. He felt his heart threaten to stop beating as he noticed two feminine silhouettes in the door frame.   
"Darling! How could you do this when you have me?!"   
As he recognized the voice, Kaoru was instantly forgotten and Shinji crawled out of the bed at high speed and tried to find protection in a corner of the room.   
The first girl entered the room and walked toward him. She stood there, her garrote wrapped around both her hands with a wry smile on her face. The black military cap on top of her red hair covered her eyes while her black baggy pants covered her legs. Unfortunately, the red, skin-tight halter top barely covered her chest, giving Shinji's a nice view of her breasts. She put one booted foot on his shoulder as her smile widened.   
"You've been a bad boy, Darling..."   
The second figure leapt into the air (and the room) as she ripped off her cloak and uncoiled her whip. Her chest was barely covered in the leather dominatrix outfit that jiggled with her maniacal laughter. Her thigh-high stiletto boots clicked against the floor as she landed and cracked the whip in the air.   
"... so you need to be punished, Shinji-kun," the blue haired girl said with a wicked smile.   
While Asuka was generally scary, Rei was definitely scarier when she had that smile on her face...   
__

Quick note: 

Some of you may have recognized the girls descriptions as being those it Chocolate and Tira from Sorcerer Hunters (or Bakuretsu Hunters if you prefer). While the OVA/manga description of Tira was used, I preferred the TV outfit for Chocolate. Call me weird, but I find the TV series outfit sexier. Maybe it's because it doesn't almost show everything and leaves some room to the imagination. 

Why put the EVA girls as the Sorcerer Hunters girls? Have you ever noticed that Chocolate NA voice actress is Tiffany Grant, who also does Asuka, and that Tira's original voice actress is none other then Megumi Harashibara, who you must all know does Rei's voice as well... 

* * *

Oh my... this may just me my worse piece yet (well, one that I'm making public anyway). Sigh... everyone will think I'm some big pervert, I just know it... 

It was inspired by a comment by one of my readers (quote: "Kaoru is a slut"). 

I think you'll understand quickly why it wasn't used as a Chapter 11 omake...   
  


- - -

  
Nagisa Kaoru walked through the corridors of NERV, whistling a happy tune. It was to hide her foul mood. Since the moment she left Shinji, that night had been a nightmare.   
"Hey! You! What are you doing here?"   
Oh no! Not again...   
Surely enough, this was yet another security guard. Just how many of those worked here anyway?   
"You don't have the right to be here at this hour young lady!"   
Damn! If only the Lilims didn't have the technology to detect AT Fields...   
A smile on her face (hiding how disgusted the girl was) Kaoru walked toward the guard. To the guard amazement, her hands wandered toward his crotch and soon, the guard found his pants (and underwear) being pulled down. This done, the young lady raised her dress up to her waist and got down on her hands and knees.   
"Come and get it, big boy..." said the girl, trying not to shudder. Getting "rid" of the Third Children had been pleasant enough, but this was getting ridiculous. Not to mention painful. At this rate, Shinji would have all the time in the world to wake up... 

* * *

  
"Should we give the order to stop her, Ikari?"   
The Commander smirked. It was quite visible as for once, his hands weren't in front of his face, but rather... busy elsewhere.   
"No. But you should have more guards posted in Sector 3-2-A."   
The smirked widened into a grin.   
"We really should get Akagi out of her cell," thought Fuyutsuki as the Commander started to drool again for the fifteenth time in the last hours...   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #7 -

Here's an omake that had been suggested for Chapter 11 (the revised edition). It was cute, however there was a slight continuity problem and I had promised the Chapter 11 omake to someone else... I'd be a shame to waste it however, so here's an omake by Chichiri:   
  


- - -

I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the darkness of my room... I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words.   
"It is okay. It is over. There is nothing to fear. You are awake now."   
The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a dream. No... a nightmare.   
I turned my face toward the other person in the bed.   
"Shinji-kun. Do not do this to yourself."   
"ACK!!! Misato!!! What are you doin here!?!"   
*The nude gaurdian smiled and nibbled Shinji's ear.*   
"AHHH!!!"   
I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the darkness of my room. I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words.   
"It is okay. It is over. There is nothing to fear. You are awake now."   
The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a dream. No... a nightmare.   
I turned my face toward the other person in the bed.   
"Shinji-kun. Do not do this to yourself."   
"ACKK!!! Hikari!! What are you doing here!?!"   
*The naked class rep. smiled and licked Shinji's ear.*   
"AHHH!!!"   
I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the darkness of my room. I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words.   
"It is okay. It is over. There is nothing to fear. You are awake now."   
The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a dream. No... a nightmare.   
I turned my face toward the other person in the bed.   
"Shinji-kun. Do not do this to yourself."   
"ACKK!!! Kaji!!! What are you doing here?!?"   
*The bare-assed unshaven man smiled and sucked Shinji's ear.*   
"AHHH!!!!   
I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the darkness of my room. I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words.   
"Squawk, squawk. Squawk..."   
The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a dream. No... a nightmare.   
I turned my face toward the other person in the bed.   
"Squawk. Squawk."   
"ACKK!!! Pen-Pen!!! What are you doing here?!?"   
*The horny penguin smiled and nibbled Shinji's ear.*   
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!"   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #8 -

This omake was originally planned for Chapter 12, before I decided that there was quite enough interludes in Chapter 12 and that an omake was far from needed. Besides, this thing isn't really original, as it's been done both in _Garden of EVA_ and by _The Food Court_. But I couldn't resist.   
  


- - -

"I don't know what to do, Asuka. I never really knew before, but... somehow, things always worked out. But I'm not sure it will this time. I'm on my own now. I can't count on Rei to help me. She doesn't remember me. She doesn't remember all the times we..."   
Rei. I missed her so much. She could always solve all of my problems. Always with a smile. One she only showed me.   
"Misato isn't really an option..."   
Especially now. She was still very shaken by Kaji's death. But that was something I couldn't tell Asuka.   
"You're the only one I have left..."   
Without really thinking, I grabbed one of her shoulder and tried to shake her awake.   
"Help me... help me, Asuka. Hey! Wake up... wake up!"   
Without success. She just laid there, looking peacefully asleep.   
"Guess I'm on my own..."   
I stared at the girl for a long moment. She seemed so weak, yet she was still beautiful. Oh so beautiful. Those breasts I could almost see through the opening of the hospital shirt...   
"Asuka..."   
I collapsed on my knees, feeling completely exhausted.   
That's then I heard a knock on the door. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.   
"Shinji-kun? Are you there? Why is the door locked?"   
"Err... err.. coming Misato-san!"   
Quickly, I got up and straightened myself. I was about to go open the door when I realized that Asuka had moved a bit from my attempt to shake her away, making the cover slid lower on her body. I adjusted it so only mainly her head and shoulder showed on the bed, then opened the door.   
"So, any progress?"   
I shook my head.   
"No. She won't wake up."   
Suddenly, Misato's eyes narrowed. I felt suddenly small under that glare.   
"What's that on your ear?"   
I gulped. So that's where it went...   
"Is that hair gel?" 

_(arg! I know this joke is getting old fast, but I couldn't resist... For those who are confused, this is inspired from a movie called "There's something about Mary")_   
  


* * *

  
  


- Scene #9 -

Like the first outtake, this one doesn't really fit anywhere. It's just a wild idea I suddenly got. Had it not been for the love triangle theme, I could have written it as a spamfic...   
  


- - -

"This ends now Shinji!" commanded the red headed girl also known as Sohryu Asuka Langley. "You must choose now!"   
"But..."   
Shinji looked toward Rei for support, only to see her apparently awaiting an answer as well.   
"But... I don't want to choose..."   
"Not good enough! Choose now or I'll grind you to the ground!"   
Asuka smiled. Shinji was now completely terrified. He wouldn't dare go against her wishes. Not that he had any reasons to...   
"Alright..."   
Shinji's head slumped in defeat. However, it rose up, the determined look in his face surprising Asuka. In a dramatic pause, he pointed his choice.   
"I choose you, Pikachu!"   
Asuka gasped, while Rei, dressed in a cute Pikachu costume, displayed a small smile.   
"How could he... how could he choose a girl dressed as an oversized rodent over me?" sulked Asuka. "With those low cut shorts and this yellow tight tank top... how could he not chose me?! Didn't he noticed how sexy I looked? Didn't anyone notice?!"   
Indeed, Asuka was dressed as Misty, her hair all tied on the side in a (somewhat too long) ponytail. In the back of her mind, she cursed herself for not taking the Charmander costume instead...   
"Oh, I noticed ya," drooled Touji, before falling victim to the dreaded Horaki Ear Lock.   
Touji quickly dropped to his knees and begged Hikari, dressed as Officer Jenny, for forgiveness, before describing all her virtues and trying to win her heart. Touji was actually glad he had chosen this Brock costume; he felt he could say things he would normally find too embarrassing to say.   
"You can go with me," suggested Kensuke, dressed as an oversized Squirtle, which was promptly sent flying with the help of Asuka's Kick of Fury.   
This nuisance dealt with, Asuka noticed that Shinji (dressed as Ash) and Pikachu-Rei were trying to use the commotion to sneak away.   
"Hey! Get back here! You won't leave me behind so easily!"   
Shinji sighed.   
"Guess she'll just keep following us..."   
"Pika. Pikapi. Pikachu. ........... Is there a purpose to all this?"   
Shinji sighed again. Who's idea was it to dress as Pokemon character and go to that costumed dance? Oh, yeah, he remembered, Misato... Where was she anyway?   
  


* * *

  
  
Elsewhere, Team Rocket (Misato and Kaji) were blasting off again (headed toward the closest hotel and bar) leaving Meowth (Ritsuko) behind to deal with a tipsy and very affectionate Clefairy (Maya). This was not a pretty sight... 

_Quick note: _

I know nothing of the original Pokemom, except that Misty is actually called Kasumi and that Ash is called Satoshi, so I had to use names from the English dub. It should be what most people know anyway. If I find the time, I may look for the original names to add to my notes...   
  


* * *

  
  


Another small extra, here is the entire timeline of TOILI:   


Chapter 1: February 14th   
Chapter 2: February 14th   
Chapter 3: February 16th to February 21nd (early in the morning)   
Chapter 4: February 21nd to February 22rd (early in the morning)   
Chapter 5, Part 1: February 26th to February 27th   
Chapter 5, Part 2: February 29th to March 2nd   
Chapter 6, Part 1: April 5th to April 10th   
Chapter 6, Part 2: April 10th to April 13th   
Chapter 6, Part 3: April 14th   
Chapter 7, Part 1: April 15th   
Chapter 7, Part 2: May 19th to May 21th (Shinji was trapped one month in EVA)   
Chapter 8: May 26th   
Chapter 9: May 31st to June 1st   
Chapter 10: June 4th to June 5th   
Chapter 11: June 6th to June 9th   
Chapter 12: June 11th to ...   
  


* * *

  
  


To finish things nicely, here are the scenario for TOILI, as written in February 1999. Everything you read was initially based off that scenario. Of course, there has been many changes along the way, as a story gains a life of it's own as it grows, but still, I thought that some of you may be interested in seeing this. This will also be my answer to all the people who ask "How could you write such a story? How could you manage to make such a long series?" 

Obviously, the line below contains heavy TOILI spoilers. However, if your reading this without even having finished TOILI, then I'll be asking you... what are you doing here? Go back to the chapter you left off! ^_^   
  


- - -

Chapter 1 - Valentine's Day 

[Hikari tells Shinji not to ignore his "girlfriend"] 

[Shinji realize that EVA pilots are not paid] 

[Shinji leaves a chocolate box for Asuka] 

_(as you can see, my "plans" leaves place to a lot of improvisation...)_   


Chapter 2 - Shinji Belongs to Me! 

[At the party, the girls fight for Shinji] 

[Rei offers Shinji to be of one mind, body and soul] 

[Shinji ask Misato for advise] 

[Shinji ask to be paid]   


Chapter 3 - Rei or Breaking the Ice 

[Shinji discuss with Misato about being paid] 

[Ask Asuka and then Rei out] 

[Asuka is nicer and seems to tolerate Rei] _(as you can see, details tends to change...)_

[Shinji ask Misato for help about his project] 

[Shinji announces that Kaji has loaned him some money] 

[Shinji gives Rei the dress before the tests] 

[Shinji dates Rei] 

[Takes her to a fancy French/Italian restaurant, Pour Deux] 

[Then to the movies, a romantic one. Seems to totally fascinate Rei] 

[Take a walk in the park. Rei starts to play with some kids toys and rides] 

[Takes Rei home. Rei kisses Shinji]   


Chapter 4 - Asuka or Don't play with Fire 

[Shinji reluctantly dates Asuka (still remember the kiss)] 

[Takes her on a hike, then a picnic near a beautiful lake] 

[Asuka is angry because Shinji is an experimented kisser (Asuka's first kiss?)] 

[Asuka runs away. Shinji follows. Get lost] 

[Shinji gets closer to Asuka to warm her up] 

[Kaji tells Shinji that the Secret Services had known for a while where to find them, but had been ordered by the Commander not to take them back too soon]   


Chapter 5 - The more things change, the more they stay the same 

Part 1 - Changes 

[Shinji confronts Gendo] 

[Rei now lives next door - the Commander stated it was more convenient] 

[Asuka is pissed] 

[Shinji sleeps with Rei (I say sleep, not has sex with... pervert!) Asuka is now furious] 

Part 2 - Into the Darkness 

[Shadow Angel] 

[Shinji wakes up in the hospital, with both girls holding his hands] 

[Shinji wakes up, with Asuka in his bed]   


Chapter 6 - Friends 

Part 1 - Matchmaker 

[Shinji and Asuka tries to match up Touji and Hikari] 

[The kids go for a week-end camping trip] 

[Asuka wants to share Shinji's tent, leaving Touji and Hikari on their own] 

[Asuka forgets her sleeping bag] 

[It's hot when two person share the same sleeping bad (Not in that way perverts!)] 

[Shinji wakes up early. Hikari (dressed in panties and Touji's shirt) thanks him] 

Part 2 - The Fourth Children 

[Unit-03 incident] 

[First appearance of Kaoru] 

_(Here, as you can see, one part has been added. It was totally unexpected and it actually influenced heavily the following chapter and the last part of this chapter)_   


Chapter 7 - I won't run away! 

[Rei and Asuka have a fight with Shinji] 

[Shinji runs away] 

[Shinji talks to Touji. Touji tells him he's forgiven. Shinji won't listen] 

[Kaoru appears and takes Shinji to a shelter] 

[Unit-02's head crashes on the shelter. Talks to Kaji] 

[Shinji comes back] 

[Shinji is absorbed] 

[Wakes up to find a month has passed. See two very happy and friendly girls]   


Chapter 8 - Broken hearts 

[Shinji has a talk with Misato about Kaji. First, he tries to help her. But he rejects her when he learns she killed him.] 

[Asuka is mindraped. Shinji does his best to help her. Asuka says she hates him.] 

_(I've decided to split this idea into two distinct chapter, as those could be stories of their own. A good move, as "Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you" was actually rather big for a one part chapter)_   


Chapter 9 - Never forget 

[Rei blows up...] 

[Rei-III doesn't remember much about Shinji] 

[Shinji learns the truth about Rei and himself]   


Chapter 10 - What is Love? 

[Asuka runs away] 

[A girl named Kaoru appears. Blue eyes, brown hair] _(Initially, I was supposed to use Mana as model. Very obviously, that changed)_

[They possibly have sex together] 

[Shinji kills her] 

[Shinji forgives Misato and tries to face the difficulties of life together] 

[If Shinji didn't have sex with Kaoru, he may have some with Misato] _(Arg! Can't believe I thought about that...)_   


Chapter 11 - End of Evangelion 

[NERV is attacked] 

[Asuka is reborn. But is defeated by the Eva series] 

[Shinji is angry. Fights the Eva series. Use a lance to destroy the Eva series. Destroys what is remaining of the UN Forces.] 

[Rei saves Asuka] 

[Shinji makes a choice] 

[END] 

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/



	16. Side story - Visions (prelude to TOILI)

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
Visions - a prelude side story   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Story based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX.   
Started on July 6th 1999   
Revised on July 7th 1999   
  


* * *

  
It felt... odd. This was the only way she could describe it. She knew it was irrational, but she didn't really feel at ease, sitting inside Unit-01 entry plug. There was this nagging impression of deja-vu, associated with some anxiety. And there was this presence. No, not quite a presence. More like... a shadow, an echo of the previous pilot.   
"So, Rei, how does it feel piloting Unit-01 for the first time?"   
"It smells like Ikari."   
  


- - -

  
The initial connections to the EVA went without problems, as she had expected. She had total faith in Commander Ikari. She knew that he wouldn't have let the events of Unit-00's activation happen again. Only when the A10 Nerve connection was established did she feel something strange. She gasped. Images, visions entering her mind. Memories. Those of Ikari Shinji.   
Vision of Rei, standing in the middle of the street of Tokyo-3.   
_"Is it me? I do not recall this..."_   
Vision of Shinji, holding an injured Rei in the middle of the 3rd Angel attack.   
_"Did you pilot... for me?"_   
Vision of Shinji, facing the Third Angel.   
_"This emotion. Is this fear?"_   
Vision of Shinji, facing the Fourth Angel.   
_"These feelings... Pain and loneliness?"_   
Vision of Rei, talking with Commander Ikari.   
_"What is this? Jealousy? Is this jealousy? Are you jealous of me?"_   
Vision of Shinji, looking at her ID card.   
_"You find me... cute?"_   
Vision of Shinji looking at her, as he stood over her naked body.   
_"Embarrassment. Yet, there is something else..."_   
Vision of Rei, slapping Shinji.   
_"His words had... angered me. An odd feeling."_   
Vision of Rei's silhouette through a curtain, as she put her plugsuit on before the battle against the Fifth Angel.   
_"This feeling again... Is this... desire?"_   
Vision of Shinji, looking at her, tears in his eyes, after he had rescued her from Unit-00's entry plug.   
_"Sadness. Yet, relief and happiness?"_   
Vision of Asuka, on their first encounter.   
_"The Second Children."_   
Vision of Asuka, partly naked, as she put her plugsuit on.   
_"These emotions again. Embarrassment and desire."_   
Vision of Asuka breasts, as she laid just beside him.   
_"Desire again. Why?"_   
Vision of Asuka, as Shinji tried to kiss her.   
_"He... he tried to kiss her..."_   
Vision of Asuka leaning over him in her bathing suit.   
_"He finds her attractive."_   
Vision of Rei, in her bathing suit, drying herself.   
_"But he finds me attractive as well..."_   
Vision of Unit-02, as Unit-01 saved it in-extremis from falling inside the volcano.   
_"This relief... He was glad that he could save her. The same feeling he felt as he took me out of Unit-00's entry plug, after the Fifth Angel battle."_   
Other visions of Asuka. Asuka teasing him. Asuka yelling at him. Asuka in her school uniform. Asuka in her yellow dress. Asuka only wearing a towel. Asuka, Asuka, Asuka...   
_"Why her? Why?! WHY?!"_   
"Okay, test complete. Rei, your job is over."   
The voice of Dr. Akagi startled her, even if it didn't show on her face.   
"Hai."   
_"What were those feelings? Was I... jealous of her? Do I... have... feelings for Ikari-kun?"_   
As she let her body relax, Ayanami Rei let out a sigh, making some bubbles into the LCL.   
"Ikari-kun," she whispered.   
  


- - -

  
As she stood at the infirmary room entrance and looked at the sleeping form of the boy, for the first time of her life, Ayanami Rei didn't know what to do. What she had experienced today felt so confusing. Emotions that she had never felt, but yet recognized. And now that she looked at the boy, she could feel them inside her. Relief and happiness. She was happy that the boy was unharmed. Why? Why did she feel this way?   
She approached the bed and looked more closely at the boy. His face was an expression of peace and serenity. She felt a new impression. It almost hit her like a wave. Quickly, she compared the feeling to those she experienced inside Unit-01.   
"Do I find you attractive?" she whispered.   
As she pondered on this question, she could only come to a conclusion.   
She did.   
"What are you, Ikari Shinji? What are you to me?"   
The old, clinincal answer came to mind. A co-worker. The Commander's son.   
No, she realized. He was more. He had feelings for her. She had protected him and he had helped her in return. She thought back to that day where she protected Unit-01 from the blast of the Fifth Angel with her own EVA. Did she act only because those were her orders? No. There had been something else. Faint, in the back of her mind, but it had been there.   
"Do I... care for you?"   
A simple question, yet it was almost a revelation.   
Yes. Yes, she did.   
The boy stirred. He would wake soon. Not knowing what to do, the girl fled. Fear. Another emotion she wasn't accustomed to.   
The girl walked through the streets of Tokyo-3, lost and confused. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to feel that way. She was just a tool. Something that could be replaced. Yet...   
Should she talk to Commander Ikari? It would be the most advised course of action.   
But... he had let his son be hurt in Unit-00... Was the young Ikari right? Could the Commander be really trusted? She shook her head. Surely he could. However, she decided against talking to him. If she buried them deep, maybe she would forget those new feelings she now felt...   
After minutes that felt like hours, the young girl reached her apartment and let herself fall on her bed, exhausted of trying not to be engulfed by this maelstrom of newly awakened feelings. As she buried her face into her pillow, she realized that she just couldn't ignore what she experienced right now. Again and again, her mind replayed the last visions she saw while synchronized to Unit-01. Sohryu. The Second Child.   
No! She would not let her have him.   
She wouldn't.   
"Ikari-kun is mine..."   
  


- - -

Author's notes: 

While this story can be considered as a stand-alone one-shot, it's really a premise to the Prologue of "The One I Love Is...". One of the weaknesses of TOILI is the way Rei is OOC. So I wondered... Where did the emotions come from? The answer came a bit later when I debated with one of my pre-readers on the subject of good one-shot Rei/Shinji stories. "Two hearts of one mind" came to mind and I quickly thought of basing something on it's premise: Rei realizing her feelings for Shinji because of the compatibility tests with Unit-01. Not quite original, but effective. 

Alain Gravel   
July 6th 1999 

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/



	17. Side story - For the one I love (an alte...

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...   
For the one I love: An alternate TOILI epilogue?   
Written by [Alain Gravel][1]   
Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX 

[http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/][2]

Started on January 28th 2000   
First pre-reader draft finished on February 14th 2000   
Final draft finished on March 21st 2000   
  


* * *

  
"Sir. The visiting hours are over now."   
Slowly, the man looked at the nurse. She was young, maybe eighteen or nineteen, not a child anymore, but only barely a grown woman. She had a nice smile and an innocent face. The man may have found her attractive in a past almost forgotten.   
The nurse, a girl named Lily, tried not to shudder while the man gazed at her, before pushing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. She couldn't really explain it, but the man gave her the creeps. He was good looking. Not too old, at most thirty. A soft looking face. His dark hair was tied in the back in a short ponytail and he didn't seem to have shaved in the last few days, which actually made him sort of attractive. However, there was something dark about him, and it wasn't just the black NERV uniform. If you looked carefully through the tinted lenses of the glasses he wore, you could see haunted dark eyes.   
"I see. I didn't realize it was so late."   
Lily let out a small sigh of relief as the man turn back to look at the woman lying on the bed. Despite the fact that she seemed a bit skinny and that she was very pale because of years of institutionalization, she had to admit that the woman was quite beautiful. She had only been working in this clinic for a week and already this patient was her favorite. Maybe it was the long red hair that reminded her so much of her ex-girlfriend.   
The man leaned toward the sleeping woman and gave her a light kiss on the lips. He then looked at her and the nurse was surprised to see the man actually smile.   
"Soon, Asuka-chan. Very soon. Just be patient a little longer."   
The man then picked up a black trenchcoat and walked out of the room.   
"What a strange man," thought the nurse.   
This thought didn't leave her for a few hours and she expressed it to her colleague, Tanya. She liked Tanya a lot and always shared her thoughts with her. Tanya had been a great help in getting used to the place. Too bad she had a boyfriend...   
"You'll get used to it," answered back Tanya, slowly slurping her cup of coffee. "I've been working here for almost ten years and I can't remember a single day where this man didn't visit the patient from room fourty-two. I think he was her fiancee or something."   
Ten years. Maybe more then ten years. He had visited her every day. Suddenly, Lily's opinion of the man became a lot more positive. A man that much in love couldn't be bad...   
  


* * *

  
NERV's Supreme Commander stood on the platform facing the Evangelion and stared at the yellow eyes of Unit-01. Soon, everything would come to fruition and his goal would be within his grasp. Adam and Lilith were no more, but Unit-01, child of Lilith, still existed and so did the other Evangelions.   
"Commander."   
The Commander pushed back his glasses up the bridge of his nose and looked at the newcomer, a woman in her forties, with blond hair and wearing a labcoat.   
"Doctor Ibuki."   
"I've left today's reports on your desk."   
"I see. The news didn't mention a catastrophe in China, so I assume that Unit Beta-02's activation tests were a success."   
"Yes sir. Although the synch rate with the A.I. plug was not more then ten percents, as expected, the unit successfully activated."   
The Commander nodded.   
"Good. A fiasco like the activation attempt in Paris would have been a pain. I can't afford having another Unit blow up. We already suffered unacceptable delays. We were lucky that the obliteration of Paris in the explosion erased all traces of the experiment. I don't like relying on luck."   
There was a long moment of silence, as two emotionless faces stared at one another.   
"How did today's dummy plug experiment go?" the Commander finally asked.   
"Another failure. Like in the previous attempt, the clone lost cohesion and dissolved into the LCL. I did determine however that our synthetic LCL is the cause of the problem."   
The Commander frowned. This was not good news.   
"Any solutions to that problem?"   
"I will need to redesign the LCL formula."   
"I see. So you want to perform another genetic resequencing on Rei."   
"Yes."   
"She nearly died in the last attempt. Will she live through this operation?"   
"I believe so. However, I doubt that she will be able to function on her own after this procedure, even less think by herself."   
"Irrelevant. You may proceed."   
"You're so cold, Shinji."   
"Not more then you, Maya."   
"You loved her once."   
Shinji signed. Maya had always been a sentimental fool.   
"I did. But it's all in the past."   
"Then why can't you forget about Asuka?"   
"Why can't you forget about Ritsuko?"   
The Doctor looked down. That name always had the desired effect on her.   
"Soon our plans will come to fruition, and all will be alright. Once we achieve Instrumentality, you'll be able to be with her once more and Asuka and I will be reunited."   
The Doctor looked at him, eyes full of hope.   
"Yes..."   
"I will see you later tonight at your apartment."   
"Yes sir."   
The Commander left. There was still so much to do, so much that kept him from reaching his goal of being reunited with the woman he loved. However, all obstacles would be dealt with, and soon... they would be together again.   
  
  
  
[END]   
  


Author's notes: 

Initially, that little piece had been written as a joke. Well, as a sick joke as it scared quite a number of people when I put this as the "official TOILI epilogue" but a joke nonetheless ^_^ 

But one has to admit that it's scary how this could actually happen, given the right circumstances.   
  
  
Alain Gravel   
rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca   
February 14th 2000 

   [1]: mailto:rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/



End file.
